Brother has swindled DM out of over £100k- desperate advice please

[Unicornfairysoap]

Sorry I’m posting in aibu for traffic.

this is long, you may remember such threads as brother Pretended to dying DF to be in the navy to get money, pretend to be in mi6, threatened me with a multi billion £ law suit for saying he doesn’t have a PhD (he literally doesn’t, so it’s a stupid lie)

well DF died a few years ago and it’s been just dm, she lives 2/3 hrs away from my, brother lives closer. She works part time (20hrs a week) and gets my dads old pension and hers, which I’ve totalled as around £3.5k per month (no mortgage just bills). She’s been frequently crying to me she’s not got any money, I thought she was having me on a bit, but I had suspicions brother had claws in. Well she was visiting yesterday and broke down from not being able to pay her bills, she just kept repeating she’s not earning enough now, which she clearly is. The bills were only a few hundred too and she’s not the type to ask for money. I got quite concerned, and I noticed constant phone calls and texts coming in from brother. Now he’s the type that doesn’t contact unless he needs or wants something.

she went to the loo, and I snooped. I know it’s a total break of trust but I was genuinely concerned. I saw a list she’d wrote to him when he was telling her she was dead to him because she couldn’t give him £4k at the drop of a hat. The list went from 2019-2022 (so not even the last 18 months) and it detailed how she’d given him £120k over that time. He’s been going on luxurious holidays in that time. In a legal dispute with his ex. But he’s taking her to the cleaners and im genuinely worried. I looks like pure coercive control and an abusive relationship.

thing is i can’t tell her I looked and saw what I saw. She won’t take kindly to me calling social services or the police to talk with her, it will likely push her further to him.

shes 73 and he’s taken probably £150k at least

That’s great news op, at least it is out in the open now, that’s half the battle.

Suggest read this info about tax free gifts per year

https://www.gov.uk/inheritance-tax/gifts

What a relief- this is great. The very fact she's admitted it for the first time is evidence that she's reached the end of her tether with it and wants it to stop. Abuse thrives in secrecy so that fact she's talking about it is a really positive step.

She will probably be shocked once it's all added up but I'd see this as the first step to ending this. Once she's come to terms with the amount I'd definitely gently suggest seeing a solicitor to protect her going forward. Even if she doesnt want to get the police involved for the past amounts, a solicitor will help protect her going forward. Well done OP

If you can, try not to push her into anything too much for her, too soon, it will be much better is she comes to the realisation herself and wants to change things, if you’re understanding and supportive, it will keep the door open for you to be able to help her.

Have you posted about this aspect of the situation before, @Unicornfairysoap ?

You really really need to get help from the police/bank/Action Fraud. This is financial abuse.

If you continue to do nothing, what do you think will happen then.

Probably have, this situation that I am aware of has been going on for a at least 3 years, and tbh I’ve turned to MN a fair amount of support because it’s so embarrassing to admit in real life

If I understand correctly, would the brother have to pay the tax on these gifts if the 7 year period hadn't passed?

This is an awful situation for your poor mum @Unicornfairysoap . Now that she has admitted to some of it, you have something to work with. You must be kind and gentle but keep reiterating that she is NOT helping by continuing to bankroll him. What an absolute shit he is. Ask her if you or a friend was in a similar situation what would she advise them to do. She can’t see the wood for the trees at the moment but you must keep gently plugging away, getting her to see. Remind her of what he’s doing with her money.

Give her a way out, ie phrases she can use to refuse him more money. My savings have dwindled, there’s nothing left, such and such bill to pay, etc etc, that kind of thing. You must make her realise it’s ok to say no to him, and help her know how to do so.

Hes a spineless little shit.

Could her bank help? If you both went in and said that she's doing phone banking and being extorted by her son to the extent that she can't pay her own household expenses, maybe they could block her ability to transfer money to him?

I'm sorry your mum is so upset, but I think now that you've cracked the seal you need to delve deeper and encourage her to start standing up to him.
It's very obvious that if she gave him every penny she has, it still wouldn't be enough.

But don’t the paper bills just show they come to nowhere near her income?
edit: just see. You are getting somewhere. Ignore me!

I think that because she is "only" 73 and mentally she has capacity and gave the money "willingly", then she has no chance of getting any money back, ever.

The only thing you and she can do is to protect her/you going forwards. And in some ways, this can be done without your brother's knowledge.

Personally as a starting point, I'd print, add up and itemise all the money he's had off her in the past few years.

Let's say it totals £150k and she has a home worth £350k.
In her will, she should stipulate that she is leaving her assets to you and your brother, but before the assets are split in 2, the itemised £150k needs to be deducted from the total and given to you, and then the remaining assets need to be divided in 2 between you and your brother. There needs to be an acccompanying letter of wishes with all this laid out clearly so that he can't contest it when your mum actually passes. Get a solicitor to draw up a new will with the letter of wishes explained and itemised in full and make sure you are the executor without him as he will hold things up and be a nasty prick.

As regards future dishing out of money on a monthly/ad hoc basis, she needs to have some way of saying NO. I don't know how she might do that, but she needs to say no as he's bleeding her dry and making her struggle to pay her bills. Perhaps she should tell him next time that she has no spare money as she had to pay for something expensive (eg roof repair). She could hide any money she does have in premium bonds so her bank account looks empty if he goes snooping.

