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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My husband has plans , I need his help , backstory

133 replies

tiedinnotts · 05/05/2024 08:21

My husband is the father of our two children , works hard , generally good and involved when home , definitely not the worst so I know I'm lucky

This weekend is the week before our eldest starts her GCSE . His parents are visiting for the weekend and staying over in a hotel . They can be hard work but I've agreed on condition I and eldest are not expected to spend the whole weekend with because of upcoming exams / study time . I also changed my plans to go out so we could go for an evening meal all together .

Dd got into some trouble st school , a stupid decision to take a photo of a friend who was goofing about after PE
has led to an exclusion . She is really upset and I am too because she's had a v difficult secondary experience with friends and is now doing great . School are v supportive but have to impose sanctions .

So back to the weekend my husband planned to go back with his parents Sunday evening and meet up with other family on Monday . Because of exams and so he can see his parents have some time I'm staying home with children Sunday evening / bank holiday Monday .

The letter to reintroduce Dd back to school came yesterday , meeting is at 8:15 on Tuesday after bank holiday . She won't be allowed back in school until meeting . School have given least serious sanction and want her back in school as it's start of her exams .

Our other Dd is 9 , her school opens at 8:30 . I can't be doing reintegration meeting at 8:15 and get other Dd to school .

So I've asked him to change his plans and come home on Monday night or early Tuesday to take youngest to school . He says no .

Opinions please

OP posts:

sheoaouhra · 05/05/2024 08:24

tell the school you are not available at that time. Either before or after, but not 8.15 due to taking another child to school

Eviebeans · 05/05/2024 08:24

Could he take youngest with him and they can go back to school on Wednesday…

thanKyouaIMee · 05/05/2024 08:24

Can you contact the school to change the appointment? It's bad for them to send a letter about an 8.15am Tuesday meeting to arrive on the Saturday of the bank holiday weekend, it doesn't allow for the many reasons parents wouldn't be able to make it.

Uncooperativefingers · 05/05/2024 08:26

He says no? What a shit father. What does he suggest should happen?

Immemorialelms · 05/05/2024 08:27

He sounds shitty, so you aren't unreasonable to be pissed off with him.

But parking that for a bit so the children can be looked after - is there a morning breakfast club at DD9's school? If so she could be dropped there earlier then you head on to the reintegration meeting?

VegetableGyoza · 05/05/2024 08:27

Take the younger daughter to the meeting with you and drop her off at school later? Not ideal but a solution.

Then start divorce proceedings?

Icepop79 · 05/05/2024 08:28

He’s being completely unreasonable! He needs to prioritise his children’s education and get home to help out. Your oldest needs to be allowed back in school for her exams and needs the stress of exclusion taken away asap so she can focus on them.

If he absolutely won’t, is there a friend you could drop your youngest off with on your way to the meeting who could take her to school?

Weenurse · 05/05/2024 08:29

Drop youngest with school friend and offer pick up or drop off to that parent going forward.

Stoufer · 05/05/2024 08:30

If he doesn’t budge, I would take the 9yr old along to the meeting too, then drop her off to school afterwards. Then when DH returns think seriously about what to do - as this is incredibly unsupportive of him, at a very important time in your DD16’s school life. My DH had planned an overseas work trip for next week, and when I realised this (a few months ago) we had a major argument, but he did actually cancel the plans (it is one dc’s SATs week, as well as the first full week of gcses for another dc). Good luck.

Civilservant · 05/05/2024 08:30

DH is U but in your shoes if he refuses to help I’d ask another parent to take DC2 to school with their DC or take DC2 to sit outside DC1’s meeting then drop DC2 off at school late. I wouldn’t change the meeting about DC1.

i also wouldn’t ask DC1 to spent any time at all with the visiting GPs on the weekend before gcses start!

TimetoPour · 05/05/2024 08:32

He is a dick. This isn't a favour, they are his responsibility too.

Can you drop 9 year old at a friend’s house so she can go in to school with them? You shouldn’t have to but if he isn’t going to step up then you may have to.

