Mother in law thinks I’m ugly

[DazedNotConfused1]

My mother in law has never outright said I am ugly, but she has never paid me any compliment on my appearance either. Conversely, she will constantly say how handsome her son (my DH) is and how beautiful her daughter is. I’m starting to believe she thinks I am not attractive at all and not good enough for her son.

Whenever I see MIL, I make sure to give her a compliment eg. “you look nice”, “I like your hair!”, “lovely bag” etc you get the gist as I genuinely do feel she looks good, and if she puts herself down I will say “no you always look good!” So she has plenty of opportunity to say something nice about me in return but NEVER has. I don’t want it to bother me but it does. She has complimented my DD saying how pretty they are, but whenever someone says my DS looks like me she looks uncomfortable and doesn’t comment. People say my DD looks like her father.

Is this just normal MIL behaviour? Has your MIL ever said anything nice about your appearance?

And yes before anyone says I know there are more important things than looks, but personally I would like to be thought of positively and not as someone who is bringing down their family’s attractiveness!

Am I being unreasonable in thinking my MIL must think I’m ugly?

I haven’t RTFT; however I agree with the PPs who think your MIL simply hasn’t got past believing she produced The Most Beautiful Baby Ever. DD resembles him so she can share the compliments. If DS resembles you then any compliments to him threaten this belief.

You are not genetically related to her so your looks are of no interest to her.

My late MIL was a wonderful woman who never commented on anyone’s looks in all the time I knew her. She would have thought it ill bred. You are making me very glad of that

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

my comprehension is just fine thanks. Perhaps you need to be clearer 🙄

OK, OP, the thing with the photos was cruel and wrong.

I would stop paying her compliments

So I am confused.

• she has never said you are ugly or said anything bad about your appearance
• she praises your parenting/mothering
• according to your DH she tells other people nice things about you.

But because you think looks are important in society and to you you want her to specifically return your compliments about her appearance? Do I have this right?

So let’s imagine a scenario she told you ‘god you are so stunning’ and then told the whole world ‘my DIL is very beautiful but spends too much time on her looks and none on her children. And is a really dull person.’
Would that make you feel better?

And maybe she doesn’t think you are beautiful? I am very very fond of my MIL. I don’t think she’s beautiful in a conventional way and I have never ever complimented her on her appearance. We get along really well and I am quite close to her…

I have a stunningly beautiful colleague. She’s not a nice person. So I often tell her ‘oh that dress is lovely’ or ‘your hair looks amazing’ (and these are sincere) but I don’t actually like her personality or her very much.

My mother in law has never once commented on my appearance or looks. She has zero interest - and zero interest in her own looks either. And good for her. She does, though, think my dh is the most intelligent person alive, and likes to repeat ad nauseam that he was the cleverest boy at school. So she’s normal in some respects! And blood is most certainly thicker than water and it’s natural they will be more interested in grandkids and their kids than us. My fil will go out of his way to offer dh and my kids an apple/ cup of tea etc etc and will anyways forget me. Only been with his son 28 years! He’s just a bit socially inept. People are funny. Families are funny. If my mil was fashion conscious and looks obsessed, though, I would find it odd that she had never commented on a single item worn/ haircut etc. Odd but it would not bother me. Because again, people can be weird - who cares!

My MIL used to either tell me to stand aside in family photos or edit them to remove me. I am not ugly; my DH and sons think I'm beautiful, so I don't care what MIL thinks. Her overall attitude towards me stinks and always has done(but I suspect she'd be the same with anyone who was married to my DH, what with him being the best-looking, most successful and kindest of her sons 😉). Stop seeking her approval, and don't beat yourself up.

@RebelWithCause what did your DH say about that?

If I met my future MIL and she commented on my looks I would be massively weirded out. So it’s your mother commenting on your ‘handsome husband’ who is being a bit weird.

1. why do you care what she thinks of you?
2. I'd also wager she's jealous and a narcissist and can't bear the thought of you taking her son away so of course she'll shit on you
3. My MIL called me ugly behind my back. I let her have it and went NC. "Well, I'm not that ugly when your son cums on my face"

I mean that's your insecurities talking. Not the comments.

CremeBruleeLove, It's not really. I'm a very private person and I don't like personal comments. That doesn't make me insecure and you're not really qualified to judge either.

My MIL has only ever complimented me on my little ears, it makes me and dh laugh so much. "Well yes, I suppose she does have lovely little ears.."

This post got fouler and fouler with every bullet 😳

Such an odd thing to pick to compliment out of everything 😂

What am I reading???

i know I'm good looking and that my MIL really likes me but as doesn't comment on my looks. I'd be chilled about it

This doesn't make you look anywhere near as good as you think it does 🤮

Forty-one years and still waiting for ONE pleasant comment from MIL. Have given up tbh.

Wow. Youre that focused and it’s that important to you? Goodness. I guess she’s not aware how important her validation is to you? The question is why is it?

And as for bullet 3 I really do not think that particular situation would be a pretty moment.

Bullet 1 and bullet 3 totally contradict each other and bullet 2 is just utter ick.

She sounds jealous because you 'have' her precious son. Do you have parents of your own you can laugh about it with? Don't compliment her all the time, she'll enjoy the power...and don't let her in your house without you being there. She'll be through your knicker drawers faster than a 14 year old babysitter.

I really hate this pop psychology view that anyone who is rude, mean, or self-centred is a narcissist. Everyone has some narcissistic traits, and many people are unpleasant or even abusive without being narcissists. Narcissistic personality disorder is a clinical diagnosis, and is very complex and should not be applied to people unless you are a Psychologist or have been a victim of Narcissistic Abuse which has clearly defined features.

Aside from that, it could be your MIL doesn’t like your appearance and I understand why that would bother you. Do you think you’re attractive? Because often our own insecurities can make us attach ideas to people’s behaviour that aren’t really there. For what it’s worth, I have BDD but I still wouldn’t expect my MIL to comment on my appearance one way or another. My exes mother never did, and I never gave it a thought. I would stop complimenting your MIL’s appearance though, as it’s probably clear you are fishing for compliments which is a bit much. You could discuss your feelings with your husband, it doesn’t matter if your problems might be seen as strange, we should all be able to share all our worries with our partners.

I am a MIL and my daughter in law is gorgeous, but I am not sure I have ever said as much! I will next time I see her! I wouldn’t read too much into this. We all think our sons are adorable, (but I would never say so!) and of course we can see the likeness between our grandchildren and their dads, because we can remember our sons as kiddies. Unless you have other issues with your mil, I would let this go. Some people find it really easy to dish out compliments, others not so. Please do not let this upset you.

She might think you are very attractive and that's why she never says anything nice some people are like that when ever they feel insecure especially mothers in law , but I would treat her the same I used to be kind when I was younger now I treat as treated with respect of course but if she doesn't say anything nice I wouldn't either .

Same! I know she hates my tattoos though so it's probably for the best 😂