To want a shower one night a week. DH says I’m a c**t

[Hopingforbetterluck]

I’ve just had enough. WW3 started because we came back from holiday on Sunday, I’ve not had a chance to wash my hair since then, busy unpacking, washing, WFH, life with 2 small DC. Last night I wanted to have a shower and wash my hair and for DH to put tea in while I did that once the kids were in bed. Apparently I’m a twt, a c*t, a bitch. A real woman would have dinner on the table every night. He smashed around the kitchen making a sht tea as he put it.

He says I should be having a shower at lunch time while eldest DC is at nursery and youngest is asleep but I’ve worked overtime this week and not had chance not to mention the fact I’d rather have a shower at the start or end of the day. He says it’s my poor time management that’s caused this argument and me and my attitude can sleep on the sofa tonight. I’m just so heartbroken that my life has come to this. My dad and no other man in my life would ever dream of speaking to me like this yet this is who I’ve ended up with.

You can definitely afford to leave him.

When you're a working single parent to two kids, universal credit tops up your income. And your partner will have to pay child support. So once everything is sorted its likely that you'll be reasonably off. And I suspect that your earning power will increase once you're not tied to a man who is trying to limit you.

There would be a difficult month or two whilst you get settled and sort this all out. So, its helpful to either have a bit saved up or to stay with someone for a month or two whilst you get the financials sorted. Women's refuges are also set up to help support with this trapped feeling - they're free, clean, nice, well set up for kids and you can stay for a couple of months whilst you get new housing etc sorted. In most of them you have your own little flat whilst you're staying.

Contact without you there is harder to fix. Is he horrible to the kids? Or are you worried that he doesn't know how to look after them?

I feel so sad for you that this is your life.
of course you need to leave him. Your children will grow up with this otherwise. Find a way.

If a man ever spoke to me like that he would be history. He has lowered your self esteem so much that you are asking if you are being unreasonable. LTB!

Be quiet. When you have small children (who are not at school), sometimes there is so much to do while they're asleep that you prioritise that over yourself.

Lots of us (myself included) have husbands/partners who are willing to do their fair share so we can look after ourselves. But some of us (and I know some of these women) do not.

My DH wouldn't dream of saying I wasn't a real woman because dinner wasn't on the table when he got home from work. Mainly because that's a shocking attitude to have but also because I work, we have a small child, a dog etc. So some days dinner is on its way to being ready. Other days I haven't started. On some occasions it's his turn (he does work more and I do like cooking so dinner does sit more with me). Sometimes everything has gone wrong and pizza is on its way.

Aside from any of that, when you have long, curly hair (as I do), washing it in 5 minutes is NOT possible. It takes around 8 to do it properly, then there's the mammoth task of drying / styling afterwards.

So, to reiterate. Be quiet.

its Horrific that there are women who have read that OP and are berating the OP for not showering earlier. Nobody should EVER be treated like that by their partner no matter what they have done.

If not soon, when would be a good time to leave? When the children are slightly older and can do the cooking for him when they stay at his place? When they leave home and realise that you only stayed for them? When it escalates and he really hurts you/ them? When your Dad dies so he can take some of any inheritance that you get?

If you leave now how much do you really think he is going to want to spend time looking after the dc? Unless he gets another woman or has a very hands on mother he is probably not going to want to turn into Mr 50:50 man overnight.

Unless your father was also abusive to your mother he is unlikely to want this life for you. Get some advice, try to ensure you know about the financial situation regarding his income/ pension etc if possible.

Just go shower. I mean what happens if you just go shower? As if I hadn’t washed for a week I’d just be going.

No - but I understand the point being made. OP’s H came out with a sexist comment - she should have a meal on the table. I would have hit back with the same kind of attack as he needs to know just how stupid his comments are. Men who expect their wives to do all the cooking and housework AND also work are the lowest of the low. And in my view it’s perfectly reasonable to hit back with an equally sexist comment about how he’s not earning enough and isn’t a proper breadwinner.

