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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not want a funeral when I die?

367 replies

blackrosemage · 02/05/2024 19:11

Just that really. I recently mentioned this to a friend in one of those '3am' conversations about death and he was horrified at the suggestion. I am now wondering if I am a complete weirdo! (Although probably not enough to change my mind on the matter)

OP posts:
nothingsforgotten · 02/05/2024 22:10

Of course you're not a weirdo. I don't want a funeral myself, I don't see the point.

I had a direct cremation for my DM, and my DF thought it was such a good idea he pre-paid for one for himself also. I don't regret not having to attend full funeral services for them one bit, I didn't need that to say goodbye and I don't go along with the "closure" stuff.

KreedKafer · 02/05/2024 22:12

Tengreenbottles2 · 02/05/2024 20:44

I don't want one either. If the family want to get together for a few drinks and a reminisce, great. But watching my coffin being ceremonially being brought in . No thanks.

But some people need to see the coffin, have all the rituals etc. in order to grieve properly.

I actually think it's a sign of a very emotionally unintelligent population that people have become so averse to feeling any negative emotion whatsoever.

It's not bad to feel sad or even highly distressed when someone has died. It's normal, natural, and necessary to help heal.

You are completely misunderstanding why people choose not to have funerals, and your sneering judgements are ill-informed and crass.

It’s quite something to criticise other people for being ‘very emotionally unintelligent’ when you apparently are incapable of grasping the simple concept that different people grieve in different ways and that not wanting a funeral has absolutely nothing to do with how sad (or not) people are. Not having a funeral doesn’t mean a family are trying to avoid grieving, ffs. It just means that they’d prefer to express that grief in a way that feels sincere and appropriate to them, rather than by staging a ritual that means nothing to them.

Of course funerals can mean ‘closure’ for some families, especially if they have a religious faith. Great! Have funerals then. I’m not judging you for it. But other people might get ‘closure’ in different ways. Just because funerals are meaningful to you, that doesn’t mean they’re meaningful for everyone.

Neither of my parents wants a funeral. My dad doesn’t feel his own parents’ funerals were meaningful at all. He saw their bodies when they’d died and he didn’t feel he needed to see coffins going through a curtain to say goodbye. Our ‘closure’ as immediate family didn’t come from the funerals, even though the services were very personalised and nicely done. None of us felt the kind of emotion at the funerals that we’d felt as a family when we were talking and reminiscing. My dad felt that his parents’ funerals just added pointless stress and, if anything, disrupted his grieving process rather than helping it.

i’m sure my siblings and I will say our own goodbyes when my parents die, but we just don’t need a funeral for that and my parents would rather we didn’t go through a ritual none of us benefit from.

Hartley99 · 02/05/2024 22:14

No, I’d rather not bother. It’s been a pretty horrible life, all in all, and there isn’t much to celebrate. I’m glad for whatever good I did, and for the small acts of kindness and love, and I’m sorry for any pain I caused, but overall I can’t say my life has been worth living. I know we’re not supposed to say that, but why lie? I don’t want anyone blabbing on about my life being “a journey” and that sort of nonsense.

caffelattetogo · 02/05/2024 22:14

I want a cremation rather than burial but I don't like the bit where the coffin goes off at the end, so I think maybe I'd rather not have a funeral.
It also bothers me looking at the coffin and thinking my loved one in is in there. But I suppose maybe that's the point of it all.

CustardySergeant · 02/05/2024 22:15

My husband and I will both be having direct cremations. Our daughter knows and is happy with that.

HauntedBungalow · 02/05/2024 22:16

Scorchio84 · 02/05/2024 20:30

For some reason this has been on my mind recently, I'm an Atheist so the whole church thing would be ridiculous so I'd "like" a funeral home but only for my family & friends to say goodbye with a few prayers thrown in for my aunties sake & then a cremation, the idea of a priest who's never met me or doesn't know anything about me is frankly ridiculous, even that will cost a couple of grand which again is ridiculous, I don't want to be interred either just flung somewhere nice, maybe the beach?

You can have a humanist funeral. I have been to a couple. One in particular for my dear friend who died last year was a joyful occasion, strange as it sounds. He was a musician and there was a lot of music from many in attendance, a lot of emotion, a lot of connection and sharing of memories. It was a beautiful event that perfectly honoured his rich and perhaps unconventional life.

nothingsforgotten · 02/05/2024 22:17

HauntedBungalow · 02/05/2024 22:03

People don't "do" death very well in England generally and I guess not having a funeral at all is the next logical step but ime it does make things harder for those left behind.

