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AIBU?

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Original poster

Or should a play date be two hours max?

300 replies

TargetPractice11 · 02/05/2024 07:45

Still annoyed about something that happened on the weekend.

Invited friend and his 3 year old over for "morning tea" at 10am. They arrived at 10:30am, and stayed until 3pm.

I have a baby and two preschoolers. My preschoolers are adorable playmates for around two hours. Then they get feral.

The three kids running around repeatedly woke up my baby. My friend passively observed that this was occurring but made no move to go.

I made many hints. I did not serve lunch. We were all famished when they finally shuffled off at 3pm.

One of my many hints to leave was 'so- what else do you have on for today?'

To which my friend said he was hoping for a nap as he'd managed to keep his kid out all day and allow his wife to relax.

😡

I am exhausted- up all night with a baby. I would love a fucking nap.

DH and I always subscribed to there being a 90-120 minute hard stop on play dates. Did we just make that up? Or is that the socially acceptable limit?

OP posts:
Hepwo · 06/05/2024 11:14

If you insist on putting this mans feelings above yours and your family's he will know this and will be able with absolute certainty to believe that you are happy to be submissive and subservient to him whenever he wants you to.

Beautiful3 · 06/05/2024 11:16

Just stand up and say, "Right time to go. It's been lovely seeing you both." Make sure you smile, so it doesn't look rude. If he asks what your plans are, make something up. So he doesn't think you're free all day/night.

drusth · 06/05/2024 11:18

TargetPractice11 · 06/05/2024 10:55

The 'I'm looking forward to my nap' comment shook me out of hostess mode.

I did eventually say we were exhausted and needed to rest before going out for dinner, could they please head off now.

But I spent that two hours between their visit and dinner tidying up and feeling resentful of my friend having a FUCKING NAP at his house while I put away toys and swept up muffin crumbs.

He's a good friend in other ways but he's taking the absolute piss with the play dates and I need to stop it.

Show quote history

He uses you as child care and soft play and free food and never invites you to his.

How is he a good friend?

Forget school days, don’t put up with an entitled man because of memories.

Roundandroundtheworld · 06/05/2024 11:26

HNRTFT but I honestly think that because you are super sensitive about being asked to leave ,you think other people are the same.
Absolutely nothing rude /offensive in just saying politely that you think it’s time for the children to have down time and thank you for coming over for a play but time to go now.

Beautiful3 · 06/05/2024 11:29

Stop inviting him over. Meet in a soft play or park. He is kinda taking the piss.

overwork · 06/05/2024 11:32

@WarshipRocinante completely off topic here but what is this wonderful game you know of which lasts for 7 hours?!?

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 06/05/2024 11:32

TargetPractice11 · 06/05/2024 10:50

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain you mean he would have started cooking in someone else's house?

Ah no sorry! But if he was hungry he might’ve suggested going to the local shop to pick up some easy prep food. He was over at mine this weekend and left some yummy ready to eat Tesco tortilla which I found this morning.

1mabon · 06/05/2024 11:36

You should have asked then to leave at mid-day as you had an appointment at 1.00p.m.

mamajong · 06/05/2024 11:41

WarshipRocinante · 02/05/2024 07:49

I guess it sounds reasonable actually, but I’ve pretty much always had play dates go on all day. At that age, 4 or 5 hours would be normal for us. Especially if the parents stay so we can have tea/lunch/couple glasses of wine. Now that my kids are 10 and over, their mates come round for literally the entire day. They can show up on the morning and still be here after dinner time so they get fed two or three meals a day. But we play a game that can take 7 hours on it’s own, never mind them doing anything else.

It really depends on your social circle and how you like things. You have to get tougher at telling them to leave or have imaginary plans. All it would have taken was “We are going out to another friend’s for lunch in half an hour, so let’s start getting them packed up.”

This! We are the same, I'm happy to let the kids do their thing, have a glass of wine or tea and cakes with the adults and would be absolutely fine with people staying all day.

It just sounds like you have different play date experiences and expectations, but it is fine to set an end time, or to say you need to wrap things up and say your goodbyes.

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable here, just be sure to set some clearer parameters next time that suit your preferences for the day

Ihaveamagicwand · 06/05/2024 11:41

Not RTFT but have read all yours Op.
I have another phrase for you to practice as it should solve both of your main problems.

It is: Okay everyone, it’s tidy up time.

That signals to the kids that the play date is coming to an end and shows the friend you have an expectation that they will be helping you tidy the mess their little darlings have helped make.

StaunchMomma · 06/05/2024 11:59

I mean, that does sound like an overstay BUT this 90-120 minute thing you and DH do only exists between the two of you.

I've never heard mention of a 2 hour from any parent.

I definitely wouldn't invite anyone round at 10.30 and expect them to be gone for lunch.

Happinessandrainbows · 06/05/2024 12:01

Not a playdate situation but I have a friend who never leaves.

Some years ago (when I was single and lived alone) she stayed until midnight! I had work the next day and it was really obvious I was so tired. She has a form for it so when I had a baby and before her visit, I told her many many many times that we can only hang out until time X because it's baby's bed time.
She came, a few hours later - she wouldn't leave even when it was time X. DH was hinting, I was hinting. Then I had to just say sorry but I'm going to bed now with the baby.

