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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husband has plans , I need his help , backstory

133 replies

tiedinnotts · 05/05/2024 08:21

My husband is the father of our two children , works hard , generally good and involved when home , definitely not the worst so I know I'm lucky

This weekend is the week before our eldest starts her GCSE . His parents are visiting for the weekend and staying over in a hotel . They can be hard work but I've agreed on condition I and eldest are not expected to spend the whole weekend with because of upcoming exams / study time . I also changed my plans to go out so we could go for an evening meal all together .

Dd got into some trouble st school , a stupid decision to take a photo of a friend who was goofing about after PE
has led to an exclusion . She is really upset and I am too because she's had a v difficult secondary experience with friends and is now doing great . School are v supportive but have to impose sanctions .

So back to the weekend my husband planned to go back with his parents Sunday evening and meet up with other family on Monday . Because of exams and so he can see his parents have some time I'm staying home with children Sunday evening / bank holiday Monday .

The letter to reintroduce Dd back to school came yesterday , meeting is at 8:15 on Tuesday after bank holiday . She won't be allowed back in school until meeting . School have given least serious sanction and want her back in school as it's start of her exams .

Our other Dd is 9 , her school opens at 8:30 . I can't be doing reintegration meeting at 8:15 and get other Dd to school .

So I've asked him to change his plans and come home on Monday night or early Tuesday to take youngest to school . He says no .

Opinions please

OP posts:
Original poster
tiedinnotts · 05/05/2024 16:18

@Michelle12A

It's the younger one who needs to be at school at 8:40 while older has meeting at 8:15 . I take her in car and have no help to ask

He planned this weekend with no expectation of having to be around for reintroduction meeting .

OP posts:
Otherstories2002 · 05/05/2024 16:34

HcbSS · 05/05/2024 12:10

A lot of skewed priorities here.
GCSE time is a time for kids to be in school, not at home. Sounds like your DD had an error of judgement and did something silly rather than dangerous or harmful. Them being heavy handed is helping nobody and may well set her back for her exams with the stress if she is very upset.
any chance your younger child can go to school with a friend? Or breakfast club?
DH is indeed being selfish.

Use of mobile phones in schools is one of the biggest issues school is facing. It’s a safeguarding issue.

JungleJimmy · 05/05/2024 16:47

Glad he's coming home OP, but your DH has shown his inner thoughts here; parenting is something that you HAVE to do and he gets to opt in and out of. If he's turning up to "do parenting", he sees it as doing you a favour, rather than his responsibility.

I think you need to have a bigger discussion with him and explain how good he's got it. I imagine you do the bulk of the heavy lifting parenting-wise (& possibly housework wise)?

Does he treat you like a servant in other areas of your life, or just when it comes to childcare?

Stompythedinosaur · 05/05/2024 16:48

Of course he should change his plans in this situation!

Dartwarbler · 05/05/2024 16:50

Why is everyone telling the OP, that in order to try to get school to rearrange thst OP is one that needs to call school

lastvitke I had kids at school letters came addressed to BOTH parents

If meeting time doesn’t work due to the dh issues. HE , not OP, needs to ring school . HE needs to tell them, we have 2 children and other one needs to be taken by my wife at same time. But I’m on holiday and can’t be arsed to return in time to get my own daughter back in school quickly.”

HE can face the consequences of that form the school, and th3 consequences form his daughter knowing he is a self absorbed twat who won’t change plans when there’s something she needs form him.

OP, STOP. stop being the one who runs around to pick up this mess.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 05/05/2024 16:53

Tagyoureit · 05/05/2024 08:33

Where is your husband staying on Monday night? Why does seeing family mean he has to stay away? Isn't he back to work Tuesday morning? Where is dd9 in all this? You said you and your eldest are at home? So why does dh get child free time and then get to skip out of parent duties on Tuesday as well?

Seems pretty shitty to me.

