To not want a funeral when I die?

[blackrosemage]

Just that really. I recently mentioned this to a friend in one of those '3am' conversations about death and he was horrified at the suggestion. I am now wondering if I am a complete weirdo! (Although probably not enough to change my mind on the matter)

Far better that the living are honoured whilst they're alive. There are so many examples of distant relatives and people who never bothered when the deceased person was alive. The time for honouring is surely during someone's lifetime?

But, everyone has a different view and that's fine.

A quick visit to the MS Society for brain/spinal cord removal and then direct cremation no service for me and husband can chuck the ashes in the bin if he wants to. Everyone who matters knows and is fine with that. If they want a shindig at some point after they can have one.

I don’t want a “proper” funeral as I consider it a waste of time and money.
I want my loved ones to treat themselves with the money saved … a short break / meal out etc

DH and I want to be cremated & scattered. We are Christians but have no specific church so no religious requirements. We've told our sons that we don't want any services of any kind. And that if they want to 'remember us', then get together for a BBQ and swap stories.

My dad had a 'full blown' funeral (US=visitation, church funeral, graveside, 'reception') and I found it extremely stressful and sorrowing, not 'comforting'. Mum died during Covid and due to rules there could be no formal 'funeral', just a gathering of immediate family (about 8 of us) at her graveside. I read a brief passage from my grandmother's old Book of Common Prayer and we each said a brief goodbye. It was comforting and peaceful.

Quite frankly, if I could be wrapped in newspaper, put out with the bins & taken away by the bin men, I'd be happy. Otherwise, bung me in a body bag & chuck me on the fire, return the ashes to ds who can bury them on Filey Beach.

Have you actually arranged that already? It's hard to do.

Funerals aren't for you. They are for the people left behind. If they feel they need one, then they should have one.

How fucking rude. If the person wishes not to have one, and those left behind choose to hold one, that’s disgusting, disrespectful behaviour.

I don't know why anyone cares so much. You'll be dead anyway. I'd rather ask my family what they think/want and plan accordingly.

@HidingUnderTheBleachers of course it's not. The person won't know anything about it. And many people find comfort in rituals.

It’s not about randoms. Anyone that lives you, genuinely loves you, would respect your wishes. It’s fucking rude to do otherwise.

I went to a funeral yesterday of a 41 year old friend who took her own life. She may have felt she didn't need one. But her family and friends certainly did. And I hope it helps her parents and brother.

It doesn’t sound like you know whether she wanted one or not. If someone doesn’t want one, that should be respected. You would have to be a shit person to go against someone’s wishes.

My parents both chose direct cremations with no funeral (my dad, at a time when this was still very unusual), and I will do the same.

I don't think one can control what people do after one is no longer there; but one can express one's preferences. Many people (well, me anyway) would prefer, if we must grieve, to grieve privately, without other people watching and, with the best of intentions, rubbing grief in. And so often people have to go into debt for it.

I would much rather have some sort of formal or informal memorial event some time later that focuses on remembering the person who died as they were in life.

But of course when it happens to me, I'll be dead, and unaware of what's happening, so ultimately my family and friends can do what they choose. But I will express my preference for a direct cremation.

Probably doesn’t really matter what you do/don’t want as you will be dead. Your family will take care of logistics and likely do whatever they want. Pretty pointless trying to control from the grave I think.

You’re not weird at all OP.

I won’t be having one based on my own experiences of funerals. I’ve lost a couple of people very close to me and it made me sick to see others who turned up to their funeral and treated it like a day out with free food. They weren’t close to he person, they weren’t upset, their lives would carry on as normal. I never want my partner and kids to have to deal with that when they’ll be feeling so sad, and I know they’ll respect my wishes. My partner feels the same and the kids think were right.

I agree completely. I know what my partner wants, and if I’m here, I’ll make sure that’s what happens. It would be unimaginable to just ignore what he has asked for.

My dw has had to many visits to our crematorium the worst being the loss of both her son's.our crem has a long drive way and it's a sickening journey.we discussed the direct cremation and decided it was what she wanted as well as myself.

Hardly anyone who's said that they feel strongly about not having a funeral, has said why they feel that way.

@blackrosemage you've said what the reason isn't, but not what it is. Maybe it would help others understand if they knew that it is that bothers you about a funeral

I don't want one either, I weirdly imagine watching from the ceiling and seeing people remember a me which I don't recognise as it appears they never really knew me or saw me in a way I didn't like.

I also hate fuss which is odd as I would be dead, again people wouldn't throw me a party now as they know I would hate it and leave to avoid the attention and fuss. So it seems hypothetical to remember someone who for instance feels like that by throwing a big funeral and wake creating the very fuss they hated when they were alive.

When asked I do explain why I don't want one and tell them to do something that simply helps them cope. To only do it for their benefit. They think I'm weird but there's nowt new there.

My mum died last year. She would have been happy with a direct funeral and the money in her savings would have only covered a direct funeral. However, I strongly believe a funeral is about the living. People want to say goodbye, have closure over a death of someone they have loved and will miss. We only had a small service but all her siblings, my cousins, her in laws etc came. It would have caused more upset if we hadn’t had one. It was low key and people came back to mine for tea and cake and a chat after as many had to travel a couple hours home.

My MIL died recently - she wasn't fussed about a funeral but her children and grandchildren wanted one and so we just had a small service.

I personally think it's a bit "off" to decide in advance how your relatives and friends are allowed to deal with your death.

You would have to be a shit person to go against someone’s wishes.

Or you're someone incredibly swept up in grief and you just want to do something to try and make things a little better for the people left behind.

I think it's really awful to say that someone grieving is a "shit person" just because they want a funeral.

Yes my family recently has a death I didn’t attend the funeral but another family member fed back that it seemed nobody seemed to even know the chap really. One of his children was forgotten about, any stories where from when he was a young lad but he was over 70 when he died. Lots of oh I haven’t seen you since “event 20’years ago” going on between family members.

I think if you believe in say an afterlife of getting to view it as a spirit as such it would be quite disturbing or disappointing to have such a funeral where everyone’s basically there purely from duty with no idea who you where these days.

No funeral for me, my body will be dissected by medical students. Unless I die on a bank holiday, I need to plan for that.

Having thought a lot about this over the last day or so, I think funerals are important ways for society to come together. To see people you might not see otherwise for years, to make bonds between yourselves, to talk to them and ask after them.
Loneliness and isolation are so prevalent, families are so dispersed, there’s often only weddings and funerals.

I think to sit and think about the shortness of life and the sadness of how it passes so quickly, then a happier catch up with people you haven’t seen is really good for you. We are all social creatures, loneliness is the greatest predictor of poor health and early death.

Youre already dead, its sad to be preventing other people from seeing each other and being in a network and offering support to each other.