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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or should a play date be two hours max?

300 replies

TargetPractice11 · 02/05/2024 07:45

Still annoyed about something that happened on the weekend.

Invited friend and his 3 year old over for "morning tea" at 10am. They arrived at 10:30am, and stayed until 3pm.

I have a baby and two preschoolers. My preschoolers are adorable playmates for around two hours. Then they get feral.

The three kids running around repeatedly woke up my baby. My friend passively observed that this was occurring but made no move to go.

I made many hints. I did not serve lunch. We were all famished when they finally shuffled off at 3pm.

One of my many hints to leave was 'so- what else do you have on for today?'

To which my friend said he was hoping for a nap as he'd managed to keep his kid out all day and allow his wife to relax.

😡

I am exhausted- up all night with a baby. I would love a fucking nap.

DH and I always subscribed to there being a 90-120 minute hard stop on play dates. Did we just make that up? Or is that the socially acceptable limit?

OP posts:
VulvaArmy · 02/05/2024 08:19

Depends on the friends- some it would be normal to hang out all day, others are pop in for an hour friends.

You need to tell people to leave if they need to leave- my line is always “I’m sorry to kick you out but…” then a reason, true or not.

Stand up and start tidying, hand them coats, call the children to put shoes on if necessary.

avocadotofu · 02/05/2024 08:19

I've always thought roughly two hours for people I don't know well. We tend to have longer play dates with people we know well.

FlameTulip · 02/05/2024 08:22

Next time stop hinting and just say it! "This has been lovely but let's say goodbye now, I think the kids are getting tired."

SD1978 · 02/05/2024 08:24

If he's a friend stop hinting and tell him the time limit. Not everyone can read the cues or nuances of what an 'acceptable' time is. He saw it as a day out, give his wife some alone time, and you saw it as a quick 2 hr catch up. If he doesn't know your expectations- preferable in advance, then the fact his expectation was different is t necessarily his 'fault' although I'd have take the hint with no lunch being served!

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 02/05/2024 08:24

‘Sorry, I’m going to have to kick you out now, mine needs lunch and some quiet time.’

Original poster
TargetPractice11 · 02/05/2024 08:25

I'd have thought an invitation for "morning tea" made it pretty clear that one should fuck right off come the afternoon.

Definitely need to be more assertive. It's been drilled into me that I need people to feel welcome when I am hosting. Was not told what to do when they are NO LONGER welcome.

OP posts:
Oneofthesurvivors · 02/05/2024 08:29

"OK, you need to leave now please" Why does no one on mumsnet have a backbone?

Original poster
TargetPractice11 · 02/05/2024 08:30

Oneofthesurvivors · 02/05/2024 08:29

"OK, you need to leave now please" Why does no one on mumsnet have a backbone?

Do people say that in real life?

It's never been said to me or in my hearing. Is there a way of saying it that makes it polite?

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 02/05/2024 08:31

Feeling welcome Is fine but overstaying and taking advantage isn't. Drummed in politeness seems to be a thing that some parents do to the detriment to theirchildren. Be nice be polite be kind etc etc then you are now in this situation where you have somebody using your house as a stopin for the day!

Oneofthesurvivors · 02/05/2024 08:31

TargetPractice11 · 02/05/2024 08:30

Do people say that in real life?

It's never been said to me or in my hearing. Is there a way of saying it that makes it polite?

Show quote history

I say it in really life. Exactly like that. It leaves no room for misunderstanding.

Original poster
TargetPractice11 · 02/05/2024 08:32

Mrsjayy · 02/05/2024 08:31

Feeling welcome Is fine but overstaying and taking advantage isn't. Drummed in politeness seems to be a thing that some parents do to the detriment to theirchildren. Be nice be polite be kind etc etc then you are now in this situation where you have somebody using your house as a stopin for the day!

Edited

I felt like a bloody soft play the way he used us to kill time and energy!

OP posts:
TodaysNameIsBoring · 02/05/2024 08:32

You don't need to 'be assertive'. You just have to tell them that you want to get on with some chores or something.

I find it incomprehensible that people are so worried about being asking someone to leave. It's easy to do politely.

I would typically say something like
"Sorry but I'm going to have to chuck you out in half an hour as I've got to crack on with some chores."

Mrsjayy · 02/05/2024 08:34

TargetPractice11 · 02/05/2024 08:32

I felt like a bloody soft play the way he used us to kill time and energy!

Show quote history

Yeah his house would have been tidy kids would have .been tired when they got in job done. Tbf most parents will just go home after a Couple of hours.

Booksoverbros · 02/05/2024 08:35

TargetPractice11 · 02/05/2024 08:30

Do people say that in real life?

It's never been said to me or in my hearing. Is there a way of saying it that makes it polite?

Show quote history

Haha I say it!

But in a way that makes it sound cheeky vs mean.

It's all about tone.
And I've found people appreciate knowing where they stand vs wondering if they can stay.
People now know that I will tell them to P off when I've had enough.

Something like "I love you, but my social battery is dead so you're going to have to go home" (said with a laugh).

Or

"Jeez, the kids are getting feral now. I think it's time to call it a day so I can feed mine and give them some quiet time".

Anyone that has a problem with you asserting healthy, NORMAL boundaries isn't a real friend.

I also do it during phone calls that are dragging.

