To think babies shouldn’t ruin relationships

[lighttheresomewhere]

It’s so interesting and genuinely so heartwrenching to see the amount of posts on here (and hear it in real life too) about the amount of relationships that drastically change for the worst and even break after having a baby/babies.

we have a 11 month old and I feel like it’s brought us even closer. My husband is a fantastic dad and husband and last night I got all dressed up for him coming to bed and when we were going to sleep he said thank you for making sure we didn’t lose us. I said what do you mean? He said ‘we haven’t lost us’. He started saying about the roommate phase and how we never went through that etc. I said it wasn’t a conscious decision it was just natural that I wanted to have sex pretty early on again, I wanted us to still have date nights and be us but it subconscious. I told him I fell in love with him all over again in a whole new way seeing him bond with the baby.

im not trying to be antagonistic or anything I just genuinely don’t understand how relationships go to shit so much after babies.

I think an important thing to learn about parenthood is that it's lovely when the warm and fuzzy smug moments of bliss come along, and that they are best kept within the circle of those who enjoyed them. It's a journey of ups and downs, and your peaks can be other people's troughs. Oh, and vice versa, which you will see as life progresses.

Re: teenagers
They go to bed later than you. That’s one thing.

My boss told me teenagers are like rats, they only come out when it’s dark, leave crumbs everywhere and eat money.

Project your empathy out and you will see not everyone has the same experiences as you and your husband. I'm in an incredibly loving relationship with my kindred spirit and best friend, we had 12 years together before having a baby and yet we still went through the room mate phase.

A traumatic birth, a reflux, allergic to milk and bad night sleeping baby meant we tag team alot to survive, ships in the night. That's love too. Love is being able to pause things and still be in love and supporting eachother. My husband doing the 8:30 to 2am shift so I sleep then me doing the 2 to 7:30 so he can, thats a loving relationship. We have been "roommates" for 9 months . I can see why having a baby can test relationships with less strong dynamics but there's also some babies who simply sleep through the night and allow parents to slip back into their old routine more quickly. Ours has nk🙃ot 😅The room mate phase is often the case and coming out the other side more in love and with huge respect for the other is something special too. Celebrate your relationship without using it as a standard.

This reminded me of Ben Elton's book "Blind Faith" - set in a dystopian future:

"Turning round, Trafford saw that she had dressed herself in what was known as 'the full linge'. This was a phrase derived from the old word 'lingerie' and it meant dressing specifically to sexually excite one's partner. It was applied to women only. There was no male equivalent of the full linge because men were not required to attempt to excite their partners, although they were under considerable pressure to become excited once they had been linged. Any woman who donned the full linge for her partner, particularly in a sexually moribund relationship, held a strong moral position. Healers and counsellors would deem her to be making the effort to put fire and spice back into their sex lives, and the man was expected to react with unalloyed delight."

Awful to be prancing around in diaphanous frillies and find it's a night when OH just wants to sleep.

I've been a slim and healthy weight all my life, and have never had an eating disorder, it's just because I'm great at being a size 8 naturally, no idea how you didn't manage it, so sad how other people can't manage like me.

Oh I am sorry was that in poor taste?

Is this what you had in mind?
(If pic attaches)

In our case, that fact of the matter is neither of us realised how much harmony in our relationship relied on my constantly considering him and putting him first. As soon as I stopped being able to do that all the time, and god forbid actually needed him to do it for me as I recovered from childbirth and adapted to breastfeeding, sleepless nights etc, the cracks emerged. As others say children expose the truth of a relationship that may not have been apparent when you had no real stressors as a pair of DINKs.

Also breastfeeding makes a difference IME. Hormonally it makes a lot of women utterly disinterested in sex (this served an important biological purpose pre-contraception); if you're feeding on demand it means you're often very very tired; and it does bond you very intensively to your baby (particularly with the first baby) so I can see why a weak insecure man might find that bond excluding ans feel neglected and left out. If you're bottle feeding, sleep training and sharing night feeds etc, then your interest in sexy fun times will probably return a lot quicker.

Basically labour and the first few months post birth is when you will actually meet your real partner (an equivalent would be if yo have a dangerous illness). Up until then you've only seen what he's like when you are an independent, strong and attentive partner. Once a baby appears you will find out if he is there for you the way you have always been there for him.

Lucky you yours is. But what you really want from this thread is to show off about how much better a girlfriend/wife you are than others, still dressing up for your maay-un and making an effort unlike all those saggy frigid women who drive their husbands away I think.