How does it make things harder for those left behind? It didn't in my case, I'm perfectly happy with the direct cremations I organised for both my parents. I attend funerals out of respect for the dead and/or their family, but if someone close to me died and I couldn't get to their funeral it wouldn't make any difference to me. I was close to my parents (only child) and think of them every day, that's all I need.

I do realise that some people need the funeral experience, but some don't - you can't put everyone in a neat little box and say they are all the same.

Pharos · 02/05/2024 22:17

I genuinely don’t care. It’s up to my family what they feel they want to
do. I’m not religious so there’ll be no need for prayers and a church. A funeral is for the ones still living so why would I dictate what they do?

WhatDaPoint · 02/05/2024 22:21

@Tengreenbottles2
I actually think it's a sign of a very emotionally unintelligent population that people have become so averse to feeling any negative emotion whatsoever.

It's not bad to feel sad or even highly distressed when someone has died. It's normal, natural, and necessary to help heal.

What a rude and silly thing to say. Just because you don't want a funeral it doesn't mean you don't feel sad. We've had several family members have no funeral at all and it really works for all of us. It helps us heal. I think it's because it helps you remember the person when they were alive rather than their death. It doesn't stop people grieving and it doesn't stop people feeling sad. It ridiculous to suggest otherwise.
When my dad died his body was whisked away from the hospital and that was that as far as his body was concerned but as a family we spent time together at home supporting each other and reminiscing. It felt so much better that going to an event somewhere that none of us were familiar with and going through a funeral.
I'm not saying that funerals are wrong for everyone. For some families they are clearly the right thing to do but to suggest that it's the only way of doing 'desth' is insulting and only something someone who is very unemotionally unintelligent would say.

nothingsforgotten · 02/05/2024 22:22

I actually think it's a sign of a very emotionally unintelligent population that people have become so averse to feeling any negative emotion whatsoever.

It's not bad to feel sad or even highly distressed when someone has died. It's normal, natural, and necessary to help heal.

Wow - do you seriously believe that just because a funeral isn't held then those left behind don't feel sad or highly distressed!? Unbelievable Hmm

saraclara · 02/05/2024 22:23

caffelattetogo · 02/05/2024 22:14

I want a cremation rather than burial but I don't like the bit where the coffin goes off at the end, so I think maybe I'd rather not have a funeral.
It also bothers me looking at the coffin and thinking my loved one in is in there. But I suppose maybe that's the point of it all.

It doesn't, it at least it hasn't at any of the funerals I've been to.

At all of them (sadly I'm at the age where friends and acquaintances are dying) the coffin has remained on the catafalque. Sometimes curtains have been drawn around it, sometimes it's just stayed visible as people leave. At one, as people close to her were able to touch the coffin as they left.
For my mum's recent funeral we were given the choice of curtain closing or not.

AllPrincessAnneshorses · 02/05/2024 22:25

Same. DH and I are giving our bodies to science. If family want a wake/ memorial, they're welcome.

WhatDaPoint · 02/05/2024 22:26

HauntedBungalow · 02/05/2024 22:03

People don't "do" death very well in England generally and I guess not having a funeral at all is the next logical step but ime it does make things harder for those left behind.

There is no rules on how you are meant to "do" death. My family are open and pragmatic, we've all agreed that we would like direct to crem funerals. Direct to crem funerals are getting more and more popular.

socks1107 · 02/05/2024 22:26

I definitely don't want a funeral and have my wishes clear. I don't want anyone knowing the date I go to the crematorium either. I absolutely shudder at the idea of being driven in a car through town in a box.

AllPrincessAnneshorses · 02/05/2024 22:27

Hartley99 · 02/05/2024 22:14

No, I’d rather not bother. It’s been a pretty horrible life, all in all, and there isn’t much to celebrate. I’m glad for whatever good I did, and for the small acts of kindness and love, and I’m sorry for any pain I caused, but overall I can’t say my life has been worth living. I know we’re not supposed to say that, but why lie? I don’t want anyone blabbing on about my life being “a journey” and that sort of nonsense.

Gosh, I'm sorry it's been so hard for you.

AllPrincessAnneshorses · 02/05/2024 22:29

WhatDaPoint · 02/05/2024 22:21

@Tengreenbottles2
I actually think it's a sign of a very emotionally unintelligent population that people have become so averse to feeling any negative emotion whatsoever.

