Page 17 | Grown Men Dating Teenagers

ReallyDubious · 2024-05-05T20:57:11+00:00

I have a male acquaintance who expressed a really concerning opinion about age gap relationships. He thinks that it is ok for a much older man to date younger women and teenagers as 'some women (or girls) are more mature than others'. Although I agree with that in principle, I do not agree that a teenager is ever mature enough to date a grown man. He said he dated 'mature' teens when he was in his 40s and I'm seriously revolted at the thought. AIBU to think there is something seriously wrong with this man?

Lavenderandbrown · 13/05/2024 02:49

TempestTost · 05/05/2024 22:43

Teenagers is a funny designation because we tend to think of it as being a child, but arguably people, or most of them anyway, become adults during the teen years. Certainly in the past I would say that most people became functioning adults in the teen years, with the social and personal responsibilities, and privileges, of adults.

As far as the age gap thing, I am a little blase. I don't think romantic love is a kind of relationship that particularly depends on people being close in age. It's not always about two people being very on par in terms of experience, or education, or in some cases even intellect - I know a couple of really successful marriages where I don't think the people involved were intellectual equals. But they like and respect each other. Notably they have other friends that share interests rather than the marriage being the main place for that.

Is it more likely in a case like this that one person will be taken advantage of? Yes, maybe. But it is by no means always the case, and there are plenty of similar age relationships where one person is an exploitative person and the other is vulnerable emotionally. I don't think it's useful to assume that age is the most important factor.

I am inclined to be dismissive of the sort of men who always date much younger women. Even if they aren't exploiters, they seem shallow. But two people can connect over a lot of differernt things even if disparate in age.

exactly like Diana Spencer and Charles.

HelmholtzWatson · 13/05/2024 05:28

IcedPurple · 12/05/2024 11:01

I said that that men compared with women chose partners on the basis of physical attractiveness and youth, and women compared with men chose partners on a variety of traits including status, health, kindness and intelligence.

Both of these statements are objectively true.

Are they?

Most men I know do not only base their opinion of women on "physical attractiveness and youth". If they did, then they're going to have problems, because there are only so many young and attractive women to go round. Most men I know choose partners on a variety of factors, including those you attribute to women.

So I'm not sure this is 'objectively true' at all.

it is. This data is from a famous psychology study, with data taking from 45 countries, so a very large sample

walteretal._2020_psy_sci_fig.jpg (639×479) (psychologytoday.com)

It clearly shows men are interested in younger women, and younger women interested are interested in older men, on average. As well as the other data I cited.

As for "most men you know", what men (and women) will tell you around the dinner table and what they will reveal anonymously are two different things.

https://cdn.psychologytoday.com/sites/default/files/styles/image-article_inline_full_caption/public/field_blog_entry_images/2022-03/walter_et_al._2020_psy_sci_fig.jpg?itok=i5mkmQO0

IcedPurple · 13/05/2024 07:11

HelmholtzWatson · 13/05/2024 05:28

it is. This data is from a famous psychology study, with data taking from 45 countries, so a very large sample

walteretal._2020_psy_sci_fig.jpg (639×479) (psychologytoday.com)

It clearly shows men are interested in younger women, and younger women interested are interested in older men, on average. As well as the other data I cited.

As for "most men you know", what men (and women) will tell you around the dinner table and what they will reveal anonymously are two different things.

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That link doesn't go to the 'famous study', but to a graph.

And it doesn't confirm what you claimed. All it says is that men rate attractiveness higher, and that women rate other attributes 'slightly higher.' It does not say that men only value looks.

As for age, yes some women may prefer slightly older men, but we're talking a difference of maybe about 5 years, not teenagers fancy middle aged men.

SootikinSweep · 13/05/2024 07:14

I know a man of 50 who is about to be divorced from his wife of 30 (they were 22 and 42 when they got together) because it appears that she has now ‘got bored’ of being a wife and a mother and is now reliving her lost youth by moving out and having a complete image change. She has had a terrible past - her father left when she was a baby - and it seemed that the then 42 year old man could offer her the stability and kind of love that she clearly craved. Now she has had all that she’s dropped him like a hot turd and is shagging someone her own age.

