To think babies shouldn’t ruin relationships

[lighttheresomewhere]

It’s so interesting and genuinely so heartwrenching to see the amount of posts on here (and hear it in real life too) about the amount of relationships that drastically change for the worst and even break after having a baby/babies.

we have a 11 month old and I feel like it’s brought us even closer. My husband is a fantastic dad and husband and last night I got all dressed up for him coming to bed and when we were going to sleep he said thank you for making sure we didn’t lose us. I said what do you mean? He said ‘we haven’t lost us’. He started saying about the roommate phase and how we never went through that etc. I said it wasn’t a conscious decision it was just natural that I wanted to have sex pretty early on again, I wanted us to still have date nights and be us but it subconscious. I told him I fell in love with him all over again in a whole new way seeing him bond with the baby.

im not trying to be antagonistic or anything I just genuinely don’t understand how relationships go to shit so much after babies.

So for us the 1st 12 months were hard work. Had a baby in the August of covid- hubby and I had to shield from March as we were both vulnerable.
Had baby and his seizures increased massively for the next year- had a baby with CMPA who fed hourly for 4 months (no-one would listen to me or see us face to face). And we went back into lockdown in our area when baby was 2 weeks old and didn't come out till February time..... (nearly 6 months)
It didn't break us but it was so so so hard- looking after him and baby and house and exclusively breastfeeding for months with no break.......
It didn't ruin us- and nearly 4 years after having her we are more in love than ever- but I can understand why some relationships don't survive this......

I know what you mean op. I felt dd bought dh and I closer. However we were lucky with dd and sleep. I know mum friends not so lucky and honestly it's a killer. Lack of sleep, pnd, lack of freedom, adjusting to a child, and money worries really stress a marriage. Having a child it's a life changing event and it either pushes you closer or apart!

Fucking hell. Tone deaf much?

@Tiredalwaystired I didn't say they did 🤷‍♀️

Lots of things went wrong for us. We had different caring styles with the baby which caused friction. He worked in a bar and didn’t adapt his lifestyle enough in the beginning. We never had a minute on our own, let alone a night out. Most of our shared past times were no longer feasible. Money became an issue. Sex was not our problem. It was literally everything else.

this is a lovely post, as someone who is planning to have children soon this is really refreshing to read. There is so much negativity out there and on here about motherhood and particularly about the strain it puts on your relationship. I would actually love to hear more about how you think you managed this. I’m very happy for you! Well done! I’m sure it has taken effort and good for you. X

Let's also add going into perimenopause immediately after the birth but no-one believes you because you're too young, so you spend 5 years being gaslit by every medic you see while searching for answers as to why you feel like you're dying.

... That one might be quite niche, admittedly.

In my experience it's the drip drip drip of day to day resentments over years, not something that changes radically within a year of the first birth. When my youngest DC was 1, things were still rosy with STBX, very much in love. Four years and an affair later (not mine) we're getting divorced. I didn't want the divorce despite the affair but STBX felt the grass was greener with someone else's wife.

It was the slow build up of resentment over domestic load, whose career was "more important", and stuff like that which slowly eroded what was once an incredibly close bond with the person I believed to be my soulmate. I would never have left, I know the early years are the hardest and it gets better. But some people just decide they've "had enough", "deserve better", and that this can be achieved by blowing up the family unit and starting again with a different partner.

I hope your relationship continues to be as close and loving as it is now. A good marriage is a wonderful thing to have. Treasure it.

Good for you. Babies changed our relationship and now teenagers are contributing to the breakdown of our marriage.

Ours was hard initially, baby had colic/undiagnosed CMPA until 10 weeks. With husband at work (outside of house as can't work from home) our days went something like this. DH back at 4.30, quick hello, up to shower. Baby starts screaming self sick at 5, DH took baby and would try and comfort them to give me an hour. Id take over at 6 (baby still screaming) maybe I'd try and walk round the block/baby wear/sing and occasionally baby would stop screaming for 5 minutes. DH would cook at 6 and then eat around 6.45 whilst I rocked in a dark room with dummy in baby listening to white noise. We'd swap at 7 so I could eat. Swap again at 8 (baby still screaming) and DH would play Xbox/chill for an hour and then come up at 9, swap again so I could get ready for bed. Baby would pass out from exhaustion of 5 hours non stop screaming at 10 and we'd all go to bed.

I hope you do manage to be ok and we are in the teenage years here and still very much a team - but for me the fact he feels that you dressing up is a reason to say thank you for not losing us isn’t something I would want. We are going through a time when that is the last thing (bereavement issues with the teenagers) and for me not losing us is being a team together with it and supporting each other emotionally and being a sounding board when things get tough. Not dressing up in lingerie

I’m guessing you’re about 21 as you sound very young and a bit unworldly. Come back when you had another kid or two and are a bit older and experienced in life.

If only we were all more like you @lighttheresomewhere 😂

I had severe PND after my first, our relationship was fine through that, and we went on to have another, which was also fine, but a DD that didn't sleep through the night even once until she was 5 and then still a terrible sleeper until she started secondary school left us fighting for our sanity and our relationship ended. I'm not sure me putting on a frilly nighty and a face full of slap at bedtime would have helped.

@op for starters babies don't ruin relationships. Incompatibility, different expectations and unkindness are the things that ruin relationships.

Marriages are a journey and if the relationship is right you face life's challenges together. In doing so you find out how your partner deals with significant challenges and it might be different to how you do. It's part of growing together and understanding each other. Successful, compatible marriages can withstand the challenges but even then the learning curve can be as hard to navigate as the challenge and some partners are more compromising than others.

Examples of challenges:

Miscarriages
Stillbirth or death of a child
Loss of a job
Serious illness (physical or psychological) or even not so serious illness
A child with a disability
Infidelity
Loss of a parent
Moving house
Changing financial circumstances - for better or for worse
Moving through life's stages (primary, secondary, uni)
Different approaches to parenting
Different approaches to spending
Realising a partner is a workaholic / inclined to idleness
Addictions
Menopause
Becoming carers for parents
Becoming grandparents

All couples will face some of the above, some will support each other and complete.their journey (usually if cracks are minimal) others will break.

Are you in your 20s OP? Lots of growing up to do I think. Let's hope you grow together and not apart 😂

everyone's experience is different. What exactly do you not understand?

Good on you but such an ignorant and smug post!

Loads of reasons:
lack of sleep (main one)
a challenging baby in other ways and stress this can cause (disabilities, illnesses, baby not eating properly etc)
different style of parenting
in-law issues

and that’s just the early days! Wait til the kid can walk and talk 😂

😆😆😆😆😆

Gold star for you.
Unfortunately not everyone has the same experience, myself included.

Well done OP. You're so much better than the rest of us awful slobby hags. Congratulations.

Op your inability to think critically about this and realise that other people's experiences are vastly different to your own because of numerous external and internal pressures does not bode well for your long path as a parent and partner.

I would suggest a large dose of humility would not go amiss.

As someone with small kids atm (which is hard enough), can I ask why teens are causing you marital issues? I feel I’m being far too optimistic about the future…

I think I can say with certainty that the OP's a man.

Perhaps you are one of those woman that love their husband more than their baby? In which case that would be easy to keep your husband happy, because you would naturally always put him first. No reason for him to complain.