Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

[Richparentpoorchild]

I’d be very interested to hear what people make of this. My Mum is worth a few million quid. My husband and I, and our children are on the breadline and have been for at least 15 years.

We have no extra money for treats or holidays or anything nice. At Christmas, I sell things on eBay to make some money, so that I can buy family members Christmas presents. We never put the heating on because we just can’t afford it.

My Mum on the other hand, has several luxury holidays a year, always flying business class. She lives in a huge mansion and wants for nothing. I think at the last count she had eight properties. Some of these were gifted to her, from her rich parents.

I know that I don’t need to ask this really, because I know that it’s weird that she doesn’t offer any help to me, but what does everybody make of this?

I am now 56 years old, and she is almost 80. She is fighting fit healthwise and all of the women in the family live until about 100 years old, so whilst I will inherit, I will most likely be in my 70s at that time, which is not really when I’m going to need the money .

If it was you, in her position, do you think you would do something now to help me? I am on the bones of my arse.

we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half.

She has a boyfriend who she treats a lot,

No, there are no lavish presents for Christmas or birthdays. I think she spends about £25.

I know Mum isn't duty bound to give me anything and that's why I'd never ask.

Why would you not ask though?

Surely at 16 a gift of £500/£1k for a deposit to rent would have been huge for you.

Of course it’s her money but most parents who aren’t millionaires would try and help out, let alone ones who could easily afford it.

You say there’s no back story but there must be because else you would have asked.

Why did you move out at 16 if you were living in a big house with all of your bills paid?

This is beyond me, I couldn't see a close family member struggle while I had more than I needed, I wouldn't be able to enjoy it.

Ah thanks for explaining all of that. Was there never any question of you working in the family business? Anyway, it sounds like you're better off doing the role you love, and a family with more than four children (it sounds like you had more than one after you met your DH, added to his 4) is bound to be strapped for cash unless they're very lucky. With a different mother, you could've been in that lucky position but it sounds like she's never been generous with her wealth so it's the same as if there was no family wealth, which is at least clear and you've been given no cause to bank on it or believe that there'll be any windfall coming. It's good that you have (what's implied to be) a happy marriage with kids and work that you love. The millions and the properties and the holidays might be great but if you can at all see if that you've done much better in life and humanity than she has, then you should. It's a certain kind of happiness to be swanning around fancy holidays with your boyfriend at that stage in life, but not supporting your daughter from 16 on and not even treating her to a meal now and again is not a sign of a great human. Yet she's made a DD who cares for a living and loves it. I think you win.

That is so cruel op :(
She sounds sadistic.

Maybe she thinks you are financially ok? I do find it weird that it hasn’t crossed her mind to help your family out given she received help herself .
the lunches thing I’m not sure about - when I go with my dad I always pay for him. It’s small anyway in the scheme of things, the real issue is she could help you out in more substantial ways, but isn’t

I can’t imagine, ever going to lunch with my adult sons and expecting them to pay for their meal. I regularly take their girlfriends out for lunch and I would never expect them to pay either, they often offer but I wouldn’t dream of accepting it.

@MILLYmo0se , no of course I wouldn’t see them suffer. When my dad was writing his will I asked him to share what he wanted to leave me with my boys and they each received £200 K. Our younger son currently owes us about £60K on an interest free loan, we just think it does not really help our children, who are now men, to make them dependent. I certainly don’t subscribe to the thinking of many of the super rich who don’t intend to leave their children any inheritance, our son’s retirements once we’re gone will be comfortable. We have frequently been out for meals and paid for everyone and are trying to find a suitable holiday to take everyone on. If we won the lottery I would delight in sharing that with them. The money we have invested gives us a comfortable income but importantly will enable us to pay for any care we may need as we get older. I spent many years caring for my own parents and it changes your relationship as well as being a thief of your life, we don’t want that for our sons.

That's actually awful. If you love your kids of course you help them out. No way would I watch my kids struggle.
They would have to work and stand on their own 2 feet but would help with a house etc

Was she a good mum when you here a child ? She seems so disconnected ? How is she with your children ?
I am sorry , seems awful . She could have at least let you have your Dads part of the money when he passed away if she is so attached to her own money .