I feel sorry for the man because apart from being broken hearted he’s now about to lose half his house and worldly goods but I do think that some men should question why they are so attractive to such young women because it probably isn’t the personality, dashing good looks or sense of humour that they’d like to think it is.

Sweden99 · 13/05/2024 07:37

@Cornwall850, posters had already said that was replusive to them in this thread.
I think there is an issue that as most women cannot imagine preferring men to be 14-30 years older, they cannot imagine any woman would. So, it must be coercion in every occasion.

HelmholtzWatson · 13/05/2024 08:22

IcedPurple · 13/05/2024 07:11

That link doesn't go to the 'famous study', but to a graph.

And it doesn't confirm what you claimed. All it says is that men rate attractiveness higher, and that women rate other attributes 'slightly higher.' It does not say that men only value looks.

As for age, yes some women may prefer slightly older men, but we're talking a difference of maybe about 5 years, not teenagers fancy middle aged men.

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[sigh...] How many times do I have to repost my original comment before you stop wilfully misrepresenting what I said?

"No, I did not say it was exclusively about their looks, nor did I say for men it was exclusively about status.

I said that that men compared with women chose partners on the basis of physical attractiveness and youth, and women compared with men chose partners on a variety of traits including status, health, kindness and intelligence.

Both of these statements are objectively true.

So, for the umpteenth time, can you stop wilfully misrepresenting my posts?"

Disturbia81 · 13/05/2024 08:40

SootikinSweep · 13/05/2024 07:14

I know a man of 50 who is about to be divorced from his wife of 30 (they were 22 and 42 when they got together) because it appears that she has now ‘got bored’ of being a wife and a mother and is now reliving her lost youth by moving out and having a complete image change. She has had a terrible past - her father left when she was a baby - and it seemed that the then 42 year old man could offer her the stability and kind of love that she clearly craved. Now she has had all that she’s dropped him like a hot turd and is shagging someone her own age.

I feel sorry for the man because apart from being broken hearted he’s now about to lose half his house and worldly goods but I do think that some men should question why they are so attractive to such young women because it probably isn’t the personality, dashing good looks or sense of humour that they’d like to think it is.

I don't feel sorry for him, he's disgusting.

taleasoldashoney · 13/05/2024 08:44

Firefly1987 · 13/05/2024 02:39

Saying it's "repulsive" sounds a lot like having an opinion on who others should/shouldn't date. I don't think anyone is encouraging anyone to have age gap relationships, just refrain from being so judgemental to others? Too much to ask?

My dad was 27 when he met my mum at 18, I've never thought much of it until reading mumsnet, and my grandad was super protective but didn't seem to mind. My friend dated a 22 year old at 16 and I defo think that was wrong, I did at the time. But late 20s with a 40 something? How odd to be so repulsed by that.

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Saying its odd to be repulsed personally by the thought of dating someone 20 years younger sounds a lot like having an opinion on who others should or shouldn't date. So apparently the expectations on who is allowed to have an opinion only go one way

JazbayGrapes · 13/05/2024 08:54

Saying its odd to be repulsed personally by the thought of dating someone 20 years younger sounds a lot like having an opinion on who others should or shouldn't date. So apparently the expectations on who is allowed to have an opinion only go one way

People need to learn to mind their own business really. What is it to you who dates who? Has anybody asked for your opinion? Because one might say they find interracial relationships unacceptable, because its an opinion.

taleasoldashoney · 13/05/2024 09:02

JazbayGrapes · 13/05/2024 08:54

Saying its odd to be repulsed personally by the thought of dating someone 20 years younger sounds a lot like having an opinion on who others should or shouldn't date. So apparently the expectations on who is allowed to have an opinion only go one way

People need to learn to mind their own business really. What is it to you who dates who? Has anybody asked for your opinion? Because one might say they find interracial relationships unacceptable, because its an opinion.

It's a forum, people give their opinions on the thread topic. That's kind of the point. So yes the OP asked.

If you don't like threads of people giving opinions I'm not sure MN is for you

Cornwall850 · 13/05/2024 09:08

Sweden99 · 13/05/2024 07:37

@Cornwall850, posters had already said that was replusive to them in this thread.
I think there is an issue that as most women cannot imagine preferring men to be 14-30 years older, they cannot imagine any woman would. So, it must be coercion in every occasion.

