Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

[Richparentpoorchild]

I’d be very interested to hear what people make of this. My Mum is worth a few million quid. My husband and I, and our children are on the breadline and have been for at least 15 years.

We have no extra money for treats or holidays or anything nice. At Christmas, I sell things on eBay to make some money, so that I can buy family members Christmas presents. We never put the heating on because we just can’t afford it.

My Mum on the other hand, has several luxury holidays a year, always flying business class. She lives in a huge mansion and wants for nothing. I think at the last count she had eight properties. Some of these were gifted to her, from her rich parents.

I know that I don’t need to ask this really, because I know that it’s weird that she doesn’t offer any help to me, but what does everybody make of this?

I am now 56 years old, and she is almost 80. She is fighting fit healthwise and all of the women in the family live until about 100 years old, so whilst I will inherit, I will most likely be in my 70s at that time, which is not really when I’m going to need the money .

If it was you, in her position, do you think you would do something now to help me? I am on the bones of my arse.

we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half.

She has a boyfriend who she treats a lot,

That’s precisely what it is.

I’m in a similar position. My parents are very wealthy, mainly through inheritance. They were gifted huge amounts of assets at a young age. Think multiple properties, a large profitable business, land etc.

They have given me nothing. I have no issue with this as I prefer to be able to stand on my own 2 feet.

As time has progressed DH and I have managed to both reach big salaries so finances are not an issue.

My siblings however have not fared anywhere near as well and this is where the future faking comes in. My parents use their money to control my siblings.

My DH got sick of hearing about how much inheritance there will be in years to come particularly when we have no real need for it due to our own efforts. He told them in no uncertain terms where to stick it and from then on has had little contact with them.

My siblings on the other hand feel they have to pander to them to protect their future inheritance which they appear reliant on.

I find the whole thing distasteful on all sides and as a result am not really that close to my family anymore.

My DS is 3 and hasn’t yet clocked on to the fact that he’s never seen his Dad and GP together. I’m not sure how I’ll explain it to him yet when the time comes.

Especially when they are treating some bloke.

It so happens that many professions of high societal value are poorly remunerated. Most of them are also female-dominated. (There is research showing that when women access professions this depresses the wages in these fields.) I would never tell someone who is in full-time or near full-time employment in a valuable caring role off for having made that career choice and 'not having lived up to their potential'. They are giving their potential to helping out the weak and vulnerable and that is to their credit.

I really hope you one day will reconsider your perspective when you find yourself in need of care and at the mercy of such professionals. OP is giving her talents to a much deserving field. The fact we as a society value it so little is shameful.

My inlaws are millionaires and have never given us a penny and we have lived on the breadline, missing meals etc. When my eldest was 18 months and I was pregnant with my middle our heating got condemned and we needed £6k to install central heating (was 1970s warm air) and that year we had extremely cold weather, snow for weeks etc. They knew we had no heating, still didn't offer to help. We lived with no heating for 2 years until my Mum inherited some money (as my mum was very low income) and lent us the £6k which we paid back.

Now we have a combined income of over £100k and are immensely proud that we have overcome every challenge life threw at us (we had an awful 7 years, I really didn't think we would make it) and we did it all on our own!

Annoyingly sister in law who is 2 years younger than DH has had food shops bought, 2 new cars, her council tax debt paid off before she went to court, rent paid, money gifts etc etc. That stung a lot when we were struggling, but inlaws say they knew we would manage but SIL is a dumpster fire who they have to help. Whatever, we made it on our own and are proud of that and a decade on, sil is still a dumpster fire and has moved in with the inlaws after losing her house.

@MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel
Your inlaws sound unbelievably nasty.

My fil is a nasty piece of work (that's a whole other thread) but mil is usually okay. I think, in some weird way, she saw it as helping us by not giving us handouts. Where as all I remember is trying to heat my toddlers bedroom with the one electric heater we could afford so she wouldn't wake up freezing cold. On the plus side, our gas bill was nothing! 😆

In a weird way it did help. DH worked hard to move up the ranks, I raised beautiful children who understand money and cost and are grateful for what they have, and I returned to work, got 2 promotions in 5 years and we are in a good place and totally self made. And we are proud of ourselves. SIL has gone from failure to failure as she knows PIL always bail her out.

DH has 4 children from a previous marriage, and up until very recently was paying quite a lot in child support.

That's the reason. I doubt she wants to subsidise the household for this reason.

I would also not count on getting inheritance as the boyfriend may be named in the will.

It's a shame she isn't able to even buy you lunch though.

I don't think that's the reason. OP didn't meet her DH until she was 40.

DH until I was 40, so up till then there was only one wage coming in, and where I live is quite expensive. I did get on the property ladder though, but most of my income was swallowed up by the mortgage

She behaved in the same way before the OP met her husband so this is unlikely to be the case.

As I have said upthread there does not need to be a reason. My mother is exactly the same. Luckily most of my siblings have done extremely well but even when going through some dire financial situations has never once offered anything.

It doesn't bother me now I am older but I do struggle to watch her siblings struggle with money and health issues and my mum doing nothing to help.

You are, of course, absolutely right, and I should have said England, not UK. It may be born out that OP is in England or Wales due to statistics (population of 55.98mil in England, 5.4mil in Scotland, and 3.8mil in Wales), but when I lived in Scotland, I used to eye-roll a bit when people forgot it was part of the UK. Sorry about that @WearyAuldWumman !

