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Original poster

Brother has swindled DM out of over £100k- desperate advice please

476 replies

Unicornfairysoap · 02/05/2024 09:10

Sorry I’m posting in aibu for traffic.

this is long, you may remember such threads as brother Pretended to dying DF to be in the navy to get money, pretend to be in mi6, threatened me with a multi billion £ law suit for saying he doesn’t have a PhD (he literally doesn’t, so it’s a stupid lie)

well DF died a few years ago and it’s been just dm, she lives 2/3 hrs away from my, brother lives closer. She works part time (20hrs a week) and gets my dads old pension and hers, which I’ve totalled as around £3.5k per month (no mortgage just bills). She’s been frequently crying to me she’s not got any money, I thought she was having me on a bit, but I had suspicions brother had claws in. Well she was visiting yesterday and broke down from not being able to pay her bills, she just kept repeating she’s not earning enough now, which she clearly is. The bills were only a few hundred too and she’s not the type to ask for money. I got quite concerned, and I noticed constant phone calls and texts coming in from brother. Now he’s the type that doesn’t contact unless he needs or wants something.

she went to the loo, and I snooped. I know it’s a total break of trust but I was genuinely concerned. I saw a list she’d wrote to him when he was telling her she was dead to him because she couldn’t give him £4k at the drop of a hat. The list went from 2019-2022 (so not even the last 18 months) and it detailed how she’d given him £120k over that time. He’s been going on luxurious holidays in that time. In a legal dispute with his ex. But he’s taking her to the cleaners and im genuinely worried. I looks like pure coercive control and an abusive relationship.

thing is i can’t tell her I looked and saw what I saw. She won’t take kindly to me calling social services or the police to talk with her, it will likely push her further to him.

shes 73 and he’s taken probably £150k at least

OP posts:
Thread gallery
15
Terrribletwos · 02/05/2024 13:59

Unicornfairysoap · 02/05/2024 13:56

She’s here with me, and he’s been called about the security clearance but she’s not given it and is saying she’s broke thankfully

Show quote history

Ok, that's definitely a good start.

I feel sorry for your mum, it must be a hard realisation for her. She will be going through a lot emotionally.

wfhwfh · 02/05/2024 13:59

Hello OP,

Do you have a partner? I understand you not wanting to confront your brother when he’s been violent in the past so I wondered if there was someone outside your immediate family who could say to him you are both aware of the financial abuse and if it does not stop, the police will be called.

That way you can focus on your mum.

This isn’t meant to be a sexist suggestion - I just think with toxic families it is better getting an in-law involved as someone who is not as enmeshed in the behaviour and can be more emotionally detached.

This is an awful situation and I agree with PP that you want to ensure it stops - otherwise it will only get worse as your mother gets older and frailer. Plus she will surely want to stop working soon and she may need funds for her future care.

catherinewales · 02/05/2024 14:00

Omg this is absolutely awful. How someone can treat a parent like this is beyond me. Just wanted to send you and your poor mum a massive hug and I hope she comes to her senses soon xx

diddl · 02/05/2024 14:03

It's all well & good saying that she is broke-will he try to get her to sell the house?

ScentOfSawdust · 02/05/2024 14:04

Legally, an individual, even a contractor, can’t apply for their own clearance. It has to be applied for on their behalf. The sponsor would either be the department itself or the contracted organisation that the individual is working for.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 02/05/2024 14:04

The security clearance thing is rubbish. The government does its own security checks or pays for them to be done. It does not expect prospective employees to fund them. I know someone who's been DVd to be able to work as a self-employed contractor and they were not asked to contribute to the cost. I'm so sorry that your brother's like this.

MrsCarson · 02/05/2024 14:04

I know you say she's come clean about it all now, but can you still call Age Concern?
Tell her that they know all about these things and may have some good advice, as other people have gone through the same thing and will be able to help her deal with it all.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 02/05/2024 14:04

How much is he saying it'll cost, OP?

DriftingDora · 02/05/2024 14:06

OP, haven't read all the posts, but have you posted this in Legal on here for advice?

Terrribletwos · 02/05/2024 14:07

diddl · 02/05/2024 14:03

It's all well & good saying that she is broke-will he try to get her to sell the house?

I think that the OP has taken the comments on board and is working it (gently) through with her mum so I am fairly sure the Op is well aware of what the future might hold considering the brother's past behaviour but anyway good point to note.

