Mother in law thinks I’m ugly

[DazedNotConfused1]

My mother in law has never outright said I am ugly, but she has never paid me any compliment on my appearance either. Conversely, she will constantly say how handsome her son (my DH) is and how beautiful her daughter is. I’m starting to believe she thinks I am not attractive at all and not good enough for her son.

Whenever I see MIL, I make sure to give her a compliment eg. “you look nice”, “I like your hair!”, “lovely bag” etc you get the gist as I genuinely do feel she looks good, and if she puts herself down I will say “no you always look good!” So she has plenty of opportunity to say something nice about me in return but NEVER has. I don’t want it to bother me but it does. She has complimented my DD saying how pretty they are, but whenever someone says my DS looks like me she looks uncomfortable and doesn’t comment. People say my DD looks like her father.

Is this just normal MIL behaviour? Has your MIL ever said anything nice about your appearance?

And yes before anyone says I know there are more important things than looks, but personally I would like to be thought of positively and not as someone who is bringing down their family’s attractiveness!

Am I being unreasonable in thinking my MIL must think I’m ugly?

If my DH wasn’t the only son I would have asked if we had the same MIL!

Mine is terrible, a couple of examples:
: We don’t see them very often but travelled to stay with them for the weekend, I went to get my hair done for an evening wedding we were going to and she looked at me and said ‘is it how you wanted? Well as long as it’s how you wanted’. Would it have killed her to say your hair looks nice lol!
: My DH took his youngest sisters out for a drink in a swanky rooftop bar in central London. His Mum then picks them up and said to him ‘what’s it like to be out with such gorgeous girls?’, hubby was like ‘well I’m out with x[me] all the time’ and she then went on the say ‘yes but two gorgeous girls’. I had been at the drinks too lol!
: At our wedding, MIL didn’t complement my DH or I once - how we looked or that she was happy for us. Instead she was announcing to us and every other guest how proud she was the SIL had just graduated with a first in biomedical science. People arriving from my side for the wedding actually thought she was DHs aunt not his mum!

If it’s any consolation, my conclusions of my MIL is that she is just very self absorbed and lacks any empathy/social niceties. I suspect ND but obviously not my place to diagnose.

Needless to say it does make you feel uncomfortable, ignore all the comment you’re getting to get over yourself. If you haven’t been in that situation they don’t actually know and I don’t think even the strongest self absorbed characters could not let it impact them.

I know this because my MIL also had a go at us recently for not praising her enough (even though she doesn’t give any back to DH, in fact his job and life isn’t important or anything to praise from their end)! She really needs hourly praise and my SILs can naturally manage her, my husbands now got a reminder in his phone on a fortnightly basis to praise his mum! You know because we have very stressful and demanding 50 hours plus jobs and my Mum is has a terminal illness, so it’s not at the top of our list of things to do! I’d say it’s because she is retired and bored but she hasn’t retired. I’m actually worried what it will turn into when she does!

I wouldn’t challenge her on it, especially if ND as they can’t actually understand what they do. I’m now having counselling and would recommend. Make sure your DH pays!

I'd stop complimenting your mil's appearance if I were you. Why should you bother? Just focus on what people have done. "Nice to see you. Thanks for the card" etc.

Is it normal to comment on how beautiful someone is?

I find a lot of what the OP is saying really weird. I gave compliments about clothes - great dress/ love that coat etc. And I get compliments about my clothes. I've never told someone they are beautiful and other than someone with whom I'm in a relationship with I wouldn't want to be told that by anyone.

Agree with this wholeheartedly.

Whether the in laws find me physically attractive or not, is irrelevant and a complete non-topic. I don’t want to hear either insults or compliments, a neutral silence on the subject is the preference both ways.
They are just people randomly thrown into my life in the same way I am into theirs - we didn’t choose each other, we’re just here to rub along doing our best as extended families come into contact with each other through children / marriage etc.

What a strange thing to be fixated on.

I have no idea if my mother in law has ever complimented me or not. I’m not looking for compliments and tend not to notice.

My MIL rarely compliments anyone, let alone me! No idea what she thinks of my appearance, though she’s made her low opinion of me as a person well known. 😂

In all seriousness she’s probably just a bit narcissistic so praises her own children as it’s akin to praising herself. I wouldn’t worry about it.

This. What a completely bizarre OP.

