DH has become totally unsupportive of my career / business

[SparklyGreenKoala]

I have been a SAHM for a while and with my youngest a few years into primary school, I decided to start my a business with a friend.
It’s a business where the bulk of the work will need to be done during the weekends, so I am out most of Saturday and Sunday but this also means I am completely present the other 5 days.

At first, my husband was very supportive but he has become increasingly dismissive and patronising, because the business hasn’t yet turned a profit. It’s only been going for 3.5 years and it will take time to become established and profitable; He thinks it’s a waste of time and that I should do something else, but I love what I do. I get so much satisfaction from my work, I couldn’t imagine doing something else.

However, his main gripe is he doesn’t have the weekends free to himself and he is carrying more of the burden than me. I have tried to ignore this but he just becomes very shouty, accusing me of having a jolly whilst he has to deal a job he hates.

I accept, it’s not going to be easy, and I have arranged a cleaner to come on Friday afternoons, so there is no house work for him to do on Saturday mornings. However, the complaining hasn’t stopped and he has started to involve the wider family.

Am inbeing reasonable in asking him to support me.

3.5 year is to long I'm with your husband.

12 grand a year for working two days a week during the summer sounds fine to me 🤷🏼‍♀️
I don't know why so many people have gone into 'pile on' mode on this thread 👀

So you made £12k for 2 days work 6 months of the year?.

Can it be done when the dc are at school to minimise weekend working.

It seems like you need to have a serious chat with your fellow owners/partners. Try snd create z more family friendly way of doing things soon. You could employ people to do the weekend work.

i suppose it depends if thd business has legs. It seems a long time to make little. Your DH is right. I wouldn't be happy as to why you couldn't have worked in school time. I'd be livid if my DH pissed off every spring and summer weekend.

Does it have to be done at weekends? I'm not sure I'd be too thrilled if DH was never around at weekends for six odd months straight.

Having read your posts altogether I think you're getting an unfair pasting on here OP.

Statistically it takes any small business at least three years to break even. It takes time, effort and commitment and having been self employed for 7 years and my shop collapsing due to the COL crisis, it's even harder.

If you've hit a niche market and are working with 2 others drawing a salary of 12,000 each pro-rata as you say it's seasonal I'd say it's possibly worth pursuing if your overheads ate manageable.

As to your DH attitude - you are fully present and engaged as a SAHM during the week which presumably makes him doing his job easier.

You hear so much on here about how important it is for women to be self-sufficient financially etc, and here you are with a foot in the door yet getting a kicking for it.

People can't have it all ways. I think what is subconsciously driving the naysayers is that you love what you're doing, and like your DH they feel that's the truly unfair bit. Another case of "I'm suffering and so should other people". A sad reflection of the times we live in sadly.

If you can sit down and work it out with DH that's the best strategy at the moment, but I'm aggrieved for you at the idea of you having to sacrifice something already in progress to "keep the peace" when it could lead to a better future.

Whatever happens I wish you all the best x

I think you have your answer. Most people think you are being unreasonable and feel for your DH.

You need to find a compromise e.g. get a job Mon - Friday that might support the family financially. Then maybe only do one day on you business at the weekend. It's clear the business is important to you for reasons other than profit

Nope. Just addressing the “it’s a hobby/not making money” hysteria.

I agree with @MistressoftheDarkSide

Well I'd be divorcing you so I think your husband is a saint tbh.

Your maths is a bit off actually, but that’s not the point I’m going to make.

It’s not meaningful to work out the full time equivalent and say that it’s paying well. It’s meaningless because it can’t be done full-time. It can only be done on weekends when it’s “fair weather season”. So, it’s a minimal contribution to the family finances but with a very high opportunity cost to the family. It just doesn’t make sense.

April to Sept is 7 months. £12k for 2 days a week 7/12ths of the year is a Full Time equivalent of £52k a year……..

But it isn't if the seasonal nature of the work means you can't earn anything in the off season. A viable seasonal business tends to be one where you work all hours in season but bring in enough to cover your off season - e.g you earn your full year of income working long hours in season.

Not that you just get part time pay for working full hours half the year.

How?

7/12 x 52 = 30 weeks
2 days a week = 60 days
£12000/60 = £200 a day
5x£200 (for a Mon-Fri job) = £1000
£1000 x 52 = £52k annual full time equivalent.