It's not bad to feel sad or even highly distressed when someone has died. It's normal, natural, and necessary to help heal.

What a rude and silly thing to say. Just because you don't want a funeral it doesn't mean you don't feel sad. We've had several family members have no funeral at all and it really works for all of us. It helps us heal. I think it's because it helps you remember the person when they were alive rather than their death. It doesn't stop people grieving and it doesn't stop people feeling sad. It ridiculous to suggest otherwise.
When my dad died his body was whisked away from the hospital and that was that as far as his body was concerned but as a family we spent time together at home supporting each other and reminiscing. It felt so much better that going to an event somewhere that none of us were familiar with and going through a funeral.
I'm not saying that funerals are wrong for everyone. For some families they are clearly the right thing to do but to suggest that it's the only way of doing 'desth' is insulting and only something someone who is very unemotionally unintelligent would say.

Very good response to a very silly and yes, emotionally unintelligent comment.

DorisDoesDoncaster · 02/05/2024 22:30

Direct cremation for me, after my funeral plan provider got taken over by some fraudsters who did goodness only knows what with my money, so my plan literally went up in smoke! Lost over £3k on a funeral plan.

DorisDoesDoncaster · 02/05/2024 22:32

Just add, the money my estate saves on not having a traditional funeral is to be spent having a slap up meal and the best drinks after I’ve been turned to ashes.

Catsmere · 02/05/2024 22:32

Not remotely weird. I won't be having one, nor will my mother. No point, there'd be nobody to come to it. Cremation and scattering will be the way.

Scorchio84 · 02/05/2024 22:37

HauntedBungalow · 02/05/2024 22:16

You can have a humanist funeral. I have been to a couple. One in particular for my dear friend who died last year was a joyful occasion, strange as it sounds. He was a musician and there was a lot of music from many in attendance, a lot of emotion, a lot of connection and sharing of memories. It was a beautiful event that perfectly honoured his rich and perhaps unconventional life.

That sounds really nice & if I outlive my auntie it sounds exactly what I'd want so thanks, I just know she'd be really upset (& worried I'd end up in Hell 😆 ) if there weren't at least one or two prayers said

I do think it's important for family & friends to have an opportunity for a group focal point to say their goodbyes in whatever form that takes

reesewithoutaspoon · 02/05/2024 22:47

Direct cremation for me. I would rather give my immediate family the money that would be spent on a funeral to travel somewhere nice and raise a glass for me. I love travelling

Figmentofmyimagination · 02/05/2024 22:48

Direct cremations have really taken off post Covid - a bit like working from home, in the sense that all the restrictions that were imposed made a lot of people realise that they didn’t really value the old practices anyway.

Direct cremation isn’t cheap, although it’s certainly cheaper than a funeral. What’s really appealing is the idea that those you love won’t have all the stress of contacting people, organising a service, transport, all that funeral-related stuff, flowers etc etc just at the moment when they feel most vulnerable and sad. I also don’t want them ripped off.Just thought of trawling a close family member’s contacts etc just after they have died and inviting people to a funeral fills me with horror. Much better to wait to organise a lovely day out once everyone is feeling better. I think a tipping point will soon be reached when more people favour direct cremations than funerals. It’s just a matter of time until funerals are no longer the ‘norm’.

abracadabra1980 · 02/05/2024 22:49

Pfpppl · 02/05/2024 19:13

I don't want one either. If people want to get together for a wake type event to remember me then fine. But I'd be quite happy for my body to be incinerated with the rest of the clinical waste!

Same here. I've just lost a parent with the funeral costing way more than I ever want to spend on myself. I can't see the point. I'll leave some money for a wake and insist nobody is miserable.

BIossomtoes · 02/05/2024 22:49

socks1107 · 02/05/2024 22:26

I definitely don't want a funeral and have my wishes clear. I don't want anyone knowing the date I go to the crematorium either. I absolutely shudder at the idea of being driven in a car through town in a box.

That’s going to happen anyway. How else will you get to the crem? Not that you’ll know about it.

DoraSpenlow · 02/05/2024 23:04

Hankunamatata · 02/05/2024 21:56

Having been to a few funerals lately. There is great peace from saying goodbye with friends and family. I will leave it to my children what they want to do and make sure the money is there for them to do what they wish to do

I gained no peace from seeing my 80 year old father fall to his knees howling as they lowered my mother into her grave. Absolutely none.

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