Personally, I'd phone the school early tomorrow and tell them you can come in after drop off. As PP said, it's ridiculous to set a meeting so early with no way for you to confirm you can make it.

Seeing my family is a 4 hour drive. So it wouldn't be unreasonable for me to drive up there, spend a night or two and then drive back. So him staying away isn't the unreasonable bit.

Refusing to cut it short by a few hours to be responsible for his own children, however, is very unreasonable. My DH would get short shift for this. As I would expect from him.

Bournetilly · 05/05/2024 16:59

Sorry but you sound quite controlling saying you were good for letting him go and see his family on a bank holiday / letting him see his family before exams.

I do agree that he should come back to help as it’s very important for his daughter’s education, glad he is now doing this.

Michelle12A · 05/05/2024 17:07

tiedinnotts · 05/05/2024 16:18

@Michelle12A

It's the younger one who needs to be at school at 8:40 while older has meeting at 8:15 . I take her in car and have no help to ask

He planned this weekend with no expectation of having to be around for reintroduction meeting .

oh sorry

Engaea · 05/05/2024 17:07

He shouldn't have needed you to lay it out for him but it's good that he has changed his mind.

My husband is the father of our two children , works hard , generally good and involved when home , definitely not the worst so I know I'm lucky

No, you're not lucky to get the bare acceptable minimum of a more or less equal partnership.

diddl · 05/05/2024 17:16

He planned this weekend with no expectation of having to be around for reintroduction meeting .

Why?

Tbh this is something that we would both go to if possible.

OnigiriJones · 05/05/2024 17:27

Civilservant · 05/05/2024 08:30

DH is U but in your shoes if he refuses to help I’d ask another parent to take DC2 to school with their DC or take DC2 to sit outside DC1’s meeting then drop DC2 off at school late. I wouldn’t change the meeting about DC1.

i also wouldn’t ask DC1 to spent any time at all with the visiting GPs on the weekend before gcses start!

Edited

Absolutely. She needs that fine to revise and get into the “zone”. Not a time to be socialising at all.

Getonwitit · 05/05/2024 19:25

Your Husband is a twunt. DD2 will just have to be late into school.

Original poster
tiedinnotts · 05/05/2024 19:29

@Bournetilly *

Sorry but you sound quite controlling saying you were good for letting him go and see his family on a bank holiday / letting him see his family before exams.*

Because I asked him to rearrange the date so we could relax , he didn't so I told him not to expect Dd to socialise with his parents 5 days before GCSE and suggested he went to see them instead . They came anyway and he's gone back with them . How is that controlling?

OP posts:
Bournetilly · 05/05/2024 19:45

tiedinnotts · 05/05/2024 19:29

@Bournetilly *

Sorry but you sound quite controlling saying you were good for letting him go and see his family on a bank holiday / letting him see his family before exams.*

Because I asked him to rearrange the date so we could relax , he didn't so I told him not to expect Dd to socialise with his parents 5 days before GCSE and suggested he went to see them instead . They came anyway and he's gone back with them . How is that controlling?

’Tbh I thought I was being more than fair agreeing to him disappearing on bank holiday . But as its revision Im happy to do a quiet one .’

This sounds controlling to me. You have to agree for him to see his family and think you’ve been good in allowing him to do so, he’s hardly disappearing. I don’t see what difference it makes being a bank holiday? If your DD wasn’t revising would you not of allowed him to go?

Also I really don’t understand why your DD couldn’t spend the day with her grandparents just because it’s 5 days before her GCSEs.

NeedToChangeName · 05/05/2024 19:59

Michelle12A · 05/05/2024 15:07

It’s just one evening

and to be fair to him, you don’t really plan your kids getting excluded when spending time with family.

Show quote history

@Michelle12A I wouldn't have planned to be away from home when my child was preparing for GCSE

And, I would have cancelled plans to visit family if that child was excluded

Toooldforthis36 · 05/05/2024 19:59

Can’t youngest get dropped off with a friend early am to get a lift to school with them?

