Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

[Richparentpoorchild]

I’d be very interested to hear what people make of this. My Mum is worth a few million quid. My husband and I, and our children are on the breadline and have been for at least 15 years.

We have no extra money for treats or holidays or anything nice. At Christmas, I sell things on eBay to make some money, so that I can buy family members Christmas presents. We never put the heating on because we just can’t afford it.

My Mum on the other hand, has several luxury holidays a year, always flying business class. She lives in a huge mansion and wants for nothing. I think at the last count she had eight properties. Some of these were gifted to her, from her rich parents.

I know that I don’t need to ask this really, because I know that it’s weird that she doesn’t offer any help to me, but what does everybody make of this?

I am now 56 years old, and she is almost 80. She is fighting fit healthwise and all of the women in the family live until about 100 years old, so whilst I will inherit, I will most likely be in my 70s at that time, which is not really when I’m going to need the money .

If it was you, in her position, do you think you would do something now to help me? I am on the bones of my arse.

we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half.

She has a boyfriend who she treats a lot,

I'm sorry @Richparentpoorchild..you don't have much of a mum there. You sounds decent and you deserve better. Its not even the money, its the lack of thought for you. That's what would hurt me.

Hopefully what she has taught you is how not to be a mum. Don't make your kids feel the way she has made you feel.

Unreasonable - it's her money not yours. A view put forward by my now-late mother, years ago.

Reasonable - 'we're all in this together'. A view put forward by my dd, recently, when helping me out.

Do you have biological children if your own?

The way you’ve made it sound is as if your Mum is watching her own grandchildren go without, but from your update it sounds like you want her to contribute so that your low paid husband who has four children gets an easier time in life. I’m not sure, just trying to work out the situation.

Were you brought up in the ‘huge mansion’ where your mother now lives? Did you have a privileged upbringing?

@Richparentpoorchild As far as I am concerned, it’s fucking unnatural of your mother not to help you out with money. As a parent, my feeling is that’s what money is for: to make sure your kids are good and have what they need.

I wonder whether your mother feels that it's not her responsibility to help you out if you've chosen to spend your entire working life earning the minimum wage and not pushing yourself, looking for training or promotions and working yourself into a more comfortable lifestyle. You say you've managed to get on the property ladder in an expensive area so I'm guessing you've had help there. Perhaps she feels that if you can't be bothered to show a bit of initiative and improve your own life, she doesn't see why she should give everything to you on a plate.

From what you say, you were doing okay until 15 years ago — which is around the time you married your DH. So your decision to marry a man with four dependent children has had a negative financial effect on you. I don't really see why you expect her to bail you out. Anything she gives you will benefit his family and I can imagine in her situation I'd feel a bit pissed off at that idea.

Long and short of it is that you've made your life choices and your mum has made hers. Not sure that complaining about it is a great look.

The mum inherited properties.
It doesn’t say that’s the mums only wealth though or indeed that all her wealth is inherited.

Its also worth noting by inherited I assume this is after the previous owners died, not whilst still alive.

Yeah, I think it’s really unkind and actually quite odd of her to be so definite in her stance never to give you a penny especially that she hasn’t supported you since 16 and doesn’t pay for meals.

Do you know what her will actually says? That sounds grabby on your behalf but just thinking that it sounds like she gets something out of denying you any funds at all. If that’s the case would she want to continue that by leaving it all to the cats home or the boyfriend?

How was your relationship growing up and where is your father in this? Do you have siblings?

Just ask for some money. You have nothing to lose.
When she asks to meet for lunch, say you can’t afford.

She sounds mean; with money and of spirit. My children come first and nothing gives me greater joy than helping them with money before feathering my own nest.

Is she generous with the kids presents?

Either, she thinks you should work hard for your money and handing over money won’t help you.

Or she’s so wealthy that she doesn’t live in the real world and doesn’t understand how money works and thinks that you choose the lifestyle you live.

I’m wondering why you’ve never asked her for money though?

If my parents were millionaires I wouldn’t think twice about asking for a deposit for a house or car.

Do you think your mum has an issue with you marrying a man with four children? Perhaps she doesn't want to subside them or your husband?

i suspect its more likely that she doesn't wish to subsidise your OH's children(unless i have misunderstood your family situation) ....if she was watching her own grandchildren struggle then it may be a different matter and a YANBU situation.

