Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

[Richparentpoorchild]

I’d be very interested to hear what people make of this. My Mum is worth a few million quid. My husband and I, and our children are on the breadline and have been for at least 15 years.

We have no extra money for treats or holidays or anything nice. At Christmas, I sell things on eBay to make some money, so that I can buy family members Christmas presents. We never put the heating on because we just can’t afford it.

My Mum on the other hand, has several luxury holidays a year, always flying business class. She lives in a huge mansion and wants for nothing. I think at the last count she had eight properties. Some of these were gifted to her, from her rich parents.

I know that I don’t need to ask this really, because I know that it’s weird that she doesn’t offer any help to me, but what does everybody make of this?

I am now 56 years old, and she is almost 80. She is fighting fit healthwise and all of the women in the family live until about 100 years old, so whilst I will inherit, I will most likely be in my 70s at that time, which is not really when I’m going to need the money .

If it was you, in her position, do you think you would do something now to help me? I am on the bones of my arse.

we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half.

She has a boyfriend who she treats a lot,

I can't understand your mum at all.

I'd always help my kids out if I could afford it (unless they got themselves into debt through their own recklessness).

There is no "back story". I won't be asking her for any money. There have been a few occasions when she has said that she's going to give me money for X, and then it never happens. One time she offered to help with a large purchase, then when the time came, she said she had changed her mind and invested the money elsewhere. So there's no way I am ever asking her for anything (and not have I ever).

This post was just to see how others would feel in my shoes. There aren't any solutions. She does talk about her wealth quite a lot, which is rather annoying too. She has been known to spend our monthly food shopping budget on one night out for dinner and cocktails. She then talks about this, and will even say that she has spent on one meal what we probably spend in a month on food. Doesn't say it in a sneery way, but blimey, she doesn't read the room.

I know I sound bitchy. I don't mean to. It's just all a bit baffling.

I think I'd say something about her comments around spending. She's either completely tone deaf or is doing this deliberately.

Was she a shitty parent when you were young because she sounds like one now. I don't know many genuinely loving parents who would offer nothing to a child struggling financially if they were able to help.

Haven't read the whole thread but I can't begin to understand this attitude from your mum. DH and I own a house that has proved to be a great investment and plan to sell it and downsize when the kids are adults, giving the kids a bit of money to help them on the ladder themselves.

To be honest, I don't really WANT to sell our house - I love where we live. But I couldn't be happy knowing they were struggling while I swanned around with extra bedrooms no longer being used!

I do think different families have different attitudes. My parents did similar and helped me out financially by helping me with a deposit on a flat, whereas DH's parents haven't given him a bean since he started at uni, even though though they had the means to! At one point his clothes were hanging off him because he couldn't afford much to eat...not very nice and I can't see why people have this attitude towards adult children. They are still your children - help them if you can!

I actually think some people forget how lucky they are/were and also, have no understanding of what it's like to be raising a family now. Perhaps your mum is one of them.

Also, a lot of the older generation are the first people in the family to ever "have money". I know my parents and in laws, aunts and uncles, are the first generation to have assets of any description (and these have all been acculumated in the past 20 years since their children left home). They have a huge saving mentality because they just never had the money they needed in the past, if that makes sense. (Although I know that doesn't apply to your mum because she inherited herself.)

That being said, I do think she's mean not to share what she has with you.

TBH your mother sounds horrible and selfish. I would never do this and neither would my mother. How incredibly selfish. She must not realize how much you are struggling to say such stupid things like that. If I were you I would just be honest with her and explain your situation. Perhaps she could at least stop saying such stupid things to you. Or perhaps she would get some sense and offer to help a little.

Do you think she thinks that you are poor because of the decisions you've made? For example if you've chosen a really poor paying creative job maybe she thinks you've chosen to be in the situation you are so that means she doesn't feel any compulsion to help you. I guess there could be lots of reasons why she doesn't help though.

If she was describing you to someone, what reason would she give if she was telling them about why you were struggling for money?

Definitely talk to her op, she may just be clueless or there might be something you need to talk about x

I posted upthread about my mum being the same. She does the same to us, many many years ago one of my siblings was in a pretty desperate position, had been made redundant, husband working minimum wage, large mortgage etc. My mum would suggest perhaps she could help out, give my sibling some money etc and then never did.

Like you I would never ask her for money. Thankfully I don't need it now but even when I did she would be the last person I would ask. It is not as simple as the posters saying "just ask her".

Once when I was in a shop (and doing well at the time) I wanted to buy something but realised I did not have my purse with me. I asked her to buy it for me and I would transfer the money to her but she refused.

I can’t imagine treating my dc like this. Whatever choices we make in our own lives that affect our jobs and income, if my dc needed help and I had the means, I wouldn’t hesitate.