Allofaflutter · 02/05/2024 14:07

How awful, what a scumbag, I’m so sorry OP.

NotMiranda · 02/05/2024 14:09

Unicornfairysoap · 02/05/2024 13:19

He’s starting again, he needs money for uksv security clearance.

saying he’s secured a government job and this is the final stage

anyone know, surely this would be done prior to job offer?

AFAIK, security clearance is paid for and has to be requested by the employer. I have high level clearance which was paid for (c.£1800 I think) by my employer at the time.

NotMiranda · 02/05/2024 14:14

And I think it can only be requested by the organisation's own vetting officer through a request to UKSV.
https://www.gov.uk/government/organisations/united-kingdom-security-vetting

BruFord · 02/05/2024 14:18

Wow, what a scumbag. I agree with PP’s suggesting that you contact Age UK for advice. Your brother isn’t going to stop harassing your Mum for money so you need to find out what can be put in place to protect her.

POA is one option, although there may be others.

newyorkhotel · 02/05/2024 14:19

He's flat out lying. I just googled it, they apparently go through your bank statements- it says:
A routine , or interview will cover all aspects of your life. At the interview, the vetting officer will build as complete a picture of you as possible. The purpose of this is so we can make an informed assessment that you will be able to cope with access to sensitive information or assets at the highest levels and will not become a security risk and a threat to national security.Key themes include:


  • your loyalty, honesty and reliability, and identifying any vulnerabilities that could lead you to being bribed or blackmailed

  • your wider family background (relationships and influences)

  • past experiences of drug taking (if any)

  • financial affairs

  • general political views

  • foreign travel

  • hobbies.

If you are asked to attend an interview in relation to a , Level 1B or application, the interview will usually cover a specific area of your life, but may extend to include questions asked in a full interview.It literally says they want to see bank statements so unless he is going to explain to them how he's fleecing his own mother he's bullshitting.Bloody hell, he knows exactly how to manipulate her doesnt he? glad she said no

Quiettiger · 02/05/2024 14:22

Unicornfairysoap · 02/05/2024 13:19

He’s starting again, he needs money for uksv security clearance.

saying he’s secured a government job and this is the final stage

anyone know, surely this would be done prior to job offer?

An employer will pay for UKSV clearance and it won't be given willy nilly, it will take several months. Your toss pot brother wouldn't have to pay - especially to get a government job.

NotMiranda · 02/05/2024 14:23

@newyorkhotel as far as I remember, it's only at DV (developed vetting) level that they go through bank statements. There are two lower levels - BPSS (baseline personnel security screening) and SC (security clearance).

JustHereWithMyPopcorn · 02/05/2024 14:23

I would also check that he hasn't 'made' your mum change her will. he sounds exactly the sort of person who would do exactly that. Or try and get her to do a POA so he can access her funds directly. God, what a piece of work he is, your poor mum actually sounds scared of him.

Terrribletwos · 02/05/2024 14:25

It seems like it's unanimous on here that your brother is lying to get more money.

Just wondering, but could he have a drug habit?

I hope your mum is ok, this must be hard for her to hear.

VenetiaHallisWellPosh · 02/05/2024 14:25

My ExH had security clearance for a Govt job and didn't shell out a bean for it.

Contact her bank today to get them to monitor her account. I would also ring Age UK.

newyorkhotel · 02/05/2024 14:26

NotMiranda · 02/05/2024 14:23

@newyorkhotel as far as I remember, it's only at DV (developed vetting) level that they go through bank statements. There are two lower levels - BPSS (baseline personnel security screening) and SC (security clearance).

Ah ok- but either way surely the employer would pay? not the applicant

LordPercyPercy · 02/05/2024 14:27

@Unicornfairysoap I watch a lot of online stuff about romance scammers and this is exactly the sort of lie they use to scam money from vulnerable, naive women.

NotMiranda · 02/05/2024 14:28

@newyorkhotel yes, I think so. I don't think there's even a mechanism for the individual to contact UKSV. Plus it's only for government and a few industry sectors like aerospace and nuclear.

MuthaHubbard · 02/05/2024 14:32

I have high level security clearance - all paid for by employer once job offered and accepted.

I'm thinking he could d be charged with controlling and coercive behaviour