Am I justified to be feeling really pissed off here?

[Runninggirls26]

DD is picked up from school 3 days a week by my FiL and 2 days a week by my DM. Last week my DM said she couldn’t pick up DD as she had a dental appointment. I asked DH if his dad could do it. He said it would be fine. I checked again and he said again his dad would be able to get DD.
No one picked my DD up today and after about 45 mins DH (who wfh) realised and went to get her. He’d forgotten to ask his dad. I’m upset that this happened even though she was fine and kept safe in the classroom. I’m now even more pissed off with DH because he said to me when I returned home from work “going forward can you ask my dad so to cut me out as the middle man or double check that I haven’t forgotten to ask him?” I feel he’s absolving himself of any responsibility and is suggesting it’s my fault. I’m also pissed off because he leaves everything for me to organise- all the kids’ appointments, clubs etc. and I do our son’s nursery drop off and pick up. This has just really fucked me off and I feel so fed up. But does he have a point?

You sound jealous and the OP wasn't asking if that should pick the DC up!

They're working.

OP it's completely on your DH.

He's not the middle man he's her dad! He basically screwed up and instead of holding his hands up and apologising he blamed you for asking him to sort it.

I'd be furious about his reaction more than him forgetting. Fucking middle man indeed!!!

It is your husband that is in the wrong and you asked him twice and he said all sorted. How can he be so irresponsible towards his own child.
To the person blaming her mum, she did nothing wrong and told her a week before she had a dentist appt. so how can they say she 'fucked up' her words not mine.
Also to the person who said the child should walk home alone, that is fine in 6th class and secondary but not a 4 year old.
Your husband needs to be told it is his child also and to take responsibility to make a phone call to his dad and not lie about it saying he did it when he didn't. Do not let him try to blame you or gaslight you into thinking you did something wrong. It is lovely the grandparents enjoy collecting child and spending time with them and lucky you have their help. Only person in the wrong is your husband. Does he always opt out of responsibility.

"Dear DH, you are not, nor never will be, "the middleman". We are both equally responsible for DD's care. In this instance YOU screwed up so please take responsibility for it and learn from it going forward. I will not be picking up your slack."

This! Why are so many PPs such bloody doormats who think it is a woman's job to take on all the thinking for their poor wittle men?!

OP I would be absolutely raging, not even so much at the fact he dropped the ball - everyone fucks up from time to time - but the lack of accountability and the sheer brass neck of trying to shift the blame and future responsibly to you would make me lose my mind.

I have dealt with this kind of mindset before (the, "how can I contort this beyond all recognition to make it your fault too, and avoid feeling uncomfortable?") and my rational mind knows that it usually comes from an inability to healthily deal with a feeling of guilt or a fear of someone being angry with you.

It's the reaction of a child, though, and so bloody unattractive in a grown man. He needs to sort it out.

Communicated politely.

I would be upset that DH lied twice about arranging his DF to collect DC.
However, it was OP's DM that was unable to do her usual collection, so not sure why the OP could not ring her FIL herself to arrange collection for DC.

WTF???

Funnily enough it’s not 1983 any more. Our primary school won’t let anyone under year 6 walk home alone and even then you have to have written parental permission in advance.

No school would allow any child to walk home alone within six months of starting these days!

Maybe because he is suppose to be working.
WFH does not mean, picking the kids up, walking the dog, meeting friend for coffee. Oh sorry...I forgot...that is what people are doing now, instead of working for their money and getting the job done.

Spectacularly missing the issue.

Unless you’re actually the father in this situation.

Because he is WORKING from home, mot lounging around, playing video games. Presumably, OP is also working.

How dense?

Bit of a leap 😂

This sounds familiar and we don't have DC yet.... We've missed so many events with my partner's family because he hasn't communicated them to me and then he's then forgotten that they now liaise directly with me about everything to make sure someone actually has got the memo. The last time I caught him trying to make plans with them himself, he was offering to bring and man a BBQ to a BBQ when we wouldn't even be in the country.... So now he takes the tasks he can see, like washing up, and I deal with the administrative/mental load tasks. He still does daft things when I'm not on it, like books haircuts when we have a 1 hour turnaround to get out of the door to events.... I don't think he does it intentionally, he just genuinely wants to please and says yes yes yes and doesn't remember/process the "household diary" at all.

You shouldn't have to take responsibility for liaising with his family, but the reality is, he's not reliable and he has at least recognised that. I suspect if his DF got wind of this, he will probably also be mortified and start liaising with you directly whether you like it or not.

He said he would organise it & didn't.

Seems fairly clear cut to me!

Yeah, I would just organise it myself. Sometimes it's just easier. Rubbish I know but you would probably have it bothering you anyway if you didn't do the organising. I gave up a long time ago thinking that mental load is a 50 50 thing.

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Totally feel your pain. It took three big misses for my DH to realise he needs to actually apply himself to the job. Parenting has been de valued for years. It’s just women’s work afterall. Actually it requires many of the skills required for most jobs. Organisation skills. Time management skills. Communication skills.

This book was recommended to me and it helped loads. There is a video and information online so you can get the just without spending money but we found the cards helpful.

i didn’t. The view from the otherside is amazing. I have time and energy for hobbies. Check out the book above. It helped me so much.

She asked her DH. He said yes. Doesn't matter that OP could have done it.

Yes!! This. Sooooo unattractive.

@KomodoOhno

the US is such a mixed bag (for everything). Mind you, it varies a lot here too Ivsuppose.

but I've never heard of it past y6 which is about 10, the last year in Primary. By 11 when they go to Senior school it's expected they commute independently, but loads are driven, but dropped off nearby not IN the school, we don't (generally) have massive drop off areas or car parks. (Unfortunately)

I begged 'to be like the big girls' and walk by myself from starting. But wasn't allowed until I was 7 & only home, not to school and not every day 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not at all. I've responded multiple times before this. I was just asking a question. So carry on.

Oh FFS, yes this would piss me off too.

I would be fuming at the situation, it was just so unnecessary, and the comment about the middle man would make me want to kill him.

If he really couldn't be bothered he should just have said that at the time & Op could have contacted her FIL to ask.

This is how some "fathers" get away with it though because ultimately the mums will pick up for the sake of the kid.

Honestly he would have done more for his boss probably!

This thread is bonkers.

Yeah would piss me off OP. I’d make it clear that being solely responsible for pick up (along with everything else) wasn’t going to happen.