I think you should celebrate this! You are independent and you own no one anything. I think the most important thing is that you have your own family, love is so important. The worst devil of all is the one who makes us look at others and "envy" them. You write that "She has a boyfriend who she treats a lot". You know who is going to get any inheritance, don't you?

My advice: cut her out of your life, just drop contact bit by bit. It will be so much better for your mental health. Exchange cards at Christmas and no more. You never know, sometimes when you "ease up" and "relax", washing your hands of something, that is when nice changes come into your life...

It’s not how I would treat my children but it sounds like she has been like this since you were a child so I guess it was never going to change. She sounds like the tough love kind of parent. She probably expected you to work harder/differently if you wanted more wealth and since you have remained in a minimum wage job your whole career despite not having had a career break to bring up kids I guess she thinks you are content.

How is her relationship with your DH and his kids? It could also be that she is looking at it choosing to be a family of 6 and she’s only related to 1/6 and she doesn’t want her money to benefit the other 5/6. Still not a great attitude to have and doesn’t explain why she won’t even treat you to lunch.

yanbu OP. Maybe she’s got a weird attitude about adult children should be completely financially independent, even so, family is family, if it was me, I would not or could not imagine not offering help to dc in your situation. I would say I’d be a very bad mother if that happened. She should consider herself judged as a bad mother from this MN (not that she would care).

ETA if I had a few million I’d rather gift it away to dc now and save the IHT.

Strange. Was your mum educated? Did she ever have a career, make her own money?
It's very unusual for a child who comes from wealth to stop their education at 16 and start working ......

Were you banking on handouts? Otherwise why would you have taken a minimum wage job? Do you have any mental health issues? Or anything else that limits you?

Something just doesn't add .....

i would never behave towards my children like your mum. It’s sad she hasn’t chosen to help you in life .
Can I ask was she always like this ? Did you have a good upbringing? Did something happen that made you be cut off any help ?

She sounds like a right Scroogella. If I had that level of wealth, there's no way I would sit back and watch my child scrape and suffer.
A few questions:
Was she loving and generous while you were growing up, before you turned 16? Did she pay for any further education? Where is your father?
Do you have any biological children or are you step-mum to your husband's four?
You say she inherited properties from rich parents. How did her parents treat her growing up?
Is your mum generous to you on special occasions such as Christmas an birthdays?

DH is no longer paying child support, as children are now all 18+

Yes, I grew up in a nice big home. But once I left, I only had my wage. Had to rent for many years until I saved up for a deposit to buy. I bought a tiny flat, but at least it got me onto the property ladder.

Yes, me and DH have children together, they are only just in High School, so a good few years yet of having dependants.

Mum was given properties and a business by her parents when they were alive, and then inherited when they died. Gran and Grandad did not leave anything to grandchildren, so I did not receive anything.

I know Mum isn't duty bound to give me anything and that's why I'd never ask. It just perplexes me though, as I am a mum myself, I know I wouldn't see my DD's in the position I'm in.

Dad has passed away and anything he had went to Mum, I don't think he even had a will.

Someone asked if we went to private school - no, and I did not go to Uni.

I am in a caring profession. I love it.

Ugghh she sounds horrible, I would stop going out for lunch with her, say you can't afford it.

I could never, ever let my kids live in a bad house if I had 8. What is the point of all that money if you don't make your kids' lives easier?

Some people are just pathologically selfish and I think their wealth gives them a feeling of lording it over others that they enjoy.

She honestly sounds like a selfish cow, don't have lunch with her if you can help it. She's awful.

she sounds very unkind,
do you say to her you cant afford things.
you go for lunch do you say i cant afford this

To the poster above saying "something doesn't add up" - it does, actually. A lot of people are extremely stingy. It's not necessarily how they get rich, often that's just luck and family money, but they count every penny and look for opportunities to get or keep that little bit more for themselves. It's a gross quality and I really try and watch it in myself because it can creep in and then becomes obsessive and quite limiting.

She has no relationship with DH's other kids. They live in a different City, where their mum moved to many years ago.

i agree re the lunches. Stop going. Say you can’t afford it. If she chooses not to meet you rather than pay your half then to be honest I would dramatically reduce contact