@lighttheresomewhere I know what you mean. Not in the relationship context but in coping with a baby context. I found it easy/no harder than my usual work. Nobody likes to hear it so you’re better keeping things to yourself.

I think I would be wary though… all may be well 11 months in. A few years in could be a different story. So enjoy it, but be humble perhaps. You sound like you have a very solid relationship.

What a mean and nasty opening post. How anti-sisterhood. Lots of women are traumatised post-birth. Lots of women get zero sleep. Lots of men aren't the help they should be. Why would you gloat in their faces??

Plus, I totally agree that lots of people are fine 11 months in with one baby.

I think it's a mean-spirited, anti-feminist, nasty OP. How do you expect sleep-deprived, anxious women to respond to if?

Your relationship sounds very centered around sex OP. Whilst sex is a healthy element of most marriages, yours seems reliant on very regular sex. And I'm not sure that that is the healthy dynamic that you think it is. We all have periods where we cannot find the time/have health issues that prevent that. With a straightforward labour, likely two youngish parents and one very young child you haven't come across these issues yet. You will and when you do be careful OP that you don't fall into the trap of forcing yourself to have sex you do not want in order to be the cool wife/ to stop your husband from leaving. You mention regular date nights too, so I'm presuming you're privileged enough to have someone to mind your DC regularly. Not everyone has that.

Dear god, so smug and lacking in basic empathy and understanding!

Some people have really shit birth experiences and really difficult babies. It puts a strain on a relationship. Hardly rocket science is it? If you were to have another child you might have a very different experience.

I just reread it with that in mind and think you are right. It’s someone like Brian Dowling who wrote it.

At ease.

Advanced search tells us that you and your husband were arguing only days ago about his ex wife and step kids so maybe you should have name changed for this brag post.

Because most men turn out to selfish bastards once a few kids come along unfortunately. Give it time op your baby is still little and you only have one. There's still a mountain to climb !!

Where other women are "going wrong"?!
It is not about pleasing your husband.
It's about functioning as effective parents and a couple and for some people that's understandably a challenge for various reasons.

I'm happily married with kids and I do agree that good and loving sex is the glue that holds a relationship together. Dressing up for it and enjoying it is right up my street, no issues there.

But the glue that holds that glue together is how you treat each other day to day.

I may be reading too much into it and missing context, but something about that "thank you for making sure we don't lose us" comment bothers me. It implies that the woman wearing sexy underwear and being ready is all it takes for a couple not to lose themselves after children. It's on her. Not that you must both work together to adapt to the change, to give each other breathing space and to give the woman time to recover and rest. The man should just get to come to bed with his wife in lingerie and it's that easy. Even if you didn't have a traumatic birth with long lasting implications (and if this didn't occur to you, OP, you really are hopelessly naive), it's not that simple.

But I can see why, if you get that kind of essential congratulations, at a time when most women are exhausted, still struggling with a changing body, possibly breastfeeding and basically not feeling sexy at all, you would feel kind of smug. I don't like it, but I can understand the thought process.

But apparently things aren't so rosy anyway...?

Classic

Gosh there are a lot of prickly, jealous people here.

Uh oh! Trouble in paradise.
Where did you "go wrong", OP?

OP, you are lucky you don't know what sleep deprivation does to a person. There's no wonder it was one of Stasi's favourite methods of torture.
But maybe your second child will enlighten you.

@Unfortunatelyunknown OP's had a lot of good luck. And I hope the good luck continues. I also hope OP's not this smug in real life.

🎵 *Hey, little girl, comb your hair, fix your make-up, soon he will open the door,
Don't think because there's a ring on your finger, you needn't try any more.

For wives should always be lovers too,
Run to his arms the moment that he comes home to you.

I'm warning you...*

I feel like even if you haven’t had issues, it’s not hard to see why others might? Sleep deprivation…less time together as a couple…stress if you’ve got a colicky/reflux baby…surely anyone could objectively see why that might cause tensions in a relationship? It’s not rocket science.

@Catsmere ain’t got no time for that business , she does tho so I must not be busy enough with my baby or husband ;)

I’m with you OP. Those saying some babies are difficult? Well obviously. But it shouldn’t really matter if your relationship is healthy and both parents are good parents?

if a baby ruins a relationship then it probably wasn’t a good relationship in the first place?