Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

[Richparentpoorchild]

I’d be very interested to hear what people make of this. My Mum is worth a few million quid. My husband and I, and our children are on the breadline and have been for at least 15 years.

We have no extra money for treats or holidays or anything nice. At Christmas, I sell things on eBay to make some money, so that I can buy family members Christmas presents. We never put the heating on because we just can’t afford it.

My Mum on the other hand, has several luxury holidays a year, always flying business class. She lives in a huge mansion and wants for nothing. I think at the last count she had eight properties. Some of these were gifted to her, from her rich parents.

I know that I don’t need to ask this really, because I know that it’s weird that she doesn’t offer any help to me, but what does everybody make of this?

I am now 56 years old, and she is almost 80. She is fighting fit healthwise and all of the women in the family live until about 100 years old, so whilst I will inherit, I will most likely be in my 70s at that time, which is not really when I’m going to need the money .

If it was you, in her position, do you think you would do something now to help me? I am on the bones of my arse.

we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half.

She has a boyfriend who she treats a lot,

Families and money....my parents were the 'earn it on your own merit' and did not help me financially (uni costs, getting on housemaster etc). I don't hold grudges on it. But they did show love with words or gestures so it was never a surprise.

My partner and I are from the mindset of wanting to assist. Not big grand gestures but things like helping with learning to drive, contributing to 1st car insurance. And I have savings accounts for them which will hopefully have about £10,000 to help when they are purchasing their 1st homes.

I would like to think they know they could approach us if they get into financial difficulties.

why did you have to enter the workforce at 16? Did she refuse to support you in getting a better education and better opportunities or did you choose that path?

Have you asked about getting help with the children’s university expenses to take pressure off your household and give them a better start?

Forgot, also financed 2 business ventures, which failed mainly through, again, poor choices and refusal to listen to advice. And then yes, not keen to do it again- as she feels it will likely be wasted too.

Op isn’t talking about buying her a house though . Help can be pocket money for the kids,good xmas presents, money for a holiday, buying stuff for the house or maybe a car etc Things that make life easier . It doesn’t have to be to the tune of 100s of thousands .

I have no idea why OP is not sharing further

This makes me cringe so hard... as someone who lost their mother recently the thought that your counting HER pennies on how much you think you are owed and entitled too and bitching that she likely wont die soon enough for you to get your hands on it is frankly disgusting.

I think some people are just wired this way. My mum was tight as a ducks arse, had lots of money but would watch you struggle without batting an eye. Her husband, my step dad, will give you money at the drop of a hat because 'I have more than I need for myself'. It is very weird. I could not live with myself if someone was struggling while I had plenty.

I had similar though not so stark as we have enough. We did, however have to watch every penny when the children were young and we had a large London mortgage. My parents knew, indeed used to talk about how much my brother was earning - at one stage he headed a city law firm, but never managed even Christmas presents for the children. For a significant birthday they gave me £50.

I then supported my father through a terminal illness and my mother through 10 years of dementia. I used to get quite angry, whilst sorting through their stuff. It would have cost them nothing to have passed on, say, used garden equipment, to us. Or an occasional financial gift that might have allowed us a small luxury. But no. Nothing. Ever.

The one thing I did negotiate was that I would be compensated for giving up work when she needed help. I found it bizarre that I was making weekly 200 mile round trips when my father was dying despite the fact that I had relatively young children (12 & 10) and was working full time, and neither my brother (too busy working) nor my mother offered to meet some of the cost. So when my brother phoned to say my mother had had a fall and would need me to be POA I decided that my family were not going to resent having to fund me supporting her. Financially it just about made it worthwhile me giving up my job.

Its over now. My mother spent her final years with her dignity and respect intact. I manged her assets well so the inheritance was not eroded. My brother then argued over every last penny, but he has to live within himself. Quite why she could not have been more generous is weird. Just the occasional present for the kids, perhaps an evening's babysitting which would have meant she knew her grandchildren so could have enjoyed their company as her world closed in.

She frequently asked for reassurance that she had plenty of money. That pleased her.

These actions are not those of a loving mother and grandmother.

How shocking! I’d be surprised if you were even going to be in her will!

pure greed and cruel imo

Very sorry OP I have one of these people in my life who lacks empathy and thinks money is power. Partly to do with childhood deprivation but it is miserliness. They love to tangle resources just out of reach. Do not expect the smallest of handouts or a loan or even 20p, or any concern if you are suffering, because they don't care. Don't depend on inheritances and enjoy your life within the limits of your income and do your best. It's nothing to do with money and more to do with their personality and control. They are the real losers. And all the stuff about how they are entitled, well, it was a lot easier in the 1970s to gather property wealth especially in the South East, by buying something for twenty thousand pounds and today worth millions. Many opportunities from these times have completely dried up. Most were just lucky to be there at that time no sweat needed.

