Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

[Richparentpoorchild]

I’d be very interested to hear what people make of this. My Mum is worth a few million quid. My husband and I, and our children are on the breadline and have been for at least 15 years.

We have no extra money for treats or holidays or anything nice. At Christmas, I sell things on eBay to make some money, so that I can buy family members Christmas presents. We never put the heating on because we just can’t afford it.

My Mum on the other hand, has several luxury holidays a year, always flying business class. She lives in a huge mansion and wants for nothing. I think at the last count she had eight properties. Some of these were gifted to her, from her rich parents.

I know that I don’t need to ask this really, because I know that it’s weird that she doesn’t offer any help to me, but what does everybody make of this?

I am now 56 years old, and she is almost 80. She is fighting fit healthwise and all of the women in the family live until about 100 years old, so whilst I will inherit, I will most likely be in my 70s at that time, which is not really when I’m going to need the money .

If it was you, in her position, do you think you would do something now to help me? I am on the bones of my arse.

we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half.

She has a boyfriend who she treats a lot,

I’m sorry, I’d call that out. She doesn’t sound very endearing. Perhaps she shouldn’t help you with your daily expenses but helping with big life outlays would be generous and helpful in the extreme … down payment on home, holiday, car, renovation, furniture, that sort of thing.

she's being totally insensitive and a bit of a cunt really.

OP the issue here isn't about money, it's about love really. She doesn't seem to have any empathy or care about you full stop. Money is just one facet of it.

God I hate the people that crawl out of their holes and ask questions like 'if money is important to you, why are you not rich'

It's clearly less about money itself being important and more about wondering why the person who is supposed to love you most in the world is letting you live with constant scrimping and saving when it's so unnecessary. Especially when the money for the mother is clearly not just borne of hard graft on her part.

OP I do think that if you are not going to do anything else, you should at least just ask her not to talk about money and just simply explain how hurtful it is. You're not asking for anything but you are setting a boundary and sending a clear message.

That's horseshit.

If I have money, my kids have money, no matter what age they are.

I do get the whole mantra that we should teach our kids to pave their own way in life, but I just couldn't sit back on a few million and watch my kids struggle. If I was able, then I'd keep them comfortable for as long as I could and that's just how I feel about it - I didn't have them to watch them struggle.

I'm sorry your mum doesn't help at all - even just buying your lunch would be a nice gesture and I suppose that's the main crux in a lot of ways - it's the lack of care that hits hard.

This is deliberate and it's to keep you on the hook. Look up 'future faking'.

Ordinarily i can't stand the thought of grown children thinking that their elderly parents owe them anything. However, my parents sold their business and are now very well off. They've not lavished us with gifts, but have helped us out with unexpected things like house repairs, they pay for joint holidays (the cost of holiday cottages in this country) and always pick up the tab for family dinners. We always offer to pay, but are usually overruled. They buy things for the grandchildren and are generous with birthdays etc. There is no expectation of them giving us anything. We get to enjoy visiting their big house and garden. We help them out with things they need doing. They don't lead a luxurious lifestyle and aren't particularly extravagant. However, if I were struggling and they could see that and they didn't offer to help out in some way, then i probably would feel hurt. Things are a bit financially tighter for us than they realise and i also sell the kids clothes on ebay etc to put towards gifts, but if I ever asked for help, i know that they would help if they could.

OP, there HAS to be a reason! No parent who has an even halfway decent relationship with their children will behave like this.

Do you have siblings? If so, how is her relationship with them?

Have you made poor life choices that negatively impacted your financial security, and she feels like your situation is self-inflicted?

You write you have children of your own, how are their relationships with her?

I think the OP has explained the situation very well. Sadly there are parents like this, and there are those on MN who would support parents to behave like this. It's fascinating and upsetting all at once; I don't know if it's a reflection on society that anyone would think this was ok?

I agree that it’s baffling, in your position I would feel sad about it and in her position I’d definitely want to share my good fortune with you. Very mean on her part. It’s true she isn’t obliged, but still.

Sorry OP but it isn’t very nice to be talking about how long she might live and when you’d get your inheritance - it sounds a bit like you’d rather this to be sooner than later - so maybe she’s picked up on that, and if she has I don’t blame her frankly.

Well it's not very nice for a mother to live a luxury life and watch her daughter and family struggle! She just sounds like a selfish cow!

If I was lucky enough to be in your mum’s financial position, I would help my adult DC out as much as possible. I’d be happy to, especially if I knew they were struggling to the extent that you are.

Struggling to believe this is real.
I cannot fathom swanning around with thousands/millions of pounds in the bank and 8 houses whilst my child and grandchildren can't afford to put the heating on.
YANBU.
Stop going for lunch with her, it's costing you extra money.

How could you possibly know that unless you are the OP

But it’s not about that is it? It’s about her mother not giving a shit. Watching her daughter struggle and not wanting to help. What does it say? It says I don’t care. I’m comfortable watching my child struggle. Most people who have children WANT to help. I’d rather go without so my children wouldn’t have to. Because I love them more than I love myself. As the child of a parent who will never do a thing to help me unless there is a material exchange for him, it makes me feel lonely and unloved. It isn’t about the money per se, but the message.

And how could you possibly KNOW that there was one?

Sadly there really are parents who behave like this. Mine is one of them.

I don’t think YABU at all. My in-laws are beyond wealthy, many times millionaires due to selling a business then buying tons of property. Their monthly income will be 10 x ours at least. They are in their 70’s. But- they don’t offer to help with anything financially for their 3 kids/grandkids. We are all working full time, decent jobs but still little left over for luxuries, like everyone else. But, they also really struggle to enjoy spending anything on themselves too which speaks volumes. I truly think their only enjoyment of their enormous wealth is from seeing the figures get bigger and bigger.

I don’t understand their mentality. It’s not what my family would do, it’s not how I would be, but I have finally made peace with it and watch from afar as they nit pick over costs, look for cheap holidays etc and moan about the cost of everything then don’t buy it.

The awful irony is they can’t grasp that all this stashed money may well be gone in the future in 12 months of funding their care. So all that stashing and saving will be wiped out in a flash.

I have seen many people get handouts from rich parents and it's messed them up. They basically have no consequences to their actions, they do anything they want, and then it backfires on them. Their life has no purpose and they hate themselves because they know they won't achieve as much as their parents have. Nothing actually makes them happy.

Since you do what you love and don't want to change it I'd call that a bigger win.

We didn’t expect anything but when my gp's died, and dh's gp's, both our mothers gave us something out of what they inherited (I think in both cases it all went to the children in the will, so they were kind enough to share).

I'd like to think I'd share with my dc too.

I'm amazed that the OP got on the property ladder on a minimum wage. It's in an expensive area. Hang on, it's in a rough area.

I'd stop going out for lunch with her. Now the weather is (supposed to be) getting better, I'd just suggest a picnic in the park instead as you can't afford to go out for lunch and see if she gets the hint. Hopefully that way you can find out if she is oblivious to your situation or just doesn't care.

By a process of deduction?

How do you know either unless you are the OP?!

The OP isn't expecting a "handout", just a little bit of financial support to make her life easier. That's not unreasonable, given the extent of her mother's wealth. That's her grandchildren too that she is willing to see go without while she has the means to help the whole family. She's hateful!