To de-arrange the funeral?

[Funeraldilemma1]

NC but reg poster.

An old person I’ll call Sam recently died. They were the parent of someone I’ll call Bob. Bob was severely neglected by Sam right from birth - his practical needs like feeding and washing not attended to with neighbours having to step in, frequently told he was unwanted, banned from the house if Sam had “company” over, I believe Bob spent some time in care but was never removed from Sam’s custody. They went NC around 30 years ago.

Sam has never acknowledged Bob’s existence. Gleefully told Bob he’d been written out of the will. Now they’ve died, some of the admin has fallen to a relative of Bob, as Bob can’t handle having any involvement due to lasting trauma. The relative has ascertained there may not be a will, and is going to deal with the admin and paperwork. Relative has been informed by friends of Sam that Sam wished for a lavish funeral, and had lots of local friends who liked them and want to attend a funeral, but these people never knew Sam had a child as they completely denied Bob’s existence. Sam’s friends have no idea of the abuse and neglect Bob endured.

Bob and his relative are not willing to arrange a funeral. They have said they don’t intend to carry out Sam’s wishes and want to cancel any pre-arranged plans Sam may have made. Friends of Sam feel this is cruel and they should “be the bigger people”. As there’s no will, Bob is legal next of kin so in a procedural sense he does have the final say but who is BU?

Despite reserving a burial plot I would still do direct cremation

I would cancel the funeral.
After a life time of neglect and pain Bob deserves to have some peace. Peace would not be gained from knowing Sam went to the pearly gates through a massive fanfair like they were a good person, when clearly they were not.

My grandfather wanted a high catholic mass and lots of bells and whistles for his funeral. He thought he'd had lots of attendees and people wanting to wish him on his way.

He was a vile absuve and violent drunk to family members and took pleasure out of being spiteful and cruel. He was only ever happy when so drunk he was essentially crawling to his bed. Often he'd continue drinking at home. He had lots of "friends" because he would open his wallet and be taken advantage of at the end to get drinks out of him by others. They never knew how he behaved at home. He was one almost double figures over the drink drive limit when rushed to hospital because all he could say was he wanted to die over a day after he'd stopped drinking. We thought he was ill, the hospital took his blood and threw him out because of how drunk he was.

He got dementia and we had to be involved as duty if care until he went into a care home when care at home was no longer possible. He systematically destroyed us whilst still playing the poor innocent vulnerable man. It was only the last year of his life (7 years after diagnosis) that he changed and fully forgot who we were. Everyone else got the fake side of him and "hello darling!" and a forced fake laugh to stuff. We got screamed at and told how horrible we were even in the care home and how we should do such and such and visit more and take him this and that. No end of his carers were shocked to hear how he talked to us and the things he'd say when he thought noone was near or could hear.

His actual funeral was a direct cremation in another town with noone in attendance where we never claimed his ashes and so he was disposed of over there. Not one tear has been shed for him by anyone. If anything people are glad.

Don't feel you or Bob have to do anything other than just get his body cremated at the absolute least. You don't even have to have a service or wake or attend.

A decent basic funeral is expensive enough. Advise the chums to go to a nearby pub afterwards if they want a knees-up.

Bob does not need to go.

I once went to a funeral of a non-relative, most of the family knew who I was and welcomed me warmly, but a couple advised me not to go to the pub afterwards as they expected a fight among themselves. It was quite a troubled family, and none of them would contribute to the cost.

Sam doesn’t deserve to be memorialized. If the friends think that much of Sam then THEY can arrange and pay for a funeral. If there are family members who feel stuck in the middle, feeling the need for a funeral, then THEY can organise one.
I am biased as had an abusive mum with ideas of an almost “State” funeral. The one she wanted wouldnt have been possible anyway as her funeral was between Christmas and NewYears, so no one was around or open for this kind of event.
In my experience, we held an “appropriate” funeral for remaining family (who knew the deal but had their own relationship with my mum), and kept it very small. It was still incredibly traumatic for me. I have never been to the gravesite or seen the stone and never, ever will. It’s been about eight years now.

