Mother in law thinks I’m ugly

[DazedNotConfused1]

My mother in law has never outright said I am ugly, but she has never paid me any compliment on my appearance either. Conversely, she will constantly say how handsome her son (my DH) is and how beautiful her daughter is. I’m starting to believe she thinks I am not attractive at all and not good enough for her son.

Whenever I see MIL, I make sure to give her a compliment eg. “you look nice”, “I like your hair!”, “lovely bag” etc you get the gist as I genuinely do feel she looks good, and if she puts herself down I will say “no you always look good!” So she has plenty of opportunity to say something nice about me in return but NEVER has. I don’t want it to bother me but it does. She has complimented my DD saying how pretty they are, but whenever someone says my DS looks like me she looks uncomfortable and doesn’t comment. People say my DD looks like her father.

Is this just normal MIL behaviour? Has your MIL ever said anything nice about your appearance?

And yes before anyone says I know there are more important things than looks, but personally I would like to be thought of positively and not as someone who is bringing down their family’s attractiveness!

Am I being unreasonable in thinking my MIL must think I’m ugly?

Sounds more likely!

I can't imagine not complimenting my DIL when she is wearing something new which is really nice, or if she has dressed up for a night out etc. My mum will compliment my husband in the same circumstances, as I would her partner. It's genuine and nice.

My MIL is not one for compliments though, but it's just how she is and I don't assume she finds me ugly.

Oh she definitely sees it! She actually said “don’t worry! He’ll start to look more like DH as he grows” and yes, yeh don’t worry was said sympathetically

Please stop throwing this word about.

The OP does not describe a narcissist. At all.

Nobody should be talking about your child's appearance in front of them. If that's not what's happening then just ignore these pointed comments or just agree - and say that you can't see her in your husband at all...

Honestly, don't let this woman's lack of complimenting ruin the relationship altogether. Looks do not matter, they really don't.

I don't think it's odd that she's never commented on your looks at all.

What's odd is that she's constantly commenting on those of her son and granddaughter, really.

(BTW it's not great for girls to have their appearance focused on, even if the appraisal is positive. She'll start to believe she's her looks.)

Are you ugly though? I mean lots of us are ugly conventionally, doesn't mean anything really. It's just a biological trait.

I don't know anyone personally I'd say is ugly. Some people don't notice or mention someone's appearance. Some people are plainer than others I guess. I like to make an effort with my appearance but don't do it for external validation and rarely notice or care what others look like.

Hmm. That’s not good. Unless she thinks uou yourself look ugly? You prob missed it, but I asked earlier, how do you rate your appearance?

Well, I agree, but the OP also sounds very focused on her appearance, so it sounds as if there are lots of messages about the importance of looks floating about in this family.

your ML doesn’t think you’re ugly. Just because she hasn’t complimented you doesn’t mean a thing either way.

"I do actually really like my MIL And we get on well" - but not well enough, or surely you would have asked her? Do you worry what her answer might be?

"She has complimented my DD saying how pretty they are, but whenever someone says my DS looks like me she looks uncomfortable and doesn’t comment."

I think I'd be using that as my approach. This is her grandson, and it's hurting your confidence that she's singling you out, so what effect does it have on a child?

'MIL, I've noticed that you compliment everyone else on their looks, but never me. Fine, I can accept that you find my looks displeasing to you in some way. But lately I've noticed that whilst you call DD pretty to her face, and tell my husband he's handsome - you never do that to DS. In fact, I've noticed whenever someone says DS looks like me, you looks uncomfortable and say nothing. That I cannot accept - I will not have DS made to think he is unattractive because of his grandmother's behaviour. Now - how are we going deal with this from now on, before he notices your behaviour?'

Because just as you have noticed, DS will too. He might not have YET - so I'd really be making sure he never did. It has affected your self-confidence, don't let it affect his.

I think it's a big leap to go from the fact that she never comments on you appearance to her thinking that you are ugly.

Grapndparents often like to point out how much the baby looks like their own side of the family. I don't think that is a slight at the other side of the family.

My DIL is a beauty inside and out - I never tell her but I tell everyone else

All this fuss over compliments is silly tbh.

IME people that compliment others appearance all the time aren't doing it genuinely, it's usually because they are insecure and either doing it to be liked or fishing for reciprocal compliments.

I've had 2 MIL's. I am very attractive. Neither one has ever commented on this or my general appearance.

Do you think you are unattractive? Is it bothering you because you value being complimented; if not then I wouldn't think twice about her shallow behaviour. I definitely think the (OK, slightly hackneyed) Roald Dahl quote from The Twits about lovely thoughts making people look lovely is true. If you've been called a doll - ever - then I can't help thinking it's a Snow White situation!

If it helps you self assess, these are things I've noticed that can make people look less physically attractive, but few are a guarantee and all become insignificant in the face of lovely thoughts/ personality:

Weak chin
Bad teeth
Eyes too far apart or close together (Anya Taylor-Joy is a good example of an exception)
Bulgy eyes
Hooded eyes
Looking like you think everyone around you smells slightly of dog poo
Oblong shaped head
Small, ratty head

Or you could do a Golden Ratio test...

The doctor guy on the recent series of The Apprentice who said of himself that he was 'a bit of alright too' was the most deluded person ever IMO (eyes too close together and an overly-long, narrow face). Your MIL may be suffering from similar delusions.

My MIL - on my wedding day! - leaned in and said, “you’re the least attractive woman he’s dated but you’ve made him the happiest so I’m pleased for you both.”

er, thanks.

Who cares what she thinks? It’s your husband who married you!

I had three sons so was surrounded by males for 35 years, then along came the first wife to be. Followed by the second two years later. We had two weddings in 11 months. My DILs are amazing women, juggling far more than I had to do. Whenever they get a night out they do glam up and look gorgeous, and I tell them so, inside and out. When I sat in for a pregnancy scan and saw little prawns on the screen I was in awe.

My sons aren't on a pedestal, they can safely vent as can DILs.

Today's women are awesome.

It depends on the way you frame it in your op. Why would you post it here if you have issues with this forum? This is your second post criticising the forum on this thread, I have seen.

So may posters ignore all other details and the context of the post and reply with their own experiences. Almost like telling op something wrong with her to feel this way when those posters don't. In reality, people are emotional about a lot of things and you want validation at some level from the people they care about. A mother in law is like mother, hence the name. She sees her talking about every other member in one way excluding op, does not matter what that thing is being praised about, she feels excluded.
Not sure if people are biased and ignore details on purpose to be able to tell off a poster or they genuinely lack comprehension. I think it's the bias.

You can’t change her without a direct confrontation which would only send her into denial.

The only thing you can change is your reaction to it.

Look up ‘grey rock’ and learn to be one.

Perhaps you are better looking than her and she is jealous? Who knows…

Just ignore it. I would also stop complimenting her every time you see her. That’s not normal. It’s forced niceness and would make me feel weird like you were doing it to keep me on side but you were actually being disingenuous.

Stop trying so hard to be liked by her. Why does her thinking you are pretty matter?

Why would you give away your control on your emotions to your mother in law?

Find the trigger. Work on your self-esteem. The answers to this are within you.

If we don’t learn from our lessons and interactions with others…they will keep showing up until we do.

That's a good point.

RedPaisely
I don't agree; OP hasn't even remotely said that her mother in law is like a mother. Nor has she ever said that she's referred to the OP as 'ugly' so that's quite relelvant.

What other people think of you is none of your business. Jarring as that it, it's true. And no, seeking validation is a fool's errand; it's either given without soliciting or it has no value and I think you're projecting.

Fucking hell. That’s bad.