Grown Men Dating Teenagers

[ReallyDubious]

I have a male acquaintance who expressed a really concerning opinion about age gap relationships. He thinks that it is ok for a much older man to date younger women and teenagers as 'some women (or girls) are more mature than others'. Although I agree with that in principle, I do not agree that a teenager is ever mature enough to date a grown man.

He said he dated 'mature' teens when he was in his 40s and I'm seriously revolted at the thought. AIBU to think there is something seriously wrong with this man?

Yes exactly, with a nice dose of mysoginy around how women being concerned about teenage girls in relationships with middle aged men are just pearl clutching and bitter and jealous or incapable of logical thought

Because of course the fact that we have concerns about 50 year old Bob down the road targeting teenagers leaving school must be because we are all bitter dried up hags who are jealous of the 17 year olds catching his attention

Not because when we were 16 and 17 the Bob's of our day were lecherous predators who were only interested because we were just legal, and quite frankly some of them before we were legal, and we don't want the younger generation to go through that like we did

All of course mixed in with this idea that men can't help it if they fall in love with a teenager, it's love, it's not their fault. Who knew men where such hopeless, emotional creatures so driven by the stirring of their loins that they can't make a rational decision. I mean if that's the case then quite frankly they shouldn't be in all those big important jobs women were shut out of for years because we were apparently the emotional ones 🙄

I understand people defending their life choices, the point of my post is to illustrate that the narrative around these kinds of relationships is eerily similar in a lot of cases, because the younger partner has to convince themselves that it was different, because if they think too hard about it they will realise they would be entirely uncomfortable with their own child doing the same, and wouldn't be happy with a 32 year old man saying 'well, she's mature for her age' and 'she pushed ME' about their 19 year old daughter, because that line of thinking might lead you to having some unpleasant realisations about your own partner.

Honestly, if they've made it 20 years down the line and still happy, I don't think there's any need to put a sinister twist on it, like the man is a nonce.

And if the woman isn't promoting age gaps to their daughters, that's perfectly sensible.

Basically "me and your dad worked out, but it's not a great idea because there's differences in maturity/vulnerability that some men will exploit".

I really can't see the outrage. Not every case is sinister, there doesn't have to be some dark revelation. And that still doesn't mean it's desirable/sensible for a teenager/young woman to be dating an older man.

This is it, they get offended by it like it's a personal attack, their egos are massive. Men in their 40s shouldn't be expecting younger women to be attracted. I don't get offended that young men aren't attracted to me, I don't expect them to be!
Same with a man in his 70s I know. He took it personally that a woman in her 50s wasn't interested. I had to explain it's not personal about him, she just shouldn't be expected to find people much older attractive.

@taleasoldashoney well said with your last long post 🙌🏼

These are the type of men who jet off to Thailand, or previously Ukraine, to be ripped off of their life savings by one of those dodgy 'matrimonial agencies' who tell them attractive young women are just desperate to meet them! These agencies often specifically boast of the 'docility' of the young women, which makes it even more nasty.

Did anyone suggest that?

@IcedPurple My friends elderly dad has started going on mysterious holidays to Bangkok regularly, he's never been someone who goes on holiday. It's ruined their relationship and her memory of him

No because absolutely no one is saying you should have an age-gap relationship. There is nothing wrong with saying "I wouldn't date someone that age" that's not the issue. Calling it disgusting/gross/repulsive because it's not something you'd personally do is the problem. If someone who is 30 wants to date a 50 year old that's no one else's business. But again, not what the original OP was even about. 50 and late teens is the kind of thing the OP was talking about, which yes is repulsive.

Oh my gosh. How utterly horrifying and sad.

So this is the friend who's justification is "some women (or girls) are more mature than others"?

Yeah right.
Mature or not, suggesting a 20-something female's has late-60s maturity is offensive not flattering.
Does he really delude himself with this tripe?

It's really (not) apparent that the 'very vulnerable (to the point of suicidal) young woman in her Early-20's is perfectly suited to a Late-60's man.
I'm sorry, this was nothing less than exploitative abuse.

Your revolted concern is spot on.

It's absolutely okay for someone to say that having a relationship with someone significantly younger would physically repulsed them. It's not about other people's relationships its about their own feelings.

The bit that's not okay is a man telling a woman that if they would be repulsed by a particular person themselves, that that would make them unhinged.

But hey if you want to defend the man who calls women unhinged for voicing their own personal preferences and telling them they have to push aside their own societal constraints because men have a right to a relationship, any age of person can have an intimate relationship and love has no boundaries then you do go it. Personally I think those types of statements are far more concerning than a middle aged woman saying she wouldn't want to have sex with a much younger man, but hey you do you.

