Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

[Richparentpoorchild]

I’d be very interested to hear what people make of this. My Mum is worth a few million quid. My husband and I, and our children are on the breadline and have been for at least 15 years.

We have no extra money for treats or holidays or anything nice. At Christmas, I sell things on eBay to make some money, so that I can buy family members Christmas presents. We never put the heating on because we just can’t afford it.

My Mum on the other hand, has several luxury holidays a year, always flying business class. She lives in a huge mansion and wants for nothing. I think at the last count she had eight properties. Some of these were gifted to her, from her rich parents.

I know that I don’t need to ask this really, because I know that it’s weird that she doesn’t offer any help to me, but what does everybody make of this?

I am now 56 years old, and she is almost 80. She is fighting fit healthwise and all of the women in the family live until about 100 years old, so whilst I will inherit, I will most likely be in my 70s at that time, which is not really when I’m going to need the money .

If it was you, in her position, do you think you would do something now to help me? I am on the bones of my arse.

we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half.

She has a boyfriend who she treats a lot,

I'd give my kids my last penny.

Your mother sounds very unpleasant. I'm pretty tight, but most people would help their kids in this situation if they could.

I think I could almost understand if she herself had started the business and done it all herself, but she didn't even do that. She's just taking all the benefit of your grandparents efforts for herself.

The Op talks about the last 16 years - that would be her marriage to a man who already had 4 kids to support and then they decided to have another two (maybe more?) kids, that's a lot of mouths to decide to feed. Did the OP think her mother should finance that decision, did the mother ask how they were going to finance supporting two families? Is that why the mother is not supportive?

Absolutely

Having read your updates, I'd say you're not unreasonable, it just seems very odd. Not sure if you have siblings, if so how are they treated?
Personally I'd just avoid meals out with her, tell her your budget doesn't stretch that far, and if she does make thoughtless comments about spending as much on cocktails as you spend on groceries, I'd gently tell her I find that her telling you quite hurtful, as you're struggling but coping with no help, and she's wasting money that she was gifted (it's not like she's earnt it.)
Take care, and try not to think about it too much xx

There has to be more to this.

YABU if you never verbalise it to her.

If you're too proud to mention it, she probably (quite reasonably I think) believes you'd be too proud to accept it. You might never let your kids go without, but she's a very different generation.

The op's dm got loads of handouts from her own parents including properties. So yes a different generation but the mother has never gone without. She is just selfish and incredibly tight.

I agree with you

Maybe the ops partner having 6 children he can't afford.

Just tell her the situation as it is, that you struggle financially and would really appreciate some help now rather than after she dies. Even allowing for IHT she could still gift you some money, I believe it is £3k per year. Obviously have the discussion in a diplomatic and tactful way, but she may not even realise how much she could help.
And if she refuses at least you need not worry about her care in old age as she will have plenty to fund it with minimal input from you.

That doesn’t explain not treating OP to lunch when it’s just the two of them though… (was thinking the same as you initially)

Maybe the ops partner having 6 children he can't afford

And the mother potentially realising their financial management is not a strong suit. I’m still struggling to figure out how you can be no better off financially when household income no longer has child maintenance coming out for 4 children. Surely, even if it was 1 child and you were paying CM, then you stopped as they turned 18yo yet it made no difference to the extent you couldn’t buy a takeaway meal once in a blue moon? Maybe OP’s mother also thinks things like this are odd, maybe financial management has not been a strength for a long time? Maybe be she doesn’t think any $$ she hands over will be managed properly/make any difference from what she has observed? Maybe that’s not the case at all. Who knows, a bunch of internet randoms aren’t likely to work it out.

It does sound very mean. My family are all richer than me, but they treat me a lot. I also would have a frank conversation with her if I were you about a bit of help.

OP if you father did die without a will under Irish law you would be entitled to a share in his estate. Would you have an interest in checking that?

It could be that your mother doesn’t approve of your life choices. She might feel you could have gotten a better paid job. Also, I know from listening to my mum & her friends that they worry about giving money to children in light of their partners and their partners other children. I know if I married a man who had 4 children my mother would really worry about how financially protected me & my children would be.

But considering she won’t buy you lunch it also possible she is really tight.

Have the conversation OP, don’t let your kids grow up without a few more treats if it’s possible.

This! I had a friend who was very wealthy (nice large house, fancy car and annual long Caribbean holidays) who once moaned to me that she couldnt understand a friend of hers (single mum on benefits) complaining about being hard up as she herself was down to her last £50,000 in her easy access savings account 🙄

If be inclined to assume that he paid an absolute pittance in maintenance, which is why it has made no difference.

I feel like im reading my exact same story here! I know how you feel. I am extremely poor too due to a disease/illness that ive had for 3 years which makes me blind on bad days and struggling to see on the others. Because of that i am unable to work and so some days i have to go without food even as i have no money. I cant pay for medical treatment i need either. My mother got a million inheritance and wont give me a penny. She says she needs it for herself. She spends it ALL on cosmetic procedures and anything involving her looks. Shes 77 years old getting boob jobs, teeth veneers, cheek fillers etc etc. She pays no bills as her partner pays for everything, including the fuel in her car. I cant understand how someone could be so mean to their own child, when they have plenty and spend lavishly on themselves. I would give my kids anything they needed even if it meant going without myself. For the rest of their lives.

Sounds selfish to me and especially with her grandchildren . narcissists personality . you cant take it with you when you die. that is so sad. Probably her upbringing of living in the depression where everything was scarce. I am so sorry you have to endure this abusive form your mother. not every mother is warm and fuzzy . i realize that now.

I think you should be mad at your husband here for having more kids than he could clearly afford. Most people would struggle having to pay for SIX (or is it seven?) kids, frankly it's ridiculous. Not your mother's problem-if she'd had six kids herself I doubt her fortune would've spread very far either.

My in laws are like this. It’s like they want us to suffer because they did. If anything bad happened financially to us (my husband was made redundant, no fault of his) they almost smirked when we told them. They are loaded now and never help us. We went to the shop for them and they asked for 56p the change back. That was years ago and I still remember!

You see I hate this conditional love. Parent agrees with life choices....gifts money generously. Child makes different life choices....no money at all.
Different life choices may end up in less money but that's when we need money more.
Dad didnt approve of my life choices but I had very bad mental health including hospitalisation and ED so I couldnt build a career for myself untill later in life and ended uo with abusive men.
He still resents the time he helped with a rental deposit....he's loaded due to inheritance but won't help me much.

Up*

My friend has a saying that in the West we abandon our kids at 18. In the ops case at 16. Shocking that her mum cut her loose so young. No wonder she has struggled without that support.

She sounds awful and if I were you I'd have stopped contact with her years ago xx