To think babies shouldn’t ruin relationships

[lighttheresomewhere]

It’s so interesting and genuinely so heartwrenching to see the amount of posts on here (and hear it in real life too) about the amount of relationships that drastically change for the worst and even break after having a baby/babies.

we have a 11 month old and I feel like it’s brought us even closer. My husband is a fantastic dad and husband and last night I got all dressed up for him coming to bed and when we were going to sleep he said thank you for making sure we didn’t lose us. I said what do you mean? He said ‘we haven’t lost us’. He started saying about the roommate phase and how we never went through that etc. I said it wasn’t a conscious decision it was just natural that I wanted to have sex pretty early on again, I wanted us to still have date nights and be us but it subconscious. I told him I fell in love with him all over again in a whole new way seeing him bond with the baby.

im not trying to be antagonistic or anything I just genuinely don’t understand how relationships go to shit so much after babies.

Just seen that post, you'd think she'd have asked her DH "what happened to send your last relationship to shit after your first two kids?" rather than posting on here about how rosy life is.

Although maybe she did and he said "exW never wore lingerie"....

Yes, I don't doubt it. I bet he put the blame firmly at the door of his ex for not fucking him often enough.

OP your relationship is very young, married for a year, a baby for 11 months of that. Try not to be too smug, there's a long way to go.

Well, I hope the weather stays fine for you.

It’s a long road and you are only 1 year in to it. 😉

" I just genuinely don’t understand how relationships go to shit so much after babies"

OP, this statement is either the height of fake wide-eyed innocence, you are extremely young, totally lack imagination and empathy, or you must live in a well. Your subsequent posts make you sound rather unpleasant and superior as well. Gloating is never a good trait even when dressed up as innocence. You don't know what others have gone through or what's around the corner for you.

This could also be a manifestation of your history with anorexia, that you are here indirectly talking about body image, and seeking validation from your husband (and yourself). And you also think this is the solution to every relationship rough spots after children. This is the very blinkered thinking that is characteristic of body image issues, that looking good will fix everything.

lighttheresomewhere

oh for god sake the amount of people who are focusing on the lingerie thing.

It's not other people: you focused on your husband being relieved you didn't go through the "roommate phase"; you talked about getting "all dressed up" for him when going to bed, and you said you wanted to have sex early on.

You didn't mention anything about how wonderful it is you both share the load while working full time etc
If you were genuinely interested in why babies seem to cause problems in some marriages while your baby has brought you together, you'd have asked that.
Although that would suggest you have no imagination or empathy whatsoever.
Most people wouldn't post on MN to say everything was hunky-dory and there's nothing to see here.
People often post if there are problems because they hope for advice, help, support, etc
Most people getting on okay generally don't bother posting to just say that and most people understand that problems can and do happen for all sorts of reasons.

I doubt your husband meant "I'm so glad we're coping well with our baby and I love the way we split the load" when he said he's glad you didn't have the roommate phase.
He meant "Thank God the sexy times haven't dried up".
Hope he'll be as understanding if there's a time when sex isn't on the menu for some reason.

In the meantime, carry on with getting all dressed up, maybe do a sexy dance for him a la Jules Oliver if you like (God knows why she shared that), but don't be surprised when other people go "vom" and take the piss. Nobody's interested in people banging on <ahem> about their great sex life.
Which is all you were doing.

Go on have another one, i dare you lol.

I hate these smug posts. I had a friend who did this but posted all over instagram of her out with her baby in Michelin star restaurants ,playing golf (yawn) or getting her "body back" in 6 weeks with the caption "kids dont have to change your life, you can still do all of it, im proof etc". And a thousand selfies. I thought it was poor taste and insensitive to those who may be struggling with PND, might be finding motherhood hard for all kinds of reasons.
Unsurprisingly i didnt see many photos of this kimd when she had a toddler to manage. Guess what michelin star restaurants and toddlers don't go well together. Lol.

Also would hate to be with someone i felt i had to dress up for, for sex.

Quite. The first year can often be the easier bit…🙄

Oh OK, so he's telling her his first marriage ended because of the roommate thing and she's making sure she keeps the sex going so that she doesn't make the ex-wife's mistake? I wonder if he takes any responsibility for his divorce or if he tells the OP it was all her fault for losing them?

I have a few children, unless you have a poorly baby/non-sleeper/reflux etc then everything can be quite rosy to begin with.

My youngest has autism...she has slept through three times in her 7 years on this earth and that's with melatonin added in.

You sound so smug I actually feel a bit sorry for you with your one child. Most couples are fine with one child it's when more come along that the strain becomes greater. I'm sure you'll actually be quite embarrassed about this post if you have another child and it isn't like this

As my very patronising but well meaning friend used to say to my ds when he was little -

“Well done you!”

