Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

[Richparentpoorchild]

I’d be very interested to hear what people make of this. My Mum is worth a few million quid. My husband and I, and our children are on the breadline and have been for at least 15 years.

We have no extra money for treats or holidays or anything nice. At Christmas, I sell things on eBay to make some money, so that I can buy family members Christmas presents. We never put the heating on because we just can’t afford it.

My Mum on the other hand, has several luxury holidays a year, always flying business class. She lives in a huge mansion and wants for nothing. I think at the last count she had eight properties. Some of these were gifted to her, from her rich parents.

I know that I don’t need to ask this really, because I know that it’s weird that she doesn’t offer any help to me, but what does everybody make of this?

I am now 56 years old, and she is almost 80. She is fighting fit healthwise and all of the women in the family live until about 100 years old, so whilst I will inherit, I will most likely be in my 70s at that time, which is not really when I’m going to need the money .

If it was you, in her position, do you think you would do something now to help me? I am on the bones of my arse.

we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half.

She has a boyfriend who she treats a lot,

Sorry op but your Mother sounds really unpleasant. We are fairly comfortable,paid off mortgage ,husband retired but stilll really having to be careful about money but despite that we are looking into downsizing so we can give our children a deposit for buying.l
Cannot Understand why your Mother is so thick skinned ,tone deaf and tight !!

This makes my blood boil. Your mum obviously doesn't care about family. I'd reduce contact if I were you, but first I'd cheerily tell her to save her money for the care she'll need in the future, as you won't be doing it.

Well good for you. I more parents had your attitude, there would be less jobless druggies around.

This story is in today's sun newspaper

I totally agree with you. Some parents don't want to help kids who they see as 'losers'. Some parents are just plain mean. OP is asking for advice and your idea is to tell her it's probably her own fault certainly isn't helpful. You sound unbelievably judgemental which is an ugly thing.

It sounds so wrong, l would not want my dc to have so little and struggled through when l could help, some people are so selfish don't go to lunch with her tell her you can't afford it she can treat you if she wants to see you.

Do you both work, have there been issues with spending or gambling? I'd not go to lunch if I couldn't heat my home but I'd explain why and suggest a bring your own picnic and I'd only buy gifts for my young children/grand children not adult ones.

Even if my child had made some poor life choices I wouldn't be able to leave them to live on the breadline.

@Richparentpoorchild I can fathom how she can be living off the gifts from her own family, and not do the same for you. I honestly feel so badly for you, have you ever asked her to help you out?

That is really sad, if I was in that situation I would absolutely help my children. It's not as if she has worked hard to earn that money, so inherited it. Why would you want to see yiur child struggling, when yiu could help and help them have a more comfortable life. It is really selfish.

No that’s utterly baffling. I know it’s HER money but to be that rich and not treat/help your children and grandchildren is beyond me. It’s one thing to teach your kids to stand on their own feet and not ‘expect’ anything but this is just meanness. To not even buy you lunch?!

My IL have given us money when we've asked. But they wouldn't otherwise. You need to let her know you're struggling.

On the other side, you are in your fifties, not just starting out in your twenties. She is entitled to enjoy her old age and spend her money how she wishes.

She is an utter cow.

Sounds like my MIL, always loves to tell my DH how she will spend all of his inheritance. She inherited all her wealth by the way. Only worked for 15 years of her life. So it’s not even like she worked her arse off for her wealth, unlike her son who has grafted since he was 16 because he was told at that age he was on his own now and needed to earn his keep.
She expects us to care for her when she is too old to travel and live it up. She’ll get a real shock when we tell her to jig on.

Unbelievable, isn't it.

I'd love to hear what the mother's got to say for herself.

OP, I think your mother is appalling.

The fact that she was gifted substantial assets (a business and property) from her own parents prior to their deaths as well as inheriting money from them when they died and yet doesn't give you a bean (not even paying your half of a meal out with her, ffs) is really horrible and mean.

For her to see her adult child and grandchildren living on the breadline when she herself has been the beneficiary of so much family money (unearned on her part too) is utterly despicable.

And as for offering to give you financial assistance in the past only to tell you that she's changed her mind and has chosen to invest it somewhere else....words fail me.

This is a weird form of financial abuse. Was she this mean to you as a child?

I'd honestly consider going NC and getting some counselling for yourself to process what you've been through. I'd feel incompletely unloved by her if I was in your shoes.

