Rich parent doesn’t help very poor (adult) child

[Richparentpoorchild]

I’d be very interested to hear what people make of this. My Mum is worth a few million quid. My husband and I, and our children are on the breadline and have been for at least 15 years.

We have no extra money for treats or holidays or anything nice. At Christmas, I sell things on eBay to make some money, so that I can buy family members Christmas presents. We never put the heating on because we just can’t afford it.

My Mum on the other hand, has several luxury holidays a year, always flying business class. She lives in a huge mansion and wants for nothing. I think at the last count she had eight properties. Some of these were gifted to her, from her rich parents.

I know that I don’t need to ask this really, because I know that it’s weird that she doesn’t offer any help to me, but what does everybody make of this?

I am now 56 years old, and she is almost 80. She is fighting fit healthwise and all of the women in the family live until about 100 years old, so whilst I will inherit, I will most likely be in my 70s at that time, which is not really when I’m going to need the money .

If it was you, in her position, do you think you would do something now to help me? I am on the bones of my arse.

we go out for lunch now and then and she never treats me, I always have to pay my half.

She has a boyfriend who she treats a lot,

Bizarre behaviour from your mother, OP.

It sounds like she is either extremely stingy and selfish or she is somehow punishing you because she does not like some of your life choices.

Either ways I would keep my distance from her from now on.

It sounds she was very lucky to inherit wealth so she had not done any 'hard work' to be where she is and therefore is not in a position to judge anyone else's life...

The fact that she is generous with a boyfriend but not with her daughter and grandkids tells you everything you need to know about her character.

OP I would just tell her that you can no longer afford to go out for lunch with her because of the cost of living crisis and you want to focus on keeping the money to feed your family.

That might break through her fog of self-indulgence but I doubt it.

Yeah. Or maybe she doesn't approve of OP's life choices.
All of your problems are self-created OP. You choose a low paid profession. You married a man with 4 children who doesn't earn much himself, later in life. Or maybe he does, but pays 'a lot in child support'. You say they're 'your' children but if he pays so much then they should be living with their mum more, not you. So what do you have to even pay for?

What did you expect to happen really?

If you worked a minimum wage caring job, there are lots of these all around the country. Nothing stopping you from moving there and being comfortable.

I mean, maybe you made such choices because your mother seems cold and uncaring but I have very little sympathy for you really.

Also I'm not sure what 'family members' you're buying presents for. If you can't afford it, then just don't.

If you were lazy/ on benefits/had a drug problem/ had been ungrateful towards her/.. i would understand. But you‘re doing an important and badly paid job if you work in care and i think your mum is a selfish and uncaring parent.

My parents are also 70 and nowhere as rich as your mum, but they‘ve offered financial aid to DB and I to buy a house without bank involvement and my father has recently inherited a low 7 figure amount in form of a farm and he‘s basically planning on giving it to his kids as soon as possible (bit difficult due to local laws and taxes, non UK) and DH and I are planning on saving it for our kids as we are financially secure already! That is how normal parents look out for their kids..

I don't understand people like your mother. I find her behaviour despicably selfish. Why would you have kids if you don't want to give them the very best the world can offer?

For all that, I don't expect there is much you can do to change her. The only thing that you can do is speak to her directly. Tell her how much you are struggling. Explain exactly what would help and ask her if she will give it to you. I would do this because then you will truly have your answer - if she says no, you will know for sure that her not helping is a choice and not ignorance.

If she won't help you after a frank conversation then I truly think the only way forward is for you to come to terms with this. It will be a case of the only thing you can change going forward is your own mindset, to a point where you simply accept that you cannot expect anything from her - a sort of inverted disowning! That seems wildly unfair, but if she won't change, there is no value in bitterness or regret, as utterly understandable and, honestly, justified those feelings are. Distance yourself - don't go out for lunch with her and be very clear it's because you can't afford it. Etc.

I'm all for independent living and helping yourself, but you are on different economic levels.

I would definitely help my child out if I was able, I would probably sign over a few properties for you now and put some money in your bank and pay for a holiday.

I just couldn't be so mean.

"Dad has passed away and anything he had went to Mum, I don't think he even had a will."

You ought to check this out. No will (depending on where you live in the UK) can mean you should have inherited. If they had multiple homes, in some countries of the UK, the widow gets the family home and the other goes to the children.

You need to first of all find out if he died testate or intestate. But it makes no difference regarding rights. You cannot disinherit children, even with a will (again, the actual details and percentages depend on the country of the UK).

It seems at odds with what wealthy parents normally do - they do everything to help their children become wealthy.

my own family were not financially successful until I was an adult. They helped us get back on our feet when my DH was made redundant during the recession. we wouldn’t be as financially comfortable as we are now without this help.

We don’t need help now but they would always bring us out for dinner or bring us away for the weekend - extra stuff. My DH’s family have only enough but they always offered to help us out with big expenses- like buying a house. I will always give my kids an extra helping hand.

I think I agree with most of this. You made the choice to stay in a minimum paid job which obviously comes with the downside of not paying particularly well. That’s your choice but the consequence is also yours to deal with.

Having said that, in your mother’s position I would have helped you financially but I would have been a bit unimpressed if you didn’t use that help to improve your lot in life.

Well they do, true, but they usually have a heavy influence in the kids' future professions. Expect them to go to university, enter a well-paid profession, etc,
OP left home at 16 and worked.
It all sounds very strange.

Something a bit weird going on here.

Does she not like you?

Having millions and millions and not having given you a penny since you were 16 is totally weird.

I mean having millions and millions and loads of houses, I'd have expected her to buy you a house. Not a lavish one, just a normal one, as you need to pay the bills etc and lavish houses have ridiculous bills.

