My husband has plans , I need his help , backstory

[tiedinnotts]

My husband is the father of our two children , works hard , generally good and involved when home , definitely not the worst so I know I'm lucky

This weekend is the week before our eldest starts her GCSE . His parents are visiting for the weekend and staying over in a hotel . They can be hard work but I've agreed on condition I and eldest are not expected to spend the whole weekend with because of upcoming exams / study time . I also changed my plans to go out so we could go for an evening meal all together .

Dd got into some trouble st school , a stupid decision to take a photo of a friend who was goofing about after PE
has led to an exclusion . She is really upset and I am too because she's had a v difficult secondary experience with friends and is now doing great . School are v supportive but have to impose sanctions .

So back to the weekend my husband planned to go back with his parents Sunday evening and meet up with other family on Monday . Because of exams and so he can see his parents have some time I'm staying home with children Sunday evening / bank holiday Monday .

The letter to reintroduce Dd back to school came yesterday , meeting is at 8:15 on Tuesday after bank holiday . She won't be allowed back in school until meeting . School have given least serious sanction and want her back in school as it's start of her exams .

Our other Dd is 9 , her school opens at 8:30 . I can't be doing reintegration meeting at 8:15 and get other Dd to school .

So I've asked him to change his plans and come home on Monday night or early Tuesday to take youngest to school . He says no .

Opinions please

There’s not exactly time for the OP to arrange breakfast clubs or move the school appointment when it’s a bank holiday on Monday. There won’t be anyone available to speak to until the Tuesday morning and that’s too late.

OP I would just take the 9 year old to the appointment, the secondary school won’t mind and her being late for one morning isn’t a big deal, reintegration appointments also don’t take long, especially not for a year 11 student who is due to leave soon. Unless there’s anyone else local (family, parent of another student) that you can ask.

For the sake of 15 min I would not be disrupting plans. Ring younger child's school at 8am and inform she will be slightly late, unless you have like someone else suggested a breakfast club option.

“definitely not the worst so I know I'm lucky” MN never ceases to amaze me with the low bar posters have for men.
Your husband is being unreasonable not to come home early - they’re his children too and you can’t be in two places at once. If he still refuses then that’s an issue to deal with in your relationship but in practical terms you can either 1) find a friend/someone else who could drop your youngest to school on this occasion
2)take youngest with you to appointment and drop her to school late
3)rearrange appointment with eldest’s school - it is very short notice

I would sort out a breakfast club, friend, neighbour or family member to drop DD2; at a quick count there are roughly 30 people I can think of easily asking to take my kid for just 30 minutes as a one off. Starting with the breakfast club, then childminder over the road, then the neighbour whose kid we have taken in several emergencies or the ones who we helped for a bunch of other tasks, then the 3 closest friend houses, our cleaner, class friends a few minutes walk away, one of 3 teenagers who offer babysitting... I appreciate we live very near a school with small catchment area though, it probably gets harder if you're out in the sticks somewhere.

Otherwise I would tell DD1 school that you have another child to drop off so cannot make it until 8.45. I wouldn't have asked DH to come back, but if I asked him then I would be baffled if he said no. Unless it was because he was suggesting other options. What did he actually say?

Either ask another parent to have youngest that morning, or take her with you, have her sit somewhere with a book and drop her off late.

He might not be the worst, but I simply cannot imagine my husband simply refusing to get involved in this situation. You aren't asking him to "help" you, this is about basic parenting of his children and it's not your problem to solve alone because they are his children just as much as yours.

I would go absolutely mental at him. Actually, I'd wonder if my husband had been abducted by aliens because it would be so far from his normal attitude. I'm honestly staggered that some men behave like this.

Have you asked him what his solution is? I would make this his problem.

If my husband made me cancel a trip to see family just because he couldn't either reschedule the school meeting or drop one child at school late, I would be furious. YABU

DH needs to get back. If he doesn’t, then you have to prioritise the high school meeting, taking younger child with you if she can’t go to a breakfast club or be dropped off with a friend.

My PIL asked us to go over this weekend - our DS starts GCSEs on Thursday as well. DH raised the invite with me and got a blunt response back- he seemed to have totally forgotten about exams as evidently had PIL.

I would WANT to be back to share the parenting because this is a stressful time and I wouldn’t prioritise other stuff over home life in such a situation.

Seriously? The children are also his responsibility and should take priority over everything else. He wasn't asked to cancel, but come back earlier to accommodate his children's needs!

Your youngest can be a bit late. It’s no big deal.

He said no. To helping with his own children. What is his reason?

I'd ask a friend to drop the younger DD off.

Presumably because he's away!

Your responsibilities as a parent don't stop just because you're away.

Everyone's priority is getting the meeting done & your DD back in school - I'd imagine that's why they've sent a letter for that meeting at that time, to get her back in classes ASAP.

But your DH has chosen to prioritise other parts of his family. Unless there's a massive drip feed, like a very ill parent or they're normally in another country, I find this odd.

Honestly, I cant imagine a scenario where my DH goes off for a couple of days while the DD school situation is kicking off. He just wouldn't & GP wouldn't expect it either.

Practical solutions have already been laid out here - wrap around, friend or just take her 30 mins later. It's not impossible - needing help to facilitate the school run would be least of my concerns here.

Yes , I'd do this, I often have to do this when my husband works away.

Doesn't take away from the fact that your DH is a dick though!

Can't DD2 wait in the car during the meeting and then be a bit late to school?

It's annoying that DH is being unhelpful but I'm sure there are other solutions to this. How often does he see his parents?

I don't know plans he has made with his family.

Yes, it would be nice if he came back on Monday evening and I would be annoyed and I would tell him that unless there is any specific reason why he can't come home, then he ought to, because parenting isn't a one way street, and next time one of them is off sick etc., then it's down to him to deal with.

But if he isn't, then either arrange to drop younger child at a friend's house on the way to your older child's school. Or take younger one with you and drop her into school a bit late. Leave a message on the absence line to say she will be a bit late in on Tuesday.

The OP asked for opinions not suggestions about logistics. I expect most people can work out how to get their kids to school; her husband's behaviour is the issue

For those commenting on the timing of the letter from school, that is how suspensions work. Letter sent out as soon as school suspends a child and reintegration meeting before child goes back into school. But school can’t keep child off school longer than the agreed period of time of suspension.

Just made more tricky because of the bank holiday. Easier if suspension and reintegration is in the same week as easier to communicate with school.

I have known reintegration meetings happen after child is back in school when parents can’t manage the original time scheduled. Not ideal but it does happen.

You could try emailing school, someone may pick up the message.

But if you could get friend to help with younger child that would probably be best

@Maray1967 @SaltedCaramelIcedLatte

Depending on the distance, if he comes back Monday night, it might not be worth going.

Also, is it really that stressful? Yes, DD was upset, but it all sounds rather low - key.

Don't be daft, of course logistics are relevant here. If OP had to be away overnight then options get severally limited and it's massively unreasonable for the other parent not to drop everything to step up. When there are a raft of other options, then there's no reason for him to cancel existing plans with his family.

Canceling things in order to be a parent needs to be in proportion to the occasion. So, for example, I wouldn't cancel a planned trip abroad to see a dying friend in order to take my 10 year old to a birthday party, but I would cancel a date pub evening with a group of mum friends because my 10 year old needed to be taken to A and E.

In the OPs position I would not want my husband to cancel a family trip to do one school drop off, because there are plenty of options- late drop off, going with friend, etc. To me, this is the kind of situation that demonstrates to kids that life is full of minor inconveniences and they are not a big deal.

@Greenfinch7 it would be good if dad’s took more interest in reintegration meetings etc.