Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

[Richparentpoorchild]

I’d be very interested to hear what people make of this. My Mum is worth a few million quid. My husband and I, and our children are on the breadline and have been for at least 15 years.

We have no extra money for treats or holidays or anything nice. At Christmas, I sell things on eBay to make some money, so that I can buy family members Christmas presents. We never put the heating on because we just can’t afford it.

My Mum on the other hand, has several luxury holidays a year, always flying business class. She lives in a huge mansion and wants for nothing. I think at the last count she had eight properties. Some of these were gifted to her, from her rich parents.

I know that I don’t need to ask this really, because I know that it’s weird that she doesn’t offer any help to me, but what does everybody make of this?

I am now 56 years old, and she is almost 80. She is fighting fit healthwise and all of the women in the family live until about 100 years old, so whilst I will inherit, I will most likely be in my 70s at that time, which is not really when I’m going to need the money .

If it was you, in her position, do you think you would do something now to help me? I am on the bones of my arse.

we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half.

She has a boyfriend who she treats a lot,

Do you always see her at her house or out somewhere? If so, I'd invite her and her boyfriend round for lunch at yours. Maybe seeing the reality will help them understand that your way of life is very different to theirs, and then she might consider helping a bit.

I'd wager that's part of it.

If it was you, in her position, do you think you would do something now to help me?

I would but that's no use.
An inheritance is no use to anyone when they are in their 70s.
No-one can change your mother but it's very sad.
There was a thread recently from a parent wanting to give money to her DC. It was mostly lovely and lots of others doing the same. A few resentful that their own parents didn't help (therefore it was a bad thing).
We help our DC. They don't need it badly but I'd rather they had it in their 20s than their 50s.

Maybe you should just actually ask her for some money?

I don't think you sound bitchy, I think she sounds horrible. I can't imagine being in the position where I have money and my child doesn't and I don't help my child without being asked. Sure, my child will inherit but better for her to have what I can give now, to make her life easier now than to have her wait for me to die to get any benefit from my own good fortune.
I'm furious on your behalf.

I suspect it's to do with you having a low paid job and marrying a guy with four kids. That's obviously not a good reason not to help you out but it's likely a reason why she doesn't.

Do you have any other siblings or are you an only child?

It does sound like she doesn't particularly care for you. Was she particularly maternal as a mother? Is she a narcissist?

Did you leave school at 16? Did she disagree with that choice?

Not saying that excuses it but if you’ve had nothing from her since 16 then that seems like when it started?

In your shoes I’d struggle to see her tbh. It would rile me a LOT. Pp say she has no duty to help you out but she had lots of parental help so actually I think she should “pay it forward” and I bet that’s what her parents would have expected.

Everything has always been a financial struggle for me while my parents are living quite well, always traveling and going back and forth between their summer and winter homes. However, they worked for everything they have. There is no generational wealth, so I don't begrudge them enjoying what they built while they are healthy enough to do so. My sister feels differently and is very bitter. I don't think the OP is bitter, though. She's dealing with a situation where there's boasting which is hurtful and tone deaf. This means OP has to regularly confront the differences in circumstances.

I think next time your DM wants to go out for a meal, tell her you can't afford it.

I would help out an adult child who was genuinely struggling. But I have seen my parents financially support two of my siblings and it isn't good for anyone involved. My siblings have never learned to stand on their own two feet. They can always go to the bank of Mum and Dad. And my parents are not wealthy people, unlike your DM.

Is there a reason you've always had minimum wage jobs and didn't go to university?

If she marries her boyfriend you most likely wont inherit at all so i wouldn't even count on that at 70.

i agree with pp who have said she obviously has issues with your poor choices. It is all well and good choosing a low paid career if you have other means, but if you dont you need to suck it up and do a job that earns more. Having children with a man who already had four he could barely afford again wasnt a good decision.

at some point, and well before 56, youve to consider your role in leading to where you are right now.

and why do you think you wont need money at 70???? Have you been paying a decent amount into a private / company pension?

One of the nicest, most heart warming things you can do for anybody is to help them out. I would love to help my adult kids but no chance.

Its beyond me , this attitude.

Please do not think you will inherit. If she cannot help you now when she could see the difference it would make, she is not ever going to help you. All her estate will go to the new partner so plan for your future without it.