Why would she sit on all that money?

On the face of it it would be nice if she was generous financially, but you're a 56 year old woman. You've had loads of time to earn money. It sounds like you've made choices that have resulted in your financial position- minimum wage job, marrying a man with 4 dc and then having your own. Does your mum think you've made irresponsible choices?

Why are you in this impoverished position. Perhaps your mum doesn't approve of your choices and won't subsidise an adult who has a partner and a family of her own. Presumably you have had quite a privileged upbringing.

I hope no one else has suggested this, but-
most rich people hate HMRC, hate paying taxes & constantly look for ways to minimise their tax burden. ( I give you Angela Rayner!)
Unless she is absolutely clueless about this, and from the sounds off it, I doubt she is, appeal to any aversion she has for paying taxes.
suggest you meet with her & her accountant and discuss estate planning.
the worst possible thing she could do is to leave her estate as is. 40% of her assets will go right to HMRC
if she does some pre-planning on this, including passing monies to her children before her death, HMRC gets less.
A thought?

All the people criticising the OP’s Mum - she’s really not that bad. OP says she isn’t struggling to pay bills, she just can’t afford take aways or holidays. That’s not unusual for someone who left school at 16, has had children and step children and has never tried to progress out of a minimum wage job.

It could be that the mum hasn’t realised how much cost of living has affected OP.

Maybe it just hasn’t occurred to her that she could pass down wealth early and she knows OP will be ok in the end because she will inherit.

While it would be kind of a well off mum to treat her daughter, we don’t really know the extent of her finances. Maybe she’s one of those asset rich/cash poor people and her rich boyfriend pays for the holidays.

Yes I’m wondering if your mother is just oblivious. Too absorbed in her own life to think of others and maybe thinking you are perfectly ok leading your own life with your family and home and job in your 50s.

This is awful op . Particularly as the tight dm was gifted property from her parents when they were alive so tightness obviously doesn't run in the family.

I'd ask her outright 'mum, when you were given extravagant assistance financially from your parents when they were alive why do I have to pay for my own lunch and why do you never think of treating us money wise like you were treated?'

Some of this doesn't make sense. I am slightly older than OP, but began renting at approx the same time. Rentals were reasonably cheap then, especially in a shared house (of which there were many) and didn't require huge deposits (a month in advance max). It wasn't really hard to save a deposit to buy if you were so inclined.

Also properties were very much cheaper to buy, and banks were offering 95% mortgages and more - hence some people ending up in negative equity.

So yes, OP, maybe your mother thinks you made poor choices and doesn't see why she sould bail you out. Did she approve of you leaving school at 16? Let me take a wild guess that she forced you to and made you move out.....?

This seems really odd. I would just ask if you feel you need some money.....for example to be able to turn the heating on during the winter. I cannot see how a wealthy parent would say no to this. Maybe she does not realise how bad off you are?

My mother always offers to help (even though we are doing okay)....but she likes to pay for things or give money to the grandkids etc. I don't ask for it, she just does it. But if I was not able to afford things like heating, I would def ask for help during the winter months at least!

OPs mum can give everything to charity and avoid a lot of tax.
You would be surprised of numer of people who pick this over giving to their own children.

You could be talking about my Mum.

Thankfully me and my siblings have ended up doing very well (especially one of my sisters) but there have been times when we have all really struggled and have never received any help, like you since the age of 16.

She has siblings herself who are not wealthy and have really struggled over the years and has never offered any help financially to them when she easily could afford it. I remember they all got an inheritance, Mum didn't need a penny of it but took her share. I found this particularly distasteful because her other siblings at the time really needed some financial help. I know if that were me I would have split my share amongst my siblings.

All of my siblings are the opposite and very generous and we find my mothers attitude around money very bizarre and selfish. But I know people will say it's her money she can do what she likes with it, but I couldn't be like that personally.

I’ve not read all the posts but all you updates.

have you not considered asking her? Not to borrow money but why she hasn’t ever helped if she can see. Then you may understand her reasoning.

and you’re by no means in the breadline. Many of us not on minimum wage have the heating off, don’t have holidays or any luxuries.

You are making a lot of assumptions here aren't you? Nowhere in the post has OP said her mother is selfish, greedy toxic and narcissistic either.

Like I said, I personally would help my DC but people that assume that their parents should share their wealth irk me. I mean the OP has basically said her mother hasn't even bought her lunch. Like, just because her mothers minted why should she be expected to pay for the lunch? Maybe OP's mum doesn't offer to pay for lunch as she's worried OP will get offended. I mean OP hasn't asked for a penny since she was 16 apparently. Maybe the mother thinks OP doesn't want any help and offering her money / paying for holidays would be rubbing it in her face or seen as trying to control her.

There's 2 sides to every story after all. OP seems to have not asked her mother her side, or is neglecting to mention some kind of back story.

Yes OP it sounds odd that your mum doesn't offer any financial help.

I think you have little to lose by being blunt and saying to your mother "Would you consider gifting me a bit of my inheritance early - it would really help to reduce our mortgage/have some savings before the kids go to uni etc" but it she say's "What inheritance I'm leaving it to the cat's home" then nothing you can do.

Any chance her being gifted all she was made her feel that she lost out on a sense of achievement or pride at her accomplishments, and she's trying not to do the same to you?

I'm fully in favour of their money, their choice but, if she's got as much as you say she does, maybe ask if she might help out with something? Maybe she doesn't realise how much you're struggling?

Or maybe she has other reasons you don't know.

She is horrible and selfish.
especially given that she was helped by your grandparents when they were alive.
sorry I would drastically reduce contact with her.
she can swim in her money and eat it