Tagyoureit · 05/05/2024 08:33

Where is your husband staying on Monday night? Why does seeing family mean he has to stay away? Isn't he back to work Tuesday morning? Where is dd9 in all this? You said you and your eldest are at home? So why does dh get child free time and then get to skip out of parent duties on Tuesday as well?

Seems pretty shitty to me.

Personally, I'd phone the school early tomorrow and tell them you can come in after drop off. As PP said, it's ridiculous to set a meeting so early with no way for you to confirm you can make it.

Workawayxx · 05/05/2024 08:34

He’s being a dick, what does he actually expect you to do? I’d take dd2 to the meeting and then drop her at school after. Id probably say to school she has an appointment and hope they didn’t ask further! I imagine she will only be 1/2 hr late. I’d let him know dd2 has missed school due to him.

Nottherealslimshady · 05/05/2024 08:35

He doesn't get to say no. You're not asking for a favour. His children require his parenting, it's not optional.

GinForBreakfast · 05/05/2024 08:37

The 9 year old can be late for school. Or find a friend to do the school run for you. It seems a shame to disrupt lots of plans for the sake of a small schedule clash.

I imagine there’s a lot of stress about because of GCSEs, we’re going through similar. There’s no point in adding to it by having ideological battles with your husband.

Velvian · 05/05/2024 08:37

Tell DH that's fine, but he has to make arrangements to get DD2 to school with someone else. He is being VU.

I think even 'good' fathers can get into these thought processes where they are doing you a favour that you don't deserve for whatever reason, without seeing the massive favour that you are doing in handling all this shit in the first place.

I recently lost it with DH after I had taken 2 days off work to be with DD in hospital and asked him to sort out what DS was doing after school on one of the days. His umming and aahing was not received well by me.

sheoaouhra · 05/05/2024 08:37

you are asking your husband to cut short his holiday for the sake of about 15 minutes? I think YABU

neerg · 05/05/2024 08:39

thanKyouaIMee · 05/05/2024 08:24

But the school is trying to get the child back into school for exams....what else could they do?

Anyway, primary child's school would understand if she was late for one day.

Your priority (and unfortunately not your husband's) is to get the older child in.

T1Dmama · 05/05/2024 08:39

Can DD2 not go in with a friend?
if not then drop DD1 off to her meeting, get her to tell them you have to take DD2 to school… drop DD2 and then head back to the meeting.
surely their main priority is talking to DD1,
I suspect the time is so she’s in for registration and so that the teacher meeting with you can start teaching at 9am

pasturesgreen · 05/05/2024 08:41

It'd seem you're married to a selfish twat, I'm sorry OP.

Either ask a friend (explain the predicament, I'm sure not many would refuse you) or take DD9 along to the meeting and drop off a bit later.

Then go with what a PP suggested and start divorce proceedings. Only half joking.

Coshei · 05/05/2024 08:42

When did your older daughter get excluded?

This is on the school tbf. A lot of people will have made plans to travel this weekend, and they sent the letter so late that it arrived on a bank holiday Saturday which means that they gave you no chance to reschedule. I’d contact them asap and point out that the given appointment time does not work and that you were given no time to arrange a suitable time because you were notified so late.
Personally I’d just have the younger one go to school later that day. It’s not like it’s the end of the world.

Homesweethome23 · 05/05/2024 08:42

Ignoring that your husband is being unhelpful.

Your only options would be to ask another parent of younger daughters friends to help you or a relative.

If none available then younger child goes in later to school that day.

NeedToChangeName · 05/05/2024 08:42

2 entirely separate issues, IMHO

DD9 getting to school for 8.30am = easily resolved. She could arrive late, friend or neighbour takes her, breakfast club etc

DH planning a visit when he should be staying at home to support older DD is bigger issue

welshycake · 05/05/2024 08:43

What does your "D"H propose is the answer?

thanKyouaIMee · 05/05/2024 08:46

@neerg

What else could the school do? Phone the parents when they posted the letter - assuming Thursday / Friday to make them aware and give them extra notice! Give a contact option over the bank holiday to re arrange if needed?

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