I'd say that was the very definition of "came from money". Rich parents, rich grandparents. That's literally exactly what it means.

OPs mother has likely been well-off all her life, as she herself had wealthy parents.

If OPs mother had had a major lottery will in the last decade or so, that would be different. But it sounds like she's had a comfortable life of plenty, and as she nears her later years, why isn't she interested in sharing it now?

My question to OP merely asked about the cause of of their own financial problems, and what reason might the mother have for not sharing?

Yes, this is very odd, it's just not what usually happens in wealthy families. Wealthy parents will usually do everything they can to ensure their children end up in the same position. Why did you get no money from her after you turned 16? That's very young, still a child, it would be different if you were 26. I'm very surprised there isn't some backstory, like OPs mum was actually neglectful, or there was some kind of falling out. Did she disagree with your career choices?

What's stopping you asking her for help? Because something clearly is.

is she generous with her grandchildren?

OP, if your dad died without leaving a will, did you check whether you were entitled to something from his estate under the intestacy rules? Assuming you are in England, attaching a link to Citizens Advice about this.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/death-and-wills/who-can-inherit-if-there-is-no-will-the-rules-of-intestacy/#:~:text=Children%20%2D%20if%20there%20is%20no,be%20divided%20equally%20between%20them.

She sounds quite mean-spirited and I couldn’t watch my child struggle in such circumstances.

Was she disapproving of you marrying a man with 4 children and punishing you for that? It’s a mindset seen here that wealth is not to be shared for the benefit of other people’s children.

You're a better person than me overall, as I couldn’t be spending my time and money maintaining a relationship with such a stingy parent. Her behaviour is just uncalled for.

It sounds like you don't have a great relationship @Richparentpoorchild.
That said, maybe she feels that it's up to you to get yourself off the breadline instead of expecting a 'hand-out'? Whether that's not actually easy to do, or whether she is right or wrong in her thinking, that's perhaps the reality of it.
Money causes such division and folk can use it as a power tool, personally I'd rather be poor than manipulated!

Are you sure she’s as wealthy as you say? Because on the one hand it sounds like she is. Ie. 8 houses.

On the other hand you say she’s worth a couple of million - which most boomers+ are in the south if you bought c. 1990. The equivalent in house value being about 300k is usually worth around 1-2 million now ; whilst wages haven’t actually moved that much.

Doesn’t make them cash rich by any means. But extremely asset wealthy.

If your dad died without a will and assuming they are in the UK then your mum does not necessarily inherit everything.
Search rule of intestacy.

Your dads portion of property for example ( after certain caveats etc ) is shared between your mum and your dads children.

oops just spotted post above saying the same 😄

Baffled as to why you are on bones of your ass.
please explain why u are so broke.
you mum could live 20+ more years, needs to look after herself.

Exactly!!

This is what I want to know because anyone else would have asked.

They also would have stayed in their nice big house and saved for a deposit, instead of moving out as soon as they could and being skint.

There’s obviously a back story here.

Maybe if you've never asked OP, she thinks you want to fend for yourself. Even though she can see you are struggling compared to her, some people are too proud to accept help and maybe she thinks that is you.
Sit her down and tell her you are struggling, and ask if she could help out, then see what she says.

Is it worth asking, OP? Or would that open a can of worms?

It's possible that, having lived a privileged life herself, she fondly imagines that you enjoy your quaint little lifestyle, like Marie Antoinette and the peasants.

Could you have a little chat with her and explain what a struggle it is, what that actually feels like, what a difference she could make at the wave of a wand? With no expectations for the outcome, but just simply sharing that information so that she is at least aware of your position?

DH is no longer paying child support, as children are now all 18+

Where’s that money going then? If you can’t afford a takeaway or any treat once in a while, what is he spending the money that used to be going for child support of 4 children on?

Many of the world's largest companies are owned and operated by families. Some cultures view the family as a vital support network and keep their wealth within the family. However, in the UK, independence is highly promoted, and people are expected to rely on themselves from birth until death. This approach may be seen as selfish and miserly.

Sadly, families can be broken and fragmented, and economic growth is not as prolific as it once was. Many people are struggling financially despite working hard. Some individuals from the older generation may dismiss this as laziness, but I find such an attitude distasteful.