These kind of men need to be left - but they also need their arse handing to them very loudly and clearly.

He's a bully and this is emotional abuse.

Can you consider a way to leave? You shouldn't stay with him. Next step might be violence. And what do your kids think when they hear this behaviour?
It's appalling.

It will only get worse. And it's possibly been going on for some time.
What you describe doesn't sound as if this is a one-off.
Has he been like this before?

Seriously?

Have you read the post?

Doesn't matter. It us a marital asset and you are entitled to half.

Get in touch with womens aid and get planning to leave.

He is an abusive bastard and it won't change. You are teaching your kids a very dangerous thing by staying.

My husband would only ever speak to me once like that

However, i wash my hair and have a shower every day it literally takes 5 minutes and I have a very busy life.

You're making excuses to stay with him.

Forget how it would affect your Dad (who's 80.)

The point is, this is no life for you or your kids.
What kind of role model is this?

You have been short sighted not to have the house in both your names, but that doesn't mean you would not get half or more if you divorce.

It's a joint asset and it doesn't matter that you aren't listed as a co-owner. Your marriage means you are.

It would break your dad's heart to think you were in trouble and you didn't come to him for help. Let him help.

He’s abusive to you - he doesn’t talk to anyone else like that does he!!!! He’s a bully and a twunt - your children will see this behaviour as normal - I left mine for my child - I didn’t want him to experience the shit I did. I feel angry on your hehalf - have you no family you can turn too? Contact women’s aid - look up the Freedom course - ready for free Lundy Bancroft - why does he do that - inside the mind of controlling men
-I used to think it was my responsibility when problems came and he turned abusive - he had my brain addled - you need to keep reading the threads on here on abuse - please know - It’s not you - the twunt will have you turned in knots and he wil escalate -
See a solicitor if you can afford it - some offer 30mins free advice.
Womens aid wil know local solicitors that specialise in this. 🌺

Good for you. Unless I wanted to go out with soaking wet hair, the overall process following the 5 minute shower takes a bit more time, if I've washed my hair.

YANBU regarding how he spoke to you - disgusting. You don’t deserve that, please don’t put up with it.

But remember single parents have to make dinner for everyone and shower…. There’s no one to help.

let me think…maybe he OH calls the OP a lazy cunt. Or starts ranting. Or bangs around. Just generally intimidating, demeaning and nasty. But hey… you’d be ok to just go and shower 🤷‍♂️

OP I think you could report this verbal abuse to the police and start building a picture. Or at least start keeping a diary. You need to speak to womens aid and maybe get legal advice.

If he is calling you those names he is abusive and it will only get worse.

If you are married why can’t you ask him to leave as he is the one being abusive to you?

Be strong. If he is like this to you it will be damaging your children. You need to find a way to end this where it doesn’t disadavantage you and the kids. Get some legal advice now. Do not leave those kids with him and move out for gods sake!! He can use that against you I’m sure.

You might need to show him the door as he is too stupid and horrible to find his own way there! C………t

You’re in a domestically abusive relationship, which is text book in the behaviour you’ve described and which is also text book in that it started around pregnancy. If you stay your self esteem will be slowly eroded to the point you’ll likely never leave, it will only get worse and worse, and there will be potentially life long consequences for your children, in terms of their attachment, emotional well-being and their own relationships as adults. For instance, if you have a girl she’ll be more likely to be tolerant of abuse in her own relationships, and if you have a boy he’ll be more likely to be a perpetrator of abuse. You might think you’re making a better choice to stay for the children but you’re not. If you want to try and leave then you need to google domestic abuse charity and your county to find local support. You also need to do the freedom programme as soon as possible. Please also approach your local housing team and be honest about your situation so you can explore what support might be available.

To those focusing on showering aspect more than on husband being aggressive, just replace shower with "lie down". Say, the wife would like to seat down and close her eyes for 5 minutes and gets yelled for that.

Shower is not the discussion point here

Oh dear God.

YABU for still being with the twat