Brother has swindled DM out of over £100k- desperate advice please

[Unicornfairysoap]

Sorry I’m posting in aibu for traffic.

this is long, you may remember such threads as brother Pretended to dying DF to be in the navy to get money, pretend to be in mi6, threatened me with a multi billion £ law suit for saying he doesn’t have a PhD (he literally doesn’t, so it’s a stupid lie)

well DF died a few years ago and it’s been just dm, she lives 2/3 hrs away from my, brother lives closer. She works part time (20hrs a week) and gets my dads old pension and hers, which I’ve totalled as around £3.5k per month (no mortgage just bills). She’s been frequently crying to me she’s not got any money, I thought she was having me on a bit, but I had suspicions brother had claws in. Well she was visiting yesterday and broke down from not being able to pay her bills, she just kept repeating she’s not earning enough now, which she clearly is. The bills were only a few hundred too and she’s not the type to ask for money. I got quite concerned, and I noticed constant phone calls and texts coming in from brother. Now he’s the type that doesn’t contact unless he needs or wants something.

she went to the loo, and I snooped. I know it’s a total break of trust but I was genuinely concerned. I saw a list she’d wrote to him when he was telling her she was dead to him because she couldn’t give him £4k at the drop of a hat. The list went from 2019-2022 (so not even the last 18 months) and it detailed how she’d given him £120k over that time. He’s been going on luxurious holidays in that time. In a legal dispute with his ex. But he’s taking her to the cleaners and im genuinely worried. I looks like pure coercive control and an abusive relationship.

thing is i can’t tell her I looked and saw what I saw. She won’t take kindly to me calling social services or the police to talk with her, it will likely push her further to him.

shes 73 and he’s taken probably £150k at least

This is what I’m wondering too

BS, you don’t pay for security clearance, your employer pays.

Op has updated. The DM has now admitted that she has been sending money to son although not the full extent that OP knows about.

The only way to sort it is to be blunt, to be frank. You are all pretending that everything in the garden is lovely when it isn't. Your dickhead fantasist of a brother is the elephant in the room.

You need to say to her, 'You know perfectly well why you've got no money, Mum. It's because you keep sending thousands of pounds to Brian, who is spending them on luxury holidays whilst pretending to you he's a spy or some other bullshit. There is no point in crying to me whilst sending him all your money and then weeping that you can't pay the gas bill. Stop sending him money.

It really is that simple. Do you want me to report the situation officially, because I'm quite happy to? But in the meantime, as long as he's ripping you off for every penny he can steal from you then nothing is going to happen and you are going to keep struggling. I'm pissed off with it to be honest - and if you took a good look at it you'd see how unfair it was to hand over all this money to ONE of your children. Presumably you are going to leave your entire estate to me to make up for all the money Brian has had out of you?

Paying money up front for a uk clearance? Nope. Never, not ever. My late husband was in a post for several years that had a high security clearance with the government (took 9 months to get the clearance it was that detailed) and was regularly reviewed over the years , and no money was ever requested. Can you imagine asking any candidate for a post that needs any security clearance - like folks in the military or in the security services - to pay up front for the security clearance? Even some folks in BT have to have security clearances. Even private companies pay for their own clearances - how could you trust someone that the candidate had paid for themselves? It’s a nonsense.

I know someone who has this for his job and his employer (his sponsor) pay for it. He has the highest level one which is very intrusive! Basically scrutinising him to make sure he has no skeletons in his closet that would leave him open for blackmail (debt, dodgy relationships etc...).

Which check is it? There are 5 levels of varying intrusiveness:

• Accreditation Check (AC)
• Counter Terrorist Check (CTC)
• Level 1B
• Security Check (SC)
• Developed Vetting (DV)

You wouldn't have to pay for yourself, or not at the high level. The lower level isn't expensive so he shouldn't need to borrow money.

Your mum needs to ask him for the paperwork.

No, this is not the way to handle this.

As DM has now admitted she has been financing the son, the mother is understandably upset and just waking up to what she has "allowed" and the OP has been advised to take it easy on her.

But, of course, the Op should still get to the bank and get advice from them.