(assuming she could find a job at that level on a mon-Fri basis)

Working out the FTE is pointless when it's a business that can only be done seasonally and part-time.

"Your maths is a bit off actually, but that’s not the point I’m going to make.

It’s not meaningful to work out the full time equivalent and say that it’s paying well. It’s meaningless because it can’t be done full-time. It can only be done on weekends when it’s “fair weather season”. So, it’s a minimal contribution to the family finances but with a very high opportunity cost to the family. It just doesn’t make sense."

Correct. Means absolutely nothing that if the OP did it full time she'd earn more when it's impossible

it could lead to a better future.

What's the better future? Sounds like a fundamental aspect is OP being away every weekend for every March-Oct. Even if she got to a point of paying herself some dividends, I don't see the end goal that makes this worthwhile. If it was possible to do the job in the week, presumably she would done. It's the core nature of the 'business' that makes it sucky for the family. They'll be grown up and gone in the future and that time will never come around again. The being present as a SAHM in the week means much less at school age, and she's already hiring cleaners. The DC could have wraparound and OP could work in the week if she's lacking fulfilment and wants to earn more than 12k.

It’s possible there is a diversification option if the business is sound.

Is there anything yu can do during the week for the business so then other two can focus on markets etc? Could you do accounts, social media planning etc?

Perhaps you could arrange childcare on one of the weekend days.

What does £12k for 6 months of weekend work translate to? Could yu reduce your salary and pay someone? Take on a part time weekday job to fund this if needs be?

Seems there could be a lot of ways to resolve this without throwing in the towel. It doesn't have to be 100% your way or his.

Maybe, but I would assume OP would have explored that route at some point over the last 3.5 years if so.

Either way, talking about the FTE of her income is irrelevant.

As to your DH attitude - you are fully present and engaged as a SAHM during the week which presumably makes him doing his job easier.

Why? Loads of school aged kids have two working parents because there's mot enough to do at home to justify the loss of income.

You hear so much on here about how important it is for women to be self-sufficient financially etc, and here you are with a foot in the door yet getting a kicking for it.

Because bringing in £12k a year at the opportunity cost of having no family time all summer and one parent working full time and solo parenting all weekend is not OP being self sufficient financially. Its not a foot in the door, OP could earn the same as a TA without losing the family weekends.

Its a self indulgent hobby business. If its only providing £36k of income with 3 people going at it for 3.5 years, its not a goer.

You hear so much on here about how important it is for women to be self-sufficient financially etc, and here you are with a foot in the door yet getting a kicking for it.

I agree, but she's not self-sufficient financially.

She's been dicking around for 3.5 years on a hobby business while her husband does all the paid work to support her to do nothing during the week.

She doesn't need to be "present" during the week - her children are in school. Several years into school too, by inference of the OP. If she wants to be self-sufficient financially, or even contribute to the family finances, then she needs a job.

for disclosure my dad worked daytimes and my mum nights when I was very young. They had no childcare and couldn’t afford for my mum not to work (both early in their careers).

my husband worked away 6 days a week for the first 3 years of DD’s life. She’s now a teen and I’m the one working away half the month (DH travelling periodically as well).

I don’t get all the hand wringing over one parent being away for part of the week because it’s utterly normal for some of us.

Can you do more of the work on weekdays/pay someone else to do the work on weekends.

Or - get an extra part time job during school hours during the week. That would pull more money in and take the pressure of DP. Of course it depends on whether his main issue is that the two of you are not earning enough or whether you are very comfortable financially and he doesn't like having to do all the weekend stuff/not seeing you (which is reasonable. If he was working extra hours every weekend so you were alone with the kids all the time you might want a change. Even if it was bringing in loads of cash). I guess the question is would he mind if your business was super profitable but you were just as unavailable at weekends.

At the most basic level, you earn £1k a month over the course of the year. Only you (and your DH) can say if that's an essential contribution to household funds and/or if it's worth the sacrifices that you and your family have to make for it.

@WittyBird that was equally hard for both your mum and your dad. The issue here is that it's hard for DH (working full time and doing all the childcare at weekends and shouldering most of the financial burden) and not for the OP (lots of free time during the week, not much help at weekends, not contributing much financially). It's the imbalance that is the problem.

I don’t get all the hand wringing over one parent being away for part of the week because it’s utterly normal for some of us.

Well, personally speaking, it's not what I want from a marriage or a relationship and maybe the DH feels the same way.