Or should a play date be two hours max?

[TargetPractice11]

Still annoyed about something that happened on the weekend.

Invited friend and his 3 year old over for "morning tea" at 10am. They arrived at 10:30am, and stayed until 3pm.

I have a baby and two preschoolers. My preschoolers are adorable playmates for around two hours. Then they get feral.

The three kids running around repeatedly woke up my baby. My friend passively observed that this was occurring but made no move to go.

I made many hints. I did not serve lunch. We were all famished when they finally shuffled off at 3pm.

One of my many hints to leave was 'so- what else do you have on for today?'

To which my friend said he was hoping for a nap as he'd managed to keep his kid out all day and allow his wife to relax.

😡

I am exhausted- up all night with a baby. I would love a fucking nap.

DH and I always subscribed to there being a 90-120 minute hard stop on play dates. Did we just make that up? Or is that the socially acceptable limit?

If I were visiting I'd rather you were straightforward and said it's time to go - or told me about your time limit in advance. Rather than spending all day guessing what you mean. We never had any 2 hour limits when my little ones were little.

What is morning tea? I've never heard that so if I did I'd probably assume it was akin to brunch or afternoon tea i.e. replaces lunch and expect to stay until mid-afternoon.

If you've mentally got a hard end time you're the unreasonable one for not communicating that clearly, so he can plan his day accordingly. If he thinks he's been invited to yours for the day why shouldn't he take it as an opportunity for his wife to get a break. I think it's more rude to invite someone over intending to kick them out shortly without communicating that before they make the effort to travel to yours.

Next time just be clear what the invitation is - do you want to come over Saturday morning for an hour or two. 10 til 12 at the latest. We've got plans in the the afternoon so can only do a couple of hours max but it'd be lovely to see you and the kids.

Then if they aren't showing any signs of leaving around 11.50 start the process of kicking them out - even if after being clear about the end time to your friend you don't feel comfortable saying to them 'right time to go' it's easy to use talking to your kids to communicate the message. 'Time to pack away the game now, 'friends' have to leave in ten minutes'. Then you get up and clear up and then 'time for 'friend' to leave now, say goodbye'

Next time (if there will be a next time), say, so sorry we need to leave at X time to go to X,Y and Z and the they will have to leave.
But sounds like his wife asked him to look after the kids and he couldn't be bothered and it was easier to just sit at yours!

This comment is a bit much. Plenty of women would do this too! He got the wrong end of the stick and outstayed his welcome - not the ‘man believes women belong in the kitchen’ evidence you were looking for

I'd say it depends on the relationship. I've got friends who would be very welcome to just rock up at my house and 'do parenting' together for the day, and others I'd want o keep it short and sweet with. So maybe he has misjudged.
I do, however, think that preschoolers and babies are the best excuse for setting irrefutable boundaries. They need things they way they need them, every parent gets this. So it's fine to say "Lola naps at 12 so it would be perfect if you came at 10 we'd have time to play before she needs to wind down". I also think this goes both ways! I'd always ask before we stuck around! Like "Jacob usually has lunch in about half an hour. What's best for Lola? We could push off soon if that's better for you guys."

I actually love that parenting little kids comes with built in social escape routes! You should have been firm in making use of yours, but he should also have been attentive to the fact that this wasn't working out for you re nap time and overexcited kids. Play dates should be an act of solidarity, not someone rocking up to make things harder for you because it's easier for them.

He was rude to stay for long so I wouldn’t have a problem saying ‘it’s been lovely to see you, but I’ve got stuff I need to get on with, so you need to leave’.

What’s the worst that can happen if you politely ask a friend to go home, when they outstay their welcome? If they take offence, they are not a real friend because anyone decent would respect you enough to leave you in peace!

That is massively over staying their welcome, if that had been I would have left by 12/12.30 to get my kid some lunch. You shouldn't have had to starve your kids as a way to try to get them to go. Next time meet in a public space so you can leave when you want or set the boundaries beforehand and say they can come over but will have to be gone by ??.?? As your going out or got others coming over etc.

I say things like:
'Would Ben like to come over for a couple of hours on Saturday to play. We could do 1-3 if that suits you?' Then you all know where you ate and you can make picking up/leaving arrangements nearer the time.
If it involves food, I'd say 'Would Ben like to come and play on Friday after school. I'll feed them so what about 4-7? I can drop him off afterwards.'

Really? I think that's quite a big assumption. To me being invited until bang on 12 is a dead giveaway you're not invited to lunch. Till 1, a fairer assumption maybe.

Mostly though I think if you or your kids are invited for lunch the host will invite you for lunch, probably best to assume you're not.

I find it so bizarre that people can’t even speak to their ‘friends’ honestly. If you wanted him to leave you should have just said so. Be mad at yourself for expecting him to be a mind reader 🤷🏻‍♀️.

I think I’d have said, ‘sorry, my kids are starting to lose the plot a bit-I’ll let you go home now so you can go and have lunch in peace and I can put them down for a nap.’

I would say 10-12 is definitely not lunch
time! I’d be giving drinks and biscuits but absolutely not lunch.

We have friends who will stay until very late, so we’re invite them for dinner now.

If they don't take the hint, stop hinting. "Right its been lovely having you. We need some quiet time to ourselves now. Kids, one more round of that game and then we're wrapping up."

But there's no set length of time a visit should be, it totally depends on what both parties are happy with. So don't expect everyone to assume 2 hours.

I personally always keep visits to someone else's house 2-3 hrs MAX. Anything else than that, unless specifically requested or preplanned by the host is an imposition.

I think it's extremely rude to stay at someone's house over a meal time when you haven't been invited for a meal. I wouldn't have made the kids go without food though. I would have ended up making lunch I think. But if I were to invite this person again, I would set a time from and to.

I've never heard of morning tea either.

If I only wanted them for a couple of hours I would invite for coffee or brunch with a cheery" come at 10.30 and I will do brunch at 11 am"
"We have an appt at 1pm so will need to be off at 12.30"
At 12.30 "Ok DC time to clear away, it's been lovely seeing you "
Gives a much clearer message

Or just meet at park, cafe etc in the future

You can just stand up and say 'ok, let me help you get your kids ready. We're running a bit behind today' then fetch coats and shoes and help him get them ready and out of the door.

If it's only adults you can do the same with 'well, this has been lovely but i must press on' standing up is the cue. You can add a vague 'ushering' arm movement.

Actually I would follow up with a text

Hi Bob
It was lovely seeing you Friday but it was a bit too much for my DC, we need to keep visits to a couple of hours next time as they get a bit overwrought otherwise.
See you soon
Op

One hour and a half or two hours is good for my DD and myself to host a visit/play date and to pay a visit to someone.
More time we just get very tired.

Another thing is a day out or plan a full day or more than one day, but for a visit I think about two hours is perfect.

I’ve never heard of this rule but I’d love to adopt it. Whenever I arrange a play date at my house the kids stay for hours and I end up feeding everyone multiple times. I’m happy to go along with it as long as my LO is having fun.

Hang on
Is he Northern and thinks come for tea, see you 10am means come all day?

There's no way you would actually say that

Germans would 😂

British
Ok it's been lovely having you, let's tidy the toys away before you go DC, where are your shoes"
Looks at parent willing them to just fuck off!

I'm northern and if someone told me to come for tea I'd turn up about 5 pm 😄