To suggest "it must be coercion in every occasion " is a huge leap. At the very least you are effectively saying the younger woman has no choice or power in that dynamic. It just sounds ridiculous

candycrush02 · 13/05/2024 09:14

Cornwall850 · 13/05/2024 09:08

To suggest "it must be coercion in every occasion " is a huge leap. At the very least you are effectively saying the younger woman has no choice or power in that dynamic. It just sounds ridiculous

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Powerful, wealthy and charismatic men can easily manipulate anyone with low self esteem including young women.

Equally some women will use such men for their own advantage.

However, i doubt very much an ordinary man in his 40s is dating a series of teenage girls.

I had some some work done recently on the house, the trades were all 40s and 50s, all over weight, balding and had various joint issues, i think sex with any of them would involve large amounts of Viagra and that would be just for me!!!

Sweden99 · 13/05/2024 09:17

Cornwall850 · 13/05/2024 09:08

To suggest "it must be coercion in every occasion " is a huge leap. At the very least you are effectively saying the younger woman has no choice or power in that dynamic. It just sounds ridiculous

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No, I am saying that might be the thought process of the people are are offering blanket condemnation.

Sweden99 · 13/05/2024 09:20

There are a minority of young women who actively prefer much older men. We have posters on this thread who say that includes them. If anyone would like to argue to a poster that they do not exist, feel welcome. It was done to lesbians before.
They have a hard time finding a partner as most of the middle aged men are married, generally unattractive (as many young men are) or not interested in such young women.
There are also redatory relationships where the younger woman is manipulated or forced. That is not identical and clearly bad.

Cornwall850 · 13/05/2024 09:24

candycrush02 · 13/05/2024 09:14

Powerful, wealthy and charismatic men can easily manipulate anyone with low self esteem including young women.

Equally some women will use such men for their own advantage.

However, i doubt very much an ordinary man in his 40s is dating a series of teenage girls.

I had some some work done recently on the house, the trades were all 40s and 50s, all over weight, balding and had various joint issues, i think sex with any of them would involve large amounts of Viagra and that would be just for me!!!

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If that is your prevailing viewpoint I genuinely feel very sorry for the men in your life. It seems effectively any man over the age of 40 is fair game for abuse and discrimination. That seems to be overarching theme to many of these posters on here.

just a bit sad really

candycrush02 · 13/05/2024 09:35

Cornwall850 · 13/05/2024 09:24

If that is your prevailing viewpoint I genuinely feel very sorry for the men in your life. It seems effectively any man over the age of 40 is fair game for abuse and discrimination. That seems to be overarching theme to many of these posters on here.

just a bit sad really

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What???

Initial sexual attraction is (usually) primarily physical, balding fat old men don't do it for me, let alone the vast vast majority of teenage women.
Likewise i doubt too many young men would find me attractive either!

Discrimination? save your tears for people who genuinely need it.

Cornwall850 · 13/05/2024 09:39

candycrush02 · 13/05/2024 09:35

What???

Initial sexual attraction is (usually) primarily physical, balding fat old men don't do it for me, let alone the vast vast majority of teenage women.
Likewise i doubt too many young men would find me attractive either!

Discrimination? save your tears for people who genuinely need it.

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Just stating the obvious that's all

TheaBrandt · 13/05/2024 09:42

So gorgeous young women are “discriminating” against paunchy baldy over 40s men by not shagging them?! Thats hilarious !

Puppuccino · 13/05/2024 09:56

Foxblue · 05/05/2024 22:11

You aren't wrong, but someone will be along to say that they moved out at 17, and had a toddler and their own flat and were very mature for their age at 19 when they met their DH who was then 32 but 'has always been young at heart' and took on a toddler as his own and they are happily married 25 years later with two more kids blah blah.
And if you ask what they/DH would think of. their 19 year old daughter dating a 32 year old man they'll go 'well, that was different, i was very mature for my age'
And they'll say 'I pursued him actually, not the other way round'
And they'll say 'its only on mumsnet that people think age gaps are weird, my parents were worried at first but they grew to love DH and noone else in our lives found it weird'
And if you ask them if at age 32 they found 19 year old men attractive it's tumbleweed....

People defending their life choices? Shocking. We all do it, whether good or less than ideal.

JazbayGrapes · 13/05/2024 10:19

World's gone mad. Actual children are being groomed and molested by "progressive" ideologies, but grown ups dating while being more than 5 minutes older than one another is pearl clutching.

