Am I justified to be feeling really pissed off here?

[Runninggirls26]

DD is picked up from school 3 days a week by my FiL and 2 days a week by my DM. Last week my DM said she couldn’t pick up DD as she had a dental appointment. I asked DH if his dad could do it. He said it would be fine. I checked again and he said again his dad would be able to get DD.
No one picked my DD up today and after about 45 mins DH (who wfh) realised and went to get her. He’d forgotten to ask his dad. I’m upset that this happened even though she was fine and kept safe in the classroom. I’m now even more pissed off with DH because he said to me when I returned home from work “going forward can you ask my dad so to cut me out as the middle man or double check that I haven’t forgotten to ask him?” I feel he’s absolving himself of any responsibility and is suggesting it’s my fault. I’m also pissed off because he leaves everything for me to organise- all the kids’ appointments, clubs etc. and I do our son’s nursery drop off and pick up. This has just really fucked me off and I feel so fed up. But does he have a point?

It's the mental load that women carry. Your dh is of course unreasonable but socially men are conditioned this is woman's work.

YANBU. He's a parent too, and he should be learning from his mistakes, not thinking it absolves him from responsibility.

Keep treating him like a capable adult and he will learn.

I think NotTooOldPaul might just be actually bit too old to get it. Not wanting to sound ageist or sexist but if Paul really is a nearly 80 year old man then I'm not sure how relevant his comments are on a thread about school pick ups and the division of domestic labour between working parents in 2024.
"I walked home on my own age five, 73 years ago..." Oh well then! 😂

OP you're totally right to be pissed off. He's not the middle man, he's an equal parent and you should not be deemed responsible for managing all the domestic shit.

Your DH is in the wrong here and he needs to step up and take responsibility. But the point is relying on other people to do stuff like picking up from school needs organisation. They aren't paid childminders. But the irresponsible one here is your DH who didn't even bother to ask his Dad but said it was all arranged.

It's pointless comments like this that just makes me so mad. Obviously if two parents are working to pay their flipping bills they need help with school run. Grandparents Obviously have stepped in what the flip has that got to do with 'pick up your own kid'. Seriously are you OK?????

Parents are working to pay their bills like any hard working person does... honestly there's alot i really want to say to you right now but I'm going to save myself the worry of getting banned on here!!!!

That was my first thought too!

Your husband was not saying it was not his fault. It clearly was. The outcome was that your daughter was left waiting.

I hear your husband is alarmed, like you, and wanting to bomb proof the procedure so that DD has less chance of being left next time.

I can't see why either you or your DH can not bipass each other and arrange updates to the pickup in future.

ie. You are notified by DM and so contact FIL directly.
DH, if notified by FIL, can contact DM directly.

Your FIL and DM should also have each other's numbers incase they are in an accident etc and can not reach either of you.

...he leaves everything for me to organise...

Its him you should be having this conversation with, not Mumsnet.

Does it really matter if you do all the organising yourself? How much time does it take? Less time than worrying about if he's done what he said he'd do and running around picking up the pieces when it goes tits up.

So long as he pulls his weight elsewhere, does it matter.

PS why didn't you ask your FIL yourself in the first place?

Because they go to this thing called work.

I would be absolutely raging and your husband should apologise to your daughter.

i bet he doesn’t forget important things at work. Just his daughter. I would be really annoyed too.

I get all the stuff everyone is saying about sharing the load, but we live in the time of WhatsApp. New group DD pickup. Members: OP, DH, DM, FIL. DM “so sorry can’t do Tuesday, dentist LOL”. FIL “DW DM I can pick DD up, good luck with Dentist” Am I missing something?

They might not have a smart phone. Plenty don’t.

This bullshit “you should pick her up yourselves”. They have childcare in place, they both work full time and therefore have made arrangements that suits them and presumably the people that do the pick up.

It doesn’t matter wether they have grandparents picking up or a nanny, the DH took responsibility of finding alternative childcare and he fucked it up. This is not a question of if the OPs childcare arrangements are suitable to anyone but her family it’s a question of is her DH incompetent or a twat

This.

My DH does this. He is shite with life admin. But I don't cover for him. If he forgets to ask then he has to fix the mess.

Today is a great example. His parents pick DS up from school on Fridays but DH wants us to go straight out somewhere so we'll pick him up. I've asked if he's told his parents yet. He hasnt. So we'll see what happens at 3.30! I refuse to get involved

YANBU to feel pissed off and I think it's time for a talk with DH about the unequal division of DC mental load work and presumably other labour in the household.

Also, he asked you in future to ask his dad directly or double check he hasn't forgotten to ask him but you DID double check. You asked DH twice! And he didn't say "oh yes, I meant to text him but will do it soon..." indicating a potential issue, he indicated it was all sorted. So how were you even meant to know that he hadn't, in fact, sorted it? That's a total aside from the fact that adding on to your "to do" list potentially several reminders to DH to sort this is totally unfair on you and adding significantly to your burden.

I was trying to say that is such a shame that we have allowed society to change to the extent that parents don't feel it is safe for children to be out alone.

I don't understand what's so weird or unreasonable about each parent being the main contact with their own parents. I am very fond of DIL and have nothing against her family but she contacts them, DS1 contacts me, that's just how it works. I won't do WhatsApp.

Then perhaps you should have tried to say "it's a shame young children don't walk home alone any more because it's not safe" by actually saying "can't you teach her to make her own way home"

I hear your husband is alarmed, like you, and wanting to bomb proof the procedure so that DD has less chance of being left next time.

Sounds to me as if he just wants to leave it all to Op.

If his Dad cancelled presumably he would ask Op to ask her mum.

Someone left the gate to the incel farm open. Some of these posts are unbelievably stupid. OP your DH is a twat.

73 years ago, there were far fewer cars on the roads, people were far less clued up about paedophiles, and schools had never even considered the concept of safeguarding.

You must realise you are being unhelpful here?

Cut out the middle man?! WTF!

His dad didn't "have" to, if he'd been asked and couldn't, then they'd sort something else. But asking him is trying to sort an alternative.

I do all drop offs and DH does all pick ups. If he can't, I'll go if I can. If it's last minute, he'll call me and I'll try and go if I can. If I can't for whatever reason (i.e. a pre-arranged meeting I can't move, that was arranged then because usually someone else is picking up DD), then we will ask a grandparent, and uncle and so on until we figure it out.

The point here is FIL wasn't asked when her DH said he was and now is expecting OP to make all the arrangements.