To think babies shouldn’t ruin relationships

[lighttheresomewhere]

It’s so interesting and genuinely so heartwrenching to see the amount of posts on here (and hear it in real life too) about the amount of relationships that drastically change for the worst and even break after having a baby/babies.

we have a 11 month old and I feel like it’s brought us even closer. My husband is a fantastic dad and husband and last night I got all dressed up for him coming to bed and when we were going to sleep he said thank you for making sure we didn’t lose us. I said what do you mean? He said ‘we haven’t lost us’. He started saying about the roommate phase and how we never went through that etc. I said it wasn’t a conscious decision it was just natural that I wanted to have sex pretty early on again, I wanted us to still have date nights and be us but it subconscious. I told him I fell in love with him all over again in a whole new way seeing him bond with the baby.

im not trying to be antagonistic or anything I just genuinely don’t understand how relationships go to shit so much after babies.

As the mother of a 10 month old, I can honestly say that myself and my partner have gotten stronger as a couple since the birth of our child.

But I can see why some relationships go to shit. Being a parent is hard. Lack of sleep, stress, lack of money. Etc.

The only reason my partner and I have gotten stronger is because we let the small things go and do our best to communicate with each other. We don't plod along in a bubble like we used to. It takes a lot of effort. Effort that not everyone has the energy for. Energy that we sometimes don't have if I'm honest.

Our LO was a bad sleeper for the first 6 weeks (still isn't great). But we were like ships passing in the night at first. Working in 6 hour shifts to care for our LO while the other got some sleep. It was hard and it took its toll on us both. We are still recovering. Not everything is sunshine and roses when it comes to being a parent. It's hard.

If the man was a useless shit bag then having a baby didn't change anything.

That's nice but not always going to happen. Often stress caused by non sleeping babies, financial pressures and a myriad of other issues. Glad things going so well for you though

OP you should be coming back and thanking the women who have shared their
experiences and pain with you.

if you really were just “genuinely trying to understand”

If a baby didn’t break you then that’s great, but it’s also possible something else could. Everybody deals with stuff differently.

Yes has it helped you understand?

@lighttheresomewhere I know a fair few people who found the baby years easy and the toddler years harder, and some who broke up during the early school years.

So far me and my husband have been great; no increase in fights or big issues between us, and DS is 2.5. But I’m very aware that it’s something that could happen at any time…. “There but by the grace of god”, and all that. I wouldn’t be showing off about it. You’re not half way through the woods yet, alone at the other side.

You've been lucky too. You’ve either got childcare on tap or you’ve taken your baby on date nights - easy to do when they’re a baby, not so much when they’re a toddler or a primary school aged kid. They’re sleeping well, they’re not unwell, you haven’t had to bedshare. You haven’t had any physical or emotional issues that make sex difficult.

I wonder if you’d have fared so well if you did? Your husband sounds sweet saying thank you for you “not losing us”… but what he’s referring to sounds a lot like he’s thankful you still prioritise him. Personally, if you plan on further kids, I’d be a bit worried about how he’d cope if you DID need to get lost in the children a bit, and couldn’t prioritise him. Would he still be as great without the lingerie/date nights/time off?

I’m pleased this bit has gone well for you, though. Genuinely.

This post reads like it’s been written by a bloke who reads The Sun and Daily Mail.

You're baby's only 11 months old. You haven't even started yet.
Wait until you're juggling work and nursery/school, whilst regularly being called away or having to call in sick because of illness, whilst also trying to manage everything that needs to be done at home - because you'll work 3 or 4 days a week to your husband's 5, so you'll be seen as having time on your hands.

Weird how you’ve not responded to any of the responses that actually answer your question and just some about your lingerie.

Sounds like you've had an idyllic year. I hope potty training goes well for you and your DC doesn't poo in your lingerie drawer.

Oh dear. I don't have kids but anyone could tell this would go down like a lead balloon.

You are only eleven months in. There is still
plenty of time for things to change.

Also having a second can change things drastically as no two pregnancies /children are the same.

Just enjoy your family now and glad you have found it a positive experience.

I can see from advanced search that just a few days ago you were arguing with him about exs and step children, so maybe it's not quite the paradise you're selling.

All relationships have issues and sometimes the pressures of children blow them up.

Yes I agree with this.

Well spotted!

Maybe OP thinks is the way to keep her from becoming an ex, is the lingerie.

She could've taught the first woman a thing or two I'm sure.

Who thinks he came to the relationship bemoaning the fact that his first partner wasn't interested (or not as much) in sex after the children came along.

I think it’s easy to see how children can and do destroy relationships. Some people aren’t natural parents which is something you only discover once you become a parent so by then, it’s obviously too late. If your partner is one such person and they don’t pull their weight as a parent, that inevitably breeds a lot of resentment which is difficult to get past.

It can also just be a case of getting sick and tired of one another when you’re exhausted and things get fraught. The relationship lulls, passion disappears, things get mundane and it’s easy to adopt a grass is always greener approach.

At 11 months I was still on mat leave. By 2 years I had returned to work for a year and dh wasn't doing his fair share. I nearly left him. It took a long time for things to really be equal again and we're pretty much there now.

Things change in relationships and a baby is a huge shift that causes many people to see their relationship differently. Dd is 13 now and we've survived and thrived but it could easily have gone the other way. It's not a competition and sex is just one aspect of a relationship. Keep an eye on the other stuff. It matters

I think you need to take a bit of time to reflect why you needed to create a post which was ultimately just telling people you had sex with your husband the night before. (Which it is if you look not that carefully. It's certainly not about your baby or how you and your husband have adapted well to life as a family. The baby barely got a mention and nothing revealed about how your husband is a "fantastic father and husband".)

I don't believe you posted because you don't understand why other people's relationships change or fall apart after having a baby. (Because it's not too hard to figure out.)

I think it's more due to what @KomodoOhno said upthread "What you boast of is what you lack". So what are you so concerned your husband will do if you did have a time after birth where you didn't feel like "it"?

Do you think your relationship wouldn't survive times where sex might be less frequent? What is your fear if your relationship changes from how it was at the start? Key question is i suppose is what do you think he meant by "us" - unhealthy answer is your body being in pre baby shape and looking good in lingerie and wanting sex.

Decent and strong relationships take different forms but one thing that's in common is they get through the rough patches that happen for many reason. Such as a dip in frequency of sex when there's small babies in the house. Might be a few cross words along the way but if both people communicate they get through it (and back to having frequent sex too). It's not a good relationship if one person is doing their upmost not to upset the apple cart and the other only stays because nothing changes for them.

🤣🤣

We're potty training now and while I hope this doesn't happen (also, I don't have a lingerie drawer), I think it would crack us up.

The dog once pooed in a bag full of baking equipment I had lent to someone and had just popped next to the door while they visited and forgotten about for a day. I still mourn the stacking cooling trays to this day!

But OP you will get flamed for this.

Perhaps reserve judgement until your second baby comes along 😆

'I find it easy so why doesn't everyone?!'. Such a self - centred attitude. Have you managed to make any mum friends OP? I hope you don't talk like this to them!

Date nights you say?
Who has the baby?

😬