To not want a funeral when I die?

[blackrosemage]

Just that really. I recently mentioned this to a friend in one of those '3am' conversations about death and he was horrified at the suggestion. I am now wondering if I am a complete weirdo! (Although probably not enough to change my mind on the matter)

What’s fucking rude is dictating how people grieve when you’re not here any more. That’s the disgusting, disrespectful behaviour.

How does not having a funeral dictate how people grieve? You are perfectly able to grieve outside of a funeral. People are entitled to have the sort of funeral they want, and if someone I was planning a funeral for had told me their wishes beforehand then I would respect those wishes - it's the last thing you can do for someone.

@saraclara
Hardly anyone who's said that they feel strongly about not having a funeral, has said why they feel that way.

For me once a person dies their physical remains mean nothing to me. The person was only a person when they were alive. So 'sending off' a body is meaningless and feels odd. It's also about how I grieve.
I like to minimise the death part of a persons death and concerntrate on all the memories I have from when they were alive.
The funerals I've been to have been ok but I wasn't particularly close to the people who died - I was happy to go but I find them strange. All the people were nice but hadn't bothered meeting up for years and years. People feeling obliged to travel miles, buy new black outfits and attend a funeral of someone that not everyone even liked.
With my two family who had direct to crem with no service. We obviously spent time together as a family and that felt really wholesome and comforting. Actual friends and acquaintances popped in to my parents family home or we met up for a meal or something like that.
Money wouldn't be an issue in my family but we do like the fact that it saves money. With one relative they were big supporters of a particular local charity so we gave an amount of money to them to represent the 'funeral'
I find the suggestion that you need a funeral for closure very odd as well.
Dying is very final so I don't need a funeral to bring it home to me and I also don't need or want a date imposed on me to mark a change in how I grieve. It's so arbitrary. I don't understand what changes to someone's grief before and after a funeral.

I also not the teeniest bit religious or spiritual.
I understand why some people want
funerals though but they aren't for me.
I think it helps that I'm close with my family and that we are all good at chatting about things. We are sensible and supportive.
I'm glad my family including parent/siblings/husband and kids all think the same. However if they changed their minds that would be fine too. I'm not AGAINST funerals and I can see why they are appropriate or of value in some cases. They just aren't for me.

I take offence at any suggestion that not having a funeral means you are uptight or emotionally stunted or that it must mean you didn't love the person who died enough. Those suggestions are wrong and nasty.

How does not having a funeral dictate how people grieve?

Because for many people, funerals are part of the grieving process and saying goodbye.

I agree with this.

A funeral isn't for you, it's for your family and friends to go through a process that helps them deal with your death.

My uncle died last year and insisted to his family that he didn't want a funeral. They've honoured his wishes but it's left them all in a really weird state of limbo and they've found it emotionally difficult to process it all and move forward. Is that what you want for your family?

On the other hand when my mum died, we had a funeral with some really lovely tributes and a wake afterwards that I feel really honoured her memory.

People can have one or not when I'm gone - I don't care, I'll be dead so unable to participate.

A funeral isn't for you, it's for your family and friends to go through a process that helps them deal with your death.

Equally, when my Dad knew he was going to die we chatted about his death and he and the whole family were in agreement that we didn't want any funeral or service. We did it because it helped us deal with his death. It's what we wanted and what he wanted too. It was an easy decision to make.
A few years on no one has any regrets about it either.

I'm not disagreeing that some people need a funeral but for others a funeral is exactly what they don't need.

No, it is not - how one's body is disposed of is completely up to that person.
The ones left who want the 'show' funeral are selfish

The ones left who want the 'show' funeral are selfish

Yeah, how dare the grieving family left behind do whatever makes things a tiny bit more bearable 🙄

It’s a very personal choice and mostly for the benefit of those left behind. I would rather no formal funeral, I’m down as a donor so they can take whatever they can for others, then I’d like the rest to be cremated. I’d then like my loved ones to have a ‘fun day’ in my memory, like a mini festival with music and fun, bouncy castles etc for all the kids, bands playing and maybe a tent where people can pin any pictures of me/us and particular quotes/stories/jokes they remember of me which can then be put into an album afterwards for the kids. I’d like my ashes spread at any beautiful place they visit, little bits at a time, my fave beach, holidays they go on, places I wanted to visit, etc.

