Brother has swindled DM out of over £100k- desperate advice please

[Unicornfairysoap]

Sorry I’m posting in aibu for traffic.

this is long, you may remember such threads as brother Pretended to dying DF to be in the navy to get money, pretend to be in mi6, threatened me with a multi billion £ law suit for saying he doesn’t have a PhD (he literally doesn’t, so it’s a stupid lie)

well DF died a few years ago and it’s been just dm, she lives 2/3 hrs away from my, brother lives closer. She works part time (20hrs a week) and gets my dads old pension and hers, which I’ve totalled as around £3.5k per month (no mortgage just bills). She’s been frequently crying to me she’s not got any money, I thought she was having me on a bit, but I had suspicions brother had claws in. Well she was visiting yesterday and broke down from not being able to pay her bills, she just kept repeating she’s not earning enough now, which she clearly is. The bills were only a few hundred too and she’s not the type to ask for money. I got quite concerned, and I noticed constant phone calls and texts coming in from brother. Now he’s the type that doesn’t contact unless he needs or wants something.

she went to the loo, and I snooped. I know it’s a total break of trust but I was genuinely concerned. I saw a list she’d wrote to him when he was telling her she was dead to him because she couldn’t give him £4k at the drop of a hat. The list went from 2019-2022 (so not even the last 18 months) and it detailed how she’d given him £120k over that time. He’s been going on luxurious holidays in that time. In a legal dispute with his ex. But he’s taking her to the cleaners and im genuinely worried. I looks like pure coercive control and an abusive relationship.

thing is i can’t tell her I looked and saw what I saw. She won’t take kindly to me calling social services or the police to talk with her, it will likely push her further to him.

shes 73 and he’s taken probably £150k at least

I remember your posts! Coercive control is illegal even if she has capacity.

In your situation I would involve adult social services to do an assessment and report to the police. Having both will bear more weight!

I would definitely speak to the police on the non emergency number and see what they say. I'm guessing not a lot as she has freely been giving him the money but if she can log the coercive control and subsequent abuse, she may be able to get somewhere.

Id also speak to her bank and notify them of whats happening.

Keep speaking to her, its good she's opened up to you.

Apply here
https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney

I would call the bank. I believe they have a duty to act on something like this even is she is willingly giving it. It is still elder abuse.

She is terrified that if you expose the abuse, she will lose the love of her son which she has paid dearly for. You can help her here, to understand that you won’t judge her. To slow realise that she has been bullied, and that the only way to deal with bullies is to stand up to them. That no one should be made to feel so unhappy and worried by a family member.

Don’t be openly critical of your brother’s actions with her (at first) - sympathise with HER desire to support and help him, and her maternal protectiveness to ensure he is always “fine”. Shower her in love and try to create lighter moments - maybe watch a funny film together, or enjoy a walk in a nearby park, or treat her to a coffee and cake at a cafe. Help her realise the weight of her oppression and tell her straight that you can’t bear to see her so worried about money and you only want to help. Tell her she can tell you anything -nothing will shock you, nothing is so bad she can’t share it with you. Reassure her, She is in control - but together you can solve the problems better than she can on her own.

As soon as she confesses she will experience some relief. Let her cry, give her a hug, and tell her it will all be okay, you will help her fix things. Don’t jump in with solutions too fast, just let her get used to being open with you to start with.

With Power of Attorney people sometimes forget that as long as someone has capacity it doesn't stop them making their own decisions, so wouldn't necessarily stop the payments

Worse still, if when she tells him she's planning this he'll probably try to persuade her to grant him PoA, then start pressing for a dementia diagnosis so he can control the money completely

A case, perhaps, of being careful what you wish for?

This is very difficult, she's under his spell, trapped because of her loyalty to him 🥺
He knows it, he knows that she is trapped.

If she is mentally competent then now is the time to get a POA in place, but do it quickly, online , in case he gets the same idea.

How did it go from here, OP? I very much doubt this is a thing that you'll solve in a morning - she might need to start by managing the "Jesus Christ he's had over £100k" realisation - but it sounds like she's really starting to understand how untenable this is.

Speaking as a child who funded a parent for a long time at the expense of my ability to meet my own bills, I feel terribly sorry for her but I also know from my own experience that ultimately this has to end with her saying no and meaning it. That's a long, hard journey. I had to have a lot of therapy to pull myself together enough to say it.

