To want a shower one night a week. DH says I’m a c**t

[Hopingforbetterluck]

I’ve just had enough. WW3 started because we came back from holiday on Sunday, I’ve not had a chance to wash my hair since then, busy unpacking, washing, WFH, life with 2 small DC. Last night I wanted to have a shower and wash my hair and for DH to put tea in while I did that once the kids were in bed. Apparently I’m a twt, a c*t, a bitch. A real woman would have dinner on the table every night. He smashed around the kitchen making a sht tea as he put it.

He says I should be having a shower at lunch time while eldest DC is at nursery and youngest is asleep but I’ve worked overtime this week and not had chance not to mention the fact I’d rather have a shower at the start or end of the day. He says it’s my poor time management that’s caused this argument and me and my attitude can sleep on the sofa tonight. I’m just so heartbroken that my life has come to this. My dad and no other man in my life would ever dream of speaking to me like this yet this is who I’ve ended up with.

If you're married then you'd be entitled to half the house, no matter who is on the deeds.

You could open a brand new bank account and call universal credit and state you have split from your husband and make a fresh claim as a single person with children and that you are making plans to leave an abusive relationship.

Stop doing anything for him. Collect passports and birth certificates and put them somewhere safe. Collect copies of all important and legal documents. Use your UC to see a solicitor (the first session is free) and she or he will let you know your options. And you do have options op!

Do not accept a life of servitude to this man. Get your kids away from him before they have the opportunity to turn into him.

Get your ducks in a row as they say.

Read the updates. She's showered quick. She wants to do a proper hair wash/dry and shave her legs.

Surely you can relate to wanting a proper shower rather than a quick in and out?

Surely NO ONE thinks YABU Op

?

Please make plans to leave. It won't get better. He's abusive. Why shouldn't he be making tea a couple of nights a week (regardless of the shower)? He's treating you terribly and it's scary.

This is domestic abuse, write down everything that is said or done to you. Record it if you can and get out of that situation. You are worth more and what your children are seeing is not healthy. I would get out of that situation. You're saying about not having money but there will be help for you financially.

You are worn out both physically and mentally as a result of this abuse. You need really close, regular and dependable support. Do you know any mums who have left abusive marriages- one of them could provide moral support. Google The Freedom Program- you will gain strength there. There’s free, confidential, safe, professional advice and practical support available from organisations run by women who have been there. They can help you gradually build up the strength and means to end this relationship. When you are stronger you will be able to step back and see what this treatment really says about his feelings for you and his children.

I feel you, OP. You‘ll always get woman on here telling you „why did you have kids with him in the first place?“

well they can be nice and claim to support equality womens rights.. right up to the point where they‘re asked to step up and suddenly you don’t recognize the man you married!

My husband would never say the things your husband said, it was nowhere close to that after our first baby but we had some real issues after baby 1 and (sufficient!) time alone to shower/shave etc is still an issue after baby 2. We talked a lot and DH was really stressed and even though he still annoys me by sending DC1 up to come get me when my shower takes more than 30 minutes, your other complaints like name calling are red flags unfortuneately..

He is an abusive bully. I don't get some of the "it's your fault for not being able to take a quick shower" comments. Fuck that.
Don't live like this, life is too short.

Not a surprise his behaviour has started since you've had children such a sad and familiar story.
Its not about a shower and You can leave op don't be trapped in this life because you can't see a way out there are ways . Good your sister is supportive and I'm sure your dad would be too rather than see you live like that.

There are two issues at play here:

1. If you 'don't have time' for a 5 minute shower then your priorities are very very wrong. Showering is basic hygiene and more important than working/unpacking bags/playing with children etc.
2. More importantly - your partner is an arsehole. Leave him.

I'm sure I echo many pp when I say - get in touch with Women's Aid. You can't live like this, and more importantly, make your children grow up in such a toxic environment. I do know what I'm talking about here. It will be hard but you will be supported and you will be glad you did it.

This. Stop choosing this.

Your dad would want you to be happy.

OP I'm so sorry. I understand just how hopeless it can feel.

There are lots of people and organisations out there who can help you. Women's Aid, Rights of Women, your.local Council. And plenty of women on here who will be happy to listen and support.

(Maybe AIBU is not the best place, though. It really doesn't matter how.often you wash your hair, ffs, when the issue is you have an abusive husband.)

How does this comment help?

jepp cliché the bastard right back and kick him out.

OP, I have been here.

You do have choices, they are hard but you need to consider the long term consequences of letting your DC grow up in this environment and the toll it's taking on you.

I would leave, leave and start a new life now. I can guarantee you he'll threaten wanting full time custody or 50/50 but he doesn't. At best he sounds like the majority of these assholes who only end up with EOW or (hopefully) supervised access.

Call women's aid.

That is typically when abuse starts. He is an abuser. Make an appointment with a solicitor. Do not let him know. Find out your options.

Yes, good stance in this case.

I know. The internalised misogyny sickens me.

It might take you 5 mins. Mine takes easily over an hour.

plus it’s actually healthier to not wash hair. Hair training is huge right now. Some people go a month without washing their hair. You have pops and shouldn’t be washing hair every other day.

This is awful. He is abusive. I haven't read everyone's replies, but I think Women's Aid could help you. This is terrible for you and for your children. I wish you the best of luck.

I’m sorry you are in this situation and you deserve better.
I can also appreciate the difference between a quick wash and a relaxing shower, and scraping your hair up and making it look acceptable until you have time to wash and deal with it (deep conditioning, blow drying, flat ironing whatever you like that makes you happy and feel good). Hair wash day for me is 1-2 hours minimum (it’s not washed often).
The point I’m making is self care is important. Your husband should joyfully help you carve out time for this, especially as you have been rushing around and haven’t been able to do so. This is a minimum relationship standard. You should not be abused for this. Please don’t let him treat you in this way. Sending love ❤️

Classy response. 🙄

Wtf?

I’m not sure why you haven’t had a chance for a shower but that’s irrelevant. If my DH spoke to me like that I’d be laying a new patio.

Tell him to fuck off you want a divorce. A real man would never speak to his wife like that.