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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH has become totally unsupportive of my career / business

599 replies

SparklyGreenKoala · 05/05/2024 12:11

I have been a SAHM for a while and with my youngest a few years into primary school, I decided to start my a business with a friend.
It’s a business where the bulk of the work will need to be done during the weekends, so I am out most of Saturday and Sunday but this also means I am completely present the other 5 days.

At first, my husband was very supportive but he has become increasingly dismissive and patronising, because the business hasn’t yet turned a profit. It’s only been going for 3.5 years and it will take time to become established and profitable; He thinks it’s a waste of time and that I should do something else, but I love what I do. I get so much satisfaction from my work, I couldn’t imagine doing something else.

However, his main gripe is he doesn’t have the weekends free to himself and he is carrying more of the burden than me. I have tried to ignore this but he just becomes very shouty, accusing me of having a jolly whilst he has to deal a job he hates.

I accept, it’s not going to be easy, and I have arranged a cleaner to come on Friday afternoons, so there is no house work for him to do on Saturday mornings. However, the complaining hasn’t stopped and he has started to involve the wider family.

Am inbeing reasonable in asking him to support me.

OP posts:
alwaysmovingforwards · 05/05/2024 12:26

I think you are being unreasonable.

Sounds like he’s keeping you financially by working full time, you have all week not working and then spend the weekends at a loss making hobby business just because you love it. Personally I’d not accept that from a partner, it’s smacks of freeloading.

Original poster
SparklyGreenKoala · 05/05/2024 12:26

DillyDilly · 05/05/2024 12:23

While you’re not making any profit - are you at least drawing a salary from the business. If not, then 3.5 years is a long time to get the business going.

I can see why your DH is getting pissed off - no family time for six months of the year and no opportunity to have some time to himself at the weekends.

Yes, we are all drawing a small salary from the business. £12k each, and there is 3 of us. I have made it seem much worse than it’s is

OP posts:
namechange1986 · 05/05/2024 12:26

If you get a part time job that makes money during the week then the situation is fairer.

Shinyandnew1 · 05/05/2024 12:28

And what does you 'arranging a cleaner' on fridays really mean? An extra expense? Is he paying for that?

Exaxtly! Is he paying for that is you aren’t earning anything?! If you’re a SAHM with kids at school, why was he having to clean the house on a Saturday morning anyway?! What actually do you do?

Imagine if he was doing a ‘hobby’ job all weekend which didn’t make a profit for 3 years whilst you worked full time and had the kids all weekend alone. How would you feel?

couldn’t imagine doing something else.

You don’t earn any money! This isn’t viable-it’s just you having a free pass to naff off every weekend and do your own thing. whilst your husband has the kids!

I hope this isn’t a reverse!

Pollipops1 · 05/05/2024 12:28

You know what the answers would be if the roles were reversed!

BrummieCahoots · 05/05/2024 12:29

He has a point . Why do you need a cleaner when you are home all week. Why are you running a non profitable business for years ? I'd be pissed off too if my husband was doing that.

RobBeckettsGiantTeeth · 05/05/2024 12:29

This isn't a business. This is you spending both weekend days on a hobby for 3.5 years while your husband works so you can sit around during the week.

I'm not surprised he's pissed off. Your youngest child is "a few years into primary school", you don't need to be "present" for five days; you need to get a job.

Shinyandnew1 · 05/05/2024 12:29

because the business hasn’t yet turned a profit

How can you earn £36k between you if it’s not making a profit?

Allmarbleslost · 05/05/2024 12:30

3.5 years and no profit? That's not ok.

StormingNorman · 05/05/2024 12:31

You have a hobby not a business.

And if I was in your husband’s shoes, I wouldn’t be happy either. He works 7 days a week while you have the week to yourself while the DC are at school and then work two days a week for no money.

Sorry to be so blunt but YABU and your DH has been very patient putting up with this for so long.

Halzie · 05/05/2024 12:31

Is this a reverse? If feels like it is. You are so unreasonable to think that this is ok.

Citylady88 · 05/05/2024 12:32

Based on your update you're earning 12k gross per year? Is this actually going towards your family finances or is it all being ploughed back into business costs? If you are earning 12k a year to only work 2 days a week for half the year that's actually a good salary. 12k for 50 days work .