Have you tried to speak to your mum about your finances?

IMO unless you’ve gone off the rails and are a criminal / drug addict, there’s no excuse and she’s probably a selfish narcissist incapable of loving you or anybody else fully. The bf will only be getting treated to keep him around.

She’s a selfish woman and I wouldn’t count on any inheritance. I think people like this rob themselves of joy…you will have a happy christmas and know your children are blessed and you share everything you have with them even if its very little because you love them completely.

OP you own a small house in an expensive area - and you can pay your bills. You are poor relative to your mum’s wealth but you aren’t poor. At 56 I’d expect you to be self sufficient. If money was important to you why did you stick with a minimum wage job? Do you not just suggest popping around for a cup of tea rather than paying for lunch. I don’t think it’s weird expecting adults to be independent. In my family it’s always been the other way around - we have supported the parents - rather than expecting them to support us. I think it’s weird that a grown woman expects her mother to subsidise her lifestyle. I expect my kids to become financially independent- they have been supported generously growing up but I expect them to work hard and if money is important to them - I do not expect them to look after us when we are older.
There are too many child adults expecting hand outs.

I don't know how a parent couldn't help out in such circumstances.

YANBU and, in future, whenever she asks you to do anything, your answer should be "Sorry, I can't afford it".

You can't force someone to give you money or help you out, she has no actual obligation to, but at the same time it's not something I could get past, and I'd very much be keeping my distance.

Imagine having 8 properties and millions in case while there are people struggling to feed their kids. It's bad enough generally, but when it's YOUR family!! Fuck that.

Seems strange to me but people's attitudes towards money are very decisive.
As others have said, abit more background would be helpful. This might help to understand your mum's attitude ( or it may not).
If I had eight properties and an adult child who was struggling/renting, u can be sure that I would buy them a house and provide financial support. Sadly, I have experience of family member being caught in the nightmare and sledge hammer effect of addictions. In those circumstances, I would act differently

Are you an only child? Why did you leave home at 16?

Op is not in her 20s- but mid 50s- and that boyfriend and his children, will benefit massively from any help, whilst perhaps not contributing much. And any inheritance too.

This is a very unusual situation, especially as there is no backstory.

In her situation, one would expect her to be giving as much as possible to her children and grandchildren.

Was she also mean when you were a child?

Did she herself grow up in richness or poverty?

If you have any siblings, are they treated in the same way as you?

Does you mum have autism or any condition which makes her oblivious to your plight and to her own behaviour?

Are there any similar traits in your mum's family, ie, your aunts and uncles?

Does she have anything against your husband?

You are absolutely right not to ask her for anything. However tight, you are managing.

From the way you talk about not asking for anything, it feels a bit as though your relationship is based on you being allowed access to her so long as you never ask for anything. I'd be wary of speaking to her as it might be the moment she decides not to leave you anything. She has deliberately deprived you and her grandchildren and has managed the relationship so that you don't dare even raise it and believe there isn't really any other problem in your relationship. Go to therapy!

Her mother probably has no idea what goes on her her darling daughters head.

Mum probably thinks she is doing fine. Daughter has a house, a partner, her job.

How can she expect her mum to know her salary or bank balance or fact she is on her ass bones??

And, what she wants money to “enjoy” life more?

And, as always, don’t ask = don’t get.

Perhaps mum doesn’t want to insult her daughter by giving - charity.

Honestly I think that’s quite awful. EIGHT properties and she watches you and your family live in poverty? I’m sorry but what kind of parent does this? There’s clearly an issue. It would be the same the other way round too - what if an adult child had a property portfolio of eight properties and allowed their ageing parent to live counting every single penny? I don’t think many people here could stand behind that decision.

Just to say OP you don't sound bitchy, you sound baffled and weary and if anything less angry than I'd be in your shoes. No idea where all the sanctimonious comments come from.

It does sound like she's either 100 per cent egocentric and tactless, or else this is a power thing where she gets something out of undermining you. Either way, maybe minimise contact and avoid spending money to see her?

Well done for having chosen a career you love.👏

Can you do an apprenticeship or be seconded on to a course through work or anything?

I couldn’t enjoy the finer things in life whilst any of my loved ones were struggling, let alone my children. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be in a position to help them out financially as I would like (house deposits, first car, holidays etc). But if I was, it would be my top priority. I’m sorry your mum doesn’t think like that op ❤️ xxx