To de-arrange the funeral?

[Funeraldilemma1]

NC but reg poster.

An old person I’ll call Sam recently died. They were the parent of someone I’ll call Bob. Bob was severely neglected by Sam right from birth - his practical needs like feeding and washing not attended to with neighbours having to step in, frequently told he was unwanted, banned from the house if Sam had “company” over, I believe Bob spent some time in care but was never removed from Sam’s custody. They went NC around 30 years ago.

Sam has never acknowledged Bob’s existence. Gleefully told Bob he’d been written out of the will. Now they’ve died, some of the admin has fallen to a relative of Bob, as Bob can’t handle having any involvement due to lasting trauma. The relative has ascertained there may not be a will, and is going to deal with the admin and paperwork. Relative has been informed by friends of Sam that Sam wished for a lavish funeral, and had lots of local friends who liked them and want to attend a funeral, but these people never knew Sam had a child as they completely denied Bob’s existence. Sam’s friends have no idea of the abuse and neglect Bob endured.

Bob and his relative are not willing to arrange a funeral. They have said they don’t intend to carry out Sam’s wishes and want to cancel any pre-arranged plans Sam may have made. Friends of Sam feel this is cruel and they should “be the bigger people”. As there’s no will, Bob is legal next of kin so in a procedural sense he does have the final say but who is BU?

I should have said "memorial" or "party". No idea what happens in terms of decisions about actual funerary arrangements. Wouldn't the LA pay for it if the NOK didn't want to spend the money on it?

The child of an abuser is already "the bigger person " they owe their abuser nothing.

Do a Direct Cremation then ask all the 'friends' Who wants the ashes?

I'd let the person closest to Sam to make the arrangements of anything that has been planned and paid for in advance. If nothing has been paid for in advance I'd be arranging a direct funeral and letting the friends arrange anything they want to do. I would only pay for a direct funeral from Sam's estate but none of the wake.

This!

Sam sounds an absolute arsehole - it will be good for his/her friends to find out what sort of a nasty twat they've thought so much of all of these years.

I hope Bob gets every fecking penny!

You don't have to have a funeral service at all. You can have a straight-to-crem arrangement - no service, no mourners - nothing! Bob will have to pay because there is enough in the estate to cover the cost of the cremation, but you can have it done for around a £1,000. The ashes can be dumped, left at the undertakers, put in the dustbin - whatever. If there's no will and Bob's the one who inherits then it's Bob's decision.

I'd arrange a direct cremation. All Sam's drinking buddies can pay for a fancy party if they want. Bill's well rid of something like Sam.

I think this is a great chance for Bob to get the last laugh here. Closure comes in many forms.

Exactly and what good is a lavish funeral to anyone ?? Does it help the dead in anyway... nope it does not. Cannot consider being unreasonable to a dead persons wishes about lavish party when in life this person was anything but reasonable or kind.

Do whatever is best for Bob's mental health. The wants of people who are prepared to overlook child abuse because they like the perpetrator deserve no consideration whatsoever.

Don't even have to put the remains into the plot.

The plot may be paid for, but there is no law that says it has to be used. it can just lie there and Sam can go down the drain if that's what Bob decides.

My heart aches for Bob. What a terrible woman Sam was.

I would think if there is any estate it comes out of that.

Sam’s friends can sort this out themselves. I don’t care whether Sam is male or female, Sam doesn’t get to have Bob carry out their wishes. Sam sounds like a narcissist.

Fuck Sam.

If it's not a prepaid funeral plan then keep it simple. Hand over to the funeral director and get the cheapest respectful solution. Get the funeral director to Inform the friends and tell them what is arranged.

Then back off and don't engage further. You don't have to do anything more. But please get a funeral director to be the buffer as I think you'll need it.

It sounds like a mess. I hope Bob can find peace and some closure through this.

As someone said upthread funerals are for the living not the dead.

I think the 9am slot is the cheapest at the local crem. Cheapest of the cheap. No flowers, hurst, order of service, personalised service.

For someone else to do the leg work, not poor bob. Bob should spend the day surrounded by his friends and family doing something he enjoys.

We covered this earlier in the thread. The LA won't pay if there's any money available in the estate, otherwise they'd be overwhelmed by people trying to avoid the cost of a funeral. LAs pay for a super basic funeral, probably direct cremation now, only if there's absolutely no money available. I think if the deceased had no known next of kin to take on the job of winding up the deceased's affairs the LA would have to do it, but they would be looking to recover their costs from the estate if possible. The LA is never going to pay for a wake.

Can't Bob just get a funeral director to arrange the whole thing and leave the service or whatever to them. FD to be told not to announce anything and do it for the most reasonable cheapest price, no frills and no attendees other than FD and celebrant.

The so called "friends" would never be seen again no matter what Bob does, so he should go with what absolutely HAS to be done and leave it at that.

How do you know the friends have commented with their tuppence worth anyway? Just wondered.

I believe if you have written your funeral requests in a will it isn't legally binding. It is a request.
So will or no will. Makes no difference.

The estate of Sam pays for the funeral, so Bob can arrange whatever Bob likes, takes the funeral bill, death certificate and some id to Sam's bank and and Sam will pay for her own funeral. The bank pay funeral director.

Sam's friend should hold their own wake and Bob should do whatever Bob wants.
I'm with Bob.

Bob is next-of-kin, so it's his call.

Personally - fuck Sam's friends. If they want a big bash, they can arrange and pay for it. I despise the 'be the bigger person' crap.

I don't know how much one of those direct cremation costs but imho go for one of those that no morners are allowed to go to

I think that is probably the cheapest with a cardboard coffin

Then just bury the ashes in the plot

I have not read the full thread and appreciate you taking the time to explain this to me, although if what is said about Sam is true she sounds deserving of no more than being rolled into a hole in the ground.

Friends of Sam feel this is cruel and they should “be the bigger people”.
Why does Bob give a shit what friends of Sam think? He doesn't even know these people.

Given the plot is already bought is it not cheaper just to have Sam put in it?
Don't need to have a headstone or any sort of memorial stone.

Sam's money if he wanted friends to have a wake paid for from the estate so be it. If there is no money then it ain't going to happen.