Howdoesitworkagain · 05/05/2024 12:32

It’s not a viable business.

It’s a crappy situation for your family.

Your husband has had the patience of a saint to endure this for over 3 years.

You’d earn more working P/T at Lidl or Tesco when the kids are at school and then having weekends as a family.

Or do you not want to spend the weekends together? Is that what this is about, you’d rather spend all your nice weather season weekends with your friends?

Yeah your husband’s got a raw deal here.

DoAWheelie · 05/05/2024 12:32

Shinyandnew1 · 05/05/2024 12:29

because the business hasn’t yet turned a profit

How can you earn £36k between you if it’s not making a profit?

Because profit is what is left after all expenses like materials, rent, salary etc. You are thinking of revenue which is income to the business.

There is revenue coming into the business but once all expenses are paid there is nothing left.

pinkdelight · 05/05/2024 12:32

But March-Oct are the best months of the year and you're missing all the weekend family time while your DCs are young. Most families who've decided to fund a SAHP arrangement would value that family time together, not put it all on the working spouse to manage the DC alone every Spring/Summer w/e. i could understand that if finances were really stretched and the SAHP needed an evening/weekend job to help pay the bills but that's the opposite of this. I work a lot of weekends now the DC are older and can entertain themselves, but even though I work a lot (never been a SAHP), I'd still not have missed those weekends together when they were little. No one's getting anything out of this except you in terms of personal fulfilment and you have five school days per week to get that for yourself. Or you could work in the week and you wouldn't need your DH to be so supportive of your lifestyle choices. But I still think it's a very unfamily friendly choice you're making and pretty selfish.

Pin0cchio · 05/05/2024 12:33

Drawing 12k makes it a bit better but its still not exactly a great business is it.

What do you do for the half the year its "dead"?

RobBeckettsGiantTeeth · 05/05/2024 12:33

Pollipops1 · 05/05/2024 12:28

You know what the answers would be if the roles were reversed!

Exactly. She's doesn't work, and also she's ducking out of family responsibility on both weekend days so she can swan around on her "business" (it's not a business, she's doing a hobby for two days a week).

If a man did that he'd be absolutely crucified as a cocklodger.

FlameTulip · 05/05/2024 12:34

You are "completely present" for the other five days? But those are the days when all the rest of your family are out at school or work so you being completely present seems a bit meaningless?

Immemorialelms · 05/05/2024 12:35

Also how does getting a cleaner on a Friday help DH? Surely you would do the cleaning as part of your contribution, during your 9-3pm 5 days a week? Trickier in school holidays obviously but that's the challenge of being a SAHM which you essentially are.

WittyBird · 05/05/2024 12:36

April to Sept is 7 months. £12k for 2 days a week 7/12ths of the year is a Full Time equivalent of £52k a year……..

The issue is that the work is at weekends. Not that it’s not paying.

mynameiscalypso · 05/05/2024 12:36

I appreciate that you might love the job and get satisfaction from it but there is no way I could miss out on every weekend with my family for six months a year.

Motnight · 05/05/2024 12:37

What was the original agreement between you and your DH, Op?

pinkdelight · 05/05/2024 12:37

WittyBird · 05/05/2024 12:36

April to Sept is 7 months. £12k for 2 days a week 7/12ths of the year is a Full Time equivalent of £52k a year……..

The issue is that the work is at weekends. Not that it’s not paying.

Good point. So does that mean it's not likely to be profitable?

TakeOnFlea · 05/05/2024 12:37

"April to Sept is 7 months. £12k for 2 days a week 7/12ths of the year is a Full Time equivalent of £52k a year……..

The issue is that the work is at weekends. Not that it’s not paying."

🤣 are you the OPs mate?

Pin0cchio · 05/05/2024 12:37

"Completely present" 5 days a week when the kids are at school is pointless.

Can't you do any of the work mon-fri while children are in school so that you can help with the family on weekends?

If its a "business" that only exists on weekends in summer its probably not ideal for you with a family and you'd be better suited finding a different job.