Sometimes you have to do the right thing even if you are quaking in your boots and worried about the fallout.

The fallout is already happening.

It's a bit like being a mum when your kid is being bullied and doesn't want you talking to a teacher.

This is an awful situation and I can imagine your ‘D’B is already trying to think of his next excuse to cream money off your poor DM, so you need to try and put things in place before this happens.

It’s such a shame she lives a distance from you as it’s leaving her extremely vulnerable. I feel so angry for you and your DM.

Do you have any other relatives who could help?

She is 73 and of sound mind so I would forget about the past and the £120k he has already had and work with her going forwards. I would start today if she owns a property rather than rents by you going to https://www.gov.uk/search-property-information-land-registry and paying £3 to get exactly the title of who owns the property and see if it has a mortgage. That is step 1. If there is no mortgage you can register her today for the Land Registry service so she gets an email once or twice a year confirming no one has tried to steal the property. https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/media/65391ce780884d0013f71aeb/Help_protect_yourself_from_property_fraud__English___October_2023_.pdf

If she does clearly the son's next move will be forcing her to do equity release to give him most of the money from the house so you want to stop that before it happens.

If she does not have a property forget about the above.

Either way next stage is wills. Does she have a will? If so what does it say? She should give you a copy. If it leaves you and the brother everything equally (if there will be anything to leave) then she may want to revise this to reflect the fact you have had £120k or £150k less than the brother during lifetime so it could say something like first £150k to daughter as son had £150k in and up to 2024.... a solicitor will draw it up for her. If there is nothing to leave and she lives in rented not an issue.

Either way, then she needs to be protected going forwards from not giving the brother a penny more in his life. He is an adult and should earn his own money.

Seconding everyone who says that you need to speak to Age UK: they're clued up on financial and other forms of coercion and abuse. Your mother's wellbeing depends upon it.

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/health-wellbeing/relationships-family/protection-from-abuse/financial-abuse/

What a dreadful thing to be happening op. How can grown, adult men do this to their mothers? He should be looking after her, not the other way around.

There might be some some proof of coersive control in the text conversations between your bro and mother op. I would seek the advice of a lawyer immediately, and contact the bank and try and get PoA before the house disappears too.

Good luck op. I think you may need to prepare yourself for a battle ahead once he finds out it is you who has rumbled him and be prepared to let others in your family know to keep yourself safe. Be careful.

Sorry I meant to say that although she is seventy-three and of sound mind, you can't underestimate the exploitative elements of these demands. If it can be proven that your mother was pressurised against her will, you might have a case op.

Today was a great start, OP. Please do seek that advice urgently.

I wonder if it would then be worth booking a second appointment with your mum? You need to form an alliance with her. I am also worried about the possibility that your B will try to tap into her home equity, if she owns, amongst other things

OP I’ve no advice but huge hugs!

My sister did something similar to my DF and DM years ago - similar tales of woe from her and at a guess we think she got around £100k out of them. The final - and absolute final straw - was her ‘borrowing’ £4k off DM as a ‘loan’ to pay a house deposit. This was literally days after DF had died. DM never saw a penny back, not even after we discussed repayment plans.

As a family we have all collectively cut her off. She now lives with her fiancé and I dare say has spun him and his family an utter web of lies to cover up why her entire family don’t speak to her.

On a further note she even trapped her fiancé with a pregnancy claiming it was a ‘miracle’ baby - with her claiming she had gone through the menopause fully - by 39. Which was in fact, when she announced her pregnancy was the first time we had heard of her ‘menopause’ 😂

Sorry I don’t have time to read the full thread right now but check out this link OP, coercive control in itself is illegal!

https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/Coercive-control-Final.pdf

Suggestions

You could make an appointment at her bank (if it is a high street bank) & they could provide her with a new bank account
They could set up a standing order so that her free money (after bills) goes into a regular saver or an ISA or savings account, that she can only access after a year, 2 years up to 5 years, a long term savings account
You could also highlight the scamming/coersion

Secondly, you could report the scamming/coersion to the 101 local police & ask the community police for support & advice

She could put some savings into Premium Bonds under her name only

Ultimately, it sounds like your DM is still working to give her DS all her wages + her savings each month.Therefore she needs to stop giving him money.

I suggest applying for health & financial power of attorney

Ugh this is so horrendous. I really hope you find a way to resolve this. So unfair that she can't get the £120k back too. She is very fortunate in one aspect however, and that is she has you!!!! Imagine if she only had your brother.

Op, it's great that your mother has opened up.
She probably will not want to report brother to Police etc. but she might agree to have you set something up to stop future financial abuse from brother. Go to the accountant together and set up a co signature for financial activities - the accountant, or you could co-sign transactions. Also convince your mother to have a Power of Attorney drawn up for if she needs one (knowing that brother acting as the POA would be horrific)
Your mother is too easily manipulated by your criminal brother and she needs a barrier of protection from him. If she can not easily give him money it makes her less vulnerable.

Sorry I've not read the whole thread but your DM's bank may talk to you. My mum had suspicions that her sister was being taken advantage of by her son. My auntie has learning difficulties. I think she banked with the Halifax. My mum went into our local branch, explained the situation and they told her that it had already been flagged as vulnerable.