To think babies shouldn’t ruin relationships

[lighttheresomewhere]

It’s so interesting and genuinely so heartwrenching to see the amount of posts on here (and hear it in real life too) about the amount of relationships that drastically change for the worst and even break after having a baby/babies.

we have a 11 month old and I feel like it’s brought us even closer. My husband is a fantastic dad and husband and last night I got all dressed up for him coming to bed and when we were going to sleep he said thank you for making sure we didn’t lose us. I said what do you mean? He said ‘we haven’t lost us’. He started saying about the roommate phase and how we never went through that etc. I said it wasn’t a conscious decision it was just natural that I wanted to have sex pretty early on again, I wanted us to still have date nights and be us but it subconscious. I told him I fell in love with him all over again in a whole new way seeing him bond with the baby.

im not trying to be antagonistic or anything I just genuinely don’t understand how relationships go to shit so much after babies.

Wow you are vile. Speaking from experience are you?

This seems like a smug and/or goady thread. You're basically saying "I have a baby and my relationship is wonderful, why can't everyone else manage it?"
Can you really not imagine the myriad reasons why it might not be that way for everyone? You clearly read other mumsnet threads so you will have read about some of the reasons, but if you still don't get it, just go and read some more.

If you have just one child who is "easy" (no health issues or disabilities, sleeps well etc) and a loving partner who pulls their weight, great. Not everyone has that, some children are higher needs than others, and some partners don't step up in the way people hope after children come along.

Also, life events can change people and make it harder for them to be parents. Parenthood can be triggering for some people, in unexpected ways.

Well, you sound absolutely delightful 😂

How has the baby helped?

You've not actually said what having a baby did for your relationship. Your OP was just telling us all you "dressed up" and had sex the night before and your husband thanked you afterwards.

After our first was born our sex life was back to normal after a couple of months, at my instigation. Baby was easy, other than a mad couple of weeks she slept like a dream. We had date nights, a blissful little family unit. If he had ever thanked me for making sure we didn't lose us I would have laughed in his face though.
That second baby though, Jesus, that kid went off like a bomb. We were exhausted, looking after a newborn and a barely 1 year old. Had not a spare minute for ourselves or each other. I was stuck at home with the kids, he was working every minute he could to keep us afloat. And we resented the hell out of each other. We had to fight hard to stay together and there were times I honestly thought we weren't going to survive having 2 under 2.
So glad I didn't make a smug post after the first one. I'd have felt like a right twat when the second arrived and proved me completely wrong.

Well I hope that you get a diagnosis which helps, and the support that you need.
Perhaps read back your original post to see how it comes across, and then read the experiences of other women on here.
Good luck.

So let’s all bully someone to teach a roddy good lesson?

fucking grow up.

Yes I am, thats what our so called parents used us for, the only people I meet who dislike adults talking about their experiences of it, are those who are using their own children as sticking plasters, rather than putting the needs of their children first.

I try to keep my comments on mumsnet positive, but gosh this is a very smug post.

No ideally babies wouldn't ruin relationships, but lack of sleep, being touched out, over stimulated, etc can all lead to the roommate phase or worse. We've definitely had moments of being really arsey with each other since DC was born.

But if you have a good partner, hopefully you will both be understanding that this is a season in your relationship where your partner isn't the number one priority and that's ok.

You had one that slept I see. If you don't understand how both partners getting 1 hour sleep a night can cause strains in a relationship perhaps wind in the smugness?

Yeah it would make sense you are waiting for a BPD diagnosis as this post is very attention seeking and antagonistic. Wonderful you are having a great time as a mum but zero awareness of how others might experience this. Total lack of empathy and very narcissistic

I love my husband even more after children too… took us a while to get there though. We’ve had our ups and downs. Some very, very memorable downs. I once threw a glass of gin and tonic at his head, which wasn’t my finest moment and can very much be classified as abusive behaviour on my part. The amount of stress we were under at that point was unreal. God it feels so weird looking back on those moments.

I can absolutely understand how so many relationships crumble after children (or another enormous life event) We’ve had days where it felt like we were only still together out of duty. If those days had become more and more the norm, it would have been soul destroying.

No one is bullying 🙄
OP came on here to feel superior compared to other mothers, to blame them if their relationship isn’t stronger post baby, to essentially accuse them of not making enough effort to keep their relationship.
People have explained how that’s absolute bullshit, and it turns out the OP is sitting on a throne of lies anyway, pretending life is golden in Stepford but it turns out that’s very far from the truth.
Actually maybe OP is the bully?

It is lovely that you and your husband have found parenting easy for the first year.

It is unusual that you can't see how it could be different for others who find the changes more difficult. And goady to come to a parenting site to ask.

Just be glad what you have is working and long may it continue. No need to wonder about others not managing as well.

OP if you had suffered from PND, had a colicky baby or had health issues would your husband have felt you were letting him down or losing “you and him” as your post concerns me.

Babies and children do change things. It doesn’t mean you never have romance etc but there should be consideration and understanding of that on both sides and from your post I wonder if your husband puts you under pressure (intentional or not)

With all due respect OP, you have an 11 month old. Yours right at the beginning.

Why is everyone saying “total lack of awareness?” Yes that’s why she’s asking the pissing question!!

and it’s a problem she dresses nice for her husband? Give the fuck over. Some people seem so far removed from doing anything remotely flirtatious, nice, or romantic for their partner it’s no wonder there’s so many posts of affairs divorce and breakups on here.

she wasn’t being goady at all. But if she was you have all well and truly taken the bait.

@JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit I once took our dinner out the oven, opened the front door and frisbee'd the tray out onto the drive. Christ knows what the neighbours thought of us.

Projecting 101.

There isn't a huge amount to disagree on when it comes to parenting an 11 month old. I mean, maybe some minor disagreements about sleep training or weaning, but nothing major.
When your child gets older, they will become opinionated and sometimes challenging. They might have tantrums or meltdowns, they might ignore or defy all instructions and requests, they might refuse to eat or sleep or use the toilet, they might constantly demand your attention, they might prefer one parent and reject the other... this is stressful to deal with and might result in very different reactions from each of you, and might result in arguments and resentment.

🤣🤣🤣

I don’t understand what you think your argument is here. But I do know that if I’d been at a baby group and OP had started talking this shite I would have moved away. And I actually had an easy baby, rough birth but then she was a dream. The difference? I wasn’t dumb enough to say this to be people in the trenches and even now I am very aware that it’s LUCK, and I am not looking for a pat on the back and a ‘best wife’ award

When you decide to marry someone who’s already had one failed relationship, the odds of the new marriage succeeding are much, much lower than if he hadn’t already had an ex and step kids.

OP has to work so hard because the deck is stacked against her.

it’s not impossible of course. But it’s mainly up to her other half to fix whatever mistakes he’s made previously. A bit of lingerie on her part is irrelevant but it probably feels like having control.

Well that's not on is it. But no ones saying that here.

Statistically domestic violence starts or gets worse in pregnancy or after childbirth. So for some people there will be signs beforehand but for a lot of people the first indication they get that they are going to be subjected to abuse is once they are already pregnant or not until the baby is born. In a lot of cases there is no way of knowing until after the baby is born and then the partner becomes abusive. It's deliberate as the woman is then at her most vulnerable.
If your partner has turned out to be supportive then you are incredibly lucky but I don't understand how you could not understand how it could affect other relationships. Pregnancy is also the time when a male partner is most likely to cheat.