Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

[Richparentpoorchild]

I’d be very interested to hear what people make of this. My Mum is worth a few million quid. My husband and I, and our children are on the breadline and have been for at least 15 years.

We have no extra money for treats or holidays or anything nice. At Christmas, I sell things on eBay to make some money, so that I can buy family members Christmas presents. We never put the heating on because we just can’t afford it.

My Mum on the other hand, has several luxury holidays a year, always flying business class. She lives in a huge mansion and wants for nothing. I think at the last count she had eight properties. Some of these were gifted to her, from her rich parents.

I know that I don’t need to ask this really, because I know that it’s weird that she doesn’t offer any help to me, but what does everybody make of this?

I am now 56 years old, and she is almost 80. She is fighting fit healthwise and all of the women in the family live until about 100 years old, so whilst I will inherit, I will most likely be in my 70s at that time, which is not really when I’m going to need the money .

If it was you, in her position, do you think you would do something now to help me? I am on the bones of my arse.

we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half.

She has a boyfriend who she treats a lot,

At the end of the day it's her money to do what she likes with. She has no obligation to share anything with her adult child. It really irks me that adult children think that they are entitled to their parents wealth.

Personally I'd make sure my child was OK, but if they were not a nice person and prone to poor life choices then I'd reconsider what kind of support I would provide, if any.

Sometimes the expectation that an inheritance is due to them and constant financial handouts from the parents makes tha adult child self absorbed and selfish with a lack of resiliance and ability to adequately plan long term to support themselves and their own families. They have the attidute of "well if I blow all this money or loose my job, Bank of mum and dad will sort me out".

so she is not generous.
that is all there is to it op.
you know what sort of relationship you have
if you needed money do you think you could ask for? even for a loan?

have you asked her if she is saving for her grandchildren?

Totally baffling that she wouldn't want to make your life easier, take you on holiday, pay for things for the children etc etc especially as you are a grafter just don't earn much.
I understand why you don't ask though, I would never have asked my parents for money unless I was absolutely desperate. However as you have school aged children and a limited number of years to take them on memorable trips, maybe it's now or never?

Quite, Scrooge!

Nowhere did the OP say she felt entitled to her mother’s money. The mother seems to have inherited her wealth herself anyway.

OP has never had any handouts and is living her own life not reliant on her mother at all but she’s right to think her mother is selfish, greedy, toxic and likely narcissistic.

I can’t think of any normal parent not passing on some of their wealth to enhance their children’s and grandchildren’s lives if they have more than enough for themselves.

Especially if their child has never asked for a bean off them and they can see that their lifestyle is much more lower level than theirs. It’s normal parental instinct to want your DC to have a good life and experience all the joys in the world.

Would you be willing to ask her? Obviously, it's her wealth, but maybe she can make it clear why she doesn't help you.

I wouldn't see my child struggling. My adult niece is currently living with me. She's working towards getting a deposit to buy, and I'm very happy to give her that chance.

My DM is comfortable, not wealthy, and very happy to share this with family as and when. We don't take advantage, she wouldn't allow it. I don't take anything from her, though.

Does she ever invite you to holiday at these multiple other properties?

I'd probably pluck up the courage to ask her for some help and take it from there. If she says no then nothing will have changed but you will know you've at least tried.

I struggle to see her behaviour as anything other than selfish when it is obvious everything she has was handed to her on a plate.

Good luck 👍 OP

You arent making any sense tbh. You've called the OP entitled because she's upset that her parent doesn't help at all financially when she and her children are really struggling. You boasted that your children are independently supporting their own families just by working hard implying the OP is a lazy cow trying to mooch off her poor elderly parent, but it transpires that in reality you arranged things so that your children inherited 200K each and you loaned one another 60K on top! The Ops mother won't even buy her flipping lunch!

You have chosen to work in a minium wage job and haven't retrained to increase your earning potential. You meet your dh later in life and he has 4 children and then you have more together. I suspect she doesn't approve of your lifestyle choices op. I don't understand the expectation of expecting family members to fund adults. A gift is great but shouldn't be expected. I don't see why she should fund your lifestyle you chosen to have more dc when your dh already had a large family with 4.

I think we have the same mother.

Op I really feel for you, I have to say though given the way she is with you now don't be surprised if she leaves the inheritance to the boyfriend or a cat sanctuary.

