To de-arrange the funeral?

[Funeraldilemma1]

NC but reg poster.

An old person I’ll call Sam recently died. They were the parent of someone I’ll call Bob. Bob was severely neglected by Sam right from birth - his practical needs like feeding and washing not attended to with neighbours having to step in, frequently told he was unwanted, banned from the house if Sam had “company” over, I believe Bob spent some time in care but was never removed from Sam’s custody. They went NC around 30 years ago.

Sam has never acknowledged Bob’s existence. Gleefully told Bob he’d been written out of the will. Now they’ve died, some of the admin has fallen to a relative of Bob, as Bob can’t handle having any involvement due to lasting trauma. The relative has ascertained there may not be a will, and is going to deal with the admin and paperwork. Relative has been informed by friends of Sam that Sam wished for a lavish funeral, and had lots of local friends who liked them and want to attend a funeral, but these people never knew Sam had a child as they completely denied Bob’s existence. Sam’s friends have no idea of the abuse and neglect Bob endured.

Bob and his relative are not willing to arrange a funeral. They have said they don’t intend to carry out Sam’s wishes and want to cancel any pre-arranged plans Sam may have made. Friends of Sam feel this is cruel and they should “be the bigger people”. As there’s no will, Bob is legal next of kin so in a procedural sense he does have the final say but who is BU?

Bob and his relative are not being U in the slightest.

I wouldn't be arranging a big knees up to celebrate someone who had abused me.

If sam's friends want a party they can organise their own!

If Sam’s friends care so much, they can ask Bob’s permission to arrange (and pay for) a funeral that Bob had no part or involvement in. And of Bob still says no then tough. Bob’s suffered enough.

Bob isn't responsible for arranging Sam's funeral, and needs to either remind people of that, or ignore them, when they tell him what they think he should know.

If he's prepaid for the funeral then it should go ahead. If it's coming from the estate then yeah don't bother.

If it’s been arranged before Sam died by Sam and paid for by Sam I’d just let it all happen and avoid it. I wouldn’t do any organising or paying for anything so if anything needs doing for a funeral there wouldn’t be one.

Sam's friends can arrange their own memorial service!

Anyone can attend a funeral. Have it at a crem. Generic funeral talk No nonsense by the celebrant. Attendees can go to the pub afterwards should they wish

Sam's friends can arrange whatever wake or ceremony they want, and pay for it. They can arrange the whole funeral if they want, likewise. But if they don't want that, Bob can do whatever you do when you want to pay as little as possible and hand it over to the council to organise. (Disclaimer I have no idea how it works but assume there is some council employee who deals with funerals for people with no relatives or friends?!)

If Sam's friends think Sam wanted a lavish funeral, Sam's friends can pay for a lavish funeral. It's more likely they want a big piss up at Bob's expense, so tell them to eff off or pay for it themselves, and watch them reverse ferret.

I’d have a direct cremation , if Sam’s friends want a big knees up they can have a memorial at their own cost .

Bob has to do fuck all. He should tell them to feel free to reach into their own pockets if they want to but he will be paying for, arranging and attending nothing.

Yeah, another vote for leaving it to Sam's mates.

Agree, I'd sort out a direct cremation and Sam's friends can do whatever they want to remember her. I would be quite happy to tell the friends exactly what the back story was though.

If Sam planned it, paid for it in advance and has it all set out ready to go then I'd let it go ahead but give it a very berth if I were Bob. If however this is all pie in the sky planning and Sam expects it all to be organised and paid for by Bob then I'd be having none of it. Sam gleefully abused and neglected Bob for all those years, if Sam or Sam's friends expect any kind of effort on Bob's part to give Sam this dramatic send off they can go forth and multiply.

I don't know if it's possible to cancel a pre-paid funeral package, and try to get the money back. If Sam pre-paid their own funeral, I'd stand back and let that go ahead, but if the package doesn't cover all of what Sam's friends want, they can pay the excess themselves.

for Bob, and also for Bob's relative for stepping in. Tough time, I should imagine.

There is nothing stopping Sam’s friends from throwing a lavish memorial service. The handling of the actual remains may fall to the legal next of kin, but that can be entirely separate from the public gathering. The body being present is not a prerequisite.

Could Bob just not get involved at all. What happens when someone dies and doesn't have anyone willing to arrange a funeral? If the friends want to throw a party then that's their issue. Bob should just walk away. I would call this closure. Bob has no obligation to Sam.

What is your involvement?

What is your opinion and is it you that wants to 'de-arrange'?

What happens when someone dies and doesn't have anyone willing to arrange a funeral

Another relative has agreed to deal with the paperwork. That's what a funeral is, if there are no emotions. Paperwork.

I'm fully in support of Bob.

Interesting point. I know when someone dies and there's no money for a funeral the council has to pay for a very basic one, but here there seems to be money but the closest relative who is going to inherit doesn't want a funeral. Somebody has to take responsibility for ensuring the deceased's remains are cremated or buried, though. Is there a legal obligation on the nearest relative to do it, or if it's left to the council could they then recover the money from next of kin, if any turn up?

What a horrible thing, for your only flesh and blood to feel this way about you (entirely justifiably, from the sound of it). Sam sounds like a nasty piece of work.

If it's been pre paid and arranged with the funeral director then just let it go ahead. I'd be tempted to be spiteful and turn up and tell all Sam's friends what a horrible man Sam was but in reality I would just not go.

If it hasn't been arranged then like fuck should Sam or relative arrange it!

If Sam had wanted a lavish funeral, he should have arranged it before his death. Having disowned Bob, and not having entrusted the job to anyone else, you can only assume he didn't care that much.

I wouldn't be putting at stock whatsoever behind apparent "friends" who are probably just wanting to have their say on any action. A cremation, 500 quid behind a local bar, that's enough.

Sam's friends can arrange anything they like, but they have to pay for it.

What they cannot do is force Sam"s estate to pay for it unless Sam wrote a will explicitly detailing his wishes. If there's no will then Bob will decide what to do - the body has to be disposed of appropriately and if there is any money/assets left by Sam then that has to fund it but it can be very small cheap and simple. "Direct Cremation" is the cheapest - for about £1000 with no ceremony. If there isn't £1000 in the estate then you can apply to the council for funds to dispose of the deceased properly, Bob doesn't have to pay a penny of his own but can only inherit what is left over after any outstanding debts owed by Sam, and any funeral costs paid.

Interesting so many people are guessing Sam was male. My guess is female.