Hedgehog23 · 05/05/2024 19:59

could you drop the youngest with any school friends? Otherwise I think you will need to take her.

bubblesforbreakfast · 05/05/2024 20:08

OP, you sound like hard work. Your DH had planned to be away. All of a sudden a 15 minute scheduling conflict and he has to completely change his plans? It won't hurt your younger daughter to come with the older one. Your in laws are likely feeling a little out out for making them stay in a hotel/ change their plans for the weekend - surely a "sorry DD will be staying in her room to revise while we all go out" would have worked? And now you're changing your DH plans when he's back home there?

Adhdparent123 · 05/05/2024 20:16

Sounds like you are sorted now but just to be reiterate what a few others have posted the school absolutely cannot refuse readmittance because a parent does not attend the meeting/needs to rearrange the meeting. Nor can they keep a child in isolation until a parent agrees to come in. Regardless of what the school may said this is very clear in the statutory guidance.

Mnetcurious · 05/05/2024 20:45

Bournetilly · 05/05/2024 19:45

’Tbh I thought I was being more than fair agreeing to him disappearing on bank holiday . But as its revision Im happy to do a quiet one .’

This sounds controlling to me. You have to agree for him to see his family and think you’ve been good in allowing him to do so, he’s hardly disappearing. I don’t see what difference it makes being a bank holiday? If your DD wasn’t revising would you not of allowed him to go?

Also I really don’t understand why your DD couldn’t spend the day with her grandparents just because it’s 5 days before her GCSEs.

Show quote history

“I really don’t understand why your DD couldn’t spend the day with her grandparents just because it’s 5 days before her GCSEs”
Er, because she needs to revise rather than hang out with her grandparents?! I’m guessing you don’t have a child starting exams this week, or you don’t care enough about revision.

Bournetilly · 05/05/2024 22:08

Mnetcurious · 05/05/2024 20:45

“I really don’t understand why your DD couldn’t spend the day with her grandparents just because it’s 5 days before her GCSEs”
Er, because she needs to revise rather than hang out with her grandparents?! I’m guessing you don’t have a child starting exams this week, or you don’t care enough about revision.

Edited
Show quote history

Do you really think her seeing her grandparents for a few hours on one day would make a difference to her overall result? 5 days of non stop revision is not going to be good for her, she will need a break. She could still revise before/ after anyway.

Mnetcurious · 05/05/2024 22:49

Bournetilly · 05/05/2024 22:08

Do you really think her seeing her grandparents for a few hours on one day would make a difference to her overall result? 5 days of non stop revision is not going to be good for her, she will need a break. She could still revise before/ after anyway.

Show quote history

You said “spend the day with her grandparents“ - , yes that is unnecessarily missing out on a lot of revision time so close to exams. Willing to bet any teacher would tell you so. Small regular breaks are needed, not huge chunks of time at this point.

keeponandonandon · 06/05/2024 04:59

I am glad he's coming back and there's lots of comments about him not taking responsibility etc. but I'm shocked about how little attention there has been around you agreeing to see his parents, you agreeing for him to go and visit his family. If a man was on here saying this about him agreeing for his wife to visit her family or see her parents, he would get the wrath of mumsnet!

You sound controlling OP!

Bluebellsanddaffodil · 06/05/2024 05:08

I would take youngest daughter with FB you to the meeting and drop her after. She can be late for a day. I wouldn't ask him to change his plans with this short notice. It doesn't seem fair on his parents.

PieFaces · 06/05/2024 05:31

In your shoes I’d have gone to the meeting, then taken the youngest to school afterwards and not worried about her being late. The 9 year old could easily sit in the car in the school carpark with a book. Or sit in school reception with colouring. I probably would have left husband with his big family catch up plans, particularly as I’d also like him to coordinate both kids at times while I have some fun.

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