Why don’t you and your siblings help your mum's siblings who struggle with financial worries - given you have all done extremely well - you must have some spare cash to help out your aunts and uncles?

Because they have not directly said to us that they are struggling. Would be a bit weird to phone one uncle up who needs a hip op and offer to pay for it out of the blue. However, my mum (it is her brother) spends a lot of time on the phone talking about it to him, how he struggles with mobility and pain etc. If it were my sibling I would offer to pay for it.

I also said "most" of us are doing well. We have one sibling who isn't and me and the other 3 siblings regularly buy her shopping, we bought her a car, we paid for to have some medical treatment etc, we often transfer her money to help with her monthly expenses. However, my mother has never so much as offered her a £1 and will cheerfully sit back at lunch or dinner out and wait for everyone else to pay, even the impoverished sister.

Common sense

Would you not suggest to your mum that they could go with some help then?

Sorry. It doesn't add up.

If you have parent(s) worth millions from birth, then they must have had aspirations, views. goals when you were born. They must have also had a nice home in a middle class area, at the least.

They must have told you that the easy route to your future security is work hard at school, get qualifications and get a decent enough paying job to support a family.

But yet you and spouse are on breadline - so presumably without good qualifications or raised without any business or career aspirations.

Just what went so badly wrong for you that your mother has not been invested in your future or the future of your children?

It doesn't have to "add up"!!! The OP owes you no explanation.

What a nasty, supercilious, patronising, condescending piece of shite you posted!!

The OP states that she is in a caring profession, and she loves it. She comes across as a great deal nicer a person than you.

This comment, "Just what went so badly wrong for you that your mother has not been invested in your future or the future of your children?" is utterly hateful!!!

You must have grown up somewhat wealthy as you've said her parents were rich and you most likely had a leg up naturally to opportunities.
I do not believe that parents should bail out their adult children because of their decisions, no matter how wealthy they are.

I am a more compassionate person than you clearly, because to me, money is meant to share if you can. I'd rather see my loved ones enjoy it while I'm alive to see it than leave it to them when I'm gone.

I think her behaviour is wrong. She doesn’t have to finance your life but given that she has so much and you have so little I think it’s odd.
i wonder what her family and friends think of her behaviour-what I mean is that it must be obvious to her inner circle that she is wealthy and you and your family are not. There are many ways of helping someone, it doesn’t have to be huge amounts, a little can mean so much to someone who doesn’t have much.

I really don't understand people like your mother. If I had the money, I would do everything I could to make sure that my family were comfortable. I am not wealthy but I help my children now wherever I can and wish that I could give them more. What's the use of having all that money, in the bank/houses when your family are struggling? My grandmother was always very generous with us grandchildren. She used to say she wanted to see us enjoying her money while she was alive and she wouldn't see that when she was dead.

Whilst o would currently give my kids my last pound ( my choice as they would never ask or expect and I fact often refuse help ) I would never dream if asking for financial help from my parents . My life choices are my own as theirs were there own . I do not expect any inheritance and am actively encouraging them to spend their money after all they earnt it and it’s their life choices that have put them where they are .
the most I would ask for is a short term loan .

Lots of pretty nasty, sanctimonious comments here. There's something about inheritance threads that seems to bring out the worst in MNers. I have to admit I laughed quite hard at the PP who rudely told the OP how dreadful and entitled she was being, and how her own kids had always had to support themselves, then admitted in a later post that she'd ensured they inherited 200K each. Classic.

Lots of sneering at low paid workers too, when OP made it clear that she works in a caring profession, and they're not famous for being well paid, are they. Plus some snidey little digs at OP's husband having 4 kids before he met her, in a snobby 'oh dear lord, the poor are breeding' kind of way.

I wonder how all the PPs with all their 'her money, her choice' crap would feel if the situation was reversed, if an OAP was living in a freezing cold house with no spare money while her daughter and SIL were millionaires and owned 8 properties yet didn't lift a finger to help her, and even rubbed their wealth in her face.

OP, I do think your mum is being absolutely horrible, and I'm so sorry. I totally get why you're hurt and baffled by it.

PIL, mid 80s, are sat on a considerable amount of assets and savings. Enough to pay inheritance tax.

We've all struggled through student 20s, having kids 30s, house too small 40s and are now in uni fee 50s.

FIL absolutely thinks he's immortal. My SIL is not, she's cashing in her pension now and going through the bucket list because her diagnosis means no old bones.

She will be dead by inherit it 60s - occasionally I'm really angry about them sitting on it like a dragon. We absolutely could have done with a wodge ten years ago, it will be almost irrelevant in ten years time as we downsize.

Op we are in similar circumstances to yours, but mum is not quite as rich (but rich enough to take a holiday every month with lots of spending money, hundreds of thousands in bank, 2.5 million worth of house etc). I feel for you! I have multiple heath issues which she knows about and getting worse every year. I have had to give up one of my jobs and hubby has to help me dress sometimes as can hardly move. We are really struggling and depressed (hubby also has bad back and knees). We have worked in physical jobs and feel worn out now (I still have 10 yrs to retirement and I think I will be totally buggered by then). Luckily my other job is desk job so that helps but we are struggling. I have asked her for help, she said yes then never bothers. She just says I can have the money when she is dead. She is only 17yrs older and is extremely good health, I dont know if I will even make it to retirement let alone outlive her. It would be lovely if she could help but she just doesn't it drives me a bit crazy, I know I shouldnt expect it but god it would be nice.

Maybe OP needs money?