Catsmere · 13/05/2024 10:21

TheaBrandt · 13/05/2024 09:42

So gorgeous young women are “discriminating” against paunchy baldy over 40s men by not shagging them?! Thats hilarious !

Standard MRA and incel talk, isn't it? Daring to not fancy any man is Discrimination and Wrong. Or rather, fancying someone other than the man doing the whining.

taleasoldashoney · 13/05/2024 10:26

JazbayGrapes · 13/05/2024 10:19

World's gone mad. Actual children are being groomed and molested by "progressive" ideologies, but grown ups dating while being more than 5 minutes older than one another is pearl clutching.

What this thread, and a lot of us are mainly talking about is 40 year olds dating teenagers

There has been no pearl clutching about grown ups dating people 5 minutes or even 5 years older

There has been some issue with women daring to state their own personal preference

But if you are concerned about children/teenagers being groomed then a lot of posters posts are specifically about that happening to them as teenagers.

taleasoldashoney · 13/05/2024 10:38

Catsmere · 13/05/2024 10:21

Standard MRA and incel talk, isn't it? Daring to not fancy any man is Discrimination and Wrong. Or rather, fancying someone other than the man doing the whining.

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Yes there is a very clear message that posters not wanting to date everyone is wrong because we women must push aside our own wants and preferences if a man wants us because "love has no boundaries" and we must "let go of our societal expectations and constraints" and allow intimacy to "transcend age groups" 🤮

It's always very concerning when someone thinks women aren't allowed personal choice in who they date because if they do they are discriminating and men have a right to a relationship.

I've seen the agenda before. Both agendas. The women aren't allowed to choose because men have rights, and the love has no boundaries and transcends age.

Funny how all these men in their 40s and 50s aren't also being told that they should stop discriminating against women their own age🙄

CJsGoldfish · 13/05/2024 10:45

SootikinSweep · 13/05/2024 07:14

I know a man of 50 who is about to be divorced from his wife of 30 (they were 22 and 42 when they got together) because it appears that she has now ‘got bored’ of being a wife and a mother and is now reliving her lost youth by moving out and having a complete image change. She has had a terrible past - her father left when she was a baby - and it seemed that the then 42 year old man could offer her the stability and kind of love that she clearly craved. Now she has had all that she’s dropped him like a hot turd and is shagging someone her own age.

I feel sorry for the man because apart from being broken hearted he’s now about to lose half his house and worldly goods but I do think that some men should question why they are so attractive to such young women because it probably isn’t the personality, dashing good looks or sense of humour that they’d like to think it is.

Why would you feel sorry for him? Rookie error. He didn't go quite young enough 🤷‍♀️
I'm more inclined to think "Good for her". So many who fall for predatory behaviour don't have the ability to break free.

It's not the gap that's necessarily an issue more so the gap combined with the age of the younger party. There is only one reason for a much older man to target anyone under twentyish. They know exactly what they are doing and no matter how 'mature' the younger party believes they are, that's really not the attraction. It is so much easier to mold someone into what you want if they have so much less life experience. Often the relationships last, not because they are healthy, but because the younger party doesn't know any different or have the belief that they CAN make changes. It is creepy and it is predatory.

Catsmere · 13/05/2024 10:49

taleasoldashoney · 13/05/2024 10:38

Yes there is a very clear message that posters not wanting to date everyone is wrong because we women must push aside our own wants and preferences if a man wants us because "love has no boundaries" and we must "let go of our societal expectations and constraints" and allow intimacy to "transcend age groups" 🤮

It's always very concerning when someone thinks women aren't allowed personal choice in who they date because if they do they are discriminating and men have a right to a relationship.

I've seen the agenda before. Both agendas. The women aren't allowed to choose because men have rights, and the love has no boundaries and transcends age.

Funny how all these men in their 40s and 50s aren't also being told that they should stop discriminating against women their own age🙄

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It's noticeable how the whining has shifted in this thread from the middle aged men pursuing teenagers to pursuing younger women. It's all about blurring the boundaries, pretending these men aren't chasing the "barely legal" girls. Again, all standard MRA behaviour. I'm surprised we haven't had a dose of complaints about being overlooked in favour of Chads.