I don't understand why people don't "understand" so many basic things. Or why they don't do a bit or reading and listening and broaden their horizons.

What a show off. Our relationship wasn’t ruined but tested for sure. Baby woke up every hour or more for 10, nothing we tried helped. My husband had severe
chronic migraines during that time. Try wanting sex early and dressing up and not losing couple time when you’re a f-ing zombie having breakdowns every other day with no family help, going to bed at 8pm to try and get -some- sleep.
Empathy breakdown there?

OP, I dont necessarily think you’re unreasonable to feel what you feel. I also don’t feel it is inevitable that once your baby hits toddler/tween/teen they will become a monster.

My eldest has been a breeze all the way through and is now heading into A levels. My youngest has definitely been somewhat trickier but is getting a grip on her behavioural challenges as she gets older. My husband is still by my side and my rock through it all.

Am I lucky? Probably (certainly with eldest’s inate nature). But I got my fingers badly burned with an ex and if I had had children with him I would have certainly told a different story. By now I can guarantee you that me and the kids would have been left high and dry without a pot to piss in. It’s good fortune that I worked this out in time. Not everyone does or can until the situation rears it’s head too late.

I think what is unreasonable about your post is your lack of understanding how it can go south and blindside you.

With one child aged 11 months, you’re about 10% of the way through your parenting journey. Wait and see where you are when you’re at 90% eh?

There could be numerous issues at play that put a huge strain on a relationship after a baby. Issues with in-laws, financial problems, housing issues, one partner not pulling their weight, a baby that rarely sleeps and cries all the time, a baby that is ill and in hospital or a mother that has had a traumatic birth and takes a long time to heal and recover/might take a long time to have a physical relationship again as much as the other partner wants one.

I suspect you'd find things a lot more challenging if you had injuries from birth, or your baby was disabled or had special needs.

Not everyone is lucky enough to have an easy baby 🙄

They do understand, they just get kicks out of being all smug and disingenuous.

Ops post and replies are clearly meant to goad but it’s important to realise it’s absolutely normal to go through a period where your sexual desire decreases after having a baby. The physical and psychological impact on a woman’s body is really significant.

My dd was premature and she had to be resuscitated after being delivered by crash section under general anaesthetic. The following day we were asked if we wanted to continue with intensive care or let her pass naturally. Of course we chose to continue and she recovered. But the trauma of this and stress of waiting to find out if she was going to have a disability for a year triggered Fibromyalgia and I spent 18 months exhausted and in pain. I also breastfed for 18 months and the combination killed my sex drive stone dead for 2 years. There was absolutely nothing I could have done differently to stop my body feeling repulsed by sex.

I was you! I was so you, that I ended up pregnant again at 7mo pp because we just couldn't keep our hands off each other. The second baby has come with a A LOT more challenges. We're still okay but it's certainly not the same as after the first baby. Don't rest on your laurels, you never know what life's going to throw at you. But for now, enjoy x

Not to mention when both parents have opposing views on how to raise the child such as one is into gentle parenting and one is pro “cry it out” etc

Not everyone with a special needs baby immediately has relationship issues. Statistically higher because of the additional strain, granted, but special needs or disability doesn’t automatically mean mum is left to do it all while dad slinks away.

I think it is unhelpful and frightening to perpetuate this myth for new parents of special needs babies. Marriages CAN stay strong.

AhBiscuits

I can see from advanced search that just a few days ago you were arguing with him about exs and step children, so maybe it's not quite the paradise you're selling.

Ah.
Yes, having read that I did an AS too.
So OP's only been married a year?
I'm sure others can benefit from her vast experience.

I wanted us to still have date nights and be us

I’d love to have date nights with my husband and a chance to be us. We don’t live near family so we’ve had two nights out in 2.5 years, one was a wedding and we couldn’t stay late because my mum didn’t want to be driving on our roads too late and one was a meal but it didn’t lead to sex afterwards because my mum was asleep in the next room. Both of those nights required organising months in advance because it needed my mum to make sure she was free and travel to us.

I’m glad my husband realised that having a child meant our lives would change and we wouldn’t have sex as regularly as we did before. That sometimes us both working full time and managing nursery bugs with no family support means that sometimes sex would be the bottom of the priority list. I’d hate to feeI I have to sex with him when I’m exhausted just so I didn’t lose him or “become roommates”. I think it’s incredibly naive you can’t recognise your own good fortune and incredibly sad that a year into parenthood the main selling point is that you kept your sex life.

I think we handed this badly and should have asked her for more advice first before answering her question.

She just kicked the beehive and ran away.