To de-arrange the funeral?

[Funeraldilemma1]

NC but reg poster.

An old person I’ll call Sam recently died. They were the parent of someone I’ll call Bob. Bob was severely neglected by Sam right from birth - his practical needs like feeding and washing not attended to with neighbours having to step in, frequently told he was unwanted, banned from the house if Sam had “company” over, I believe Bob spent some time in care but was never removed from Sam’s custody. They went NC around 30 years ago.

Sam has never acknowledged Bob’s existence. Gleefully told Bob he’d been written out of the will. Now they’ve died, some of the admin has fallen to a relative of Bob, as Bob can’t handle having any involvement due to lasting trauma. The relative has ascertained there may not be a will, and is going to deal with the admin and paperwork. Relative has been informed by friends of Sam that Sam wished for a lavish funeral, and had lots of local friends who liked them and want to attend a funeral, but these people never knew Sam had a child as they completely denied Bob’s existence. Sam’s friends have no idea of the abuse and neglect Bob endured.

Bob and his relative are not willing to arrange a funeral. They have said they don’t intend to carry out Sam’s wishes and want to cancel any pre-arranged plans Sam may have made. Friends of Sam feel this is cruel and they should “be the bigger people”. As there’s no will, Bob is legal next of kin so in a procedural sense he does have the final say but who is BU?

How will Bob feel if an exuberant celebration goes on without them? Would that feel freeing for them, or distressing that the control had been taken away and they couldn't stop it happening? For some people walking away is obviously in their interests. For others I wonder if letting Sam's friends control the thing might cause more distress than they anticipate.

Proper disposal of the body and paperwork processing are not the same thing as a memorial service. One is a matter of hygiene and bureaucracy. The later is completely optional.

the later also doesn’t have to follow the Christian model. It doesn’t have to be in a church or crematorium. It doesn’t have to be lead by a religious figure. It can be organized to the planners whims.

people like to make statements like funerals are open to the public, or you can keep it simple with direct cremation, but you can do whatever you want. you could spend the day at an amusement park and call it a funeral if you want.

Whoever pays for the funeral decides. I am assuming Bob won't want to pay for it, or the relative. So unless the friends chip in, or Sam had a prepaid funeral plan with instructions to a funeral director, Sam won't get the funeral they wanted.

Your title suggests a funeral is already arranged? If there was a pre paid funeral or a will that specified what the deceased wanted (and there was money to pay for it) then the funeral could go ahead without Bob’s involvement. If not, just do the bare minimum. The friends can organise what they want.

As there’s no will, Bob is legal next of kin so in a procedural sense he does have the final say but who is BU?

The friends. If they are so bothered, they can organise and pay for a funeral.

If no pre paid funeral arranged, direct cremation and Sam’s friends can organise their own memorial.

If Sam wanted a lavish funeral Sam could have arranged and paid for it in advance.

Given Sam has not done this, and has left the handling of their estate to Team Bob, I would assume Sam didn't actually care that much.

Sam's friends are of course welcome to cough up for a lavish memorial service.

But Team Bob would be entirely justified in only using the estate to pay for a direct cremation.

He had no contact with his abuser for 30 years. Of course he should not arrange a lavish funeral!
I guess the estate is obliged to arrange a basic cremation, with no guests or ceremony etc. the abuser's so called friends can have a party or funeral if they loved the person so much. I'd say I'd think maybe they weren't such a nice person after all if their kid wants nothing to do with them, even in death.

Normally I would argue that the wishes of the deceased should be respected. This is an exception I think.

The money for a basic funeral should be paid from the estate, a direct funeral is cheapest. His friends can arrange a wake at their own expense if they so desire

Looks pretty unanimous so far! Thanks all. I am Bob’s relative. I fully support him, I have seen the effects of the trauma on Bob and Sam really was a horrendous woman. “De-arrange” was possibly not the correct wording, I don’t know if Sam pre paid for any funeral arrangements beyond reserving a burial plot.

Is there money in the estate to pay for a basic funeral? I'd do that, and let the 'friends' know that they're welcome to have whatever do they want, but you and Bob aren't interested.

I feel like thanking you on behalf of Bob, as if it's any of my business!

Ah, that's what I was guessing. Good for you for supporting Bob. If you can find no evidence of a pre-paid funeral, I'd go for the cheapest possible way of getting Sam's remains into the plot.

People who aren't left either organising or paying typically have far too many opinions.

Bob & relative should do whatever is best for them.

Direct cremation organised by relative. Nobody informed.

If Sam's friends want to go and celebrate Sam's life, there's nothing stopping them. Oh, apart from the obvious fact that they want Sam's estate to pay for it! They can go and fuck themselves.

Agree.

Bob doesn't know Sam's friends so with luck, any misplaced judgement they have on him won't reach him or affect him much. He or a relative can arrange the lowest cost cremation. Friends can finance their own memorial service if they want to - Bob will be long gone.

Arrange a direct cremation. Sam's friends can organise and pay for whatever they want themselves.

Fuck Sam. Fuck being the bigger people. It’s a horrible phrase people to trot out to tell the victims of child abuse to accept the abuse and minimise what’s been done to them. Imagine saying to a woman: don’t leave your husband; be the bigger person. Don’t report the rapist; be the bigger person.

I wouldn’t be doing anything towards a funeral; the friends can arrange something.

Take the bastards money and spend it on repairing the damage.

Also joining the club of Bob ignores the friends completely. The friends can make their own arrangements. I have experience of this situation- strong ignoring muscles and grey rock. To Bob - I’m really sorry that he’s having to deal with any of this

My half-brother did. My Mother had a paid up plan (around £7k in it) but he arranged a direct cremation (<1k).
Interestingly I was Bob in this situation.
Imo Sam's friends can hold whatever celebration they wish. Bob can either arrange a cheap disposal like my half brother did or the council may provide what used to be known as a 'paupers funeral'. Bob 'owes' Sam nothing at all.

If Sam has paid for a funeral then that should go ahead. Bob does not have to do anything at all. He does not have to attend or get involved. If I were you supporting Bob I would advise them just to stay out of it. Leave it to others to organise the day they want. And pay for it if they wish. Or not. Sam was important to other people, notwithstanding their neglect of Bob. Leave them to it. Just leave it all and decline to get involved. No one can force Bob and the best, dignified, position would be to absent themselves rather than to be thought spiteful.

Whilst he owes the mother nothing, the council will not fund a funeral if the deceased person has assets to pay for one. As the relative you need to establish if there's a prepaid funeral plan and/or assets to fund a basic cremation, if so then no point approaching the council. If there's no assets then it's possible to say that there is no one to pay and request they make the appropriate arrangements for a direct cremation, the friends have no say

I am firmly of the opinion that funerals are for the living, not the dead. Cremate Sam as cheaply as possible and be done with it.

I would bet good money that Sam wanted a lavish funeral to turn the knife on Bob one last time. Do what Bob needs not his abuser.

If Sam wanted a specific type of funeral then they should have paid for / made plans for that already.

If no such plans are in place it's up to Bob and the supporting relative to act as they see fit and imho that means centring the living and not adding to past trauma.

If that means straight to crem then so be it (and bury the ashes in the plot that's been purchased without ceremony and the most basic headstone).

If Sam's friends want to organise their own wake they can crack on and fund it themselves but be clear family have zero intention of celebrating the life of an abuser.

Most importantly for the family member is to shield Bob and frankly treat this as an unfortunate piece of admin that needs to be done and dusted with as little fanfare as possible.