My husband has plans , I need his help , backstory

[tiedinnotts]

My husband is the father of our two children , works hard , generally good and involved when home , definitely not the worst so I know I'm lucky

This weekend is the week before our eldest starts her GCSE . His parents are visiting for the weekend and staying over in a hotel . They can be hard work but I've agreed on condition I and eldest are not expected to spend the whole weekend with because of upcoming exams / study time . I also changed my plans to go out so we could go for an evening meal all together .

Dd got into some trouble st school , a stupid decision to take a photo of a friend who was goofing about after PE
has led to an exclusion . She is really upset and I am too because she's had a v difficult secondary experience with friends and is now doing great . School are v supportive but have to impose sanctions .

So back to the weekend my husband planned to go back with his parents Sunday evening and meet up with other family on Monday . Because of exams and so he can see his parents have some time I'm staying home with children Sunday evening / bank holiday Monday .

The letter to reintroduce Dd back to school came yesterday , meeting is at 8:15 on Tuesday after bank holiday . She won't be allowed back in school until meeting . School have given least serious sanction and want her back in school as it's start of her exams .

Our other Dd is 9 , her school opens at 8:30 . I can't be doing reintegration meeting at 8:15 and get other Dd to school .

So I've asked him to change his plans and come home on Monday night or early Tuesday to take youngest to school . He says no .

Opinions please

Well he's a dick but the obvious answer is to call the school when they open on Tuesday and tell them you'll be late for the meeting.

You haven’t shared his reasons for saying no.

And surely there are other options for the 9 year old - call in favour e.g. drop off at friends house early, breakfast club or being late for school?

I would be on time for the meeting. Senior leadership, year heads etc are very busy, don't put them out.

It’s a bit shit really that when everything’s going on with his child he decides that one more night away is more important but some men are just a big shit when it comes to putting their kids first.

Wow so many replies and suggestions
I'll try to reply to all

School : meeting time is to get eldest back into school . It can't be changed.
The incident was Wednesdays, exclusion Thursday and Friday . Bank holiday on Monday so Tuesday is first day open .

Youngest daughter : she is 9 . I don't know any childminders and most of mothers I know have children in breakfast club . You have to pre book this not just turn up . I have asked but nobody can due to them working / not taking their own children . I have tried .

Husband : he is acting entitled . I have agreed to his parents visiting weekend before exams , I've agreed to him going back to his home town on bank holiday.
This morning he said it was because he didn't want to drive home after going out Monday . He's seeing friends Sunday night . And meeting a cousin Monday night . He's contacted his cousin to bring the meal out on Monday from evening to afternoon.
He's coming home Monday evening or early Tuesday .
But why does it have to be so hard !!!!

@crumblingschools Well maybe dad should take more interest in the meeting... I don't know as I haven't been. My experience of meetings like this is that they are are a formality, and not hugely informative or useful. But, the OP is not saying: 'we have a very significant meeting at school about my dd and my husband should be at this meeting with me and is refusing because of something insignificant'. I would agree that he should cancel plans for that. I just don't think dropping a 9 year old exactly on time for one day (which is what the OP wants the husband to do) is worth cancelling a family visit for.

School can't refuse your child entry to school because you can't (or even wont) attend a reintegration meeting. I suggest you look up the gov exclusion statutory guidance

But he's being a dick.

Sorry OP- I cross posted with you, and having read your update, I agree in this situation, he should cancel his plan in order to support you.

Take your youngest to the meeting - she can wait outside the room. It really isn’t that big of a deal for her to be late occasionally.

He may not 'want' to have to change his plans, but that's part of life, sometimes. You're not asking on a whim! You may be able to find a way around this (letting your younger daughter go to school a bit later), but I'd resent his lack of willingness to cooperate and assistance in finding a solution. You're partners in parenting, and it sounds like he's forgotten that, this time

Update

He is v stubborn and sometimes an entitled twat but he has changed his plans

Driving instead of train so he can drive back Monday night . Meal on Monday in afternoon instead of evening . He's changed timings so he can be back in time

His parents / home town are two hours away.

Thank you for all your replies

'She is really upset and I am too because she's had a v difficult secondary experience with friends and is now doing great .'

I feel we need more context about this and DH's behaviour during it. Has he been generally supportive of you and her? Has her behaviour at home been targeted at him in any way? Does he think him coming back might actually throw her off at all - may be clutching at straws but sometimes teenagers react more emotionally with one parent than another.

Why did he just say no then? That's ridiculous

I’d say ok, dd2 is going with you. It’s her family too. Dd1 and I won’t be seeing your family as I’ve had quite enough of you and I’ll tell them that, and she shouldn’t have to put in time with them when their child, her own dad, can’t be arsed to support her. This whole supporting each other goes both ways and you’ve lost mine.

I see he’s changed plans. Does he never usually have to inconvenience himself for his children, do you usually take all of that on?

His children should be his priority

YANBU.

I have read your update and am glad he has changed his plans but what a twat your "D"H is. He was prioritising his social life over his DC's education. I also think it's really bad form for him organising a visit from his parents the weekend before GSCEs when your DC needs to study as it sounds like them coming this weekend is not the best idea.

You need to prioritise the older child. Take younger with you and drop younger off late. Forget about husband- he's a waste of space.

Driving intead of taking a train can be a huge pain. I understand why he didn't want to do it, but changed his mind.

@friskybivalves

The tricky secondary has been about friendships . He has been supportive to her , talking to her , taking her out .
She cares about letting us both down but especially him. I'm more let's try to solve it , he's more "just behave" ( I agree with this too ) so if he shows disappointment it really hits her .

He agrees it was a knee jerk reaction when he said he wasn't going to change plans . But he has and he's going to be home in time to support youngest to school while I support oldest . He does usually attend meetings when he can otherwise I'm fine going on my own and giving his pov over , sharing actions after .

I think he also felt ashamed that I called him out in front of his parents . Never done that before .

This

he shouldn’t have become a parent if he’s this inflexible. Kids come first

Take the youngest with you to the meeting and take her in later to school saying it was a one off family issue (which it is). She can sit in the meeting watching something with headphones.

Surely the younger DD has a pal that you could drop her to in the morning and they could go together to school? I'd certainly help out a friend of my DC in similar circumstances

He says no ??? Wow .
He is a parent first and foremost .There is no choice here tbh he should just stay home all together .