There is always a back story, life isn't as simple as she has loads of money and should be sharing the wealth while you contribute nothing to the arrangement.

She is your mum you must know why she doesn't help you out if you are struggling and it is likely to be disagreeing with your life choices that got you where you are today. Some of those might feel, or actually be unfair.

If you can't be honest here, I hope you at least are being honest with yourself, you do know why.

What was your relationship growing up? To ne it sounds more of a dire case of sibling rivalry (e.g.one sister flashing wealth to another to conpensate for some childhood grievances) , rather than anything remotely looking like mother-daughter.

I don’t get this either.
We are comfortable and we would def help out DCs to get started in life (they are both at uni and we pay their rent), although they will have to get jobs before we start helping them with rent if needed.
If lucky enough to be a grandma I’d def treat the GCs etc. I benefitted from inheritance as my parents died young. I always pay for meals if our w DC etc (DS is fairly well off for a student as he work for a year but I’d rather his money was used for his future).

Your mother sounds awful OP, not surprised you are annoyed. Anyone who goes on about their wealth even without your particular circumstances - 🤢.

OP - when she says thoughtless things like how much she's spent on dinner vs your monthly food budget, do you speak up?

The "when you say x, I feel y" formula is your friend here as it helps avoid making assertions about other people which they can then dispute eg "that's a thoughtless thing to say" which then easily leads to retorts such as "I can say what I like" etc.

So, "When you say that, it makes me feel sad" as a super simple example (the more accurate the description of the feeling you can pin down, the better). There is nothing there that anyone can argue with as your feelings are your truth.

I agree with a PP that there is something very odd going on with your mum's psychology which may not be to do with your relationship but rather something else she is living out through that relationship. The need to vaunt her superiority over you is utterly bizarre - one wouldn't say that soet of thing to strangers, let alone one's kin, so crass and insensitive is it - so there's obviously some weird motor driving it in her. It isn't your job to puzzle this out nor to fix it, but sometimes I find comfort in knowing that I am actually just a proxy for someone else in an interaction and it's playing out with me as a stand-in for them. It helps me remember it isn't necessarily about me and that makes me feel better.

No, there really does not need to be a back story.

My mum is exactly the same. Now thankfully we do not need her help as we all have very good jobs. Especially one of my sisters (£250k per annum type job). However, this has not always been the case. Since the age of 16 we have had no financial help. Even at times when desperately needed no help was offered. I think many moons ago my brother had a loan for a house deposit but had to pay it back with interest.

Of course there is a back story. You are just not revealing it so you get people on your side.

I would have to ask her, if I was you. She sounds awful.
I'd have to say what you've said to us - Mum, I'm curious as to why you've made such a point of not helping me out when things have been bad. Is it on principle or have I done something that makes you not want to help?

And then 'okay, thanks. I can't imagine seeing my own kids miserable when i had it in my power to make things a bit less so, and that's why I asked.'

I suppose you risk her cutting you out of the will in rage, though.

@Richparentpoorchild it must feel very hurtful.
She must be very self centred.

My most generous interpretation of OP’s mother is that she is indelibly entitled and has never once in her life been expected to share, so it’s an alien concept to her and probably hasn’t even crossed her mind.

What sort of Christmas / birthday gifts do you get, OP?

Perhaps the "back story" is she wanted you to make your own way in the world. To build resilience, independence, aspirations, and have the immense satisfaction you did it yourself. So she knew you would always have those skills to take care of yourself. A priceless gift.

And it succeeded.

From now on: "Sounds like you had a great night out but can we talk about something else as it's not something we're in the position of being able to do at the moment." "Sorry Mum, can't come out for lunch, I just can't afford it at the moment - you're welcome to come and have a sandwich at mine and spend some time with your grandkids, they'd love to see you." "I'm glad you enjoyed your trip, we're saving for a holiday at the moment, we're hoping to get away next year if we have no unforeseen expenses." "We're giving handmade gifts this year as Christmas has become so expensive." "I'd love to be able to see you more Mum but I can't afford the extra petrol this month."
She'd have to have skin thicker than a rhino not to be able to read the room after those replies.

im a mother to two kids (6 year old and 3 month old) and I’m already thinking about how I can help them financially when they grow up. Did you live quite comfortably when you were young? What happened when you grow up?

Perhaps the mum is a miser, an exceptionally selfish person, tone deaf and a narcissist. That could be the back story.

I don't think you sound like a bitch. Family help each other out. I can't imagine sitting on millions, having several home and loads of holidays while my child and grandchildren struggled to get by.

I'm sure you won't but when it does become your time to inherit remember what this time felt like and help out your children.