Or should a play date be two hours max?

[TargetPractice11]

Still annoyed about something that happened on the weekend.

Invited friend and his 3 year old over for "morning tea" at 10am. They arrived at 10:30am, and stayed until 3pm.

I have a baby and two preschoolers. My preschoolers are adorable playmates for around two hours. Then they get feral.

The three kids running around repeatedly woke up my baby. My friend passively observed that this was occurring but made no move to go.

I made many hints. I did not serve lunch. We were all famished when they finally shuffled off at 3pm.

One of my many hints to leave was 'so- what else do you have on for today?'

To which my friend said he was hoping for a nap as he'd managed to keep his kid out all day and allow his wife to relax.

😡

I am exhausted- up all night with a baby. I would love a fucking nap.

DH and I always subscribed to there being a 90-120 minute hard stop on play dates. Did we just make that up? Or is that the socially acceptable limit?

He knew EXACTLY what he was doing.

@TargetPractice11 he has form for this, remember the last time.

you ARE going to have to be clear to the point of being rude IF you want to see him and the kids again.

for me, the last overstay play date would have been the last.

How do you know the OP is a woman?

Whilst i haven‘t heard of playdates being 2-3 hours only, being invited to morning tea (only) plus the hints would’ve definitely worked to get rid of me by lunchtime! I have similar friends and my husband i so much better at kicking them out. I‘m too polite but i‘d have gotten more and more direct after lunchtime passed for the sake of the baby!

I’d have glanced at my phone and invented an emergency I had to go out for, or said we had a prior appointment I’d forgotten the time of.

Definitely a CF getting you and your kids to entertain his. My DB has an almost 6 year old and a 6 month old and he’d never pull a fast one like this!

Meanwhile on Dadsnet there’s a man complaining that he went round to his female friend’s house and she didn’t even offer him lunch!

He has used you as a soft play to give his wife a break while you provide food and entertainment for his kid, at the detriment of your day. He never invites you to his. I’d be fading this “friendship” out OP.

to be fair, in my opinion if we invite someone to ours at 10am I would factor in lunch as mine are usually getting hungry from about 11.30. Maybe he assumed the same, rightly or wrongly! Far easier to invite them round after lunch in future - say 1.30/2pm!!

I echo a previous poster's comment about feeling equal parts sympathy and irritation with your situation and response. The unwritten but understood max length of playdates is not the issue here, your issue is a friend being oblivious / ignoring your hints, and you feeling unable to assert yourself more clearly. It's easier to be angry about the unwritten rules being broken because that doesn't involve you having to set your own boundaries, and means you can avoid recognising your own faults in your struggle with that. As an aside, I'd have found deliberately withholding food as a more rude signal to go than just being bluntly told.

I agree with others, the majority of people would have understood the situation and left at an appropriate time. Whether he didn't because he was being a bit cheeky, had misread the situation or was genuinely oblivious, well, you know your friend better than us to make that judgement. But once it became clear he wasn't taking the hint you needed to use your big girl bark and actually tell him. You've been given a whole load of scripted prompts here, don't just practice them, actually learn to recognise that it's completely normal to use them.

Personally, I wouldn't go with the made-up appointment route, a) because it's too easy to get discovered or ratted out, b) because it adds a layer of complexity that isn't required, but most of all c) it gives the impression that the only reason to end the playdate is because you have something else fixed to do, when in fact it is perfectly normal and acceptable to just want to do something else. Lying just perpetuates the belief that your time and preferences aren't worth anything. Unless you plan to always say you have a fake appointment afterwards, just practice being polite, but direct and honest.

Sorry for the essay, brevity is not my strong point!

For me it was normal to spend a whole day at a friend's house, but it was about an hours journey to theirs so only staying 90 mins would be bonkers..

I'd usually arrive armed with enough food to feed an army and a nice non alcoholic adults drink, and the kids would play whilst we put the world to rights. We sometimes would take all the kids out for a walk or to the park.

But, this was an arrangement that worked both ways and both parties agreed to. Sounds to me like your friend saw an opportunity to palm parenting off to you, and him to win some points from his wife for giving her a few hours off.

Feign a headache..Nick I have a bad headache..can we give the kids the ten minute warning that you are going home?

I would call to my kids "susan is going home soon so if you want to show her any last toys, now is the time to do it".

Or say youre taking the DC shopping and put them in the car

He was probably hoping that you’d crack on and provide lunch!

😂

Very possible.

People who are invited over for lunch get lunch.

I'm a very good host usually, I swear 😂

It's 15 minutes by car.

Keep hold of that anger OP.
Remember it the next time you’re tempted to invite him over.
If he suggests visiting suggest you visit him instead, see what his reaction is.
If he insists tell him nah, once you’re here I can’t get rid of you…..tinkly laugh.
He a cheeky get having a nice day being fed and watered whilst his kids are entertained by another woman.

Probably because a man would just have said, "Look mate, I need to get the kids sorted. I'm going to have to ask you to leave." To which the visitor would have replied, "No worries, mate. Catch up with you later."

And there would have been no thread...

My DB no word of a lie, he would’ve cooked something. Or got something which required no cooking.

The Tesco’s where they are is a 2-3 min walk away plus DB doesn’t do well without food.

@Alwaytired44

Can confirm I am a woman, who has been conditioned since infancy to believe I need to be accommodating and 'nice' at all times... even when people are taking the absolute piss.

Trying to unlearn some absolute bullshit in my 30s.

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain you mean he would have started cooking in someone else's house?

He came with the intention of staying until 3pm. That was his plan and as you were simply the location he had chosen for his plan, and not someone who's needs were relevant to his plan, he didn't bother to tell you.

Saying no plans for lunch meant he was not leaving until his predetermined time mid afternoon, but again the need to tell you didn't exist in his mind, as you were simply the location and service he was using until 3pm.

He's just a cheeky fucker and you were the hospitality venue he had selected for the day's comfortable service provision. His objective was to meet his and his wife's needs by using your home as an alternative venue for to their own.

Now you know he's a selfish user you can plan accordingly too.

The 'I'm looking forward to my nap' comment shook me out of hostess mode.

I did eventually say we were exhausted and needed to rest before going out for dinner, could they please head off now.

But I spent that two hours between their visit and dinner tidying up and feeling resentful of my friend having a FUCKING NAP at his house while I put away toys and swept up muffin crumbs.

He's a good friend in other ways but he's taking the absolute piss with the play dates and I need to stop it.

His complete failure to do any cleaning and tidying whilst with you shows exactly how he views your home. It's just a free hospitality venue where the staff do the cleaning and tidying. He's prepared to use a friend as a service provider.

Yes, I was going to say this.

@CruCru

I should have said something along those lines. I felt like I couldn't because he'd observed and commented on the baby being unable to sleep because of the kids and stayed anyway. I thought it would sound like I was being critical/he would feel embarrassed if I then said he should leave.

I would always leave a play date if my kids were getting grumpy. His kid was grumpy and tearful, so were mine. I assumed he'd just see that no one was having fun anymore and call it a day.

Little did I realise that he was trying to stay out of his own house.