Or should a play date be two hours max?

[TargetPractice11]

Still annoyed about something that happened on the weekend.

Invited friend and his 3 year old over for "morning tea" at 10am. They arrived at 10:30am, and stayed until 3pm.

I have a baby and two preschoolers. My preschoolers are adorable playmates for around two hours. Then they get feral.

The three kids running around repeatedly woke up my baby. My friend passively observed that this was occurring but made no move to go.

I made many hints. I did not serve lunch. We were all famished when they finally shuffled off at 3pm.

One of my many hints to leave was 'so- what else do you have on for today?'

To which my friend said he was hoping for a nap as he'd managed to keep his kid out all day and allow his wife to relax.

😡

I am exhausted- up all night with a baby. I would love a fucking nap.

DH and I always subscribed to there being a 90-120 minute hard stop on play dates. Did we just make that up? Or is that the socially acceptable limit?

To be honest OP, it sounds to me like it was entirely him being rude, ignorant and lazy moreso than anything else.

When we have day long playdates, it is always because all parties want it, we are careful to ensure the children do not destroy the house or upset younger siblings. If it looks like the children are not getting on that day/getting frazzled etc, we change the activity and if still not working, it comes to an end. Exactly as you describe with your family. If lunch was not pre-arranged, we make a plan together at lunch time and if the host makes any indication of cupboards being empty/feeling tired/kids tired etc, it ends there!

I have never had to ask anyone to leave or been told to leave a playdate - reading the room is a basic skill!

1. This was inviting your mate over for a get together, not a play date
2. I have never heard of 'morning tea' - I would be thoroughly confused by that
3. I have never heard of a 2 HR rule for playdates.
4. Next time invite his wife too or meet in a park, cafe, museum, swimming pool, soft play etc

OMG, THIS! ☝

If anything I'm less knackered because another child is entertaining mine 🤣

Also I was dropping many such hints, I think if I'd said I needed to do chores he would have just told me he didn't mind and to crack on in his presence.

In which case you laugh and say 'Oh George that was my polite way of saying you need to go now, so go!'

I’m fuming for you TBH. I think you’ve got to find more direct ways of telling someone to leave, but still he was incredibly rude.

The icing on the cake would have been “I’ve managed to keep her out all day” - he was obviously determined to stay as long as possible to outsource parenting so that he could go home for his nap!

"Paul, you're going to have to leave now. Janey say goodbye to Fiona. There's your stuff Paul, follow me i'll get the door for you." Holding child's hand open door, "Do you need any help out, no.. Goodbye then"

There are ways of saying the same thing nicely.

It was normal for us to have all day play dates when mine were little. If you don't want people around all day either meet out of your home or invite them mid afternoon.

It doesnt sound like either of you were wrong here.

He isnt a mind reader and was probably enjoying your company etc and i assume he felt welcome. Why didnt you say to him - 'I have some plans today so i need to leave in 20 mins, so lovely to meet up and the kids have had a great time"

Set boundaries. Tell them beforehand that you have an appointment/whatever at a specific time so they 'unfortunately' will have to leave at XX o'clock.

He said he managed to keep his kids out all day to allow his wife to relax. Maybe she told him to keep the kids out all day and he didn't want to take them back after 2 hours. That said, he could have taken them out for lunch after visiting your house.

In future, be very clear with your boundaries.

Next tine I would just tell a white lie that you have plans.

Why would I give a shit about politeness in this situation? The person overstaying their welcome doesn't. Besides it's not rude it's just to the point.

I think it's lovely to have long playdates if the children are getting on and I'm with a good friend. In this situation I would have offered lunch, but if I'd just wanted them to leave I sometimes say something like, I'm going to make lunch soon, sorry we don't have much in at the moment otherwise I'd ask you to stay for lunch too.

Honest question- did your children not turn into animals?

Mine are delightful for a time. At the two hour mark they are suddenly grumpy, tearful, no longer wanting to share, throwing tantrums, massively overstimulated. A nightmare to parent.

If guests fucked off when this happened then my kids could chill out and recalibrate. Instead they have another kid hyping them up and pressing their buttons. I have to parent harder than ever to stop them being horrible to the other child.

It's not like the adults are able to kick back with a pinot.

“I am tired / I have to do XYZ and would therefore appreciate it if you left. This has been great, I’m looking forward to next time!”

or you can make it crystal clear when you invite him. “Let’s do a morning play date. 10 to 11:45 works for me. How about you?”

If you had offered a quick cheap meal like pasta with sauce or beansontoast, the kids might have all behaved better? and friend might have buggered off earlier as you've fed him and his brood? Maybe he was hoping you'd offer lunch and so stayed longer.

I agree it's a bit annoying though. maybe next time tell him, 'we're free between 10 and 12, have something after that' or invite him later in the day so he has to leave by say 5, you can start getting your kids ready for bathtime etc.

It takes my kids an hour to warm up, if you kicked us out after 90 minutes they’d be really upset. I stopped play dates with one family who’d always be out the door after an hour, it just felt so rushed.

For my kids, they're little and they're just over it by then. It's not really a hunger thing. I had food out from the morning- but it wasn't 'lunch'. I didn't bring anything new out as I thought that would give the impression they should stay longer.

If I was visiting someone and their/my children were getting irritable and tired, I'd take that as my queue to leave.

It's probably the comment about the nap that sent me over the edge.

Point taken though, will be more clear next time.

I have invited him and his kid over for an afternoon play before- they ended up staying for dinner, bath time and I ended up sending the kid home in a pair of my child's pyjamas saying mine really needed to get to bed!

Thanks, this is a helpful perspective.

I don't want anyone to feel rushed.

Yup play dates are 2 hrs for me, but I’d have just said approaching 12, it’s been lovely to see but we need to get on with lunch/naps/our next activity. Use your words!

Based on this, I wouldn't be in a hurry to invite them back. He has no self awareness. And the fact he never reciprocates by inviting to his home (even if you decline) shows this is just male entitlement.

I would say that playdates with preschoolers are usually 2 hours, and it's a bit incompetent of him not to have noticed the cues to leave. On the other hand, I find things are flexible and it's normal for people to stay longer if nobody is doing anything else, because for most people even if you're hosting, a playdate is a way of occupying kids and socialising with other adults.

I do think YAB a bit U to not serve something for lunch once it was obvious they were staying. A bit of bread, cucumber and omelette can reset the play situation and make everyone's kids nicer.

He definitely didn't want to parent so he organised the playdate so the kids would occupy themselves and he would get brownie points from his wife.