Call him and play dumb. Say you’re really worried about your mum, as she’s constantly saying she doesn’t have enough to live on but she can’t explain to you why she doesn’t have any finances. Tell him your mum won’t tell you anything but you worry that maybe some she works with or a friend has been financially abusing her. Say you’re going to report it to the police as they take financial abuse very seriously nowadays but in the mean time can he give your mum a loan to help her out.

Op I am trying to say this as kindly as possible...

With your last thread everyone told you your brother was lying and lying and lying. Absolutely nothing has changed apart from the fact that your parent is now a financial victim.

You need to be proactive about this.

I think this has legs.

You get the job offer dependent on security clearance and in all cases I know, you wouldn't have to pay for the security clearance. You just fill out the forms and the government department would do it

This

Occasionally you'll get private companies who try it on by billing applicants for this kind of thing, but certainly not government departments

Realistically you know it's nonsense and call tell your mum the same if she doesn't already know. Unfortunately he'll spin it as his "big chance" which means he'll never need to ask for money again, so whether she'll listen is open to doubt

The company always pays for for security clearance. If your mum continues to give your brother money, then she'll have to sell her house and downsize to a flat. If she continues even further, she'll end up homeless and in a temporary bed sit/hotel room. Make sure you tell him that. Is it better if they go no contact?

Smells like bullshit to me. The only time you would be expected to have provided your own security clearance is if you were a contractor providing a service rather than an employee. And they wouldn't even touch you without that clearance having been in place at least previously.

To be honest, wouldn't his financially precarious situation, where he is receiving chunks of money from someone mean he would never pass the top level security clearances? He would be far too financially vulnerable to never be viewed as anything other than a risk.

No contact is the only way with something like this but she won’t.

the think is she has deep pockets and an expensive home so he could really bleed her dry.

hes a project manager so needs top secret government security clearance apparently. Such a load of shit

Tell Him all Her accounts are frozen due to suspected fraud and that the police are getting involved, so best not to ask her for money until you find out who has taken her life savings.

The employer pays for vetting. If it is ajob where the employee has to pay to get it it is a scam and should be avoided. Even if he needed the money to get out of jail in Thailand however she should be giving him no more money ever for any reason whatsoever.

However it is her money of course and she can give it how she likes so these are not easy issues.

Op, is there any way you can get his number from your mum and tell him this?

I would still go to bank but DON'T tell him this..

No no, security clearance is free. Well to the prospective employee. Within government it’s done internally. Tell her to tell him that the bank is suspicious and has asked for evidence before they’ll send another payment to him- he needs to send details of the job and who’s doing the clearance so she can send to the bank’s fraud team.

I would be absolutely seething. I know how you feel about getting the heavies round on him. He deserves it. Could you tell him you know what he's up to and you'll involve the police unless it stops now? You need to establish if she's willing to admit what's happening, and is strong enough to see it's wrong and stop giving him it. If he's threatening her etc then it is a police matter. Could you go to the bank with her and talk to them about it? They could put a block on anything coming out except certain bills etc?

Just say that you believe your brother is abusing her because he is paying for stuff that he can’t afford, meanwhile she is broke. Don’t back down

In all cases I know of security clearances including DV are paid by the employer

OP I don’t have time to RTFT now, but I just want to make sure this charity has been included for n the info you’ve got https://wearehourglass.org/who-we-are#:~:text=That's%20why%20Hourglass%20is%20so%20vital.&text=free%2Dto%2Dcall%2024%2F,%2C%20financial%2C%20sexual%20or%20neglect.

They advise on all types of elder abuse, including financial, and they’re SO helpful- I’ve called them a couple of times for professional reasons. Good luck.

I’d be tempted for DM to text him this too!

Op, what has happened since your mother broke down and admitted she has been sending money to him? I hope she's ok. It must be hard for her to come to terms with this from her son.

In the meantime. I hope you can persuade her to go to the bank with you and get controls put in place whereby no money leaves her account to his without proper checks and a flag is placed on her account as a vulnerable customer.

She’s here with me, and he’s been called about the security clearance but she’s not given it and is saying she’s broke thankfully