She sounds like a very unkind Mrs Scrooge type, and to make you pay your half when out for dinner is outrageous. I would keep contact to a minimum and let her know you can't afford 25 pound lunches. That 80 yo boyfriend who she's so generous towards might need to nurse her in old age because she's probably going to leave all to him anyway. Don't feel obligated to take care of her.

Money is funny stuff, few people have an entirely healthy or rational relationship with it. Many ascribed their good fortune to some innate quality in them and view poverty as well-deserved for similar reasons.
A friend had a house gifted in the 90's that's now worth well over £1million - he is genuinely baffled as to why anyone would expect him to help his children get a foot on the housing ladder.
Another wealthy friend tells me how much his child and their partner are struggling, before moaning that he'll be lucky to clear £800k from his late mother's estate.
The only advice I would give would be to repeat Maya Angelou's: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" and not be swayed by vague promises to 'see you alright' in their will.

Judging by your comments, obviously, YOU do not, "know that," and that is a fact 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

I reiterate, its her money, her choice, end of.

I don’t think you sound bitchy at all.

It just doesn’t make sense without a back story.

You’ve said she’s even offered you money but hasn’t given it to you - I would be asking her why and getting to the bottom of it.

When going out to eat, I would say I don’t have the money and ask her to pay because she’s got so much more disposable income.

This doesn’t sound like a mother - daughter relationship at all.

I can’t work out if you’re too proud to ask for help or she’s too selfish/oblivious to give it.

If my parent was a millionaire, I would not expect to be struggling financially and I would rather go NC than have her watch me struggle and not do anything about it.

I think you should ask. Honestly I do. You never has so maybe she's never given it a thought. Maybe just a message to say you are struggling and would really appreciate some help but if she doesn't want to you understand (even if that's not quite true). You'll never know if you don't ask and there is nothing wrong with asking at all.

'Perhaps the "back story" is she wanted you to make your own way in the world. To build resilience, independence, aspirations, and have the immense satisfaction you did it yourself. So she knew you would always have those skills to take care of yourself. A priceless gift.'

Ha yes maybe she realised getting spoilt made her a self centred greedy cow and she didn't want the same for you op.

Seriously next time you're lunching do some reminiscing and ask about Granny and Grandad and the gifted properties then say 'lunch on you today?'.

She doesn’t sound nice at all. 💐

I wonder whether she’d consider directly helping her grandchildren, I.e., if one of your children wants to do an activity that you can’t afford, you could ask whether she’d consider funding it?

Some (self-centered) people do need a nudge to think about others. My elderly Dad is fairly tight-fisted, but he has paid for things for his grandchildren, it gives him pleasure.

Perhaps, but it seems incredibly cruel to not help with heat during the winter and perhaps be a little generous when you can. For example if she were visiting she could bring groceries or buy other useful things.

In that case you need to ask her directly. Only you know the truth but I find very odd you are so different to her. Unless you are off the will you should get quite a lot of the estate so I would not say anything nasty but just have a nice conversation.

Why do you think she is so tight with you?

Sorry Op but your mum sounds horrible ! I have an average salary but still intend to help out my DC cos they’re my flesh & blood and I want them to be comfortable & secure!

My 3 all gave a savings account that was opened at birth. A small monthly amount was saved plus cash gifts from relatives over the years. Not a massive amount but I have just bought & insured cheap cars for my 18 yr old twins. They have a couple of thousand left which will help them when they move out I though most parents did this to some extent even if it was just a few hundred pound for driving lessons , first holiday or whatever!

Couldn’t imagine being proper wealthy and not sharing with my family! Extremely mean! Most of us enjoy being generous with our loved ones!

OP, I think it's really mean. One of my greatest pleasures is treating my DC (late teens) the idea of them going without whilst I lived in the lap of luxury is beyond me.

So not exactly the same experience but I can relate to the sentiment, OP.

My parents didn’t inherit wealth but they both had extremely well paid jobs and lots of time off during the year, only to spend through it all and end up with nothing by retirement age bar their (crumbling) house.

I’ve never had a penny, not for uni, wedding, house deposit, nothing. And they have the cheek to ask why I don’t live in central London with my husband and kids.

The only upside is that my own kids have bank accounts from birth, and no one but them can ever withdraw the funds!