Op thanks for the updates, I think you really need to ask. I know the prospect of your Mum saying "no" isn't a nice one but I think it's worth the risk. Sometimes people are just oblivious to others' needs.

Some parents are just mean and tight-fisted and have zero idea how others, including their own flesh and blood, struggle in life.

Sadly, my own father is one of these people.

I struggle financially as I work low hours due to health issues, these health issues are wearing me down and I’m stuck on long NHS waiting lists. Going private would help me immensely but unfortunately I have zero funds to pay for it.

My parents (both in their 80’s) live in a house worth around £600k, they have £400k invested and £60k just sitting in a current account, dad also recently happen to stubble on an account he’d totally forgotten about, this has around £10k in. I know this as I help them with everything in their lives including sitting with dad during banks meetings and financially meetings.

They have this wealth mainly down to a large inheritance from my mother’s parents (both my parents are only children).

My mum has Alzheimer and I help care for her. My sister also helps out. We parents are very lucky to have both their dc live around the corner from them. Both my sister and I have ongoing health issues and my father is fully aware of this yet has never once offered to help either of us. He gives us each £400 per year for our ‘help’ and that’s it.

If I ever come into any money (looking very unlikely as mum will most likely need to go into care at some point in the near future), I know for a fact that I will go out of my way to help my two dc. All my small income now goes onto them.

Some parents are just mean and self absorbed and we just have to make peace with that (I am struggling but working towards that).

I don't think the op is asking for her lifestyle to be funded but with her Mum being so enormously wealthy, a little help would be nice. I don't think the op sounds greedy or grabby. Everyone needs a bit of help now and then.

Unless there’s been estrangement for very good reasons, I can’t understand parents failing to help children - if they can.

But she an adult capable of making her own financial choices. She hasn't retrained and got with her dh who had 4 children and struggled for 15 years. It wasn't up to her dm to fund that and gift her money for a property. Many adults don't get money off their parents and have to work for it.

OP, I don't understand why you didn't stay at home for longer and do a degree that would have set you up for a better paid career? That could still have been in a caring profession.

Maybe your mum just thinks you made your own choices and you must be happy with them?

Is it possible your mother thinks you are doing fine? You left school and bought your own place without going to uni. Presumably you have always worked. You have a partner and a family together. I’m sure your partner works too. You’ve set up your own life, why would you need her help?

My parents are really generous but have never given me money since I was eighteen as I lived independently. I was broke at uni and I didn’t buy my own place until my 30s but I had a career. My parents are not wealthy at all but I’m not sure they would have given me money if they were rich simply because I didn’t really need it as I always worked.

You should ask her why she doesn't help you, OP. None of us can answer that question for you.

It's her money, she can do what she likes with it. You're both over 18, adults... your life is your responsibility.

It is in Scotland. One third of the moveable estate goes to children, no matter what's in the will.

I think there is much more to the story. You have made career and life choices that mean you have little money after bills are paid, but those were your choices. You also chose to partner with a man who already had 4 children to provide for.

Perhaps she thinks you could do better. Perhaps she plans to leave you an inheritance for your retirement, and is afraid you will spend it all now if you get it now.

I have a lot of money. I have adult children. If my children never pursued education or training to better themselves and made life choices that meant they would always live on the edge of poverty, I would make provision for their old age, but I wouldn't give them anything now, because I will not fund poor life choices, and not at least trying to live up to one's potential is a very poor life choice.

I understand what you are saying but with the op's mother being so wealthy it seems churlish not to help the op out. They're family. They haven't fallen out.

OP, you’ve said you’d never ask your mum for financial help. I think this might be the issue.

Can you have a very frank discussion with her? Be blunt. Say, we are on the breadline, we are struggling. If you have any inclination to include me in your will, please may I have some inheritance now. Say mum, I love you, and we are desperate. Lay it all out. Leave nothing out. Know that when the lunch is finished you will have left it all on the table (so to speak).

Her response may surprise you, it may not, but you will no longer have to wonder.

I agree. I know financially successful but control freaky and mean people who died and are only remembered negatively 3 years on by their family. One controlled all aspects of family and threatened about inheritance etc. Dead now. All his assets sold, family moved away and not one at his year anniversary mass. Not a single one wanted to spend 40 minutes remembering him 1 year after death. Why be so mean in life.
OP, it's weird but I'm not sure how you change it.

@Richparentpoorchild

I agree totally with @SpaghettiWithaYeti too tops..