I think you need to be extremely careful OP. Great that she’s opened up to you, but you need to get your ducks in a row before your brother works out that the money train is stopping. I agree that he could push for POA in his name, and clearly your mum is easily persuaded by him.

Also be careful not to alienate your mum. Sympathise with her that she wants to help your brother of course, but it shouldn’t be leaving her struggling for cash each month. Maybe agree an amount she can give him (much as this would enrage me, it’s a step in the right direction!) so that she can say I only have x amount spare this month rather than saying no completely.

Does he have any access to her accounts or her statements etc? Maybe look to move her savings to an account that she can’t easily access, if possible one that you can keep an eye on, and just keep the monthly spending money in her current account.

He’s starting again, he needs money for uksv security clearance.

saying he’s secured a government job and this is the final stage

anyone know, surely this would be done prior to job offer?

This may be an unpopular opinion here (and believe me I understand that you want to help your mother here @Unicornfairysoap ) but you can only help someone who wants your help.
You've suggested on-line banking and other options that are available to your mum but she isn't interested, really genuinely interested in stopping paying money over to your abusive brother.
I would have a conversation with her, explain to her that she isn't actually helping him by doing these things for him. That if he really wanted money he could work for it like every other adult and by doing what she is doing, she is making it worse for him over time. That she must stop being his cash cow (sometimes harsh words might be necessary) and that if she can't make her bills but by sending him money he is living high on life, that isn't fair or just or right.

I'd finish off the conversation saying to her that while you sympathise with her and realise that she is in a difficult situation, she has a choice and it is this - she agrees to hand over control of her bank accounts, all of them to you as you take POA over them. All financial requirements (paying bills etc) will go through you from now on or you will be left with no option but to reach out to the authorities and let them deal with it.

It's up to you though how you deal with this as it is financial and emotional abuse and she clearly needs help but can't see the wood for the trees and doesn't know how to stop the cycle of destruction.

Anyone know?

get your ducks in a row before your brother works out that the money train is stopping
I agree with this, your brother appears to be amoral/sociopathic, and has some hold over her.

If it looks like the police are not an option, are you able to pay for some legal advice looking into taking control of your mums finances? It appears she's vulnerable and being taken advantage of, so might it be possible to declare her incompetent of looking after own affairs and you taking over control of her finances/savings with her having an allowance for monthly spend (sort of a Britney light)? If this is something that can be done, I'd suggest keeping quiet until everything is in place to stop her tipping your brother off. It sounds like she may realise what's happening and asking for your help in a roundabout way, whilst keeping a level of deniability that she's admitted to anything.

This will be a lie, look at the way he has set it up, if she doesn't give him the money he will miss his big chance to make it big, and it will all be her fault.
He has tailored this exactly to fit her weaknesses and exploit her loyalty to him. That's how it looks to me.

He's obviously just pulling the same shit again but with different reason. The point is he shouldn't be asking at all for money, the reasons are irrelevant.

I don’t have an answer but it’s irrelevant; if he needs money he can get a bank loan.

The bank has a due to check where the money is going, and should have done this each and every time money was deposited.

If you have time, can you pop into the branch (if you still have a local one open) and explain your concerns and what advice they can give. At least going forward they should put more secure checks in place to ensure she’s not being financial controlled.

Yes, as above. I would as a first step visit the bank and discuss, they can be very helpful, I have found.

I don't live in the UK@Unicornfairysoap, but from this and your previous threads, I know and YOU KNOW this is bullshit!

He’s lying about security clearance! Google it they have info online on the gov website

The bank is definitely your first priority in this matter. That is where the money is coming from and they have a duty of care. Police and Social services, although useful in the long run, will take far too long. Get to the bank!

You get the job offer dependent on security clearance and in all cases I know, you wouldn't have to pay for the security clearance. You just fill out the forms and the government department would do it. You don't have to pay for it. It's not the point though. Why on earth would your 70 year old mum have to pay for anything for her grown up son? She can just ask him to pay for it out of the £120k she gave him already!

I agree with this post. She wants you to find out or she wouldn’t mention it to you. She knows it must look very suspicious to you.

I would just be honest and say you had real concerns about your brother’s behaviour so you looked at her phone. She might be angry to start with but you snooping on her phone is the least of her concerns. It will get everything out in the open.

This new thing, him claiming he's on the verge of getting a government job, is this an indication that he knows something is up and he needs to strengthen his hold over her?