To de-arrange the funeral?

[Funeraldilemma1]

NC but reg poster.

An old person I’ll call Sam recently died. They were the parent of someone I’ll call Bob. Bob was severely neglected by Sam right from birth - his practical needs like feeding and washing not attended to with neighbours having to step in, frequently told he was unwanted, banned from the house if Sam had “company” over, I believe Bob spent some time in care but was never removed from Sam’s custody. They went NC around 30 years ago.

Sam has never acknowledged Bob’s existence. Gleefully told Bob he’d been written out of the will. Now they’ve died, some of the admin has fallen to a relative of Bob, as Bob can’t handle having any involvement due to lasting trauma. The relative has ascertained there may not be a will, and is going to deal with the admin and paperwork. Relative has been informed by friends of Sam that Sam wished for a lavish funeral, and had lots of local friends who liked them and want to attend a funeral, but these people never knew Sam had a child as they completely denied Bob’s existence. Sam’s friends have no idea of the abuse and neglect Bob endured.

Bob and his relative are not willing to arrange a funeral. They have said they don’t intend to carry out Sam’s wishes and want to cancel any pre-arranged plans Sam may have made. Friends of Sam feel this is cruel and they should “be the bigger people”. As there’s no will, Bob is legal next of kin so in a procedural sense he does have the final say but who is BU?

Sam's friends can jog on. Bob is not unreasonable to abstain from the funeral arrangements. If Sam's friends want to give her a big send-off, let them sort it out.

Ignore the reservation for the burial plot. Bob doesn't need to know there's a piece of ground somewhere set aside to remember Sam. Go for a cheap direct cremation and ask the staff there to scatter the ashes in the garden with no relatives involved. Hopefully there's enough money left to cover this and give Bob a bit over for himself.

Send Sam for cremation with no funeral and Bob can decide what to do with any inheritance. I once met a man who refused to accept a small inheritance of £10k from his step father, who had abused his mother in a 25 year marriage. He could afford it, but at the time I felt there was nobility in the refusal to comply with an abuser's last wishes.

I wonder if this is Sam's final 'up yours' to Bob knowing he's the only next of kin. As I've said earlier Bob has no obligation whatsoever to this awful woman. He doesn't need to put himself through further trauma. I hope Bob can move on and heal as much as possible and live a full and happy life knowing this nasty individual has gone. I never wish ill on anyone but when I learned that my abuser had broken their leg late one evening while walking a deserted lane and lay there for hours before help came, i felt glad he suffered but also sort of wish he had not been helped. Thank you for supporting Bob. Xxxx

I’m team Bob.

Why should he ensure Sam has a lovely funeral when she never bothered to ensure he had a half decent life.

There was a poster on here a while ago with a similar dilemma.

They didn't want to accept the money either feeling it was a final attempt after being NC to get into their life again. They felt the money was tainted and anything they spent it on would be a reminder that would prevent them moving on with their life and that this was a deliberate ploy.

In the end they did accept the bequest but donated it all to a charity that supported victims of sexual abuse as a deserved fuck you to their family member and with a sense of peace that some good had come from the money but not in a way that would add to their trauma or be a reminder of that person.

@Funeraldilemma1 hopefully sam has arranged a prepaid funeral! if relatives do not want to pay for anything they should not arrange a thing or else they will be held responsible for the billing!

Relative should appoint a solicitor to do the admin and organise a very basic funeral / cremation and pay for this out of the estate.

Solicitor can process the estate and ensure all proceeds go to Bob

Then have nothing more to do with it.

Friends can organise and pay for whatever lavish memorial they wish.

Bob and relative are not unreasonable

Interested to know how this knowledge has come about? If no contact how are you in contact with the friends?
And who will be executor and sort out the estate?

I would want to try and control the funeral ....you don't want someone else arranging a lavish wake and charging the estate for it and the executor paying up.
The last couple of funerals I have been to for older people have been almost brutally honest. One was crematorium with a vicar but did a non religious ceremony. The other was in church with a vicar that knew them well. They talked about them being difficult. They talked about difficult periods in their lives and their relationships.

So I would arrange a basic crematorium service. No cars, no flowers. And I would be the one speaking to the celebrant. Making sure they talked about Bob and how Bob and Sam weren't close, and she wasn't a natural mother and she could be distant with her family.
So her friends can't say there wasn't a funeral but they get to hear the truth.

I’m glad you’re supporting Bob.
I wouldn’t let pre-paid funeral arrangements “go to waste” (if there are any). Apart from that I’d support Bob and go with the cheapest options / whatever Bob wants.

Sam’s friends can arrange and pay for a lavish memorial service. If they’re truly that dedicated…

edit: I do agree with PP about being careful of potential financial ramifications. Don’t tell them to arrange anything.

They’re free to do their own thing without any involvement of you whatsoever. And you’ll probably want to make it clear that this would not be connected to the actual funeral or supported by Sam’s family. They’d have to arrange and pay for everything themselves without any contributions from Sam’s estate.

If Sam wished for a lavish funeral they should have prepaid & named someone to deal with it.

If it's prepaid & the person dealing with everything doesn't want to follow through-what then?

Hoe can Bob be written out of the will if there is no will?

I'd go with the funeral that Sam planned. But forget having a reception/wake/tea after it. If the friends want to go to the pub and reminiss so be it. You can look out for Bob and make sure they are OK.

Feelings may resurface and old wounds reopen. He may need support.

This is the best approach I agree.
The 'party goers' can arrange and pay for everything else and have a big party on their own at their expense.

Sam's friends just want to party on her dime, which is now Bob's dime. Team Bob here too.

Reserved a burial plot you say? Cremate her.

It does sound like it doesn't it?

https://www.gov.uk/applying-for-probate/if-theres-not-a-will

I would refuse to organise anything other than the burn and return service and i would be telling them to keep the ashes.

If Sam did not leave a will then Bob, as Sam’s only child, is Sam’s sole beneficiary.

Now that Sam is dead, it falls to the executor (the relative of Bob’s) to ensure that Sam’s affairs are dealt with, probate is applied for (if applicable) and Sam’s estate is distributed (in this case passed to the sole beneficiary).

The executor is usually allowed to access enough if a deceased person’s estate to cover basic funeral costs, but they often have to borrow money for that and to pay inheritance tax, then pay themselves back once the estate is ready to be distributed. It can be very stressful.

Unless Sam has already paid for a funeral or left a letter of wishes with their wil, then the executor should only listen to beneficiary when deciding about funeral arrangements. It is not within the executor’s powers to put on a lavish funeral because friends want it. Even if there is a letter of wishes. It has no legal weight and the executor can ignore it if they deem it inappropriate.

It is clear that the right thing to do is respect Bob’s wishes. Friends can fund and host their own party in memory of Sam if they want.

Sam's friends have no rights, so they can have a private piss up in their local if they wish to celebrate his/her life. But Bob is well within his rights to dispose of the body according to the law without a funeral.

The people who want the funeral can pay for it if that’s their desire, they don’t have the right to expect anything from an abuser’s family.

Friends of the abuser are not very nice people, that’s probably why they were friends.

Me too
Poor Bob
Glad you're in his corner

I think it is fairly clear that Sam is female! The part about Bob being kicked out when 'company' was expected makes that fairly clear. Poor Bob, I hope he feels at peace now his toxic mother is gone. I hate people who abuse kids and animals, they are the lowest of the lower and if I believed in it, I would say they burn in eternal hellfire.

Friends of Sam can have their own funeral if they want one that badly.

Would they have any right to arrange one?