I'm guessing most of the posts on here are from English people

I wouldn’t want one and personally I hate them. Such a sad affair (and expensive). I think there are other better ways to grieve and remember someone’s life and celebrate them.

But it’s very individual.

Exactly. Show funeral indeed! It’s very revealing how disrespectful those people who don’t want funerals are about other people’s choices.

The way I see it, funerals are more for the people left behind to grieve, I'll be dead so it doesn't really impact me. I've suggested I'd prefer a direct cremation to my partner, but he said if he's in that situation, he'd prefer to be there, which is fair enough. Basically I don't want money to be wasted on anything fancy, so it's up to whoever ends up arranging it what they want to do.

Perfectly sensible. About 20% of funerals now are direct cremations, ie nobody present. I totally want this - no people, no fuss, no memorial service, no wake. It's just common sense, and means that executors/family don't have all the faff of organising a funeral. Once I'm dead, that's it. Done & forgotten.

And then they will call it 'paying their respects'- by doing exactly what the deceased person clearly asked them NOT TO DO.

Just unbelievable. If someone cannot die without knowing that their wishes would be respected, out of respect- then what sort of 'respect' is that. Appalling and truly horrible.

WHOSE choice, It is NOT yours to make, but the deceased. And you call that 'respect' ???

When my DH died recently, we had an unattended cremation, followed by scattering his ashes at a natural burial ground. (We'd discussed this, and he was a retired professional gardener, so it seemed appropriate) Neither my SIL (his sister) or I want any sort of service. Cremate us and forget about the ashes; our family can remember us without a ceremony.

There is huge pressure from Funeral Directors to have 'the very best for your dearly departed'. I have witnessed this pressure- it is awful, and turn out to be massively expensive.

But for me, it is the environmental impact which is totally unacceptable for me, and I don't want to partake, never mind the money. Very expensive exotic woods from rain forests, covered in many layers of toxic lacker, metal handles which will not be recycled, silk inners, and chemicals for embalming. And don't even start on the flowers- brought in by plane from exotic locations, but even more importantly, all placed on polystirene holders.

For me, it will be natural burial ground- wicker coffin or very simple local untreated wood with cotton liner- and 1 single native tree. Simple local flowers without holders and natural ribbon, fine. When the site is full, it turns into a wonderful forest. Cremation is actually not very environmentally friendly and takes up a lot of energy too for the firing.

MY CHOICES and I am so happy to know my DH and 3 boys and family will totally respect them 100%. That is what you do when you truly want to pay your respects- RESPECT their choice.

Thanks for proving my point.

I’ve made it clear that I want a Direct Cremation. It will be my last gift to my sons. And if, when the time comes, they want to do something different that’s OK too.

Nope I don't either. Neither does my mum or my sister. I heard from someone saying they are for the living, not the dead.

My 94 year old nana died in January and she didn't want one either. She didn't want the fuss.

I think they are over priced. I don't want people having to have the stress over that when I go.

Forgot to add just throw me in crematorium 😉 and that's it. Not worried about anything else.

Just out of interest, has everyone who doesn’t want a funeral checked with their family to see how they feel about it? And would you change your mind if they were horrified at the the idea?

Organ donation get first dibs on me, if I die in a way that makes that possible e.g. car accident or something else sudden and the bits are useable. Then I'm signed up for the local medical schools as the next option - so students can learn anatomy. They have some restrictions on use as well, certain infectious diseases rule you out, or if you die when the university is closed and no one can come get you! If med school has me then I think they can either cremate what's leftover or give your body back to your family. I'm not super keen on cremation really just as it's a waste of energy, but it's the most practical option.

My absolute first choice, organ donation aside, would be to take part in "body farm" research but we don't have one in the UK. That would be so cool to be a part of!