Mrsjayy · 02/05/2024 08:35

TodaysNameIsBoring · 02/05/2024 08:32

You don't need to 'be assertive'. You just have to tell them that you want to get on with some chores or something.

I find it incomprehensible that people are so worried about being asking someone to leave. It's easy to do politely.

I would typically say something like
"Sorry but I'm going to have to chuck you out in half an hour as I've got to crack on with some chores."

But this is assertiveness it doesn't have to be rude or aggressive,

rollonretirementfgs · 02/05/2024 08:37

Omg men are so stupid. As if he made a comment that he was round yours so his wife could relax! That's a knife through the heart when you're exhausted and running around after his child for him!
Next time I'd suggest meeting out somewhere where you can leave when you want. Or make up an appointment you have to be at!

CherryBlossom321 · 02/05/2024 08:38

Play dates are as long or short as the person organising them wants them to be. There’s no generic limit. If you wanted it to be two hours, direct communication is required- the invitation should have stipulated, for example, “please come from 10:30 until 12:30. At 12:30, “It’s 12:30, and it’s been lovely having you both over. See you soon” and lead to the front door. “Dropping hints” and then getting angry in the aftermath is only inconveniencing and bothering you. Decide your terms and communicate them.

Caffeineislife · 02/05/2024 08:38

I think it depends on the friends and how the kids are getting on that day. I have some mum friends who we have all afternoon playdates with. I have others that are 2 -2.5 hours playdates as their kids need naps or the kids run feral when they are together.

I have a few friends who struggle to get the hint. They are external venue (park, soft play, play cafe) playdate friends. One mum will bring lunch and snacks for her kid to a playdate so it doesn't matter if lunch isn't served. She once stayed at mine from 10.30-5. No amount of hinting was getting her going. I'm not the only one she's done it to. Other school mum's have had the same. At one point it was a different persons house every day. She's a nice enough person but she is a strictly external venue playdate.

Although morning tea and no lunch served would have me shuffling off around 12ish.

rollonretirementfgs · 02/05/2024 08:39

Oneofthesurvivors · 02/05/2024 08:29

"OK, you need to leave now please" Why does no one on mumsnet have a backbone?

Because that's rude and I would expect you to have no friends of you talk to them like that!

Original poster
TargetPractice11 · 02/05/2024 08:40

TodaysNameIsBoring · 02/05/2024 08:32

You don't need to 'be assertive'. You just have to tell them that you want to get on with some chores or something.

I find it incomprehensible that people are so worried about being asking someone to leave. It's easy to do politely.

I would typically say something like
"Sorry but I'm going to have to chuck you out in half an hour as I've got to crack on with some chores."

If someone invited me to their house and then told me to leave so they could do chores- I think I'd be offended they would rather hoover that minute than spend time with me.

Also I was dropping many such hints, I think if I'd said I needed to do chores he would have just told me he didn't mind and to crack on in his presence.

I did say many times 'well the baby is very tired/I should be getting the baby to bed/ the baby can't sleep with this racket going on.' But he was just like 'ah yes- the baby days! lol'

😡

OP posts:
Original poster
TargetPractice11 · 02/05/2024 08:41

rollonretirementfgs · 02/05/2024 08:37

Omg men are so stupid. As if he made a comment that he was round yours so his wife could relax! That's a knife through the heart when you're exhausted and running around after his child for him!
Next time I'd suggest meeting out somewhere where you can leave when you want. Or make up an appointment you have to be at!

Yep, will have an "appointment " from now on

OP posts:
Original poster
TargetPractice11 · 02/05/2024 08:41

I just hope my kids don't give me away!

OP posts:
Round3HereWeGo · 02/05/2024 08:44

He should have got the hint

As for your actual question though, I have never heard of a 2 hour max thing and haven't witnessed it happening when the play date has been in someone's house. Friends/parents would come to mine for several hours and I theirs when the kids were little.

If it was out and about meet ups then 2 hours seems reasonable.

SquigglePigs · 02/05/2024 08:46

For our friends who have kids a similar age we would usually get together for most of the day because meeting up is as much for us as friends as it is for the kids. Generally meet for lunch for everyone and then the kids get fed tea later on and we/they head off around wind-down for bed time. Even when they were smaller they were happy to play for that time, they just sometimes needed a little direction.

Having said that, two hours or so is a perfectly sensible length of time for small children. I'd certainly go for that for DD's friends where I don't necessarily know the parents very well (she's 5). I think you're being unreasonable to expect him to be telepathic though as it's by no means a universal rule.

I also think you brought some of the chaos on yourself by stubbornly not feeding anyone so you end up with hangry kids. Once it was clear he wasn't picking up on your subtle hints you should have either been a bit more blunt or just accepted they weren't leaving and make some sandwiches or something. Similarly, you should have been more assertive about the noise they were making and waking the baby. Kids that age can be told to tone it down and it's your house so you don't need to wait for him to step in.

TodaysNameIsBoring · 02/05/2024 08:47

If someone invited me to their house and then told me to leave so they could do chores- I think I'd be offended they would rather hoover that minute than spend time with me

Really? That's strange. Surly you understand that most Mums are busy and will have chores to do?

You can make up another excuse or don't!! 😂. Tell people you have a headache or have to make an important phone call. Or you can just sit there and not say anything and get mad at them.

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