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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or should a play date be two hours max?

300 replies

TargetPractice11 · 02/05/2024 07:45

Still annoyed about something that happened on the weekend.

Invited friend and his 3 year old over for "morning tea" at 10am. They arrived at 10:30am, and stayed until 3pm.

I have a baby and two preschoolers. My preschoolers are adorable playmates for around two hours. Then they get feral.

The three kids running around repeatedly woke up my baby. My friend passively observed that this was occurring but made no move to go.

I made many hints. I did not serve lunch. We were all famished when they finally shuffled off at 3pm.

One of my many hints to leave was 'so- what else do you have on for today?'

To which my friend said he was hoping for a nap as he'd managed to keep his kid out all day and allow his wife to relax.

😡

I am exhausted- up all night with a baby. I would love a fucking nap.

DH and I always subscribed to there being a 90-120 minute hard stop on play dates. Did we just make that up? Or is that the socially acceptable limit?

OP posts:
Tiredmama53 · 06/05/2024 17:07

TargetPractice11 · 02/05/2024 07:45

Still annoyed about something that happened on the weekend.

Invited friend and his 3 year old over for "morning tea" at 10am. They arrived at 10:30am, and stayed until 3pm.

I have a baby and two preschoolers. My preschoolers are adorable playmates for around two hours. Then they get feral.

The three kids running around repeatedly woke up my baby. My friend passively observed that this was occurring but made no move to go.

I made many hints. I did not serve lunch. We were all famished when they finally shuffled off at 3pm.

One of my many hints to leave was 'so- what else do you have on for today?'

To which my friend said he was hoping for a nap as he'd managed to keep his kid out all day and allow his wife to relax.

😡

I am exhausted- up all night with a baby. I would love a fucking nap.

DH and I always subscribed to there being a 90-120 minute hard stop on play dates. Did we just make that up? Or is that the socially acceptable limit?

If its a playmate where its mainly my kids friends 2 hoursish is average but if its my friend and our kids it can easily last all day. My kids are pretty harmless and although excitable don't get feral or destructive or anything. My friend has a massive garden with lots of play equipment so usually we don't hear a peep our of them till they want snacks then they all eat and bugger off again.

Josienpaul · 06/05/2024 17:22

Happened to me 4 days getting home from hospital. It was beautiful weather and cousins from Dubai turned up which prompted the rest of the family. I got a bit overwhelmed and went in the living room but I would never have begrudged them being there. One of my favourite memories. Tensions are high when you have a baby. He clearly enjoyed your company. Don’t begrudge another parent a nap. The days are long etc.

Sadforcavtoo · 06/05/2024 17:36

TargetPractice11 · 02/05/2024 08:10

4 or 5 hours? Aren't the children hideous by then?

Mine are cute for 2 hours max.

Show quote history

I’ve had play dates that have turned into sleepovers. Great fun

BotterMon · 06/05/2024 17:44

He's a CF OP! Woman up and tell him in black and white as he obviously doesn't understand cues.

As his wife had a nice rest, next time just drop your kids off there and leave him to sort them all out whilst you go for a coffee and shop on your own in town.

Jellyrose20 · 06/05/2024 17:53

He's not a mind reader. It's your responsibility to ask him politely (or not politely if you so wish) to leave, or to set that boundary in the first place.
I've found the rules on play dates to vary vastly based on the people I'm with. Everyone is different and has different rules. There is no one size fits all. I'd never even heard of this two hour rule until a few weeks ago, but frequently have people come over to ours for over 4 hours with no expectation for them to leave.

Jegersur · 06/05/2024 18:07

It varies. I’ve never heard of a two-hour rule. Easily, a play date could be four or five hours or most of a day if the parent is there. That being said, he should have taken the hint. If you didn’t offer lunch, that should have been a clue.

SavingTheBestTillLast · 06/05/2024 18:12

That’s too long, 2hours is long enough.
By 1pm I would have been packing up and getting ready to go out on that ‘prearranged’ trip, ( around the corner and back home again )

Baba197 · 06/05/2024 18:31

I would either meet out somewhere or be clear in your invite “we’d love to see you on Sunday, we are meeting friends in the afternoon so would you like to meet/come over in the morning we are free until x time” clearly he doesn’t take a hint or totally ignores them as it suited him to stay!

80smonster · 06/05/2024 19:53

Two hours is perfect, my preferred slot is 10:30-12:30, I always serve kids lunch at 12. Usually drop offs are best unless you particularly want to hang out. I have found this strict regime reigns-in feral behaviour. Hungry children aren’t great at regulating. I’d have asked them politely to go, or pretended we had afternoon plans.

80smonster · 06/05/2024 19:59

TargetPractice11 · 02/05/2024 08:25

I'd have thought an invitation for "morning tea" made it pretty clear that one should fuck right off come the afternoon.

Definitely need to be more assertive. It's been drilled into me that I need people to feel welcome when I am hosting. Was not told what to do when they are NO LONGER welcome.

I’m finding this a bit ridiculous a) allowing hangry preschoolers to remain hungry and b) not drawing a boundary and politely saying ‘Guys this has been an amazing play date, but we have to be at X for 1:30pm’. You didn’t need to be rude or terse, just straightforward.

Lifetooshort23 · 06/05/2024 20:23

God I wish we had friends that stayed longer than what feeels like 5 minutes! Open house here. It’s much easier when children have friends to play with and you can talk to another adult for a change!

ScartlettSole · 06/05/2024 23:11

TargetPractice11 · 02/05/2024 10:50

Honest question- did your children not turn into animals?