It's absolutely okay for someone to say that having a relationship with someone significantly younger would physically repulsed them. It's not about other people's relationships its about their own feelings.

@taleasoldashoney which they just HAVE to voice of course even though they're not the one in that relationship. And instead of just saying something like "that's not for me" they have to make some moral judgement on it from their high horse. They can make as many offensive remarks as they like about others relationships I suppose, I just don't expect they'll win many friends 😆

You know incels make a lot of judgements about others relationships too-women who have slept with a lot of men are described in not very nice terms, do you agree with that? Afterall they're just talking about their own feelings, and if they want to say being with a woman with a "high body count" would be repulsive that's valid right?

If the man targeted a much younger teenager/twentyish woman than yes, it is sinister. The reason he's chosen someone with so much less life experience and someone more likely to defer is not her sparkling wit and conversationalist skills 🙄
Being together 20 years later is just not the flex you think it is. He's had the perfect opportunity to shape his 'partner' into whatever he likes. How would she know any different if she never took the opportunity to know who SHE is before someone was able to subtly 'show' her?

Those types of age gaps are predatory. There is never an innocent reason a man goes after someone who's not long left, if they have, their teen years

My father died when I was 15. I was then completely ignored by my mum (knee deep in her own grief) and struggled terribly for a year or so. I was ND, alone and very vulnerable.

I was hit on All. The. Fucking. Time by men WAY older than me, including teachers at my school. I was desperate for approval and a sense of belonging. I ended up in a horrible, horrible 'relationship' with someone in his 30's. He was abusive and manipulative. I was 16 years old and a complete innocent. It took me decades to get over it.

Men in their 30's and 40's dating teenagers make me feel sick, frankly.

Being together 20 years later is just not the flex you think it is. He's had the perfect opportunity to shape his 'partner' into whatever he likes. How would she know any different if she never took the opportunity to know who SHE is before someone was able to subtly 'show' her?

In 20 years she would have plenty of chances to figure out by herself. Unless you think that women are weak, feeble minded creature with zero will of their own.

You have well and truly hit the nail on the head. Could not agree more.

I mean, Celine Dion stayed with her much older husband until his death and it was still dodgy as hell-they met when she was 12 and he was late 30s, started a relationship when she was 19 (at least that's when they went public), I'm no expert when it comes to grooming (thank god) but isn't that like textbook? She hasn't acknowledged it herself publicly which is her right but just because she stayed with him doesn't mean it wasn't all kinds of wrong.

Somewhat interesting that Amazon Prime's new big romcom is about a woman in her 40s dating a boyband singer, and no one at all seems to find this age gap problematic - double standards perhaps?

The Idea of You | Rotten Tomatoes

I’ve never heard this…

@HelmholtzWatson, yes, you make a good point. That said, the basis of the drama is that many people do have a problem with it.

Yes, I would expect there is a lot of eyebrow raising in the movie. However, just to clarify, the point I was making is that it is unlikely Hollywood would greenlight a film about a single man in his 40s dating a girl band singer, and I expect there would be a fair bit of pearl clutching if they did.

Yeah, I really don't think it's fair to treat women like their idiots. If a couple have had a happy 20 year relationship, then good for them.

And not all young women are victims. My parents were an age gap relationship (13 year gap). They seemed like a loving couple/family from what my sibling and dad said. She became abusive and controlling, angry.

They've divorced, sibling passed and she has a new family with a new bunch of kids. She ruins everyone's life she comes into contact with, and was able to break down a man more than a decade older than her.

None of us, my dad, sibling or I were believed. Reporting her for her treatment of her new children was futile.

The poor woman drama doesn't always play out, whether it be because the relationship is actually happy - or the woman is the toxic person.

@HelmholtzWatson The lead actress said herself it's an antidote to what women have had to put up with from men for millennia. And certainly all of hollywood. Maybe it's to get people talking and explore why an audience might find it wrong yet be okay with older man young woman?
Maybe there's no way of stopping them showing older man younger woman so they're doing it for balance "if you can't beat em join em"
Both are grim in my eyes and shouldn't happen but the next best option is having it balanced than the way it is now.

Yes, it's totally unheard of for young women to be partnered with much older men in Hollywood. It never happens.

Maybe it's to get people talking and explore why an audience might find it wrong yet be okay with older man young woman?

Yes, that's effectively what I was doing. There are plenty of examples historically of older men and younger women in Hollywood movies - that Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta Jones movie (Entrapment?) springs to mind.

However, she didn't seem to mind marrying someone of a similar age IRL, so you can argue the historical Hollywood age gap is somewhat reflective of the dating preferences of women and men if they are left to make their own choices