Let the friends organise and pay for what they feel Sam deserves. Sam deserves nothing from Bob.

Sounds like Sam's friends want a nice pre-paid piss up.
Definitely don't spend much - a dignified send off but no celebration of life is more than enough.
I'm glad Bob is next of kin and will hopefully inherit the money and use it to make his life better.

Friends of Sam feel this is cruel and they should “be the bigger people”. As there’s no will, Bob is legal next of kin so in a procedural sense he does have the final say but who is BU?

Why the fuck do people think you become an angel when you die?

Bob should arrange the least he can as low key as possible, he also does not need to attend.

No wake required.

Cheapest coffin, no flowers, just a direct burial. Her friends can pay their own respects and organise a wake. It’s a wonder she has any friends if she was like that. I know they don’t realise that but people usually show their true colours at some point!

We've just arranged a direct cremation for a relative who wanted one.

We've been told it could be 12 weeks before we get the ashes back. Which is fine.

But it struck me that if you have a similar time frame with Sam these 'friends' will have probably buggered off by the time that rolls around.

Absolutely the estate should do nothing less than is required by law, if that's just disposing of the body in a hygienic way, then that's what happens. Cremation's the cheapest and no need for anyone to be present or any sort of service at all.

I wouldn't use the burial plot either I don't think. Fuck Sam. Tbh I'd be tempted to send the ashes to landfill if Bob thinks that would be cathartic. Or use them for cat litter.

No funeral at all, Bob donates body to science. Job done.

Are the friends on glue? Bob & relativeshould ignore them. If pressed tell them to do it themselves.

I'd do a direct cremation and give it to the mates. I wouldn't want to be organising it at all. If it's already been paid for then ring up the company and ask them to sort it all out with a nominated mate if the deceased, at no extra cost.

good plan

It's the dead person that pays for their own funeral, the LA will only take over if there are no assets. And the funeral comes first before any debtors are paid.

It sounds like Sam had assets. Bob should do a direct cremation and ask the crematorium to dispose of the ashes any way they wish.

If the supporting relative can ascertain whether there was a prepaid funeral plan then any arrangements made can go ahead. Neither the supporting relative or Bob should get involved or attend. If no prepaid plan then the supporting relative could arrange the cheapest direct cremation possible and the bill can be paid from Sam's estate and the ashes scattered. If Sam's "friends" wish to organise and pay for a wake that's fine but Bob and relative need not be involved.

Donating a body to science has to be officially arranged in advance of death, by the person concerned and even if that's in place, there is no guarantee it will be accepted when the time comes (factors such as cause of death, etc)

It's totally irrelevant what Sam's wishes were - these are presumably 2nd hand accounts of that and not detailed on paper. If I were Bob I would cancel all but the minimum legal requirement and get on with my life.

That's isn't how it works. You can't just fake a will

In that case then use the plot and anything already paid for. Nothing else

Not being unreasonable at all. Let Sam’s mates arrange their own wake if they want to. Bob and other relatives don’t have to do anything they don’t want to in these circumstances.

Actually there is form in my family for friends doing something like this. When my Dad died, we only had immediate family at the funeral at my Mum’s request as she couldn’t face a big do at the time. My Dad’s mates did subsequently organise their own memorial/ wake a couple of months later, which I attended. So, my point being if Sam’s friends want to give him their own send off, there’s nothing stopping them. Bob shouldn’t be guilted into doing it. He can organise a ‘direct cremation’ - minimal cost, no fuss, no attendees.

Bob and friend should do the legal bare minimum and leave Sam’s friends to pay for their own party, if they so desire.

Science is very fussy. Most bodies are rejected.

Not only is science fussy, you have to be signed up before you die.

LOVE IT !!!!