@DazedNotConfused1 well there you go, that’s what your problem is. You were brought up to comment on people’s looks so you feel weird that someone isn’t recognising your looks. But the reality is the way we look only matters to us, most people don’t give a fuck. It’s incredibly sad that you’re teaching your DDs to only recognise your version of beauty and that you’re teaching them it’s ever acceptable to comment on how someone looks.

The majority of 'mums of boys' think NO woman is good enough for their little soldiers! Don't take it personally @DazedNotConfused1

Even if she does - so what?

You can’t change how you look.
You can’t change what your MIL thinks.

Stop giving this space in your head, there are much more important things to be thinking about, I guarantee you!

Yet so many of us saying looks are not important must count for something.

Everyone cannot be beautiful. Most of us recognise we will never be all that and live with that fact.

Yesterday I had compliments on my boots (no idea why but 5 people told me they loved my boots) yet no one mentioned my face, should I be offended? Or own the fact that I'll never be a beautiful woman.

@daisychain01 i had no idea it was rude to ask if someone was ok if they looked tired! I do this, out of real concern not in a way to make someone feel crap. I’ve been there with exhaustion and feeling like shit and having no one care so I always try to make sure that those I care about feel noticed. Having a bit of a panic I’ve been a rude cow for years now 😨

Yeah, you’ve been brought up with a focus on looks.

My ex’s mum used to say I looked like a doll and was perfect

Asking your partner what your MIL thought of you, and expecting a compliment on what you looked like is weird. Based on the quote from your ex’s mum, I think you’re just upset she hasn’t acknowledged your beauty, and because of how you were raised, you’re making the jump that if she hasn’t said anything, she must think you’re ugly,

Mine bought me a bag with "LAZY" written allover it.
I work full time, cook, do washing and earn more than her beloved son. Also, young children. But... he is included in all other tasks and has fair share of chores. So I am lazy for forcing a poor sod.

Commenting on your boots is a comment that you have great taste. It's a comment acknowledging something you have complete control over.

The OP's I don’t teach my children to not comment on looks. and
I don’t know, but I feel like I when I meet my children’s partners for the first time I would naturally say something about their looks to my child about them

is a very unhealthy attitude.

Been married to DH for 20 odd years, 3 kids. I don't think my MIL has ever commented on my appearance and I don't think I've ever commented on hers. This need for constant validation about how you look/dress is weird and needy.

Also can we please ban the word "narcissist" because it is used so frequently by people who don't know what it means, it's used for every sort of behaviour from someone being a wee bit rude in the supermarket upwards. Totally lost its meaning. The OP's MIL - from the description she gives - is not a narcissist.

@MereDintofPandiculation
Oh, for goodness' sake! Narcissism is a little more than failing to compliment your DIL on her looks.
I know right. People so overuse the term. They clearly have no idea

Only she only compliments the grandchild that looks like the dad. She never says anything nice about and looks uncomfortable when people compliment the one that looks like the OP

What a weird thread!! So she hasn't once said she thinks you're ugly then? She just compliments her own kids to the high heavens but not other adults?

You've admitted your own mother doesn't offer your DH compliments based on his looks, she just said he was handsome once when directly asked by you.

Stop complimenting her. It may have started out genuinely but you are now doing it in the hope of a compliment in return so she probably finds it very tiresome hearing your never ending commentary on her appearance. It's clearly not in her nature to comment on other people's other than her own kids' who are of course delightful to her.

Perhaps she doesn't think you're particularly gorgeous. So what? Are you?

I don't agree with PP and the all-too-frequent 'diagnoses' of narcissism on this site but honestly, just stop with the compliments on appearance, that's the least important thing about a person. I bandied around too often it just sounds fake and insincere.

Don't be validated on your appearance, not from people who really shouldn't be concerned with it.

And maybe she doesn't see the resemblance of the kid that looks like you?

And yes the narcissist spotters are out in force today!! Not returning compliments is not a clinical symptom of narcissistic personality disorder

It made me laugh. It’s not like anyone involved is listening, it’s just a funny aside

There is - me. My ex's wife died from breast cancer at 27 years old. I met him not long after and witnessed the all round grief.

The armchair pop-psychologist diagnosticians are out in force, I’d have said. If the OP is continually paying her MIL insincere compliments on her appearance in the hope of a response, maybe the MIL just isn’t playing ball, or is amused by the OP’s obviousness, rather than suffering from a psychiatric condition?

You are rude. I’ve repeatedly said my compliments are sincere.