Mine are delightful for a time. At the two hour mark they are suddenly grumpy, tearful, no longer wanting to share, throwing tantrums, massively overstimulated. A nightmare to parent.

If guests fucked off when this happened then my kids could chill out and recalibrate. Instead they have another kid hyping them up and pressing their buttons. I have to parent harder than ever to stop them being horrible to the other child.

It's not like the adults are able to kick back with a pinot.

Show quote history

I have a group of friends with kids similar-ish ages. Playdates last hours, no set time limit really. Cant say out of the dozen children any act like animals, loud and excitable yes but certainly not horrible to each other! We definitely get to relax and chat with a cuppa while they play.

External playdates like meeting up at softplay typically have a time limit so maybe stick to those rather than in house ones?

WitsEnd10 · 07/05/2024 14:20

What on earth is morning tea?

CharlotteBog · 07/05/2024 14:29

WitsEnd10 · 07/05/2024 14:20

What on earth is morning tea?

Some might call it a tea break. It's not the one you have on waking up, but the one midway between breakfast and lunch.

CruCru · 07/05/2024 14:33

Morning tea just means this is not an all day meet up. Once it is no longer morning then it’s time to leave.

Btwmum23 · 07/05/2024 16:53

Sunshineclouds11 · 02/05/2024 08:12

Play dates are always outside the house unless the parent leaves and you can tell them a time to come back.

Omg, this is one of the most unfriendly thing I ever read. What about a chat with the parents? What about the pleasure of offering a cup of tea? I get people should not stay for 4-5 hours but really? Not even asking parents in for a tea or a coffee? This is so sad

Katbum · 07/05/2024 17:21

YABU - if you gave an open invite but had imposed time restrictions that you'd made up in your head, how was he to know? I find it really bizarre that people get angry because other people don't read their minds - so many of my colleagues say, 'oh no that's fine' and mean the opposite. It's absolutely mind-bending to have to intuit that someone meant the opposite of what they said. Just say it. And if someone doesn't take a hint (again we aren't all good at quickly understanding social cues) then it's time to be straight: 'lovely having you all, but we're busy this afternoon so time to go.'

Yhtorod · 07/05/2024 18:24

TargetPractice11 · 02/05/2024 07:45

Still annoyed about something that happened on the weekend.

Invited friend and his 3 year old over for "morning tea" at 10am. They arrived at 10:30am, and stayed until 3pm.

I have a baby and two preschoolers. My preschoolers are adorable playmates for around two hours. Then they get feral.

The three kids running around repeatedly woke up my baby. My friend passively observed that this was occurring but made no move to go.

I made many hints. I did not serve lunch. We were all famished when they finally shuffled off at 3pm.

One of my many hints to leave was 'so- what else do you have on for today?'

To which my friend said he was hoping for a nap as he'd managed to keep his kid out all day and allow his wife to relax.

😡

I am exhausted- up all night with a baby. I would love a fucking nap.

DH and I always subscribed to there being a 90-120 minute hard stop on play dates. Did we just make that up? Or is that the socially acceptable limit?

I would have said I’m really sorry but I will have to ask you to leave as I have an appointment at (whatever time) 😉
be assertive ….. in the 1980’s I used to struggle to say no to things so I went on an assertive course for women, it was brilliant! You don’t need to be rude or nasty just say I’m sorry I don’t want to do that or I’m sorry I have other plans and if they try to persuade you keep saying the same thing and after 3 times they won’t ask again ….. that’s being assertive 👍

Yhtorod · 07/05/2024 18:25

I would have said I’m really sorry but I will have to ask you to leave as I have an appointment at (whatever time) 😉
be assertive ….. in the 1980’s I used to struggle to say no to things so I went on an assertive course for women, it was brilliant! You don’t need to be rude or nasty just say I’m sorry I don’t want to do that or I’m sorry I have other plans and if they try to persuade you keep saying the same thing and after 3 times they won’t ask again ….. that’s being assertive 👍

BlueFlowers5 · 07/05/2024 18:32

I might have stood up, say it's been lovely to see you all, move towards their coats/pushchair, the front door and add need to get on, must do this again. Move them towards the doors helping with toys coats etc. Maybe send yours upstairs to clean teeth, fetch something.
Grasp the front door, opening it with a sweep, lovely seeing you all. Usher out with a friendly peck.
Shut the door.

OldPerson · 07/05/2024 18:52

Invite the slow of thinking to come round between 10-12 or whatever time suits you.

It is permissable, especially when organising multiple children to specify both a start and end time.

It makes it so much easier to say, "Hey, 12'oclock, sorry but I have to throw you out now. Great seeing you."

Buffs · 07/05/2024 19:09

You’re absolutely right, 2 hours is the form. I would have found that very difficult.

lucindasspunkyfunkyvoice · 07/05/2024 19:11

I would have offered lunch if someone was coming round at 10:30

couldn’t you have shoved a pizza in the oven?

But i do hate guests who overstay

we had a play date after school the other day and the mother stayed for 1.5 hours after coming to collect her kid 😅

pollymere · 07/05/2024 19:24

I'm not great with social cues or those for meals. I need people to say if they want me to leave. My friends are great for giving a time for things or saying that they need to get on.

I would know that a morning tea invite wouldn't include lunch but probably wouldn't register the time or that I was hungry. Next time say your little one got overtired so probably best if they just only come for a couple of hours.

There are some friends mine would happily be with for hours, others only two hours. Parties definitely only two hours.

albertselephants · 07/05/2024 20:08

You definitely made up the 2hr limit - my kids are teenagers now, but a playdate when they were little was usually all day long! The normal was to leave when the Dads got home from work or just before - so could easily be a nearly 9-5 playdate.