Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

[Richparentpoorchild]

I’d be very interested to hear what people make of this. My Mum is worth a few million quid. My husband and I, and our children are on the breadline and have been for at least 15 years.

We have no extra money for treats or holidays or anything nice. At Christmas, I sell things on eBay to make some money, so that I can buy family members Christmas presents. We never put the heating on because we just can’t afford it.

My Mum on the other hand, has several luxury holidays a year, always flying business class. She lives in a huge mansion and wants for nothing. I think at the last count she had eight properties. Some of these were gifted to her, from her rich parents.

I know that I don’t need to ask this really, because I know that it’s weird that she doesn’t offer any help to me, but what does everybody make of this?

I am now 56 years old, and she is almost 80. She is fighting fit healthwise and all of the women in the family live until about 100 years old, so whilst I will inherit, I will most likely be in my 70s at that time, which is not really when I’m going to need the money .

If it was you, in her position, do you think you would do something now to help me? I am on the bones of my arse.

we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half.

She has a boyfriend who she treats a lot,

My dad won’t help me either. Not unless there is a return for him. He’s lent me money but only at the going rate of interest. I am not allowed to miss a payment. Even when I was on mat leave. He makes thousands out of me every year. I don’t expect a gift of money but he could easily have lent it to me interest free. He has plenty of money (not as much as you mum though!) and tells me regularly how flush he’s feeling. He won’t lift a finger to help me or my brother.

I find this very strange. I would give my kids anything and support them in whatever way they needed. I’d be glad to help them. My father is emotionally void though and also a cunt.

I think some people like to think they've achieved everything on their own merits so why shouldn't others. It allows them to feel superior to everyone else. Your mother has probably conveniently forgotten all the hand outs she had because she likes to think of herself as having achieved it through her good judgement and running her own business (that was handed down to her).

Seeing you struggling probably makes her feel even more superior.

It's absolutely horrible and your mother sounds foul but there's not much you can do about it. It's a bit of shame your grandparents and your DF didn't see that side of her and leave you money directly. You sound like you have created a lovely family yourself and your children will appreciate you going forward.

Why?

That seems unlikely given they didn't get married until she was 40 so the mother had plenty of time to help her out in the past. If she's been gifted several properties and a business, I doubt that would have caused her much hardship.

It is a strange situation - but you are very fortunate to know that you will have financial security in old age.

You mother sounds utterly self absorbed. I couldn't imagine not wanting to help the next generation as much as I could. Not even treating you to lunch sounds like she is miserly to the point of illness.

If I was that wealthy I would be even more keen to pass on as much as possible in a tax efficient way. It doesn't sound normal to me.

Not necessarily. Tight mother might leave it all to a cat sanctuary 😬.

@Richparentpoorchild

could you progress in your career or do a bit of a different job op? Yeah you might not love it as much but 🤷‍♀️

True. I wonder if the OP would have made different decisions about work and money if she didn't have expectations of inheritance

Oh gosh yes. " I'll see you right" Only you didn't.

What a wonderful person she was.

OP I felt sad for you reading your post. My parents aren’t rich but have helped me so much financially when they really didn’t have to, essentially sharing their ‘wealth’. I will share all I have and or inherit with my child straight off the bat, to do otherwise is unthinkable to me. Can’t get my head round living in opulent luxury while child struggles especially when grandchildren are involved.

If I was your mum you’d be getting a few houses straight off! Money does often come to you at the wrong end of your life, but your mother has more than enough I’d resent the situation too. Plus they’ll be lofty inheritance tax due in the end, surely.

This is purely said in jest;
Hopefully she has a quick and fatal heart attack. Or sudden onset of dementia, power of attorney anyone? 🤔

Keep your head up OP, you are obviously a very logical and kind person wondering why you’re being overlooked because you’d never overlook your own children in this way. It isn’t fair, she is being selfish. But sadly that’s the situation at present 😓

I would put good money on her really disliking your husband. I would also not expect a bean from her either for this reason. She likely thinks you will waste money if she gives it to you, ie, not built an independent life for yourself.

Only you know if that's right - but her attitude says "you don't get the money because you have chosen to live otherwise with that man".

As a child who starved growing up, I wouldn't say you were on the breadline but I also think your mother should offer to help you out. Even if it's just so you spend less of your energy worrying over finances. Have you ever asked for help?

First off, I'd stop the lunches.
Anything that requires you to spend money in her company, just repeat "I can't afford it".

All of this. My parents also helped me, despite me making some very questionable choices. I will also help my children as much as I can. Can't imagine not.

yes, sounds harsh- but we don't know the whole story here. Has help been given before, again and again. And has advice about choices been ignored repeatedly? And has OP and family behaved unpleasantly and unkindly on a repeated basis in the past.

I have friends who have been in that position with one of their daughters- and after giving her and partner, significant help on a repeated basis, but without any change in behaviour and poor choices- decided that enough is enough- especially as DD and partner have behaved appalingly towards them.

What did she do to earn her wealth? Is it all what sue was handed or did she work for at least some of it?

To answer though I couldn't live like she does and watch you struggle. No. My parents are well off and we're not but I'm the wrong child and they don't seem to appreciate my life choices very much.

Read all the OP … why are you asking this now, nothing has changed?

why would elderly mum even think that you expect money at this point?

Mum probably thinks you are totally happy with your choices and has no idea that you have no savings and that you expect money.

Leave your mum alone. Make changes in your own life.
grow up!

To me it’s really weird I couldn’t live like that and watch my kids struggle.

Oh my word !
My mind is boggled by the meaness of your Mum.
Do you have siblings ?
As a Mum I am just shocked.
I grew up in a house with the most generous parents and I hope DH and I are equally generous to our dcs.

I voted YANBU as I am of the opinion if you have dc you help them out, isn't that your job as a parent?
I couldn't see my child struggling while I was living it up.. Not unless they had been seriously disrespectful to me, but in your case it sounds like your mother a narcissist I mean bragging about meals out etc in front of you?
In this day and age with the cost of living crisis even 2 people on decent wages are struggling.

Even so. Our parents helped us as much as they could when we were young but weren’t very well off themselves ( no shortage of love though) so what we have is mainly off our own backs, it’s a joy to help our children when we can and neither of us could stand to live a life of luxury while our children struggled.

My MIL actually once stated she would rather her money went in inheritance tax than give it to us before she died. Now it’s mine I’m making sure the treasury doesn’t get another penny. I will give it all to my children before my time is up.

A friend gave daughter money to buy first house. She divorced and her OH got half. They then bought her a second house, and a new partner moved in and didn't realy help with finances and maintenance, etc. Now split up and has fallen in house with a new place, and needs money to buy. Friend and DH are hesitant to help again. Can you see why?

fallen in love (not house). I mean, there is a limit, surely!