It's two examples but I can't invite this friend over anymore and we can only meet in town now 😂

thepastinsidethepresent · 06/05/2024 12:05

He sounds incredibly obtuse, no wonder you're annoyed! Not RTFT but you'll definitely need to be clear about timings if playdates are likely to happen again. I wonder how he'd have reacted if he'd been the one hosting and you'd pulled this on him?

That said, I have a male friend from my teenage days who is one of the dearest people in the world to me, but I can totally imagine him having done this when his DC were little, not being deliberately entitled, just obtuse. 😂 It wouldn't necessarily colour the friendship for me - however, given the length of the friendship I wouldn't have any qualms about saying 'time to go' if he wasn't taking the hint.

Original poster
TargetPractice11 · 06/05/2024 12:22

StaunchMomma · 06/05/2024 11:59

I mean, that does sound like an overstay BUT this 90-120 minute thing you and DH do only exists between the two of you.

I've never heard mention of a 2 hour from any parent.

I definitely wouldn't invite anyone round at 10.30 and expect them to be gone for lunch.

I invited them for 10am, and fed them on arrival.

He was late by 30 minutes.

OP posts:
Hepwo · 06/05/2024 12:26

You say "playdate", he thinks home from home for as long as my wife needs her rest.

You say "friend", he thinks "doormat".

InBedBy10 · 06/05/2024 12:35

I really think you should stop inviting him to your home. I mean who stays through bedtime/bath routine? He clearly knows he's overstaying his welcome, he just doesn't care.

Meet up at in door playground or the park. Somewhere you can leave when you're ready to.

LateAF · 06/05/2024 12:41

YANBU that after a few hours they should get the hint to leave. That's happened to me a few times (one came at 11 and stayed until 7.30pm and their kid was a nightmare trashing our house while their mum said nothing!). So now I always invite kids for playdates on days where I have somewhere to be afterwards (i.e. playdate at 11, taking kids to football at 2) or weekday evenings when taking my kids up to get ready for bed is a strong enough hint for the parent to take their kids home.

As an aside, if my kids were invited to a playdate from 10-12, I would have assumed they'd be served a quick lunch at 12 before I picked them up, even if it's just sandwiches and carrot sticks.

Ri06 · 06/05/2024 12:42

TargetPractice11 · 02/05/2024 10:50

Honest question- did your children not turn into animals?

Mine are delightful for a time. At the two hour mark they are suddenly grumpy, tearful, no longer wanting to share, throwing tantrums, massively overstimulated. A nightmare to parent.

If guests fucked off when this happened then my kids could chill out and recalibrate. Instead they have another kid hyping them up and pressing their buttons. I have to parent harder than ever to stop them being horrible to the other child.

It's not like the adults are able to kick back with a pinot.

Show quote history

We have a daughter & she takes a while to warm up to people, so to be honest she actually needs longer to really start to enjoy herself. As long as she has eaten & had a nap, she becomes more sociable as the day goes on.
For example, We had some friends & family around yesterday from 2pm. From about 3-3:30 she was playing near/around the other kids & from about 5:30-6 she was playing one-on-one with another little girl & it was honestly a delight to see them laughing & playing together. Yes, her bedtime ended up super late (it was a one off), but we actually didn’t want to break off the lovely friendship that was blossoming.

Every child is different & I think people have different expectations. With that in mind, I always think it’s best to not assume & have open, direct conversations about your expectations.

Also, I honestly don’t think it’s rude to ask someone to leave & say you have things to get on with in the afternoon. We are all super busy & I think most people would get that…and even if they don’t then I kind of wouldn’t worry about it - they will get over it!

theworldsmad · 06/05/2024 12:43

TargetPractice11 · 02/05/2024 08:16

And yes- they were all hangry! I was hoping he'd take the child home for lunch due to the hanger but happily hung out at ours for hours on end instead.

Show quote history

Worst thing is, he's probs going to go back to his wife and say 'she didn't even serve lunch'!🙈

RedRobyn2021 · 06/05/2024 12:43

Whenever we do a play dates with my 3yo it lasts 2-3 hours

RedRobyn2021 · 06/05/2024 12:44

Even if we're in the park and it's raining it's always at least 2 hours

flatironbuildin · 06/05/2024 12:45

Why do you need to hint?

What's wrong with directly but politely saying - sorry I have an appointment at [time] so ...

flatironbuildin · 06/05/2024 12:46

get the fuck out of my house (but more politely obviously)

Benthany · 06/05/2024 12:49

Ask him to bring some picnic type food to share. Then you don't feel put on to feed you all.

LateAF · 06/05/2024 12:51

DH and I always subscribed to there being a 90-120 minute hard stop on play dates. Did we just make that up? Or is that the socially acceptable limit?

Really depends on the friendship between the parents and the personality of the host. When I don't know the parents inviting my child, I assume 2-3 hours. 90 minutes is a very short visit (i.e. for an after school playdate that would mean pickup at 5pm).