Im truly sorry. You and your children deserve so much better.

I'd be almost hoping she pops her clogs before the "boyfriend" (is her 80, too?🤢) becomes the new husband and you find yourself with zero inheritance (money that's principally come from your grandparents)

I think that’s sad.
We are in our 70’s , not massively rich, but very comfortable.
i frequently ( at least yearly ) give our 3 adult children some money.
Last week gave them 3k each.
Rather they’d have it now rather than when we are dead !

I see a need for some balance. I have supported both my kids for University, I have also saved to give them both a really decent deposit on a house. More than this I would be reluctant to do unless there was a good reason. I would expect my adult children to be in a position to fund their own lifestyles and take choices that support the lifestyle they want to live. My view would be that doing more than this builds dependency which does not suit anyone. I have many friends who are still paying their adult children's phone and dental bills in their 30s. No good reason it is just something that they have done for years and now do not seem able to stop.

Maybe they are scrimping and saving because they think they might need it for medical bills or care bills in the future?
I don’t think it’s right to criticise how others choose to spend their money. Your in laws are careful even spending on themselves so it’s not really a lack of generosity problem, maybe they were poor growing up and just feel more insecure about money. There is a tendency for those who grow up rich to never worry about it but those who grew up poor to always worry .

Are you her birth daughter?
This is all so weird.

So your mum was born around 1944. Mine was 1937 so I know for her family, times were very tight in the UK. Your Grand parents would have quite likely given her a tough upbringing where they also watched every penny (regardless of whether they had it or not).

On one hand I think she might be a product of her generation. On another, you don't talk about her coming to yours for dinner or any sort of personal interaction. How regularly are you invited over to hers? does she get to see and visit each week your home and area? If not, why not and when did that start? Has she ever just ''dropped'' in to see you? Have your children spent any time at Grans?

Does she like your DH? I'm thinking this could be something. Did She pay for your wedding etc. Just asking because surely this behaviour had to start at some point unless she was like since you were a dot and then you wouldn't need to be asking MN what we think, because you will know its her...

Do you have siblings? You haven't mentioned any of those. If so, where do they fit in a personal relationship with Mum?

Was everything nice when your Dad was alive? (I ask this as we have a woman in our district who would be the wealthest here, but is incredibly lonely since Hubby died but aleinated friends and locals since, her family rarely see her).

I think if you can shine a light on some of these areas, we might have a better idea of why Mum ticks as she does. She obviously has some sort of social life, so not exactly stuck at home unable to get out and about and see what is going on with the world...

Yes this is strange. We are by no means rich but fairly well off and we have helped both our single mothers but properties for themselves and help my sister financially since she split with her husband. I can't imagine not helping family

That is an entirely different situation and good for you x

I thought about your situation a bit more after my earlier post. Your mum is perhaps a year older than my Uncle. I had a discussion with him last year over his wife's Daughter's situation in life.

The flip side is her Mum and my uncle set both children up in family trust normal type residential properties. My female cousin's place was set up with whiteware and household items. There is no mortgage over the property, but since setting her up, she met someone who is also in a low paid job and he moved in. They now have a school aged daughter.

My Uncle's position is now my cousin is married, its up to them to step up and sort themselves out. He feels the Husband could do a heck of a lot more to improve his life both income wise and effort at home, but appears to have little drive to do so. This is frustrating for my Uncle, and add in the disagreements he has with his wife over it, is not easily resolved. My cousin has gone back to full time work to support them better and I believe she isn't coping.

Maybe your Mum has the same mindset as my Uncle? That she believes its time you both? step up and improve your circumstances. Their financial set up sounds similar, although my U & A do provide financial help in paying for family holidays. I'm not saying its right nor wrong, I could see both sides of the argument when it was discussed in front of me, but it might explain what is going on....

How old were you when you bought your own home?

I get that usually parents will want to help their children and usually do, but most will also want to instill values about earning, saving, budgeting too. If they have any concerns about relationships and partners getting hold of funds through divorce, or otherwise, they may well hold back. Especially if there are stepchildren involved. From her reaction to splitting bills I'd suggest she's probably had an interesting journey with money herself and doesn't feel she owes you anything, especially as you are a grown woman with children of your own.
It's a bit harsh but it is what it is.
And inheritance is not a given and shouldn't be assumed.
I'd try to have a very calm conversation with her... just one to one, to ask her about it.